I Will Love Who I Please

The Bunch and Radley all watched Melinda for the next several days. But no matter what they did, they never found anything out of the ordinary in her actions. She opened her photography shop and soon was receiving a fair amount of business from regular townspeople and the Duel Gangs alike. Malcolm was indeed interested and tried more than once to sway her to his side, but she was never impressed. She had already determined to support Radley, and she stuck with that.

Radley was definitely pleased, but still unsure what to make of her. He tried to strike up conversations with her whenever he could, hoping to learn enough about her to decide better what he thought. She was usually open, but grew vague on some questions, such as why she had come there.

Kalin avoided her and Nathan whenever he could, but that wasn't so easy. Nathan always seemed to seek him out, often with West's encouragement. The more the kids idolized, the more uncomfortable he grew. He was not someone to cherish and put on a pedestal.

When he could, he escaped to the diner and hid in the lounge or the back hallway. This, however, sometimes resulted in him overhearing Radley's conversations with Melinda when she took her meals there. Such was the case one night when he heard a conversation he had never expected to hear in a million years.

"So really, why did you pick here?" Radley asked.

"Here?" Melinda said vaguely.

Nathan happily ate, not really paying attention to the grown-up discussion.

"For your photography shop," Radley elaborated. "I mean, wouldn't a big city suit you much better? I've seen your work. You could go far with your talent!"

She paused, staring off into the distance. "I probably will do that," she said at last. "This place is pretty small. Frankly, I came here because I heard about a blue-haired wanderer with a prison mark. I wondered if it was Kalin. So I came here and I found out it was."

That was what Radley had thought. ". . . Do you love him?" he asked.

". . . I admire him," she said carefully. "I always have."

Radley still eyed her warily. "Kalin's brought hope to this town that I thought we would never have again," he said. "We can't lose him."

Melinda smiled off at the wall. "Kalin's good at bringing hope."

"Kalin saved us all!" Nathan chirped.

Radley finally started to relax. It didn't sound like Melinda had any goals of taking Kalin away. "That's what I want him to do again," he said. "I believe in him, but he doesn't believe in himself."

"I've noticed he's different," Melinda agreed with a sad sigh.

"What was he like before?" Radley asked. "I've heard stories about the Enforcers. They're legends around here. But the Kalin I know isn't much like the Kalin in those stories. Sometimes I see glimpses of that person. . . . They're usually fleeting."

Melinda smiled a bit again. "I didn't know him like his friends did," she said. "But he was exuberant . . . happy . . . confident that he and the others could save the Satellite. His determination never wavered. He was a perfect leader. It was because the others were so inspired by his example that they conquered the Duel Gangs. The Satellite still wasn't perfect, it was true. Sector Security still loomed over it. But people could live in relative peace when they couldn't before. Without the Duel Gangs, they didn't have to live in constant fear."

". . . I wish I could have known him then," Radley said softly.

"I can barely get anywhere with him now," Melinda said. "You have the patience of Job to keep trying."

Radley gave an awkward laugh. "Hey, he works for me! What am I supposed to do, treat him as coldly as he treats me? That's bad business!"

"You could have fired him," Melinda remarked.

"I couldn't do that," Radley said. "I need him. He's incredible! I've never had a Duelist last this long. With him, we finally stand a real chance of beating Malcolm for good."

"Is that really your only reason?" Melinda pressed.

"I . . ." Radley looked away again. ". . . No, it's not the only reason."

Melinda didn't question him further. Instead she just smiled. "I didn't think so."

When she and Nathan left a little bit later, Radley looked deep in thought. Before Kalin could make up his mind on what to do next, Billy went over to him. "Radley?"

Radley looked up. "Yeah?"

Billy shifted, looking awkward. "Well . . . I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but . . . when I heard you and Melinda talking, I started wondering. . . . You asked her if she loved Kalin. I . . . I'm wondering if you do."

Kalin jumped, shocked.

Radley started too. "Why would you ask that?"

Billy shrugged. "I didn't really think so at first, but I've been watching you with him . . . how much you want him to be with us. . . ."

"Well, sure," Radley said. "He's my best Duelist and my bodyguard. And you know I've always been friendly with the Duelists. Why not Kalin too?"

"It's just . . . I don't think I've ever seen you try so hard with someone, except us," Billy said. "You just really want to be with him and you really light up when you're with him. I think maybe you do love him."

Radley smiled a bit, staring off into the distance. "Kalin's one of us, whether he wants to believe that or not. He's family. It's stupid and will probably never go anywhere since he's just not interested, but . . . yeah, I'm crazy about him."

". . . He'll never feel that way about you," Billy said. "He doesn't want to be part of the family."

"I know." Radley sighed. "That's why it's stupid to keep trying. I know he's got a lot of pain he's bottling up, and I wish he'd confide in me, but it's not likely to ever happen. I love him . . . and he's completely indifferent to me. Maybe. He acts like he likes the things I try to share with him. And he talks to me when I start conversations. Maybe he's just a harder sell than you guys were. Maybe I am getting through, little by little."

"I just don't want you to get hurt," Billy said.

"I don't really want to either," Radley said. He smiled. "Thanks, Billy."

Billy hesitated. "I know he's a great Duelist and all, but is he really worth it, Radley?"

Radley sighed. "I ask myself that question every day. I must really think he is, huh? I see a great guy there. I just wish I could get him to come out more."

"I hope he will, for your sake," Billy said.

Kalin, still standing at the end of the back hallway, was reeling from the entire overheard scene. Radley loved him?!

On the one hand, it made a sad, heartbreaking sense as to why Radley kept trying over and over, and why he always looked so happy just to be with Kalin for any reason. But on the other . . . how could Radley possibly care that much when he just wasn't worth it? He was an intelligent man . . . so why?

Kalin had to try to figure it out for himself. And if it was true, he had to try to put a stop to it for Radley's own good. When Billy left and Radley was finally alone again, Kalin came out, revealing his presence.

Radley jumped. "How long were you there?"

"A long time," Kalin said.

Radley looked concerned now. ". . . What did you think about what you heard?" he asked.

"I think you're a fool," Kalin said flatly. "I've told you that before."

Radley sighed. "You make it really hard to figure you out, Kalin. Sometimes you also make it really hard to like you. But we've had good times together. You've acted like you like it. And you couldn't if you really don't like me, could you?"

Kalin still wouldn't meet his gaze or answer his question. Radley was right, of course, but Kalin couldn't say it. He couldn't give out any more hope.

"The way I feel doesn't make it any more likely that something will work out." Radley hesitated. "Does it?"

Kalin clenched a fist. He couldn't look at Radley. He knew he would see that foolish, heartbreaking hope in his eyes and he couldn't face that. Not when he knew he had to shatter it again.

"No."

Radley let out a shaking breath. "Yeah, that's what I thought." Now he turned away. "So it doesn't matter."

Kalin didn't protest. ". . . How? Why? How can you possibly feel like this?"

Radley was weary now. "I don't know. I saw something that appealed to me. I still see it. Maybe I'll always see it, or maybe I'll grow up and realize it's never for me. I haven't reached that point yet. Maybe you're right and I really am a fool. I wanna believe I'm not. I wanna believe . . . that you're really worth loving."

"I'm not," Kalin said flatly. "The other Enforcers realized it in the past. Yusei kept loving me anyway, but Jack and Crow gave up on me. If you have any sense, you will too."

"Yeah, I should," Radley retorted. "It's funny, I thought I was cynical enough not to get my heart broke again. It looks like I was wrong, huh?"

"Only you can answer that," Kalin replied.

"You wouldn't even care if I did," Radley retorted.

"It would be your own fault," Kalin said.

Something shattered in Radley's eyes. "Yeah. I really am brilliant." He turned, heading for the stairs and his office. "I'll see you later."

So many times Radley had turned and walked away after Kalin had hurt him, but he had always, always come back all smiles again before long.

Somehow Kalin had the feeling he might not this time. It had been the result he had been trying to achieve, but . . . maybe he had done too good a job. And it was too late now to take it back.

Not that he would have anyway.

Kalin turned away too, ignoring how his heart was breaking in pieces.

It was all he deserved, after all.

xxxx

Radley was different after that night. He still reached out to Kalin and smiled and was friendly, but the smiles never quite reached his eyes anymore. Kalin always saw the sadness, the longing, and the possible love within them, but he also saw the wounds. Any time Radley looked at him, the hurt was so obvious in his eyes. Radley cared about him and Kalin only thought he was a fool for it. And Radley was finally accepting that.

Kalin said no more about it. He was still Radley's best Duelist and bodyguard, and he still went along with Radley's friendly invitations at least some of the time, but more and more, he was finding it easier to just walk away and wound him again instead of fully participating. It was what was best. Kalin was destined to suffer. Radley deserved better than that. He had all the Bunch; he didn't need Kalin's friendship. Kalin was no good to anyone as a friend or anything other than a Duelist.

And maybe Kalin had been right in the first place anyway. Maybe Radley was just a greedy warmonger. Maybe he had only been trying to fool Kalin into thinking otherwise. Kalin didn't really believe that anymore, but trying to make himself believe it made it hurt so much less.

Then, one night after the duel, Yusei appeared. He called to Kalin as they rode away, but of course Kalin didn't respond. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about it since then. Melinda coming was one thing. Yusei coming was quite another. That must surely mean his time had finally come. It was a sign. On the morrow, Kalin would find his peace.

He had mixed feelings about it, to his bewilderment. He didn't want to leave Radley. He didn't want Radley to feel even more betrayed and hurt than he did already. But the thought of finally embracing the suffering he deserved was such a relief, it trumped all other feelings. Radley would be better off without him. So would everyone else. Yusei would end him and he would go to the mines. It was all so right.

The last thing he expected was for Melinda to manage to find him that night as he was playing his harmonica mournfully on the plateau.

"You're really good at that," she said softly as she approached.

Kalin let it drop back around his neck. "Where's Nathan?"

"With Nico and West back at the diner." Melinda sighed and folded her arms. "Kalin, what happened between you and Radley? Things haven't been the same."

"Nothing happened." Kalin wouldn't look at her.

"That's what Radley says too. But I can see something's wrong. He was so relaxed and happy when I first came to town, and you seemed to like his company. Now you're always cutting out on him and he's always upset about it! It hurts to see you both this way."

Kalin stiffened. "It's not your business."

"Kalin . . ." Melinda sounded disappointed, disillusioned. "I know what happened to you was terrible. The Facility is a nightmare if all the stories I've heard are true. But that's no reason to hurt somebody who genuinely wants you around. I thought you were better than that. Even when you snapped and tried to bring down Sector Security, I thought you were better than that. You wanted Sector Security out because you were trying to make everything better for us! What changed, Kalin? What made you so cold, so hard?"

Kalin refused to answer. He hadn't told Radley the full truth. Why would he tell someone he had never been close to?

"Is this how you've treated Radley all along?" Melinda demanded.

"Radley is finally starting to understand I don't want him around." Kalin reached for his harmonica again. "You will too, sooner or later."

"I can't believe either of us were so wrong about you," Melinda retorted. "There must be something we're missing!"

Kalin started to play a melancholy tune. The conversation was over, as far as he was concerned.

Melinda just stood there for a long time, listening to him play and trying to work out in her mind what to do. Finally, at a complete loss, she turned and left him alone.

xxxx

Radley was in a sour mood back in the diner. Kalin had been cold again, which was hurtful enough. But now someone else had arrived whom Kalin knew. He hadn't even had the chance to question Kalin about it; Kalin had left so fast. The more Radley thought about it, the more he worried. Kalin was always strange lately, but tonight had been much worse. The newest arrival had likely shaken him. Maybe this would be what Radley had feared and Kalin would leave with that person. He was likely one of the other Enforcers, maybe that Yusei fellow. He would no doubt have more sway over Kalin than Radley ever could.

Billy was trying to comfort him. Radley appreciated it, but the pain was still there. He had tried so hard, and even though Kalin had repeatedly shot him down, he still wasn't giving up. Why? He was frustrated, he was hurt, he was tired. Oh so tired. And now he had a ghost from Kalin's past to contend with too. Maybe by tomorrow night, Kalin would be gone, having left with that ghost.

Radley had wondered if he could talk to that guy and convince him to help them. He'd had the Bunch looking for him, and he had looked himself, but to no avail. If the newcomer was a Duelist, then it seemed there was only one possibility: Malcolm had got to him first. And if that was the case, tomorrow night he and Kalin would no doubt be facing off. What would happen then? Was Kalin so cold he wouldn't care if he fought a friend? Or would he drop everything and lose to be with that friend? Radley just didn't know anymore.

He couldn't help remembering all the times they had talked here, at his favorite table. It had been much more difficult lately. One of the last times they had had a fairly decent talk had been one night when they had watched Nico and West leave for home.

"Is it safe for them to walk around town alone?" Kalin frowned.

"They know all the best hiding spots," Radley smirked. "But you're right, it's not really safe." He sighed. "Barney's walking them home tonight."

"Do you have the Bunch follow all the kids home?" Kalin grunted.

"The other kids still have at least some of their families," Radley said. He looked tired. "Jordan was a fool to come out here to make his fortune. All these people, willing to risk their futures and their families', just for a chance at getting rich."

"Which you provide," Kalin pointed out.

"And which you willingly accepted, just like all the others," Radley said. "I'm up-front with all of them. They know what they're getting into. They know if they lose, they'll go to the mines. And they all agree anyway." He shook his head. "Crazy fools."

"If you ever do overthrow Malcolm, you'll really abolish the dusk duel system?" Kalin wondered.

"Why wouldn't I?" Radley shot back. "If Malcolm's defeated, who would they even fight? Honestly, a lot of these Duelists aren't really good miners. I'd rather hire people the normal way and get decent labor. There's a lot of good, strong guys who like this kinda work. A lot of them aren't so big on dueling, though, so I don't get a lot of them passing through here." He sighed. "Malcolm is an idiot. Imagine, thinking this is a good way to get miners! A lazy and cheap way, maybe."

"Why are you even doing it this way if you don't like it?" Kalin grunted.

"It was Malcolm's idea," Radley muttered. "The alternative was worse." Louder he said, "Sometimes I get caught up in it and get excited about the money being made. I don't deny that. But when I really stop to think about it, I think how much more I could be making if I owned all the mine and could just go about things in a normal way. Malcolm probably thinks about that too. We each want the other out."

"Ironic, that for all his tanks, he can't get rid of you," Kalin commented.

Radley smirked a bit again. "Yeah, isn't it? We're more than he bargained for, especially thanks to you."

"You've been holding him off a lot longer than I've been here," Kalin objected.

"Things are still even better with you here," Radley said.

"You put far too much faith in me," Kalin said. "I don't deserve it."

"I know, I know, that's what you always say," Radley said tiredly. "But humor me a little, won't you?"

"I see no point in letting you live with false hope," Kalin said.

"As long as you're winning duels, it's real hope," Radley said.

"Realistically, we both know I could lose anytime," Kalin said. "That's why this whole venture with the Duelists is such a gamble."

"If you believe you're going to win, that goes a long way towards helping you really do it," Radley said. He tapped the side of his head. "It's all in the psychology of the matter."

"Heh." Kalin smirked a bit. "You believe in that kind of thing too?"

"I know it can work," Radley said. "I'm not saying it always does. That would be ridiculous. But sometimes, sure."

"And other times, luck just runs out." Kalin brushed his hair over his shoulder. "Dueling is more about luck and Fate than skill."

"To a certain extent, yeah," Radley said. "But at least it takes skill to put the right cards in your deck and to know how and when to play them."

"Touché," Kalin conceded.

Radley stared off grimly at the opposite wall. Whatever progress he'd been making with Kalin seemed to have come to a screeching halt since then. They were back to how things had been at the beginning, only it hurt far worse now that he had experienced happiness with Kalin for a while and now it was gone.

"Radley?"

He looked up as Melinda came in. "Nathan's in the arcade," he greeted.

"He always loves that." Melinda smiled, but it was filled with sorrow and worry. "Radley, I know this will sound insane and ludicrous, but please, please don't give up on Kalin. There's so much locked in his heart that he won't say, but I know he's in pain too. He won't admit it or believe it, but he needs someone! He needs you."

That brought a scoff. "He needs me?! Oh sure. I'm the last thing he needs, honey. He needs his old pals, maybe. I was never good enough. And the funny thing is, I'll keep trying anyway. Just how much punishment can a guy take, you know? You'd think I'd have had enough."

"You see something in him that goes deeper than his words!" Melinda insisted. "You don't believe he speaks the truth when he says he doesn't like you or whatever it is he says! It takes a special person to feel that way."

Radley stared into the bottom of his glass. "A stupid person, maybe. Wow, I must be a real masochist. But yeah, you don't have to worry and you don't need to come pleading Kalin's case to me. I'm still in his corner."

"I'm glad," Melinda said softly.

Billy looked confused. "But Radley, you said his Dueling skills were the only good thing about him!"

Radley tiredly waved a hand. "People say a lot of things when they're hurt. It doesn't mean they really mean them."

Billy slowly nodded. From his eyes, he had hoped Radley had indeed given up on something so futile. "Oh. . . . Yeah, I know that. . . ."

Radley set the glass on the table. "But I don't know what to do for him. It's obvious that I can't reach him no matter what I do." He drew a shaking breath. "And we're trapped in this endless cycle with Malcolm until one of us truly wins. No matter how much I still care about Kalin, I have to put the town first. They're all counting on him and he's the only one who really has a solid chance of leading us to victory. I have to think about that."

Melinda looked down. She couldn't say Radley was wrong, not under these torturous circumstances. "So what are you going to do?"

"Whatever I have to." Radley stared out the window. "I can't lose Kalin. Not now. After we've beat Malcolm, if he wants to go, then fine, I won't hold him here. I . . . I'll let him go." His voice cracked. "But I need him to stay until the town's safe."

"He seems like he wants to duel," Melinda remarked. "I don't think you'll have trouble keeping him here."

". . . If Yusei Fudo or one of those other guys came back for him, do you think Kalin would go with him?" Radley blurted.

Melinda looked surprised by the question. ". . . I really don't know," she said. "I didn't know Kalin well. He was just a larger-than-life hero to Nathan, and somewhat to me too. We weren't close."

"He's always thinking of them, always talking about them and about being an Enforcer." Radley frowned. "Although he said they'd be fools to still care about him too. He just doesn't want anybody."

"He feels like he doesn't deserve anybody," Melinda insisted. "It's not personal, Radley. I'm sure of that!"

"You don't know him well and yet you're sure of that?" Radley looked incredulous. "Yeah, I don't think he wants anybody around, for whatever reason. But with me, there's the additional problem that he doesn't like me. He's told me that over and over and I just keep taking it. But there comes a time when even the nicest, most long-suffering person has had enough. Someday, if nothing changes, that's it, I'll have had enough too."

Melinda laid her hand on Radley's. "I'm so sorry." She sighed. "I've had just about enough myself. As soon as I can, I'll leave town with Nathan."

Radley stared at her in surprise. "Where will you go?"

"To the City, like you suggested," Melinda said. "And maybe while I'm there, I can tell someone about your plight here and get help."

"I don't even know that I trust Sector Security," Radley sighed. "And you know no one's supposed to leave town. If you guys try, you might be caught by Malcolm. Or worse, by the guys who run the hearse. I don't know what they'd do to you!"

Melinda stiffened a bit. "I don't care so much for myself, but I don't want to put Nathan in any worse danger. Do you think they'd hurt children?!"

"The hearse guys, I wouldn't put anything past them," Radley said. "Malcolm, he talks big, but even he doesn't actually have the stomach to hurt kids. Maybe just because he knows the town would riot if he did. I don't know." He stared off at the wall without really seeing it. "He tried kidnapping all the kids once to force me to surrender to him. I called his bluff and he let them go without hurting them. But I couldn't risk him doing anything like that again. When he suggested the nightly duels to find mining labor and threatened to keep terrorizing the town if I said No, I agreed. I had no idea he would torture his miners or that things would keep going on and on for years like this. I still don't know that I did the right thing, or that I wasn't taken over by greed after a while. I know I like the money."

Melinda listened to the story as tears slipped from her eyes. "Does Kalin know about how the duels started?" she asked.

"It's not the kind of thing I talk about. I don't know why I said it to you." Radley leaned back with a sigh.

"You should tell him," she said. "Or I will. You've been trying so hard to look after this town, and you're still worried about keeping everyone safe now. You wouldn't worry so much if greed was the main thing you were thinking about."

Radley gave a hollow laugh. "Yeah, maybe not. I don't know. Maybe Kalin has a reason not to like me. Maybe I'm the one who's no good."

"That's not true!" Billy cried.

"Yes, don't say that!" Melinda stood, glaring down at Radley much as Kalin had earlier that evening. "You gave all of these guys in the Bunch a fresh start in a loving family. They're always praising you up, and for good reason! Most of them never knew kindness from an authority figure until you became their big brother! And you keep this town going as well as you can. Malcolm certainly doesn't do anything constructive. You're a good man and a good leader! And I believe there is still hope for you and Kalin!"

"I'll never give up on him as a Duelist," Radley said. "As the friend and confidante I longed for? I'll keep trying there too, even though I'm not as sure about that anymore."

Melinda smiled. "I'll get Nathan and go, but we won't try to leave town yet. Not if you think Nathan might be in danger if we do. Someday, when things settle down, we'll go then."

"I wish you all the best either way," Radley said.

She smiled. "You're a good man." She left him and walked down the hall to the arcade.

"She's right," Billy spoke up again. "You really are."

Radley scoffed. "A good man." After Crash Town had been under siege from Malcolm for four years? After they had been fighting all that time for control of the mine?

After what he was probably going to have to resort to in order to try to keep Kalin from leaving?

Really, it wasn't likely it would work. But all of his heartfelt pleas and explanations about Malcolm fell on deaf ears. Kalin had closed himself off even more than before. Radley had no idea who had come to town knowing Kalin or where he was or what would happen on the morrow. If Kalin continued to act erratic, he didn't know what he had left but to fall back on Malcolm's tactics of fear and intimidation. He would never really go through with any sick threats, but to make one at all . . . to even consider it . . . especially when he really still loved Kalin . . .

He could never think of himself as a good man.