Silence Can Be Louder Than a Shout

Radley made good on everything, just as he had promised. When Kalin arrived the next morning, something smelled undeniably delicious in the kitchen.

"Hi," Radley greeted with a smile when he opened the door. "You're right on time."

"I always am," Kalin said. He stepped into the living room, unable to refrain from looking to the kitchen.

"You like that, huh?" Radley looked pleased.

"It smells good," Kalin admitted.

"I am pretty talented with food," Radley smiled and winked. He led Kalin into the kitchen, where he had bowls waiting on the table and a huge kettle of minestrone soup on the stove.

"Didn't that take a long time to make?" Kalin said in amazement.

"Nah, not really," Radley said. "Things go a lot faster when you know how to do them." He ladled the soup into bowls and also got out some crackers. Then he opened the fridge, revealing a plate of sandwiches.

"This is a feast," Kalin remarked, further surprised.

"You're not used to having so much for lunch?" Radley mused. "Well, this is the kind of thing you can expect if you stick with me."

That was certainly appealing. And the company wasn't at all bad either.

They settled in to eat lunch on TV trays while Radley loaded The Fellowship of the Ring on the television. Kalin had never seen it in full and he had to admit he was riveted before long. An action-adventure story about friendship . . . yes, he could see why Radley loved it so much. When they reached the halfway point and Radley asked if Kalin wanted to stop, Kalin grunted and shook his head. He really had nothing else to do, so stopping it seemed pointless. For just a short while he was able to escape the crushing weight of his sins and what he knew he had to do about them. It was a release.

The second half of the film was also riveting. But towards the end of the film, when it became obvious that Boromir was being corrupted by the Ring, Kalin's blood ran cold. That was too relatable. Boromir was slipping into the darkness, as Kalin had himself. He was going after Frodo, trying to get the Ring from Frodo . . . but then he came back to himself and was in horror. And instead of drowning in his guilt and sorrow, he fought for Merry and Pippin and did all he could to save them before giving his life for them.

A different way of redemption. . . . It was a grand thought, giving one's life to protect. But Kalin was useless as a protector. The only way he could redeem himself was to submit to the horrors and punishments of Malcolm's mines. He had already concluded that and had no intention of not going through with it.

And Sam . . . endlessly loyal and true, refusing to leave Frodo to his quest all alone. . . . Kalin might have scoffed at such a character not being realistic, but he was all too realistic. Sam was Yusei.

As the ending credits and songs rolled, Kalin was lost in his thoughts. Radley looked to him. "Did you like it?" he asked, sounding hopeful.

Kalin continued to stare through the screen. "That was . . . I've never seen anything like it," he rasped.

"Yeah, it's really in a class all by itself," Radley said, smiling a bit. "Tolkien was a genius. And I have to say that Peter Jackson is too, and everybody who worked on the films. The changes they made from the books made sense, for the most part, but they kept what was most important." He glanced at the clock. "If you want, we could start the second film. We wouldn't be able to do more than one half of it, though."

Kalin pondered. "Let's wait on it." The first movie was so much to take in all by itself. He needed time to process it. And he wasn't sure he'd want to split up one of the films.

Radley nodded. "Do you wanna come tomorrow and do the second one?" he offered.

Part of Kalin wondered if he could take the rush of emotions from watching more. It would probably only grow more palpable, especially watching Frodo and Sam's quest and interaction. But he wanted to see more, know more. He had to see how it turned out.

"Yes," he said.

xxxx

The second movie left him with feelings he had never expected. Gollum and his obsession with the Ring, and his split personality, stirred so many emotions from deep within Kalin's heart. He couldn't help but be reminded of his own struggle with the darkness, and of how his crazed Dark Signer self felt somewhat like the Gollum to his Smeagol. And Frodo, falling deeper towards the abyss of madness while Sam continued to try to call him back to the light . . . that of course made him think endlessly about himself and Yusei. How had Tolkien known, so many years ago? How had he written a character so much like Yusei in his loyalty and love?

"This movie changed a little more from the book," Radley spoke, cutting into Kalin's inner monologue. "In the book, Faramir doesn't have that big struggle of what to do with Frodo and Sam; he just does the right thing to begin with. I get why they wanted to change it: given Faramir's unhappy home life and cruel father, they probably figured it was much more realistic for him to struggle with taking the Ring from them to make his father proud. And it adds extra conflict and intensity to the film." He shook his head. "But I still don't really like it. Let Faramir be the good guy he was in the books all along. Not everybody has to struggle to do the right thing." But then he sighed. "Although . . . sometimes it's hard to know what the right thing really is."

Kalin hadn't really been bothered by Faramir's struggle, especially not having the books to compare it to. He had been far more focused on other matters.

". . . Sam's speech to Frodo at the end," he said. "About the stories that got so dark it seemed there could never be light again . . . and then there was."

"That's one of my favorite parts in both the books and the movies," Radley said.

"Do you believe that?" Kalin asked. "Do you believe that the light will always come back?"

Radley sobered, staring off at the opposite wall as he pondered how to respond. "I want to," he said then. "I used to without a doubt. Then it got harder . . . until you came along."

Kalin didn't want to hear that. "I'm hardly the bringer of light," he snorted. "I only bring more darkness."

"I really hope not." Radley gripped Kalin's upper arm. "West believes in you, and so do a lot of the townspeople. You've given us more hope than we've had in ages."

"If I'm the best you can come up with, you're in worse trouble than you realize," Kalin scoffed.

"Okay, nevermind about that," Radley sighed. "Just brace yourself for the last part tomorrow. It's really going to be a gutpunch in a lot of ways."

Kalin could believe it, and yet he wondered how it could get even more that than it already was.

xxxx

Radley's warning had been very accurate, but even he hadn't realized the depth of Kalin's feelings or what would set him off in the third film. As Frodo fell deeper into the darkness cast by the Ring and even began to turn against Sam, Kalin went sheet-white, gripping the couch arm with one hand.

"How could he?!" he snarled. "After all Sam has done for him, how could he?!"

How could I turn against Yusei after everything? How could I possibly think Yusei would betray me?

For a moment Radley looked startled. He hadn't seen that much emotion from Kalin in all the time he had been in town.

". . . The movie would explain it as the Ring getting to him," he said at last. "Frodo was losing his mind. This change is probably the biggest one I take issue with. In the books, Frodo never doubts Sam, as well he shouldn't! Making it happen just to put some extra tension in the movie really bugs me."

Kalin growled. "It makes Frodo look like garbage."

Like me.

. . . No, not as bad as me. At least he's not actively trying to destroy Sam. But still.

Radley looked a little concerned now. He certainly hadn't meant to invoke such a harsh reaction from Kalin. "Hey, I don't like it either, but at least Frodo's not in his right mind there," he said. "And he does come back to himself and realize what he did. I promise things will get better, okay?"

Kalin grunted. "How can they get better?"

"Just watch," Radley said.

And Kalin watched. He had to admit to feeling like Frodo deserved being attacked by Shelob. But when Sam found him and thought he was dead, Kalin's blood ran cold. This was also like with Yusei, how he had died in Yusei's arms and left Yusei behind to suffer and mourn and struggle with the consequences. He couldn't bear knowing how he had hurt Yusei so much. And it hurt seeing how devastated and grief-stricken Sam was.

I'm so sorry, Yusei.

The rest of the movie was a roller coaster of emotions for Kalin. Frodo and Sam were reunited and Sam vowed to carry Frodo the rest of the journey when Frodo just physically could not go on any longer. But at the last, when they were finally at the doorway of Mt. Doom, Frodo fully fell to the darkness of the Ring, announcing he was going to claim it for himself. It was only because of Gollum's madness and obsession that the Ring was at last destroyed and Frodo was set free. Then he and Sam were left to die on a rock as the volcano erupted around them. It looked like the end.

But they were saved. The darkness passed, bringing light and life once again. Everyone was happy and rejoicing.

And yet . . . Frodo never fully recovered. The world had been saved, but not for him. In the end he left, hoping to find peace in the Undying Lands.

Kalin let out a shaking breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Now he felt such a kinship with Frodo. He could never recover either. He had left Yusei, and Jack and Crow, to try to find peace somewhere else.

"I still don't like that Frodo leaves," Radley sighed. "I get why he did, kind of . . . but that doesn't make it any more satisfying."

"I know why he did it," Kalin intoned.

"What I don't get is why he didn't think he could find peace with his friends, after all Sam did for him," Radley said. "I know nobody else in the Shire got it, and it was worse in the books, but I'd think his friends caring about him would be enough to get him by."

Kalin gazed off at nothing. "Some hurts are too deep to be healed by anyone," he said. "Even friends. In some cases, being around them may make the pain worse."

Radley considered that. ". . . Is that how you feel?"

"Being around them reminds me of what I did to them," Kalin said. "It's better to let them live their lives without me."

"What if they don't feel that way about it?" Radley frowned. "What if they still want you around?"

"I know better what's best for them regarding me," Kalin said. He started to get up.

Radley looked like he wasn't sure what to make of how any of this had turned out. ". . . I hope you liked the films, even though some parts dug deep," he said at last.

"I did," Kalin said. "There should be more media like this. You're right that such friendship-based content is lacking in the West, unless it's directed more at young kids."

Relieved, Radley started to get up. "If you want, we can also watch The Hobbit films and the Rings of Power series," he offered.

"Yes, we can do that," Kalin said.

Radley's smile lit up the room and hurt Kalin's heart. For some reason, he wanted so badly to share these things with Kalin. But Kalin knew he could never give Radley what he sought. No matter how many things they watched together, Kalin would never give in, never show the softer side that part of him wanted to let out.

And Radley would always, always be hurt, again and again.

That was just the way it was.

xxxx

Life in town went on as always—Radley trying to reach out to Kalin and inviting him over for private watch parties, dusk duels every night, and celebrations at the diner after every win. It was almost routine by now and although Kalin liked most of it, he still clung to his feelings that he had to see to it he was punished for his past sins. Someday he would lose and then it would happen. He couldn't let himself get too attached to anyone or anything. He already was, of course, even though he staunchly tried to deny it.

It was always interesting when the kids showed up at the diner or anywhere else. And uncomfortable, in West's and Nico's cases. They both seemed to idolize Kalin and he didn't know how to handle that.

"Kalin! Kalin!" West exclaimed whenever he saw his hero. "You were so awesome tonight! I always feel so safe when you're around!"

Nico wasn't always quite so vocal, but she smiled, happy to see him too. "You give us so much hope," she said. "I feel like we'll see our father again because of you."

And Kalin would be incredulous. "I'm not who you think I am," he objected. He held off on telling the full truth, since Radley had warned him not to. But most of the time he felt like West especially wouldn't be deterred even if he knew. He acted like the sun rose and set on Kalin.

"You're probably even cooler!" West beamed. "I don't know how you could be, though!"

Kalin always sighed, seeing it was hopeless.

He never thought or questioned how they got by with their father Malcolm's prisoner. In the Satellite, kids always learned to fend for themselves. It was no doubt the same here.

He somehow never really paid attention to how Radley would take the kids aside, an arm around each one, and talk to them quietly. For some reason he assumed Radley was telling them not to bother him, even though that didn't really sound like something Radley would do. It never occurred to him that Radley might instead be asking them what they needed or offering something on his own. But every night they always left with Nico carrying a new sack.

Radley's foreman Klaus also had two grandkids, Ben and Belle. When they came around, they tended to flock around Radley. Kalin had even seen Radley lift Ben onto his lap on occasion to read to him. Ben thrived on it. His favorite book was about a sentient motorcycle and he asked for it again and again. As soon as he was old enough, he would probably join the Bunch.

Belle usually watched from a distance, her expression filled with adoration. Radley was kind and welcoming to her, but also very careful in what he said. Belle was an older teenager but still a minor, and Radley no doubt was trying not to encourage her in any romantic endeavors. She was already a skilled motorcyclist and often rode with the Bunch in the desert.

"Why isn't Belle a member of the Bunch?" Kalin asked one night. "You said girls are allowed."

"Sure, she's allowed, but Klaus doesn't want her to join," Radley said. "She also has dreams of being a Turbo Duelist, so she'll probably leave for the City once people can freely get out of town again." He looked away. "That would be better anyway. It's awkward enough with her around as much as she is. If she was actually a member of the Bunch, it would get a lot harder to hold her at arm's length."

"She's clearly in love with you," Kalin said.

Radley smiled a bit. "She's too young. It's a child's crush. I think it's really sweet and I'm flattered, but that doesn't change that it's not acceptable right now."

"She'll be old enough someday."

"And maybe then she and I will talk about it," Radley said. "But becoming an adult doesn't always mean your feelings will grow up too. It might still be a child's crush."

Kalin shrugged. "How do you feel about her?"

"She's a kid to me," Radley answered without hesitation. "I care about her a lot, but I see her more as a niece or a little sister than anything else."

". . . Does that mean you think of Klaus as a brother?" Kalin deadpanned as he said this, but he was incredulous given that Klaus was an old man.

Radley laughed. "Nah, Klaus is more like everybody's grandpa. A gruff, prickly grandpa with a heart of gold."

"I don't know what it's like to have someone like that," Kalin said flatly.

"If you open your heart to him, you'll find out," Radley said with a wink.

Kalin grunted. He rather doubted Klaus would be anything other than Radley's foreman to him. And he didn't think Klaus liked him anyway. The few times they had interacted, Klaus had given him black looks, most likely angry thinking that Kalin treated Radley unkindly. He wasn't wrong, Kalin supposed. If Radley wasn't what he claimed, he deserved Kalin's standoffishness. On the other hand, however, if Radley was good, Kalin still felt he was doing the kindest thing to brush him away.

Radley sighed at Kalin's reaction. "Okay, nevermind. I know, you don't need anyone. And I guess you don't want anyone either?"

Kalin shrugged. "Yes."

The sudden bang of the door flying open made them both jump. One of Malcolm's Crew staggered in, clearly drunk out of his mind. He leered at them as he limped over. "So, that's it?" he slurred. "You're just letting anybody in?"

Kalin raised an eyebrow. Who was he insulting?

"I don't regulate my customers," Radley said calmly. "Even if I should. Anyone can come in here if they want to. You wouldn't be in here otherwise."

The Crewmember guffawed. "I guess that's what we can expect from a dirty Spaniard."

Hurt and anger flickered in Radley's eyes. "Should you really be one to talk?" he said. "Malcolm is many unflattering things, but racist isn't one of them. He'll hire anyone. You're only making both yourself and him look bad."

"Shut up!" was the snarled reply. The man started to reach across the table to grab for Radley. "So why don't you give me the Spanish Inquisition? Find out how much I've sinned?"

Radley brushed his hand away. "You're not even making sense. Go home, sleep it off like a good boy, and maybe tomorrow we can talk about this logically. If you even know how to be logical."

The Crewmember called Radley a foul name. "You arrogant little wretch! Your kind is all alike. You showed up here centuries ago, treated everybody like dirt, and expected the whole world to be your oyster! And now you're hanging around a rotten German!"

Kalin clenched a fist. Now he understood.

Radley stood now. Anger was rolling off of him in waves, although he didn't show it. "So you're blaming us for the wrongdoings of our people in the past?"

"You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for people like them!" the Crewmember roared.

"Oh?" Radley's eyes narrowed. "So let me get this straight. You're mad at how people like the conquistadors behaved and yet you're working for someone like Malcolm? Surely you see the irony in that, unless your brain is really too itty-bitty to process it."

"Excuses!" the man snarled. "That changes nothing! You're still one of them! And he's worse!" He pointed at Kalin.

"Okay, so we've committed the unpardonable sins of being Spanish and German." Radley's voice was ice. "What are you going to do to us?"

The Crewmember stumbled. "Just what do you mean by that?!"

"I know you're one of Malcolm's top guards," Radley said. "You must be very skilled at torture. Just what do you do to the miners you're watching over? Tell us that!"

"They're bugs! Just like you're bugs!" The man staggered forward, grabbing for Radley's jacket. "And I'll squash you all!"

Kalin got up, grabbing the hands with his own. "Stop it," he ordered.

"Now, who died and made you leader?" the Crewmember snarled.

"I'm not a leader. I'm a bodyguard," Kalin said.

Radley looked at him, stunned. "Kalin?"

Kalin was glowering at the hateful man with warnings in his eyes. "Get away from him and get out."

The Crewmember looked back and forth between them. Both were formidable and appeared so, and by now the Bunch was starting to emerge from the arcade room where they had been playing, alerted by the angry voices. Even he knew he didn't stand a chance under those circumstances. He cursed them all and pulled free of Kalin before storming out.

"What was that about?" Billy frowned.

Radley shook his head. "It's nothing. Just one of Malcolm's guards being drunk and stupid. He won't be back tonight."

"Are you sure you're okay, Radley?" Scotch asked in concern. "That sounded more serious than their usual stupid."

Radley managed a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about it."

Most of the Bunch slowly went back to the arcade, still frowning. They could sense there was more to it, but Radley had said all he was going to. They wouldn't press him. A few decided to get drinks at the counter, wanting to linger and make sure the guy wouldn't come back.

Radley sank back down at the table with a weary sigh. But when Kalin sat back down too, Radley smiled at him. "Hey, thanks for that," he said. "I thought you didn't wanna be my bodyguard."

Kalin shrugged and looked away. "I didn't like him." He wasn't sure himself why he had made the effort to protect his boss. Something had suddenly welled up inside him and he had wanted to get that man away from Radley. The blind hate, the prejudice . . . it had angered him to see it directed at Radley. Kalin had grown up with it because he was from the Satellite, but Radley . . . he hadn't thought anyone would be prejudiced against Radley because of his race. Because of the biker thing, maybe, but not his race.

Radley was good. He was good. He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve any of it. No matter how Kalin tried to force himself to believe otherwise, the truth was there and he knew it.

Radley laughed a bit. "I didn't like him either. But I still didn't expect you to do anything. Thanks. It means a lot."

Kalin shrugged uncomfortably. "Have you dealt with that before?"

"Because of the leather and jewelry? A lot. Because I'm Spanish? . . . A lot." Radley looked down. "Sometimes I get mistaken for Mexican and people hate on me for that, but other times they know I'm Spanish."

"I've been hated all my life, but not because I'm German." Kalin frowned. "I don't even know the language. I've never been outside of America."

Radley shook his head. "That doesn't matter to people like that."

"It's illogical." Hate was always illogical. Especially his own.

Radley had to laugh. "They don't care about that either!"

Kalin stared off into the distance. "People who hate think they are being logical, just as how people who are insane think they're of sound mind."

Radley sobered. "That's a pretty good insight. And did you catch that the creep practically admitted he tortures Malcolm's workers?"

"He definitely hates them," Kalin said.

Radley ran a hand through his hair. "Someone who hates that much is probably not gonna withhold the torture if he gets the chance to inflict it. We have to bring Malcolm down, Kalin! There's just no other way to stop this."

"I'll fight for you until I lose," Kalin said. "That was the deal."

"You can't lose!" Radley retorted. "Kalin, you're our best hope of getting out of this mess!" He reached across the table and gripped Kalin's hand. "You have to fight until Malcolm doesn't have any more people to send out!"

Kalin pulled his hand away. "I'm not this town's salvation. You put so much faith and hope in me and it will just lead to sorrow and heartbreak someday."

Radley narrowed his eyes. "It had better not. Kalin, I need you! This whole town needs you!" He lowered his voice. "Without you, I honestly don't know what I'd do. I don't think the town would be able to keep hold of their hope. Before you came along, we hadn't had a win in weeks. We can't go back to that! If you fall, you take the town down with you!"

"I won't lose on purpose. That's all I can promise you," Kalin said.

Radley stared at him, thunderstruck. "Why would you suggest that? I wasn't even thinking of something loco like that!"

Kalin started to get up. "I'm going now. I'll see you tomorrow."

"What?! Kalin!" Radley leaped up too. "Don't go like this!"

Kalin paused. He wanted to leave because he was so close to breaking and revealing the full truth. He wanted to tell Radley everything, to make him understand why he was poison. He couldn't do that. But if he walked out now, he would hurt Radley again.

It had to be that way, though. No matter how badly he wanted it to be different, no matter how badly Radley wanted it to be different, it couldn't be. Kalin had to start pushing past those weak feelings of not wanting to hurt him. He had to keep his focus on his ultimate goal.

He clenched a fist. Not saying more, he headed for the door.

He could feel Radley staring after him. But not knowing what else to say or do, he just stood there.

xxxx

Kalin slept fitfully that night. The dreams started as usual, with him as a Dark Signer raining punishment down upon Yusei and not caring who got hurt in the process. But then they shifted to Crash Town and he could hear screams and the sounds of harsh beatings within the mines. Suddenly Radley ran out of the darkness, some sort of shock collar sparking around his neck. His eyes were wide and filled with pain and hurt and betrayal.

"Kalin, don't leave me here!" he cried in desperation. "Why would you do this?! Come back! Please . . . come back. . . ."

The fight went out of him at the silence in reply and he started to turn to forlornly go back the way he had come. That was when the collar activated. He fell to his knees, reaching for it, clawing at it, unable to get it off.

When he crashed to the floor, Kalin woke up in a cold sweat. He lay there, tangled among the bedding, breathing heavily as he tried to process what had just happened.

Why would he dream about something like that? Why was Radley a prisoner in the mine? Why did he have a shock collar? No one knew exactly what was being done to Malcolm's prisoners, if anything. It was just the vague rumors of torture.

Maybe it was the power of suggestion from seeing that vicious Crewmember wrapped up with Kalin's feelings of guilt over how he was treating Radley. He wanted so badly to give in, to be what Radley wanted and accept him as a friend. He wanted, needed that companionship. Being all alone, as he had been after even Yusei had walked out, had been a crushing blow he had never wanted to repeat.

Even as a Dark Signer, he had not been alone. As one of the longer-lasting members, Roman had often tasked him with guiding newer ones. He had liked being important, being needed. But mostly he had liked just being with others. He couldn't take the stabbing cold of being truly alone.

It was because of that very thing that he had to deny himself now. He had to punish himself, denying himself the camaraderie he wanted. He wasn't deserving. He couldn't punish anyone else by saddling them with someone like him.

When he had first come to town, he hadn't even wanted to be with others. He needed to be around people, yet he hadn't wanted their rowdy parties and happy outlooks. What was happy about any of their situations? How could he ever understand happiness again after what he had done?

But in spite of himself, he couldn't fully deny that Radley was showing him how he could. Radley had brought something to his life that he had been missing ever since he had set out on his quest of redemption. He wanted to be with Radley. He wanted to share in what Radley was trying to give him.

Why did it have to be that he had committed so many truly unpardonable sins so he could not?

It was, though. He had ruined his life and the lives of all he had held dear. Now he had to live with the consequences of that, no matter how much it hurt him to do so.

His final dream was just a dream. He couldn't put any stock in it. It was just a distraction from what he knew he had to do.

He sank back down into the mattress and the pillows, staring somberly up at the ceiling until he seemed to slip back to sleep.