Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Five: The McKay Men

As I drive to the hospital I feel panicky, his Doctor had reassured me that he was physically fine, but due to the nature of his condition I needed to come and sign documents. She didn't think he would want to leave as he voluntarily came in but detox could make people act irrationally. If he did though, she and he agreed that a legal seventy-two hour hold should be enforced. The only thought going through my head was what was he detoxing from, how long had this been going on, and why the fuck had no one stopped him or called me to stop him.

I walked into the hospital at seven-thirty, still in my morning workout clothes and rushed to reception. It wasn't long before I was led into a private consultation room.

"Miss Walsh I'd say it is a pleasure to see you face to face but I would have preferred it to be under different circumstances. Shall we sit?" As I move to the chair she indicates I can't stop myself from firing questions.

"How is he? Can I see him?"

"He's… I guess you could say he has finally hit bottom." I close my eyes, I have seen him close but he had never reached it. Close was scary traumatic enough. "From your reaction, I'm guessing you understand what that means."

"Yes, but I have never seen him do it before."

"You've managed to prevent it?" I nod. "I thought as much. He has tide a lot of his security to you, his motivation seems to be completely based on maintaining your place in his life. While we have unpacked your experience of the holdup last year, his experience was different. He felt like he couldn't protect you. He feared that you could have been taken from him. Feared that he would lose the person he was, that he had become, that he finally liked if you weren't there. I don't need to tell you how that fear altered his thinking, changed his personality, made him lose that person anyway." I nod. "Over January he was able to work on his physical manifestations of that fear. His cognitive behavioural therapy has helped stop the night terrors, has given him strategies to identify when his adrenaline is starting to increase, and helped him know how to calm the physical reaction so his acute stress response is not activated. Though we hadn't yet dealt with your place in his life before he figured it out."

"I had to be dealt with, like I was a bad thing?"

"What do you think of your place? Do you see your relationship as healthy?"

I stand up and move to the window and run my hand through my hair. "At times we were very healthy. We of course had normal couple problems, silly disagreements about restaurants and how we spent our time." I didn't state that it was our intense physical connection that had resulted in the latter. I didn't want our make out sessions listed as unhealthy. "Overall though we were good. He got better grades, went to school more, his moodiness decreased, he was happy, we were happy."

"But?"

"We are intense. The relationship at times could be overwhelming, it had been like that from the get go. He was better at handling that then me, I'd run away from it. He started hiding things from me if he felt I would leave him if I knew."

"Do you know when that started?"

I turned to her and nod, then move back to the chair. "We almost never really started. He stood me up for our first official date, he had been unsure how to call and tell me what was going on in his life. He didn't know how to open up and tell me about his Dad. It had taken him coming to my house begging for forgiveness to make me give him another chance. From then on he was open with everything. A few months into our relationship we were supposed to meet in Palm Springs, spend the weekend together but I got confused about the name of the hotel, and well it wasn't till the next morning fourteen hours late did I knock on his door. He wasn't alone. Nothing had happened between the girl and him, they were having breakfast and had been neighbours growing up, but after she left I asked him if he wanted to sleep with her. His response was intellectually but he hadn't acted on that. At the time I didn't take that well. He was simply saying he could see she was attractive and someone he could see doing that with but that he didn't want to because of me. He didn't want that with anyone but me, he only felt something for me. I was young, I didn't handle that response and I asked him to take me back to my friends."

"You ran away from his honesty?"

I nod. "We made up but then I did it again. We had a pregnancy scare and when it was proven to be a false alarm he asked me if we should think about me going on the pill. He knew how stressed I had been, how worried I was. He wasn't meaning anything more than giving me an extra level of protection to ensure I never had to worry like that again. I reacted badly, his bad timing and lack of tact made me storm out. Later that night I broke up with him."

"So twice he had been completely honest and twice you left him for it. When you got back together?"

"He began not telling me things that he thought would make me leave. He would do anything…"

"To prevent you leaving him, he stopped drinking because you would leave." I nod.

"My father wouldn't let me continue to see him if he was. I asked him to stop that I didn't want to lose him again."

"So he stopped just like that." I nod. "So fear was a common theme?"

"But it wasn't just the fear, we both were unfaithful had a lapse in judgment. We had been honest and then recommitted after it, but it became our new running away. The first happened just before the holdup."

"You emotionally distanced from the other, betrayed each other. How did that impact your relationship?"

"We believed that as long as we loved each other we could get over the hurts."

"So he is getting over his fear of you running, is feeling confident thinking only drinking is the dealbreaker now, he's secure and then the holdup shows him someone or something else has the power to take you away." I nod. "He becomes intense about keeping you near him, which triggers alarm bells in your father and from what I understand you started to see his mood shifts." I nod again. "You get sent away and rather than deal with his issues, he gets worse. Drinking or drugs aren't an option as that will make you leave, so he finds something that he has used in the past as an escapism women." I nod. "And you both have just green lighted that as acceptable, forgivable." I close my eyes and nod. "But you don't forgive this time?"

"He lied to me."

"Because when you came back and his adrenaline response calmed down he released what he had done over the summer had crossed the line that you would leave, so he reverted back to keeping things from you."

"That's the unhealthy part of us. We love each other intensely. It either makes us run or makes us accept shitty behaviour from the other." We are quiet for a moment, I guess she is giving me time to think about all I have said, but it's not new to me.

"Brenda, Dylan has built his security around you, he doesn't think he can do this alone. From what I understand he has been alone all of his life and you are the first person, the only person he has really let all the way in. When he met you he stopped wanting to be alone, but not having any positive relationships to role model off he doesn't know how to be together. You even stated that the intensity scared you, and you had a very stable home life with many positive relationships you observed and were apart of. He doesn't have that. His therapy made him aware that he has placed too much on you and that there are parts of your relationship that are unhealthy, and well it's an interesting dilemma. A fierce need to protect you, wanting to see you happy, safe and loved, and the knowledge that he wasn't able to do that. He believes that he will drag you down, that you will constantly have to stop him hitting bottom."

"Because he doesn't know he can stop himself."

"Exactly." She pauses choosing her words. "With your career, your forthcoming revealing he feels he is ill-equipped to handle that, he will become an embarrassment to you. He will stop you from enjoying your success."

She was telling me nothing that I hadn't realised but it hurt that he couldn't communicate this to me himself, that he was still keeping secrets, but then I had demonstrated I was unable to handle absolute honesty from him. It didn't matter that I was young, that we had just started together, Dylan's first ever real relationship with anyone and I had taught him that he could be punished for the truth.

"Over the last few weeks he has pushed everyone away, or in his mother's case she had to physically be away for an emergency. His Dad's dismissal-" I look up from my hands.

"What dismissal? What has Jack done?"

"He left a phone message and well that is it, no further contact since his release." Fucking hell Jack. From what I know the man I sat with on the beach that morning, the man who had love for his family that didn't seem right. "Dylan's cutting of ties, his internal blame, guilt, self-punishment, fear led him to relapse last night. When he came to this morning he called me and finally opened up to what he has been feeling. Brenda the positive here is that he asked for help, he didn't continue down that path. He admitted to having a problem."

"And he believes he can get better otherwise he wouldn't have reached out." She smiles at me. "I've attended a lot of AA meetings with him. I understand the steps. This is the first time since I have known him that he has found the first three by himself."

"That hopefully will make this time a significant step in the right direction. That he will develop the confidence that he can do this himself. That he won't be a liability to anyone."

"What do you need from me to help him?"

"Just your signature. He has voluntarily put himself on a seventy-two hour hold to detox and begin the process of healing, but he can take away his consent at anytime, meaning he could walk out."

"He has asked that you sign the document in case he does that. He chose that option for himself. It's important that he makes all of these choices about his recovery, but he is aware the addict in him, that the illness when denied could prevent that sound reasoning, so he wants the additional security."

"Where and what do I sign?" She passes me the document, having signed many legal documents over the months I quickly read through and then consent. Any medical treatment over the next seventy-two hours will require my consent.

"Can I see him now?"

"He has asked for you not to." I lose my breath for a moment, when in need he has always wanted me. "He has given me this note though to give to you." I take it but don't read it yet.

"What happens from here?"

"He'll spend at least the next three days here and then he and I will reassess, consider if out treatment or in treatment is his best option. His recovery from there will be up to Dylan working his program and continuing to unpack and come to terms with his life experiences."

"And he and I?"

"That will be up to the both of you, but you are easily able to fall back into patterns unless you actively break them and establish new ones. I would say that he needs to work on himself, learn to stand on his own two feet without alcohol, drugs or you propping him up. If he doesn't then this will be for nothing."

"In other words give him space to heal completely."

"Yes, but you are important to him. He see's you well as his only real family. He mentioned your promise to each other? He sees that as sacred a life time commitment." By her questioning tone Dylan obviously has not clarified on the what that promise was.

I smile and somewhat embarrassingly tell her, "we pinky promised to be family forever, best friends, to always have each other's back." The commitment the oath was true, the childish method well that was a little awkward to say out loud.

"Ahh that explains why he kept rubbing his finger."

He's getting help, that's the positive. He wants to get better, believes he can. The hard thing is that he needs to do this without me, he wants to do this alone, he wants this to be private. I can give him that. "You understand the media around me," she nods, "and around the McKay family?"

"Yes."

"Then you'll understand the need for everyone here to sign NDA's. I know he is protected and my secret is protected by patient confidentiality but that doesn't extend to everyone here. He will not want the media getting a hold of this, with Jack now out this could be of interest, and when the public is aware of who I am he will not want this to be released. He has the right to privacy and if he chooses to share this it should be his decision."

"I understand. Though hospital policy means no one can disclose private information."

"There maybe a time when the financial benefit of the story is more valuable than their job. The NDA will deter that thinking. My lawyer will be in touch to arrange the NDA's of all the hospital worker's in the department." She nods. "Does he need anything from his house?"

"No he should be all set. He brought a bag that has already been checked for any substances."

"Okay well I'll get in touch with the school let them know about his medical absence. Can he do work while he is here I know he wanted to graduate on time?"

"Yes if he wants to."

"Okay well I will arrange some work for him, if he chooses to do it then it is there. If he wants to stay here longer than the seventy- two hours I can discuss correspondence with the school. His classes shouldn't be a hinderance for him to get better."

"He is right you are very organised and you instinctively take care of him."

"We instinctively take care of each other." It was true our relationship had imbalances and at times had been unhealthy but regardless of all of that we were madly in love. We wanted what was best for the other, we liked taking care of the other. As I stand to leave with my note in hand I thank her and remind her to call my service if he needs anything. Before I make it to the door I turn around and ask one more question. "Is there something that triggered his drinking last night?"

"It was Valentine's Day and he wanted to send you flowers, he didn't know where to send them and hated the feeling that he had to ask someone where you were, that so much had changed in a year. What did you do last year he kept referring to you both being so close then?"

"We gave blood together."

As I left the hospital I noticed the time. Crap I had to be at the school in thirty minutes and I was still dressed in workout clothes. I wouldn't have time to go back to my house and change, I decided to stop by a store and buy an outfit. Once that was complete I got to the school early and asked the Principal if I could make a couple of phone calls privately as there was an emergency that came up this morning. I called Mrs T and booked an appointment with her for tomorrow morning and advised her that she shouldn't expect Dylan for the next three day's. I then rang my lawyer, after explaining the situation and the need for NDA's to cover Dylan and I at the hospital he agreed to get on it straight away, before I hung up I requested he also get me a number for Jack McKay if he could. Me and my… well whatever Jack was to me had to talk.

The day passed by slowly and by the time I was packing up the note was burning a hole in my pocket. Before I left the school I advised the guys to take the next day off that I had last minute meetings scheduled. No one was told about Dylan, it would be kept confidential until he told me what he wanted. Deciding to ensure that not only his privacy was maintained but also that there was no evidence of his night or potential substances left, I went to his home. It was surprisingly neat, and looked the same as when I had last been here besides for the now clear coffee table. I found the empty bottle of Jack and threw it away, enabling to locate the remains of the flowers he had purchased. He had been upset. I then moved through the house and checked each cupboard, behind each book, cushion, towel, in each box, until the only remaining room to look in was what had been ours.

I slowly opened the door and immediately spotted my pyjamas on the bed, the photographs of the beach that still hung over it, and the collection of my cd's on his bedside table. We were hopeless. When I left after Christmas I had practically shutdown for four weeks, when I left over three weeks ago he had done the same thing. We had always known we were intense together but fighting it, pushing it away, denying it, being completely away from the other had brought a new level to it. As I sat on the bed we had shared I finally opened the note.

Dear Brenda,

I am sorry to drag you into this and I am even more sorry for having broken my promise and started drinking again. It was one time, but I have had the bottle in my possession for day's. When I finally realised how much I had blown up my life, our life together I caved to temptation.

When I look around the home we once shared I didn't want the life I was creating for myself, I didn't want to have pushed my family and friends away, I didn't want to believe that this was all I was entitled to. That I was still that loner who escaped his problems by hiding away behind booze, drugs and women.

You'll know by now I have asked to not see you. Please don't think I'm angry or pushing you away but this time I need to do this by myself, I need to learn to get better for me. Camille told me in Vegas that I could get blown away, swallowed in the whirlwind that is your incredible force of nature if I didn't have something of my own. I think the first something I need to claim on my own is my sobriety.

I don't expect this journey will bring me back to you. I know that I have lit this bridge on fire so many times that I worry that the divide between us maybe impossible to cross now, that the bridge is no longer stable to hold us both. But I think that is important, I think it's important that I don't work to bring you back that instead I work to bring me back.

You showed me I was capable of more, with you I was more. Now I need to be more for me. Like you are.

Love always,

Dylan

Xx

As I finished searching Dylan's place, I decide that it was time to take my jumper and pyjamas back. We need to stop torturing the other with what if's. We had vowed to be family forever, best friends but like Dylan thought maybe there now was just too much between us. Too many fears, too much running away, too many hurts and too much drama for it to work again. Maybe it was time to cut our losses and give up.

When I arrived home there was a message from my lawyer on my answering machine the NDA's had been issued and all had signed, he had also reached out to Jack's current lawyer the one listed on his early release court documents. He had given the man my messaging service details, knowing only a select few had my home number. As I thought of that I felt bad, I was desperate to run away that afternoon following Dylan's rejection that I didn't even think to give him my information. Even at school when we saw each other that day I had never considered that he didn't have them. That would have hurt him, it would have hurt me if it had been reversed.

Checking my phone service there were messages from the record company, a reminder to follow up on the Director's list they had sent me to help me put my show together. A message about the Grammy's if I wanted to attend incognito a ridiculous suggestion. David and Camille were flying in next week for the ceremony they'd handle the Grammy's. Two of my nominations were co-nominations with David anyway one as co-writer, co-performer and producer, and the other my producer. I didn't need to sit awkwardly in attendance in fear of being figured out, I trusted David and Camille to represent me if we were lucky enough to win. The last message was from Jack with a return number. I rang straight away.

"Hello." The guy who answered sounded like him but having never spoken to him on the phone I didn't want to run the risk of blasting a total stranger.

"Hello is Jack McKay there?"

"Brenda, Sweetheart is that you?"

"Jack don't sweetheart me right now. What the hell is going on? You get out of prison and don't even reach out properly to Dylan. You have been building a relationship with him for nearly two years, he writes and comes to visit you, you've stayed with us, and then a fucking answering machine message, are you serious? You knew what he was going through at Christmas, what we was dealing with in January and you decide this is the time to revert back to distant fucking parenting."

"Calm down Sweethe…" my almost growl makes him back track, "Brenda. I told him I'd be in touch soon I just needed to get some ducks in a row and they are nearly all set."

"What ducks are more important than your son?"

"Nothing is more important. I told you that on the beach remember?" He never told me Dylan was the important, we spoke of regrets over Iris and Dylan, of him being ruthless , and of… fuck what had he been doing? These McKay men were going to cause me to have a nervous breakdown.

He was lying to me and Jack like Iris said was too smart to think I wouldn't know, which means he was with people that he wanted to lie to. "I remember. Are you staying with friends?"

"I am, actually I've been talking to someone for a while she's great her name is Christine. We are just spending some time getting to know each other, she's helping me readjust back into life on the outside. Though I think LA is nearly ready for the return of Jack McKay. There are so many old friends to catch up with, I'm thinking a big coming out party."

"Would Dylan need to be there, I mean if it's just your old friends your old associates your son wouldn't be needed, right?"

"Of course you both need to be there it would be strange if my son and future daughter in law were not. It's a family affair, though I'll save Iris and your parents the annoyance of mingling with capitalists. Iris would need to meditate for days on end if she went and with Christine there it maybe a little uncomfortable for all involved."

"Is that really necessary the party I mean? Can't we just have Jack McKay home without the fanfare?" I was hoping whatever scheme he has got himself involved in he stop, and just come back to the family.

"Sweetheart the fanfare is required if Jack McKay is going to launch himself back into town it needs to be big. You know that high finance is all I have ever wanted, if I'm going back to that life I need to declare I'm open for business." He was now wanting a return to his addiction. He knew between Dylan and me he would be fine unless he had to return to that life. What the fuck had he done? He was out of prison years early, and not on parole and now he was discussing turning back to a career and meeting up with old enemies. Whatever this was it sounded dangerous and not something Dylan needed.

"Jack, Dylan and I aren't together maybe we should sit this party out?"

"What?"

"Well he doesn't see the magic like you did."

"Sweetheart he'll change his mind and see it, but regardless I'd like to spend time with my son and daughter before work picks up and life gets hectic again." From his genuine tone he really wanted us there.

"When are you thinking you'll want this party? Dylan just had one of his teenage moments-" He cut me off, though I could tell he was trying to keep his tone light.

"How bad?"

"He'll need a few day's at least to get himself together."

"Last high school rebel moment hopefully it didn't cause too much noise?"

"No no one is going to talk about it."

"You've asked?"

"Yes you know me-"

"You've got a good mind for business, you should consider Contracts Law at College. How are you though, you sound busy? Is there anyone there helping you?"

"I'm okay Iris had a house emergency out of state so I haven't chatted to her in a while, and you know Dylan and I-"

"You're a unit, even if he is back to being a fucking idiot. He still gets that from me, but we do get smart again."

"Can I, we see you before the party?"

"I'll pick you both up before it, we can travel in the limo together. A private family moment before the shindig and with the driver driving we can concentrate on catching up."

"So when are you thinking?"

"Saturday night. I'm hoping that gives us plenty of time to celebrate my release and maybe then I can join you for your usual big Wednesday night family dinner. Though I'm a sucker for the Grammy's so do you think Jim and Cindy would mind if we watch together?"

"That sounds good, and I'm sure they won't mind. Mum likes looking at the red carpet fashion."

"Great, that will give me time to spend with Jim make sure he's looking after my son's affairs properly."

"I think I'll sit that conversation out."

"Maybe you can put in a good word for me. Being out now I'd like to help my son more, help set him up properly. Make sure he can support you both." He knew I didn't need Dylan's money which means he needs Dylan's money well access to it at least.

"Let's see how the party goes. I'm still mad at you for not calling sooner. A good word might need some more encouragement."

"Contract Law Sweetheart, I'm telling you you would make millions. Oh I better run my friends are calling me to dinner. When you speak to my son can you tell him to keep his chin up, acts of rebellion don't define you unless you want to be defined by them."

"I will."

"Take care Sweetheart, and remember you are a McKay we are survivors."