Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210. None to Let Her Go written by Mike Rosenberg Produced by Mike Rosenberg and Chris Vallejo.

Chapter Seven: Let Her Go

Getting off the phone from Jack I was confused, I could read between the lines of our conversation but I had no idea what he was getting himself mixed up in and how Dylan's money was tide into it. On the beach I believed him when he said he would try and protect us from the dangerous people in his life and I still believed him now, but I wasn't sure how his early release, friends, Christine and the money were all wrapped together. These McKay men were going to give me an ulcer from the stress they caused, both as reckless as the other, both unable to ask for help, to communicate. That wasn't fair Dylan had asked for help this morning and he had confided in his Doctor; he at least was trying to break the McKay men pattern of behaviour. I give up on trying to make sense, to gain back control of this situation.

As I look around my office there is a pile of work to do but before I can start I need to try and clear my head, get Dylan and Jack out of it; there was nothing I could do for them currently. Having left early this morning for the hospital still in my workout clothes I hadn't had a chance to shower so I move upstairs and do that before coming downstairs to make myself a cup of tea before moving back into my office. Hours later I had faxed the label requesting a meeting with the Director Roy Randolph, I wasn't going to need a choreographer with the minimal dance numbers but with the dramatic nature of the songs I knew I needed someone to help make it into a show, a cohesive performance; the video recording's in the studio trying to determine the playlist just weren't right. I then wrote another letter to once again decline the invite to the Grammy's and clarify that David would represent me that night if my nominations were successful. I faxed that one to my label for them to pass onto the Grammy organisers.

That night as I tried to sleep I was restless. I worried for Dylan sleeping in a hospital alone going through withdrawals, dealing with his emotions, and demons, I just wanted to hold his hand. His letter I understood, I understood his need to do this alone I knew he needed to know he was capable of it without me but I still wanted to hold his hand, I always wanted to hold his hand through the good and the bad. Both of his parents believed he'd be back, my parents held out hope, David and Camille had advised that he was just running scared but he'd be back, the guy's wanted him back, it was only Dylan and I who seemed to be the ones who were losing hope. Who thought there was too much pain history, differences there; it was never a question of love there was an abundance of that almost too much, but it seemed like parts of ourselves were keeping us apart.

The next day I meet with Mrs T and give her the broad strokes of Dylan's current situation, not about him falling off the wagon but that he was struggling with so many changes and coming to terms with some personal matters that it was effecting his health. She understood he was in treatment for at least the next few day's and he may need to switch to correspondence if it needed to go longer. She give's me reassurance that he'd still graduate on time with his normal classes as long as he kept submitting the course work. As for his AP English she advised that it was fine for him to miss especially when I looked at the book list and told her he that he had read all of the books some multiple times. His AP chemistry was the harder one but after a quick discussion with his teacher he was granted if needs be permission to miss the next two weeks of class and make up the practicals on his return, any longer and he would be out of the course.

As we were wrapping up our meeting Mrs T finally braved a point I could see she had been confused about from the get go, "Brenda can I ask why you are arranging all this and not his parents?"

"Mrs T you know he is emancipated," she nods. "Iris his mother they are on better terms but she is in Hawaii due to an emergency over there, Jack well Jack is still finding his feet."

"They know though?"

"Jack knows a little." She gives me a look concern I guess that I would be keeping them in the dark, "I'm Dylan's emergency contact, he's given me the authority to speak on his behalf medically if he is unable, and well they both know that Dylan would prefer me managing his affairs in any absence. They understand that since sophomore year I've been Dylan's family and the only one he trusts. Jack and Iris even if they were here would default to me on this, unless I said I couldn't."

"That's a lot of responsibility for you."

"He'd do the same for me, he'd want the same right's if I was in his position." And he would, he would know my parents would do it but that would frustrate him. Like my cancer scare when we had been dating only a few months or me going to the police for the line up, or the Doctor's before it, he'd insist on being involved he would expect to be there and if my parents kept him in the dark he'd be offended. Luckily I never had been sick or injured, and needed my parents to determine treatment, him being left out of that decision, it not being his… well even with us not being together I knew he'd be beyond frustrated close to raging mad by the impotence of not having the final say.

"Now you know I don't listen to student gossip but I thought you had broken up, are you back together then?"

Smiling at her I answer honestly, "I'm starting to realise that that title boyfriend, ex, best friend, family whatever label we give each other it doesn't matter, I'm not sure it will ever matter for us." I look at my birthday watch that I wore daily and stand, "I should get going as I have another meeting to attend. Dylan or I will be in touch about his return to school date, and thank you for arranging these assignments I'll make sure he gets them today."

As I leave the school I think about what I just said to Mrs T, it doesn't matter to me what title I wear for him I'll always want to take care of him, protect him. I'll always want, expect for him to run to me for help and I will always want to run to him the same way. There might be unhealthy aspects of our relationship, we might not be together and may never be again but I can't imagine I'd ever allow someone to take this position I don't think for either of us it's consciously given. As his doctor said, labelled it yesterday it's instinct. As I drive to the hospital to drop off the school work I think about our separations this one since Christmas, the one I forced us to have after I found out about the summer- both of us fall apart become shadows of ourselves when we are fighting our instincts, it slowly kills us.

When he gets out we will have to figure out how to find a better balance, these weeks without him since he decided he couldn't take on this life, I had thrown myself into my work I had focused all my energies on work, school and volunteering, it was my escape- work harder. I needed work to focus on, to fight against my instincts, to stop me from dealing with the loss. Dylan though just sat and dwelled in the loss, I had done that too over New Years. Either way we weren't happy away from the other. When he is released we need to figure out this better even not together we needed to be involved in each other's lives it felt too wrong to be this distant, it required too much energy to keep being this distant from the other.

On Wednesday I speak to Dylan's Doctor, he is doing better and has been speaking to Ben for a couple of hours each day. He doesn't want to stay in the hospital he misses his home, he also finds that there is just too many people in there- still the loner. She has advised him that he can no longer keep disconnecting from his family and friends that in times of stress he needs to utilise his support networks not hide from them. His seventy-two hour hold ends on Thursday morning, Iris is back that evening, he's required to tell his family, his parents and pseudo parents immediately. He also has decided on his own treatment plan which she has agreed to, three AA meetings a week to be moved to daily if the need arises, his doctors appointments he wants three days a week Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. He has also asked for something he's not sure I'd give, he would like one of those appointments to be one where I attend, he advised his doctor that he wants to deal with the history between us whether as family, best friends, ex's, or if we reconcile he thinks that I was right on the porch at Christmas. His Doctor asked what happened on the porch, I simply replied I'd save that story for our first session together.

Wednesday night Walsh family dinner begins with Brandon tentatively asking if I knew Dylan's whereabout's, if he was staying with Jack as he had been away from school again this week. I said no and in trying to move away from Dylan's location knowing it was important that he tells people of his need to seek help I move onto Jack's request. "Actually I spoke with Jack on Monday he'd like to join family dinner next week and he was hoping to watch the Grammy's, I think he has missed the glitter of the high life."

My Dad knowing that I had turned down my invite but the guy's had decided to attend as David's guests rather than appear as Raven's band mates, all except Ray who with the success of our duet was invited himself, responds. "That's a great idea just the Walsh and McKay families for dinner, hopefully it will help Dylan feel comfortable to start coming back more regularly. Your mother and I have missed him around here and it will help him see that nothing has changed between us, that we and you are still the same." I got what my Dad was trying to say, that regardless of if I was Raven our home life our family dynamic was the same.

Bless my Dad he had fought against Dylan in my life so much but now he was hoping that he could help make him see that my job wasn't going to interfere with every aspect of our family life together. I give my Dad's hand a gentle squeeze his support means so much to me, and for Dylan it would mean the world, to know his pseudo father accepted him- hopefully Dad would feel the same after hearing about his recent relapse.

On Tuesday I got a call to go to the receptionist and was then given a pile of paperwork- school assignments. She had left a simple note on top.

Dylan,

Mrs T said as long as you keep up to date by correspondence you can graduate on time. You decide what's best for you and your recovery but know you don't have to feel any pressure about returning back to school.

Sorry this note is brief I'm trying to ensure I don't influence your steps of recovery. I'm sure by now you have realised that I may have done that a little too much previously, I won't say anything more, just that I am thinking of you- but when in the last three years have I not been.

Brenda x

Her note makes me smile, it wasn't a love letter by any means but it reflected such care. My Doctor and I had discussed Bren's involvement in my recovery for a long time yesterday how I had developed an unhealthy belief that only her presence and her stability controlled my ability to stay clean. It led to a longer conversation on what I had been thinking that afternoon in my house when I had determined that I wasn't strong enough for the public life. That rabbit hole had been the conversation that had continued on throughout our sessions today and will be picked up again tomorrow. Her note showed that she understood that she needed to give me space to figure this out but that I wasn't being abandoned like I had been all my life. She trusted me to heal myself, she thought me capable of knowing what was best. Considering how I had practically raised myself it reminded me that even before I had met her I had been trying to manage my sobriety, sometimes I was better at it than others but I had made the conscious choice back then to be clean for myself I could do that again, and she knew it.

By Wednesday I had gone into my last session with what I hoped would be my treatment plan. Unlike when I had increased my sessions after Vegas with the sole motivation to get better for Brenda and our life together, this time I was focusing on getting better for me. I was aware though that Bren was the most significant relationship in my life even a part she was and would always be that, if I was serious about my recovery I needed to deal with parts of our relationship and I couldn't deal with those by myself. One of the steps of recovery was to apologise and acknowledge the hurt your addiction had caused others, there was no one else my addiction had hurt more than Bren. When I told that to my Doctor she had agreed with the treatment plan but advised that I may have to accept that Brenda may not be open to joining one of my sessions each week. I told her that I knew Brenda may choose that but regardless I needed to work through changing patterns of behaviour that Bren had identified between us on her porch at Christmas.

On Thursday morning I was signing the last of my forms signing myself out, and was just about to ask the receptionist to call me a cab when I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and the magnetic pulse run through every nerve in my body. I close my eyes breathe deep before I pass the completed forms to the receptionist before turning around and smiling at my girl.

"I didn't expect you to come and pick me up, thank you for coming."

"Don't thank me it's weird- I'd expect the same from you. Family the type of family we are to each other well no thanks is required for taking care of the other, it's not has never been a choice." She smiles at me and then begins to walk out, "Iris isn't back till this evening. Are you desperate to go home or can I steal you away for a bit?"

Did I want to go home? No I'd spent too many weeks locking myself away there, I had stopped living just trapped there in my mistakes of a life thrown away. "Steal away."

We drive out of Beverly Hills and then begin driving down the coast. The car ride is quiet, not uncomfortable but quiet none the less, "are we going to the beach?"

"There's a beach there."

As we get to the gate entry she smiles at the guard and greets him, she then introduces me to him. Accelerating away from the guard station I point out what I'm already aware of, "you are taking me to your house."

"Yes. Jeff is the main day guard, Mike does the week nights, the other two who mainly handle weekends are Stephen and Tom. Your name has been down on the list since December, show them your id but eventually when they get used to your face they'll just wave you in." We get to what I assume is her gate and she puts the three digit code in, I notice the numbers and raise my eyebrow when she turns to face me. "It's my personal gate code it's a number that no one could guess and only I well now you have it, the visitor code when they aren't just buzzed in by me gets changed monthly or if I decide it needs an immediate reset. I told you it's Fort Knox."

"No one could guess?"

"Well it's not a birthday or anniversary." She begins to drive up the driveway now that the gates are fully open, "and I never told anyone the room number of the Spring Dance. I know you wouldn't either."

I smile it was an important number for us but would be way too random for anyone trying to access the property to figure out. As I look at the house I'm taken with how perfect it looks, "I like your Fort Knox is it really just a friends?"

She doesn't park in the garage but instead just pulls up at the front door, "yes it's owned by the Director of my first two video clips. He was looking to sell it in December but it would have drained my accounts then so he kindly offered to rent it to me for six months with an option to buy." I don't say that if she would have told me in December I'd have purchased it with her, it wouldn't have been an issue then.

As I walk into the foyer I feel like I'm walking into my home, it's the weirdest feeling because nothing in the house is familiar to me and I can't see even anything from Brenda's bedroom at Casa Walsh on display. The main room is full of light and has a panoramic view of the small beach that begins just after her garden and pool. I can feel her eyes observe me as I look around the main room, at her piano and then to the doorway of the sparse shelves of the library, "I need to buy more books to fill the shelves. The rest of the house is decorated, more could be added but I chose everything and then had an interior decorator set it all up in December. This room though-"

I turn to her, "you left it for me." She looks at me it wasn't a question but she nods anyway. This house felt like home because it was designed to be both of ours, she chose everything with me and her in mind. My house I had felt like it was ours and it had made me miss her so much- she had been left to do the same here. "Bren we have to figure this out it's not healthy for either of us to be trapped in shrine's to our past and our future."

She understood what I was saying I wasn't talking about getting back together she knew making that decision now, either way would blow up any progress I had made in the last three day's. "That's why I brought you here." She turns and leaves the room, "upstairs are the bedrooms and downstairs in the basement level is the studio, to the side of the property is the guesthouse. Would you like to see any of that?" I shake my head as she turns around to look at me again.

"Not right now."

"Hungry? Thirsty?" I decline both, "let me show you the beach then. It's private only for the houses that back onto it."

As I walk to the waters edge I realise that this is where my imagination has envisioned me teaching our son to surf, unlike my recent nightmares I realise that the paparazzi though could never access us here. We begin to walk in silence and I'm hit with the fact she chose a house that would ensure we and our kids would be protected as much as she could, she understood my love of privacy. Trying to detract from the emotions that stirs up I comment on the waves, "there is some good surf on the left hand side of the beach."

"Yes I'd probably surf though on the right, they are more at my skill level."

I turn and look, yes the right is where I'd teach our kids, the left is where I'd paddle out to each morning. "It's perfect the house and the beach, it's perfect for us. Will you take the option to buy it?" Maybe she would give it up now, living in a shrine was difficult and if she ever moved on I'm not sure she could ever be comfortable having another man here. I know no other woman, even if it didn't make my skin crawl would ever be allowed in our Beverly Hills home.

"Yes I've already advised the owner that the purchase will go ahead." She's quiet as we walk the next few steps on the wet sand, "I'm realising any place I make my home will feel like yours as well. I'm not going to try and fight that, I decide the other day that fighting my instinct when it comes to you just exhausts me."

"What do you know about beach rips?"

She looks confused by the change in direction but answers with a not much. "They are two different currents coming together, you can tell they are present because there is no wave break- the water looks calmer. It's where most people drown as they think it's gentle water but it has a wicked undercurrent and it's almost impossible to fight against. Swimming side ways out of it may get you to safe water but not always and it takes a lot of energy, trying to swim back into the beach fight against it is almost impossible. The best thing to do is to just let it push you out to sea, the rip will eventually take you back to the currents that are going to push you back to the beach. At Christmas Jack told me not to try and fight against our current's to go along with the rip. I'm guessing he knew by then as well."

"Jack guessed at Christmas from the stories by the fire pit, he also found the card for the watch. It had fallen out of my pocket while you tickled me in the entrance way. It didn't have my stage name just R. Iris said even without the card he probably would have guessed both from my stage name- Brenda in Gaelic means little Raven, and from how some questions I avoided answering directly."

"He knows I'd struggle with this life."

"He blames himself. When you were surfing and Iris was swimming he said your privacy was the only luxury denied to you that being in the spotlight had made people try and use you to get to him, and had seen some of your earlier partying being noted in the media. He knows that all of it was the result of him and his notoriety."

"At least he is aware and acknowledges something's."

"I spoke to him on Monday. He's something else we need to discuss-"

"First though we need to figure out how we stop exhausting ourselves or like me drowning in our rip." When we get to the end of the beach I indicate for us to sit on the rocks she nods and sits down, I follow suit.

"We are family, we agree and know that. We love each other, we… there is no question on that. As for being together well I'm realising neither of us are in a position to determine that. I won't bring you into this crazy, well the crazy my life will become just because I selfishly want you by my side. I won't risk your health for that."

"And I won't let you give up your dream, keep putting my needs above your own. If I agreed and came into that life with you now I don't know if I'd cope I don't know if I'll ever be able to cope with it. You though would adjust that life to make it gentle for me, to try and protect me. You'd stop writing your songs honestly. I don't want that, I don't want to ever hold you back again."

"Hiding it-"

"Is not an option. Fort Knox is amazing but I'd like to be able to hold your hand passed the gates. I'd like to sleep every night next to you, I'd want you to be legally my wife and for there to be no doubt who either of us belong to."

"So it's all or nothing and neither of us are convinced it would work if we chose all."

I gently knock her shoulder trying to lighten the moment, "think of the songs that you'd write though through that roller coaster?" She shakes her head in mock amusement, "the nothing though it can't be the last few weeks."

"I'm sorry for not giving you my numbers, for not giving you the address- that day I needed to get out of there quickly. It wasn't my intent to cut you off."

"I cut myself off. Too prideful to ask for your details, too trapped in my own misery to speak to our friends and family. I need to stop doing that."

"Dylan I'm well aware that I've played too much of an active role in managing your recovery-"

"That's not your fault, I don't think you realise how nice it feels to me to be taken care of. That stopped after my parents divorced and you doing it- I surrendered myself to the feeling of it. I know that this time I can't surrender, I can't default to your care. If I'm ever going to get better for myself then I need to be responsible for it myself."

"That means you have to figure out what that nothing looks like-"

"No. Either I've been in control or you've been in control, we were at our best in junior year when we found our balance between the two. Whether as family, best friends or if our nothing eventually turns into everything again, either way no more unevenness. We have our first session on Monday together maybe that can be our focus?"

"And until then?"

"We put ourselves first and we accept that. I'm going to ask you to join me for dinner at your parents tonight with Iris so I can tell them about this recent relapse. I'm going to trust and understand that whatever choice you make is best for you and not what you think is best for me." She nods, "so Bren want to come to dinner at your parents tonight?"

"Yes."

I give her an amused look, "that's all I get?"

"Yep. Trust that my reasoning is my own." I laugh at her response, not knowing her thinking I couldn't second guess her reasoning I just had to accept. It was difficult.

We eventually move back to the house where I take myself on a tour while she makes us lunch. The study was well organised, the den looked comfy, her studio was amazing and large, and the guesthouse was secluded enough to not infringe on the main houses privacy but was connected enough that the guests would still be involved. When I went upstairs and explored the bedrooms I quickly figured out which room would be the perfect nursery, I left the main bedroom for last. Walking into the room I catch my breath it's perfect, the bed face's the balcony with a view of the Pacific Ocean, I dare not touch the bed and risk caving to the desire I have to share it as our's- like she intended it to be. The bathroom is large with the tub having a view of the ocean, it would comfortably fit both of us. We wouldn't be squashed like we were in the one at our house in Beverly Hills, and it was even bigger than the one we shared in Vegas. The shower was a duel shower, I move quickly out of the room when I think of the daily fun we could have in there.

The dressing room makes me realise how little she has changed, she could afford to fill it with designer everything instead she has it full of her old Levi jeans and summer dresses, even her good dresses besides two or three are the same ones she had before she started to make money. I smile when I see in one rack the Spring Dance dress, the Christmas Dance dress and her white shirt she wore on our first date. As I look through the rack I smile at the other pieces. She'd never wear these items again, they weren't in style but she would keep them because they were our history. She was still my Bren.

Over lunch she told me about her conversation with Jack on the beach and then about her phone call. She told me she trusted him, I told her my experience with him left me less convinced. The access to the Trust was an issue it would need my mother's signature to break and I couldn't see that as a possibility even if I was convinced. We agreed to attend his Saturday night party together, I may not want her there and risk her safety but we had decided to make our own decisions and put ourselves first- I wouldn't disrespect her by questioning her choice. With Jack wanting us both there as his family to show off we did decide that the status of us would be not discussed at the party, if we were going into a room with potentially dangerous people we were giving nothing away.

Bren dropped me home that afternoon before going to her parents to help her Mum make dinner for all of us. I went and picked my mother up knowing that after listening to my full answering machine she was angry about my lack of communication. Two minutes in our Beverly Hills home it was also evident Bren had been there, it wasn't a surprise when I found she had removed her jumper and pyjamas.

Over dinner I admitted to it all, Bren said nothing as she sat across from me. Unlike when I opened up about my sleeping issues and night terrors this time she didn't hold my hand. This was all on me. Iris was angry that I didn't open up, Cindy and Jim both felt that they should have come over, not given me so much space. I told all of them that it was all on me, it was my fault. I needed to hit bottom and I needed to learn to climb out of bottom myself, learn to make my sobriety stick on my own. Until I did that I couldn't move forward with my life, at that Bren looked up from her plate and caught my eye. When I owned my sobriety she knew I'd make my final choice regarding our life, and I knew if I choose all with her then she would make her choice.

She wouldn't let me back in even if I wanted her to unless she felt I could handle it, unless she felt we would be balanced and stop hurting each other. Unless she wanted me back.

Our honest day together, of seeing how she set up her home for us, discussing how our connection feels to the both of us, even in the other's absence how it effects the both of us. How she came to my aid last November, how she let me in after Thanksgiving, when I think back to the start of our senior year it all makes me aware that I now know her better after letting her go then I did when we were together.