Notes: I did an RP with Amber2002161 involving making snowmen, but I can't remember if I was inspired by that for part of this or if the RP scene was also my idea. Kalin talking about the Enforcers having some other, temporary members is a nod to the Reverse of Arcadia video game where the player is another member of the gang.

I Can't Believe Everything I See

Radley loved whenever he could get Kalin to stay over. Sometimes there were so many Duelists that Kalin gave up his room at the boarding house and planned to punish himself by laying outside all night. Sometimes it rained. Sometimes Kalin just didn't feel like going back to the boarding house, even if there was room. No matter the explanation, Radley was always there and always found Kalin before he enacted his bizarre scheme.

The day there was a February snowstorm was a strange one. Radley zipped up his jacket for the dusk duel, while Malcolm and his Crew wore animal-skin jackets and long wool scarves. The snow swirled all over the town square as the wind howled, forcing them to yell back and forth to be heard.

When Kalin appeared, he hadn't bothered to so much as buckle his coat at all. He just let the cold and the snow hit him as he walked calmly and matter-of-factly to the duel, and though of course Radley said nothing in front of Malcolm, Kalin could feel the disapproval rolling off of him in waves. Once the duel was over, he would definitely not let this stand.

Soon enough the duel was won and Malcolm's Duelist was being pulled into the coffin for the ride to the mountain. "Be grateful for the trip," the big man sneered. "It's warm and dry in there."

And the person wouldn't have a bad life working for Radley, but Radley didn't say that in earshot of Malcolm. He would likely visit the mines later; he liked to greet every new worker and figure out what to do with them himself.

Right now Radley was more concerned about Kalin. After the Crew drove away, Radley approached with a disapproving glint in his eyes. "Kalin, that was an amazing duel as always. But are you trying to catch your death?!" He took the ends of the coat's belt and tried to draw them together.

Kalin let him. "No," he said. "That would be too easy."

Radley quirked an eyebrow. "Too easy for what?"

Kalin didn't answer.

Radley sighed. "Well, come on to the diner and get warm," he implored.

"The snow is sticking! We are totally making snowmen!" Scotch exclaimed.

That brought a fond smirk. "Or you could do that with the Bunch," Radley added to Kalin.

Kalin grunted.

"Or don't, whatever." Radley sighed again and stepped back, finally having closed Kalin's coat the way he wanted. "But do come back with us."

"I always do," Kalin said.

At the diner, a lot of the Bunch immediately started rolling snowballs for their snow creations. Radley stood by and watched, chuckling.

Kalin didn't look impressed. "You're just going to let them do this in front of the diner?"

"Why not?" Radley retorted.

"It doesn't look very professional," Kalin said.

"It looks cute and fun," Radley said with a wink. "And welcoming. Haven't you seen businesses put up friendly window paintings or characters?"

"No," Kalin said flatly.

Radley sobered. "I thought the Satellite was back together with New Domino City now," he said.

"It is, but I haven't really looked around the City," Kalin said.

"I'll have to take you sometime," Radley said.

"The town's locked down," Kalin said matter-of-factly. "We can't leave."

"We still have to sneak off for supplies sometimes," Radley said. "And I know Malcolm's Crew does too."

"You know, and you don't announce it?" Kalin grunted.

Radley sighed. ". . . Okay, so I don't have proof," he said. "But they've gotta have stuff too, right? They must be breaking their own rule to get it."

Kalin shrugged noncommittally. "Probably."

Scotch gave a whoop. "My guy is the tallest!"

He was definitely skilled at building snowmen. His was about as tall as Radley.

Radley walked up to it with an appraising eye. "Oh yes, this is definitely impressive," he said. "But you have some real contenders here too."

All the Bunch looked pleased.

"Let's go get things to decorate them," Billy said.

They all trouped inside.

"You're just going to let them take whatever?" Kalin asked.

"Well, I'll see what they have, but if it's their own stuff, they can do whatever they want," Radley said. He smirked a bit playfully. "Did the Enforcers ever play in the snow?"

"Crow sometimes did with the kids," Kalin said. "He looked after a lot of the orphans in the Satellite."

"Children can be awfully persuasive," Radley said. "Did they ever convince you to join in?"

". . . A couple of times," Kalin admitted.

"Why not try it again, see how rusty your skills are?" Radley suggested. "We could make one together."

Kalin still didn't look impressed. "Do you really want to?"

"Sure," Radley said. "Of course, you'd need some gloves."

Kalin just walked past him and started rolling a snowball. "I don't need gloves."

Radley stared and shook his head. "You really don't feel the cold?" He started rolling a snowball too. If Kalin was going to be so stubborn about it, Radley would have to let it go for now if he wanted to encourage Kalin to have fun. But if he saw Kalin really was struggling with the cold, he would insist.

"It was worse in the Satellite," Kalin said. He finished the bottom snowball and waited for Radley to roll the middle one over. When he did, Kalin helped him lift it up without a word.

"That sounds awful," Radley frowned. "Do you wanna make the head?"

Kalin rolled a smaller snowball and put it on top. "We got used to it. Are we making any specific person?"

"Not unless you have someone in mind," Radley said.

Kalin shrugged. "No."

The Bunch came back out with their assorted treasures and accessories for their snowmen. Scotch had brought cheap sunglasses for his.

"Radley and Kalin made a snowman!" he exclaimed in delight.

"Surprise," Radley grinned.

Everyone started decorating their snow people with the various rocks, twigs, and accessories they had brought.

"No carrot noses?" Kalin grunted.

"Radley won't let us take food!" Scotch said.

"Probably a good idea," Kalin deadpanned. "And everyone made male snowpeople, I see." Not that he cared one way or the other.

"That's the most common variety!" Scotch said. "Like male Eevees in the Pokemon games!"

Radley had to laugh at that comparison.

"Not that I care, but do you even allow girls in the Bunch?" Kalin wondered.

"Sure, if any want to join," Radley shrugged. "Our only rule is everybody has to like motorcycles. What about the Enforcers?"

"There were various Satellites who wanted to join, both boys and girls," Kalin said. "If any of them could hack it, we let them in. But it was only the original four who really lasted. For various reasons, the others left to form their own groups or join other existing ones."

". . . Really?" Radley frowned. This was something he hadn't heard of before. "But you guys started defeating all the other Duel Gangs. Does that mean . . . ?"

"If they joined destructive gangs, yes," Kalin said. "We had to face off against former friends."

"And any others?" Radley asked.

"If they weren't a threat, we didn't bother them," Kalin said. "But I no doubt would have targeted them too had my reign of terror continued."

". . . Why did they leave?" Virgil asked. From his expression and tone, he clearly thought it was because of Kalin.

Kalin met his gaze with bottomless eyes. "We both know that, don't we?"

"Do we?" Radley said. "You didn't start losing your grip until it was just you and your three closest friends, right? Those other people must have left for other reasons."

Kalin looked away. "I wasn't a nice person even before that. Yusei, Jack, and Crow tolerated me for some reason, but the others couldn't abide my behavior."

"They cared about you because you were their friend," Radley said. "They didn't just tolerate you."

"What about you?" Kalin intoned. "Don't you just tolerate me?"

Radley sighed. "No," he said.

"We're not friends," Kalin said flatly.

"We could be," Radley countered.

"You have all of these people." Kalin indicated the Bunch. "Why would you want me?"

Radley frowned a bit. "It's not like there's a limit on how many friends you can have," he said.

"That's not what I mean," Kalin said. "I mean . . . these people are nice. You're wasting your time on someone like me."

Radley moved closer to him. "I don't think I am."

Kalin averted his gaze. He could say something cruel again on how Radley was a fool, but he didn't feel like it. Radley's insistence that Kalin wasn't a lost soul made him uncomfortable, but he also didn't care for how cold it had felt without Radley's friendliness. He didn't want to hurt Radley again. That time would come soon enough anyway, when Kalin inevitably lost and was sent to Malcolm's part of the mine.

The flash of a smartphone camera startled him and he looked up as Scotch began taking pictures of the snowmen.

Radley smiled a bit. "Scotch wants to preserve this time for posterity," he said. "Will you be in a picture too?"

Kalin just grunted. He stood by their snowman, with Radley on his other side, and Scotch snapped a picture.

"I'm going to print everything out later!" he said excitedly. "I'll give you guys pictures too!"

"That'd be great," Radley said, smiling more.

Scotch was true to his word, and by the next day they had copies of the pictures delivered quite happily by Scotch himself. Radley cherished them all, and any time after that when Kalin was in Radley's office, he saw the pictures pinned to Radley's tackboard.

As for Kalin . . . he didn't exactly know why, but he kept his copies on top of his dresser at the boarding house. On nights when he gave up his room, he took them with him. Sometimes he sat and looked at them, wondering why Radley seemed so happy.

He didn't find any answers for weeks.

xxxx

The snow continued to fall that night, blanketing the town in its cold white embrace. By the time it was late and time for bed, it was not good motorcycle weather at all.

"What are we going to do, Radley?" Billy asked.

"The snow's still falling," Radley remarked as the wind shrieked outside. "It'd be too dangerous to plow it tonight." He definitely didn't want them to try riding home in the unplowed snow. And even though the town wasn't big, walking to their residential street without proper warmth seemed daunting too.

"Is there anyone to plow?" Kalin grunted.

"Oh yeah," Radley said. "Both Malcolm and we've got them. I just don't wanna try plowing until the snow either stops or slows down. It's a blizzard right now."

"Does Malcolm really plow your side of town?" Kalin quirked an eyebrow.

"He got his plow before we got one," Radley said. "That first winter here, he did plow our side, but last, and he left more of a mess on our side," Radley said with a roll of his eyes.

"Of course there'd be a catch," Billy scowled.

"I made sure we had a plow before the next storm rolled in, that's for sure," Radley said. "Hopefully we'll be able to plow this tomorrow. In the meantime . . ."

"We are totally having an epic sleepover!" Scotch whooped.

"There's not room for all of you to stay in the diner," Kalin objected in surprise.

"In the lounge there is!" Scotch said. "We can crash on couches or in sleeping bags on the floor! We keep some stored in the closet just in case!"

"Yeah, this usually happens at least once every winter," Radley chuckled. "The guys all look forward to it."

"I'm putting on the hot chocolate!" Scotch called as he hurried to the kitchen.

Others in the Bunch milled about to get desserts or to find the sleeping bags. Kalin took that opportunity to slip away to the door. But when he tried to open it and it wouldn't budge, he scowled in confusion. Was it really stuck, or was Radley just trying to keep him there? Giving up, he headed for the back hall to try the other door. It opened, to his gratification, and he stepped out into the night.

Snow immediately swirled into his face, slapping him harshly on both cheeks. Despite the sting, Kalin pushed forward into it. He deserved every bit of this. He wouldn't resist. If he ended up getting lost and collapsing in a snow drift, so much the better.

The door opened again behind him. "Kalin, please come back inside," Radley implored. "If you don't wanna stay with the guys, you can sleep upstairs in my office."

"I've been out in worse storms," Kalin said. He didn't mention that he had nearly died in such a storm trying to find one of Crow's kids who had wandered off and got lost.

"Maybe, but this is plenty bad enough," Radley retorted as the wind howled around them. "We've got blizzard conditions here!"

"And if I don't stay, what will you do?" Kalin asked. "Will you really come after me?"

"You don't know what snowstorms in Crash Town are like," Radley said. "I've at least been out in them before. I promise, if you want solitude, you'll get it. Please just come inside."

Kalin took several steps forward anyway. He sank into snow up to his knees. He stared down at it in shock.

"Not what you were expecting, huh?" Radley gave a knowing smirk.

"The climate . . . it shouldn't allow for this," Kalin sputtered.

"We're not that far from New Domino City," Radley said. "They always get a lot of snow every year. More always fell here since it was farther inland. It may look like a desert thanks to Zero Reverse, but it never forgets what it used to be. It was beautiful grassland before that disaster hit. It's still cold enough here in winter that the snow always comes. There's even more up in the mountains."

". . . How are the miners taken care of?" Kalin asked.

"Mine are kept safe and warm with plenty of food and blankets and heat," Radley said. "Malcolm's . . . I honestly don't know. It's a worry every year." He sighed heavily.

Kalin took another step forward and gave up. The snow was still coming down and Radley looked like he had no intention of going back inside. If Kalin was going to leave, he wanted to leave alone. He turned around and slogged back over to his boss.

Radley smiled in relief. "Come on in and I'll find you something dry to wear," he said.

"You have extra clothes in here too?" Kalin grunted.

"We're well-prepared," Radley smirked. "You're my size, so any of my stuff should fit you."

Kalin walked past him into the back hallway, leaving snow on the mat and on the carpet. Radley pulled the door shut after him.

"Did you lock the front door?" Kalin bluntly asked. "It wouldn't open."

"No, I didn't," Radley said. "I'm sure you'll find that the blizzard blew snow on the porch and up against it."

Kalin scowled. "How will you get customers then?"

Radley laughed. "After the snow you just sank in, you wonder about customers? No one's gonna be interested in coming out of their homes until things are plowed, hopefully tomorrow. We'll take care of the porch then."

Kalin grunted and shrugged. It made little difference to him.

"Come on upstairs." Radley led Kalin up the rest of the hall and into the diner, where the stairs were. At the top, Radley brought him into his office and the connecting bathroom. He held a pair of pants up to Kalin's waist. "Yeah, these'll fit fine." He added a T-Shirt and gave both to Kalin, who took them with a blank expression.

"After I change, then what do you want me to do?" Kalin asked.

"I promised you could stay up here if you wanted to be alone," Radley said. "I meant that. But if you wanna come downstairs and join us . . ." He smiled. "We'd really love to have you." He stepped back. "I'll go see how the Bunch is coming along."

Kalin waited until he left before slowly beginning to peel off the wet clothes and draping them over a towel rack to dry. Then he took up the black jeans Radley had brought, his mind wandering as he pulled them over his legs.

The Bunch was certainly having a grand old time. He could hear them laughing downstairs as plates and glasses and silverware clinked. Scotch started to sing Baby, It's Cold Outside, doing both the male and female parts. He was a true ham. Radley was laughing now too; Kalin recognized the sound of his voice even then.

It was like the old times. How Kalin missed them. How he wished he had never been so corrupted by power. Maybe they would all still be happy now if not for him.

. . . Well, Jack had wanted to leave anyway. But maybe the rest of them would have carried on without him. It wouldn't have been the same, but at least it wouldn't have been like it had really ended up.

He pulled the shirt on and pulled his hair out from inside it, flipping it free to trail down his back. He wanted to be part of what was happening down there. He wanted it so badly he ached.

But he knew he didn't deserve it. All he deserved was pain and suffering forever. The more he wanted anything else, the more he knew he had to deny himself.

He threw himself down on the couch on his side and cast his arm over his visible ear. It didn't help; he could still hear everything so clearly, even with the office door shut. A frustrated growl escaped his lips and he buried his face in the couch as he covered both ears.

"Ah, but it's cold outside!"

Finally he went limp in resignation. He would never be able to sleep as long as they were up having fun downstairs. He would just go down and join them and then try to sleep when they settled down at last.

Radley looked up in surprise when Kalin came down the stairs. His happy smile pierced Kalin's heart for reasons he didn't really understand. "Kalin!" he greeted. "You want some hot chocolate?"

Kalin sat down near him. "Alright," he said.

Scotch soon placed a mug in front of Kalin with perky cheer. "Here you go!" he chirped. "Be careful, it's hot!"

Kalin gave him a blank look. "That's the whole point of it, isn't it?" He took the mug and started to drink.

Radley and the Bunch were soon all staring at him. "Aren't you burning your mouth?!" Virgil said in disbelief.

Kalin set the mug down after a long swig. "No."

Many of the Bunch erupted into enthusiastic whoops. "That was epic!" Scotch exclaimed. "That was so much cooler than being able to guzzle booze in a single bound like Malcolm's Crew does!"

"I can do that too," Kalin deadpanned.

Radley gave him a Look. "Aren't you 19?!"

"20," Kalin replied.

Radley heaved a sigh. "That's still below the legal drinking age."

Kalin looked both unconcerned and unoffended. "If I'm old enough to decimate my gang and my entire world, I'm old enough to drink."

Radley shook his head. "No one should be old enough for such heartache," he said softly.

Kalin picked up the mug again. "Maybe not, but it's a little late for that." He swallowed some more of the hot chocolate.

Radley gave a sad sigh. "Yeah, you're right." He gave Kalin a pleading look. "But that's over now. You've got a chance to start over, with us. Please just give us a chance."

Kalin just looked at him. "Why do you even want me?"

"I see a good person there," Radley said. "I wish you could see him too."

"I never will," Kalin said flatly.

Scotch decided they needed some revelry. He put on an old novelty song and began singing along with it. Soon laughter rang out through the diner's walls again.

"Scotch is good at cheering people up," Radley said through his giggles.

Before long, listening to the jukebox turned into karaoke night and several of the Bunch performed. Billy even got into the act with a very silly 1950s-style song called Flat Tire.

Kalin didn't know it, but subconsciously he was fingering the harmonica around his neck. Radley, however, definitely noticed.

"Is there any chance you'd perform for us?" he asked low.

Kalin shook his head. "I don't play to be heard."

"Maybe not, but I've heard you out on the plateau and you're good," Radley insisted. "How long have you been playing?"

"Several months," Kalin said, to his astonishment.

"Really?! You're such a natural at it! I would've thought you'd been playing for years!" Radley said.

"I wasn't even that interested in music until more recently," Kalin said. He had heard a mournful harmonica in one of the towns he had passed through and had realized it was a good way to express his pain and his sorrow while looking for a way to satisfactorily punish himself.

"No one would know it," Radley said. "What made you get interested after so long?"

"I heard a harmonica and wanted one," Kalin said vaguely.

The goofiness of the mini concert was suddenly and surprisingly broken by Scotch, who very seriously sang This Wandering Day from The Rings of Power. It was a beautiful song about trying to find comfort on a long journey. Radley, who had gotten everyone interested in Tolkien and Tolkien-related works, was transfixed.

Kalin found himself lost in thought when Scotch reached the final verse. "Not all those who wonder or wander are lost."

Was he lost? He had wandered with a purpose, that of seeking his own destruction, and had come here to find it. He still wanted to enact it, and fully intended to when he lost at the sunset duel, as he surely would eventually. But to have such a purpose in mind . . . Yusei would likely say he was still lost and there was no need for such things.

He had come here to lose himself, and yet he had been finding so much he hadn't expected or planned on at all. Radley and the Bunch had not been in his plans. He never would have thought the leader of one of the Duel Gangs would be so intellectual . . . or friendly. Or kind. He had expected cold, hard greed from both leaders and nothing else. Instead he had found so much depth of soul, even from cheery members like Scotch. The way the kid was singing so completely from his heart, the song obviously meant something to him. Maybe just that he knew Radley would love it, but somehow Kalin sensed there was more to it.

If Kalin really gave in to what stirred in his heart, to allow himself to be found instead of lost, what then? Would he give up his quest for death? Would he accept his second chance and try to live again?

No . . . he could never do that. It wasn't right or fair to all the people he had hurt. The only just thing was for him to deny himself happiness and give himself over to a long, drawn-out suicide rife with torment.

"Kalin?"

He started when Radley spoke. Scotch had finished and everyone was clapping for him.

Radley smiled at him. "Scotch is really something, huh?"

Kalin slowly nodded. "The song is . . . interesting. Haunting, somehow. There's something so melancholy about it."

Radley nodded. "A lot of the music is like that."

Scotch bounced up to Radley then. "Did you like it?! I've been practicing!"

Radley grinned at him. "I loved it! You did it perfectly!"

Scotch glomped him with gusto. "Then it's mission accomplished!" He danced off to the counter to get more desserts.

Kalin watched him go with a visibly startled expression. He had never seen anyone with so much boundless energy. Scotch was actually older than him, but he seemed younger. Kalin didn't comment on it, however, instead wanting to return to the discussion he had tried to start.

". . . What does that mean—not all who wonder or wander are lost?" Kalin frowned. "Wandering with a purpose? The love of it? And why wonder?"

"I think it can mean a lot of things, including that," Radley said. "The wonder part . . . it sounds like that could mean those asking questions or puzzling about things." He tilted his head. "Are you a wonderer?"

"I'm a wanderer . . . with a purpose," Kalin said.

"That you still won't tell me about," Radley said. "Are you still planning to pack up and leave when you get whatever it is you want?"

"In a way." Kalin certainly wasn't going to reveal the full truth or what his plan truly was. Radley would likely object, even if only because it would be a waste to lose such a good Duelist.

Radley quirked an eyebrow. "How do you leave 'in a way'? You either do or you don't."

"I do then." Kalin's gaze wandered around the stage. He needed to change the subject. ". . . What's that show about? I mean, how does it fit with the lore?"

Radley sighed. It was obvious what Kalin was doing, but he wouldn't push it. Anyway, if he could get Kalin interested in something the rest of them enjoyed, that would make him happy. "It's a prequel," he said. "It tells some of the events leading up to the situations in The Lord of the Rings and expands on some of the characters' journeys and development. Some Tolkien fans are outraged at the idea of a prequel with a largely original story, but the creators have worked pretty hard to keep it as much in line with the info Tolkien wrote about the time period as possible. They did kinda condense the timeline, but they had a good reason for it, wanting all the characters to be involved in all the planned events instead of a lot of them dying as centuries passed between events. Me, I think the whole thing's pretty cool. We're all looking forward to the next season."

Kalin slowly nodded. "It sounds interesting."

"It is," Radley said. "If you'd like, you could join us for a watch party sometime."

Kalin didn't answer. A watch party. . . . Silly revelry and fun. . . . He certainly had the time, but he couldn't engage in something like that. He was only here now because he couldn't leave. He couldn't encourage Radley by coming completely voluntarily to a get-together like that.

No matter how much he wanted it himself. . . .

Radley finally sighed after a long moment of silence. "It's okay if you don't," he said in resignation. "Just know you're always welcome if you change your mind."

". . . So what happens now?" Kalin wondered. "None of them look ready to sleep." He stared as the Bunch whooped, hollered, and ate donuts while they stood on chairs.

Radley had to smirk. "Oh, didn't you know? Sleepovers are rarely about actually sleeping."

Kalin gave him an unimpressed look. "What about those who want to sleep?"

Now Radley looked sympathetic. "They do settle down eventually and start just whispering to each other while they're laying around in the lounge. That's a good time to try to rest."

"Can you really sleep with that going on?" Kalin wondered.

Radley smiled. "For me it's really peaceful and pleasant to fall asleep surrounded by buddies and hearing them happy. But unless your hearing is like Dolores in Encanto, you shouldn't be bothered up in my office."

Kalin slowly nodded. "Good."

But at the night dragged on and the Bunch finally settled down at last, Kalin found himself reluctant and even sad to take his leave and go back upstairs. He hadn't felt such camaraderie since the days of the Enforcers. He had missed it so much. His heart still ached for what had been . . . what he could never get back. Radley was right that he could have something like it again . . . that he could be part of it . . . if he would only accept it and reach out.

But he knew he could not.

Sighing to himself, he started up the stairs and left the others and their whispered conversations behind him.