Faith Is So Much Stronger Than Fear

The Valentine's party was exactly what Radley had said: a celebration of all real love. When Kalin and Radley walked inside, people were already milling about, giving Valentines to each other and ordering from the special holiday menu. There was plenty of food, both dinner dishes and desserts. Practically the entire town had turned out, aside from the Crew and Malcolm's supporters among the townspeople, and they all looked more than ready to have fun.

Scotch bounded up to them both with excitement. "Here's the pictures!" he announced, handing them each a red envelope.

Radley smiled as he opened his and took out the copies of yesterday's snowmen photoshoot. "These are great, Scotch. Thanks," he said.

Kalin silently looked at his copies as well. He still wasn't sure why Radley had wanted to make a snowman with him, or why he was so happy to have the pictures, but . . . it was true that they were nice. Scotch was a good photographer. Kalin didn't mind having copies. He slipped them inside his coat pocket.

". . . You worked fast," he commented, mostly to have something to say.

"Yeah, I had them made up at the drug store today!" Scotch said cheerfully.

Radley smiled. "I'll put them on the tackboard in my office. A reminder of the first time all of us had fun together."

Fun? Well, it hadn't been too bad, Kalin supposed. He had been relaxed then and not as tortured by the past. If he felt free to do as Radley longed for, there could be more times like that. But it was foolish and pointless to engage in such things when he knew it wouldn't and couldn't last. He could lose a duel any time and then he would be gone, condemned to the life of suffering that he deserved.

Scotch looked ready to levitate that Radley was so happy with the pictures. If Kalin's silence bothered him, he said nothing. "We can take more pictures tonight!" he gushed.

Radley laughed. "Sure," he smiled. "I'm sure you'll find plenty of chances for it."

Scotch beamed and danced off to greet more customers.

". . . His energy never stops," Kalin grunted.

"I like it that way," Radley said. "If Scotch isn't happy, you know something's wrong."

". . . I've never met anyone like him before," Kalin said.

"No one has, unless they've met him," Radley said with a wink. "Scotch is purely individual and unique."

"The look he gave you was only small degrees away from idol worship," Kalin remarked.

Radley looked first amused, then a little sad by that description. "Scotch really looks up to me," he said softly. "Others do too. That's why . . . I can't let them down."

Kalin looked away. Had he worried that much about letting others down, or had he been completely consumed by powerlust and greed? He saw himself in Radley, and yet he also saw what he could have been . . . what he definitely hadn't been.

He wished and hoped Radley would not change, as he had. If Radley truly was good, he was the leader the town needed.

"Let's not think about that tonight," Radley said, cutting into Kalin's thoughts. "Tonight is for celebrations and fun."

Kalin didn't protest.

The food was delicious, as always. Kalin ate dinner (from the regular menu, not the Valentine's themed one) and then eyed the desserts with a suspicious eye.

Radley looked amused. "Too proud for a heart-shaped cookie?"

Kalin grabbed one. "No."

The concert happened after dinner. For it, Radley invited people in the audience to come up and sing songs if they wished. There were definitely a lot of takers who sang about romantic love, sometimes with or to their loves. A few others sang about familial love. Radley and the Bunch mostly focused on friendship love.

Kalin sat at a far table, drinking cactus cider and wondering why he was staying on at all. He had no interest in the romantic love, familial love was foreign to him, and friendship love tightened his heart in a way he could hardly bear. He had had that, just as Radley and the Bunch sang about, but he had ruined it and trampled on it and let it go. He never deserved to have it again. Certainly no one else deserved to have their life ruined by getting close to him.

This was ridiculous. He should just get up and leave. Everyone was paying attention to the karaoke jam right now; no one would notice if he just quietly slipped out.

And that was what he did. Radley was onstage singing at the moment and the audience was fully wrapped up in his performance. It was the perfect time to leave. Kalin made it outside with no trouble. But then he stopped, frowning, listening to the song as he stood on the porch with the door still in hand.

Radley was singing of friendship being hard to find. That was an understatement. And why, why when Kalin had actually had it, had he allowed everything to be splintered and broken?

Radley could be grateful that he had real friendship with all the Bunch. They would never betray him or let him down as Kalin had the Enforcers.

Or would they? Nothing was predictable and life was very rarely what it should be. People changed, lost in their own selfish desires and forgetting all that they had once loved and celebrated. True love hardly ever lasted.

Yusei was the only one who had ever continued to believe in Kalin despite everything. Jack and Crow had both given him up for lost. But it was Yusei to whom Kalin had focused his rage and cruelty as a Dark Signer. The darkness had warped and twisted him, but it had used feelings that were already there to do it. That meant there could be no forgiveness, no redemption for him. He had to sufficiently punish himself for what he had done to the only person who had always stood by him.

Letting the door quietly shut, he stepped off the porch and into the frozen night.

xxxx

Kalin didn't remember going back inside to his room. When he reached the boarding house he just sank down in one of the porch chairs and stared out at the town through dead eyes. He hadn't actually planned to sit out there for hours or to even fall asleep there. But somehow he dropped off and only woke up to hear Radley's frantic, worried cries.

"Kalin?! Come on, can you hear me?! Wake up!" Radley seized Kalin's shoulders, giving him a firm shake.

Kalin's hands shot up, grabbing Radley's wrists. He forced the other man back, nearly causing him to stumble backwards off the porch. Radley caught the railing in time, and the first thing Kalin saw clearly was the hurt in his eyes. But he masked that with his anger and fear.

"What is wrong with you?!" he exclaimed. "Why would you sit out here on a below freezing night?! Every time I don't pay attention to you for a few minutes, you go off and do something self-destructive! Do I have to keep guards on you around the clock to protect you?!"

Finally the full situation dawned on Kalin. He got up from the cold chair and turned to head for the house. "No."

That cold response slapped Radley harder than the bitter night air. He chased after Kalin, grabbing his arm. "Then why?! I was just going home when I saw you slumped on the porch! I thought you were dead!"

"And that would have hurt you, wouldn't it?" Kalin replied. "You would have lost your best Duelist."

Radley's grip tightened. "Is that all you think you are to me? What do I have to do to show you that you mean so much more than that?!"

Kalin pulled away from him. He wasn't fully sure himself why he was going back to being so cruel. The concert had put him in a bad mood, remembering what a horrible friend he had been to Yusei and the others. But he hadn't wanted to turn Radley against him, even though at the same time he was sure that was what had to be for Radley's own safety. If he truly was a good person, he deserved so much better than Kalin. He would be grateful someday that Kalin hadn't let him get close.

"Kalin. . . ." Radley walked around to look into Kalin's eyes. He was still wearing the long black coat Kalin had admired. They really did have similar tastes on that. Not that it was either here nor there. "Kalin, if this is about the concert, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you; I just wanted you there. I wanted to share it with you. I thought you probably hated Valentine's Day because of the focus on romance. That's not the way it is in my culture and I thought I could show you a better way to celebrate it. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Kalin looked at him in disbelief. Radley had been the one being hurt, and he was apologizing?

". . . I don't like Valentine's for any reason," he said at last. "But it doesn't matter."

"Kalin, you came back and sat outside in the freezing cold in a chair!" Radley cried. "It matters!"

"I didn't mean to fall asleep. I thought I wouldn't." Kalin started to open the door. "And we're still outside in the freezing cold."

Radley frowned as that fully dawned on him. ". . . Let's continue this inside," he said.

Kalin stepped inside and stood in the doorway. "There's nothing to continue."

"How do you think I would have felt if you had been dead?!" Radley retorted. "Yeah, you're right that it would have been upsetting to lose my best Duelist, but mainly I would have been wondering if you'd still be alive if I hadn't tried to get you to come to a party! Don't you think that would've messed me up at all? Or do you really think I'm that heartless?!"

Kalin looked back at him for a long moment, searching those green eyes that danced and sparkled with life. Right now they were angry and hurt. Kalin had hurt him.

". . . It would have been my decision to sit outside," he said. "It wouldn't have been your fault."

"Oh sure, logically I'd know that," Radley said. "But I'd still have a bear of a time actually accepting it."

Kalin stared at him in silence again. If he was as he had been in the past, he would have been saying a lot more. But he still wouldn't have been the kind of person Radley no doubt longed for him to be. He would have been stubborn and fiery, furious at being guilted and refusing to apologize.

But Radley wasn't trying to guilt him, was he? He was just expressing his feelings honestly and sincerely. Kalin hadn't meant to hurt him, but he clearly had. Another sin to pay for.

Slowly Kalin reached out, his fingers lightly brushing the side of Radley's face. Radley stared at him in shock at the gesture but didn't move to make him stop.

After a moment Kalin let his hand drop. "This should prove that you're better off without me," he said. He stepped back.

"Kalin . . ." Radley stepped forward. "Why did you do that?"

Why had he? Had he been trying in some lopsided way to convince himself that Radley was for real? Had it been a very bad attempt at comfort? Somewhere in his mind he knew how others might interpret it, but . . .

". . . I . . . don't know," he said at last.

"The only one who ever did that was my mother," Radley said. "It's nice."

". . . No one ever did it to me," Kalin said. "I saw it in movies. . . ."

Radley finally smiled in a bit of touched amusement. "Wasn't it done in a romantic way there?" he had to ask.

". . . Probably." Kalin averted his gaze.

"Hey, I don't mind. I'm just curious." Radley stepped a little closer. "Do you feel anything for me at all, Kalin?"

Kalin continued not to face him. Whether he did or not was irrelevant. He couldn't break, couldn't give in to his longings. He had made the foolish choice to touch his boss, perhaps trying to make up for his cruelty outside, but he couldn't allow Radley to think there was anything to it.

Finally Radley sighed and backed down. "Nevermind."

Kalin looked up when Radley turned, trudging back to the door. He looked so defeated.

His heart twisted. He was sinning again. He had given Radley some sort of false hope and encouragement and now had pulled it away. Instead of comforting Radley, he had driven the knife in deeper. But what could he do about it? He couldn't tell of how his feelings were changing, how he was coming to see Radley as something other than a greedy warmonger . . . how he wondered what it would be like to fully open his heart as Radley longed for him to do.

This was better for Radley in the end. And maybe Kalin's original thoughts on him were true anyway. Maybe he would have to refocus and think harder again about that. If Radley was bad . . . this wouldn't hurt so much.

Radley looked back when he reached the door. "I'll see you tomorrow," he said, but there was no life in his words.

Kalin nodded. "I'll be there."

Radley pulled the door shut, leaving Kalin standing alone in the living room. He felt so alone, so final. Part of him wished that Radley would come back and open the door again. The other part knew that couldn't happen. Nothing could change between them.

Once he heard Radley drive off, he sadly went up to his room.

He felt 80 now.

xxxx

Kalin didn't know what he expected to find the next day. He stayed apart from Radley and the Bunch until it was time for the duel. Then he left, heading for the diner where they always met up before the evening show of riding to the town square.

If he had thought he would receive the same cool greeting as the last time he had hurt Radley, he was mistaken. Radley greeted him with a smile, as though nothing had happened. "Hey! You're just in time."

Kalin rocked back, staring at him in shock. ". . . You're this happy to see me?"

"You're my star Duelist, aren't you?" Radley replied.

". . . Last night," Kalin stammered. "I hurt you. . . ."

Radley shrugged. "What is, is. You don't care about me, so I have to accept that." He looked away, grabbing for his helmet. "It hurts, but I can't win them all."

His tone was too flippant, too easy. There was still a deep hurt under the surface.

Kalin hesitated again. Part of him still wanted to tell the truth, but he knew he couldn't. Radley was hurt now, but this would all be so much better for him later. He needed more and deserved more than garbage like Kalin.

If he really was good. Somehow Kalin needed to make himself believe otherwise. That was probably true anyway. He was a greedy warmonger, just like Kalin himself had been. No matter what he said about them having a good and righteous goal, that would change later even if it actually was the truth now. No one's goals ever stayed good all the time.

Radley headed for his motorcycle. "So let's go," he said, lightly tapping Kalin's upper arm with the back of his hand. "We don't wanna be late."

Kalin reached for his helmet and automatically followed.

xxxx

Radley hadn't told the Bunch what happened on Valentine's night, much to Kalin's shock. They continued to be friendly to Kalin, and during the next mini concert that night, Scotch even tried to convince Kalin to perform with him. That, of course, went nowhere, but from Radley's gentle smirk, he was amused that Kalin was faced with such a problem.

He was much less amused when Scotch went ahead with his musical number and started singing December 1963 (Oh, What a Night). He cringed. "Oh boy."

Kalin just grunted. "What's the problem? It's a catchy song."

Radley looked around at the various tables, trying to gauge audience reaction. "I always bill this place as a family-friendly stop," he said.

"It's not family-friendly?" Kalin gave Radley a blank look.

Radley stared at Kalin for a long moment. ". . . What do you think the song's about?" he finally asked.

Kalin shrugged. "A guy dances with a girl at some dance club and is infatuated and wishes they'd got to know each other better?"

Radley rocked back, running a hand through his hair. "That's what Scotch thinks it's about too. It's . . . much spicier than that."

Kalin still looked blank. "They don't make that clear."

Radley finally chuckled. "Maybe it depends on how much you know of the naughty-naughty side of the world. Some people could never see the song as innocent. I'll admit, I used to, until I found out what they really meant by it. I could never see it the same way again. Scotch, on the other hand, refuses to believe it and insists on continuing to see it the way he first thought. I guess I never talked to him about not singing it here if we have customers."

"The audience seems to like it," Kalin noted. Some of them were getting up and dancing in the aisles, including some of the kids.

"Yeah, they do," Radley mused. "I can't deny it's catchy and a good dance song. I won't take action like apologizing to them unless any of them bring it up and think it was inappropriate. And if I do have to say something, I'll make sure to emphasize that Scotch didn't mean anything wrong by it."

". . . And here I always thought I knew more than Yusei," Kalin remarked. Maybe he should feel embarrassed that the song had gone over his head, but he didn't. Sitting here, talking with Radley, felt so natural, so comfortable.

"Oh?" Radley said easily.

Kalin nodded. "Unlike Yusei, I'm not embarrassed to discuss topics like that. But . . . I don't see the appeal in sex."

"Really?" Radley looked interested and curious.

"Some of the townspeople think you're very interested in it," Kalin said.

"What do you think?" Radley asked.

Kalin wasn't expecting that. ". . . I believed them," he said. "But . . . you don't act like that." He took a drink of cactus cider. "I can't even correctly interpret a dirty song, though, so what is my opinion really worth?"

Radley started to smile. "A song isn't real-life," he said. He leaned on the table with folded arms. "I'm not what people say I am. Thank you for recognizing that."

". . . Why do they even say those things?" Kalin wondered.

Radley sighed and shrugged. "Why do people ever make up stupid gossip about others? I look like a typical biker punk, at least on the surface, and they run with that and come up with other ideas that they think ties in with that, like that I play fast and loose with women. And men."

Kalin grunted. "You're not typical. You're much cleaner than most biker punks they're probably thinking of."

Radley laughed out loud. "I'll give you that one!" Sobering a bit, he added, "Maybe sometimes they hear my playfully flirty comments and make something more out of them. I don't know. I gave up trying to figure it out long ago."

"You never say anything dirty," Kalin frowned.

"Dirty can be in the eye of the beholder," Radley mused. "I've made some cracks about Malcolm's men not thinking with their brains."

Kalin shrugged. "It's true, though."

Radley was half-surprised Kalin understood the joke. "Yeah, it sure is. I wonder if Malcolm has a lot of headaches keeping them in line. He gets mad when I comment on it, but he always shoots them deathglares like he knows I really have a point."

"He doesn't stop them from hanging around town all the time to bully people," Kalin said.

Radley sighed at that. "And when I complain about it, he just says they're growing boys and need outlets for their energy. I tell him the Bunch are growing boys too, but they find outlets that don't hurt people. All we can do is try to help the people being bullied who can't hold their own. Anyone who can, well, we invite them to join us."

"Do they?" Kalin asked.

"Sometimes," Radley said. "We sure look more appealing than Malcolm's Crew. But some people come in and don't want any part of either gang. They just wanna settle in and try to make their own way."

"Like Barbara."

Radley scowled. "I know she's supposed to be neutral, but something just isn't right with her. She made passes at me the night you came, trying to get me into bed with her if she promised to tell me Malcolm's secrets. She admitted she's been with Malcolm. Probably some of the Crew too. She's a gold-digger from the word Go. She said she was turning her attention to me because I'm the better businessman . . . and better looking. Well, I can't deny either of those claims." He smirked, then sobered. "But I wasn't gonna be taken in by her. If she'd betray Malcolm, she'd betray me too."

". . . What if that hadn't been an issue?" Kalin wondered.

Radley sighed. "I don't know. I know it's old-fashioned, but I believe in waiting until marriage. Still, if she would have really helped overthrow Malcolm, I wondered if sacrificing my virginity would have been worth it to save the town. I still don't know the answer. I've already sacrificed so much. If I'd given up that too, for that reason . . . would it have really been so bad?"

"I wouldn't know," Kalin said.

"I don't really want to; it's something I can never get back. But I was really tempted to give in for the town's sake, until I started putting together what was fishy about her offer and called her out on it," Radley said. "Oh boy, was she mad. I left her fuming and then you came." He smiled.

Kalin looked down at the table. "And do you feel the trade-off was worth it?"

"Yeah, Kalin, I still do," Radley said.

Kalin didn't acknowledge that. ". . . Does Malcolm know about Barbara?" he asked.

Radley scoffed. "I tried to tell him, actually. He got mad that I was slurring Barbara and he wouldn't believe me. I guess it's kinda sweet that he won't just up and believe any gossip that comes along, but he's sure setting himself up for a fall someday."

Kalin grunted. ". . . Why even try to tell him? He's the enemy."

"It didn't seem very sporting to keep it secret," Radley said.

"He would have if it was the other way around," Kalin said.

"Yeah, he probably would have," Radley sighed. "But that's just not me, Kalin. I'm a nice guy and I try to be fair. That's always how I want to live my life."

"Being fair only gets you hurt," Kalin said. "But so does being selfish. Is there any way to win?"

". . . I honestly have no idea." Radley looked tired. "If you ever find out, share it with me, won't you?"

Kalin shrugged. "I'm not likely to find out anything."

Radley gave up. He tilted his head, looking at Kalin with continuing curiosity. "So you've really never been interested in sex?"

"No," Kalin said. "And you haven't either, in spite of the scene with Barbara?"

"Not really," Radley said. "I want companionship, not sex. Someone to share every moment with me . . . to know everything about me . . . and still love me anyway . . . that would be the most amazing, invaluable thing to me."

"What about the Bunch?" Kalin asked.

Radley sighed. "They're still kids, really. They're just finally getting to be happy. I don't want to burden them with my problems. That wouldn't be right."

Kalin grunted. "Most people look all their lives for someone like you're describing." And others, like me, aren't grateful when we have it and do everything possible to destroy it.

"I know," Radley said. "It probably sounds like a fairytale. Maybe it is."

"No," Kalin said. "There are people like that."

"You sound like you know personally," Radley remarked.

Kalin didn't want to talk about it. "I'm just saying that they exist."

"Is that your round-about way of telling me not to give up on my dream, then?" Radley mused.

Was it? Kalin honestly wasn't sure. "If you want to take it that way."

"Well. It's thoughtful and kind of you," Radley smiled. "I appreciate it."

Kalin hardly thought he was either, but he wasn't in the mood to protest. If Radley wanted to think of it like that even after all Kalin had done to hurt him, there was little else he could do.

". . . I didn't overstep my bounds the other night, did I?" Radley suddenly asked.

Kalin blinked. "What do you mean?"

"When we argued and I asked if you felt anything for me," Radley said. "Was I out of line?"

"No," Kalin said. "You didn't do anything wrong." Except caring for someone so undeserving of it. "I'm the one who was out of line." I always am.

"I really didn't mind when you put your hand on my cheek," Radley said. "The way you acted about my honest concern for you, however . . . I minded that a lot."

"I . . . I'm just not worth your caring," Kalin said. "I never have been."

Radley pondered that sad statement. From his expression, the wheels were turning in his head. ". . . That's why you didn't answer me, isn't it?" he said softly.

Kalin didn't acknowledge that. He couldn't give Radley any hope that Kalin really did care. "I don't feel anything for you romantically," he said. "I have never felt that way about anyone. I'm not interested in romance any more than I am in sex."

Radley smiled a bit. "That was only part of my question," he pointed out. "The companionship I long for . . . it doesn't have to be romantic at all. All I care about is that the love is true. It's nonsense that only romantic love is true."

"Then we're agreed on that," Kalin said, still deliberately sidestepping the rest of Radley's question. "That's why fairytales are inane."

"That's why I love The Lord of the Rings," Radley said. "There's a little romance, sure, but the main focus is true, deep friendships and brotherhood. It's non-romantic loves that save their world. I've hardly ever seen any popular work that puts the emphasis on that."

". . . That is different," Kalin said.

"I should say, I've hardly seen any Western works that do that," Radley amended. "Japanese anime and manga do it a lot. I'm into a lot of those too. I loved Pokemon growing up, and when I got older and wanted to find other things like it and The Lord of the Rings, I found a treasure trove in Japan. Both shounen and shoujo series can have a heavy focus on friendships, so I've tried a whole lot of them."

Kalin gave him a blank look. "Shounen and shoujo?"

Radley chuckled. "Shounen series are targeted more to boys and shoujo for girls," he said. "But there's a lot of fans of both who are other genders than the target audiences. Scotch just loves magical girl anime. I don't mind some of it myself, because there again, the focus is often on the friendships between the girls. There's usually some romance too, though, especially with the main girl. Shounen series are more likely to stay strictly friendshippy. The series One Piece gets pretty weird with some of its premise, but the friendships are just amazing. I'm really into it for that."

". . . One Piece is strange," Kalin grunted. He didn't know a lot about anime and manga, but he did have some familiarity with a few of the most popular series.

Radley laughed. "It sure is. Some of the Bunch won't touch it because of the fruit and the bizarre effects it has on anyone who eats it. I wonder myself why the effects are permanent, but it's not meant to be puzzled over. The important thing is the characters' personalities and their love for each other."

Kalin shrugged. "That's good it works for you then."

"Do you like any shows, Kalin?" Radley asked.

"I liked beat-em-up action films before," Kalin said. "They don't hold the same appeal for me now." Nothing does.

"I get that," Radley said kindly. "Well, the offer to join in on watch parties still stands. Or you could come over to my place and watch something with me alone, if that sounds more to your liking."

Kalin really had no interest in watching anything, but he said, "Not One Piece."

Radley chuckled. "Nah. I was thinking more The Lord of the Rings. Broken up in smaller segments, of course."

Kalin considered that and slowly nodded. It didn't sound terrible . . . aside from the fact that he didn't really want to be around people at all. But he still felt badly for how he had hurt Radley this last time and part of him wanted to do something to make it up.

The other part just hoped it would get him to back down.

Radley smiled more, looking happier than Kalin had seen him in a while. "Great! When would you like to come?"

"Any day is fine," Kalin said. It wasn't like he had anything to do until sunset.

"Tomorrow, then?" Radley suggested. "Maybe around 11? I'll fix lunch."

"Alright," Kalin agreed.

He had to wonder why Radley was so happy. Being with him wasn't anything to get excited about. And if Radley still didn't understand that now, he would eventually.

Kalin didn't look forward to that.