Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Nine: Affording to be kind
When Bren's breathing evens out I take advantage and kiss her forehead before bringing her closer into me. Toni whose on the chair next to our couch gives me an understanding smile. "I can see why your Dad see's her as his daughter-in-law. Will you ask her officially soon?"
It takes me a few seconds to realise that I can't misdirect her question she'll find out tomorrow that we aren't together. "Bren and I aren't actually together at the moment." Before she can ask the multiple questions running across her face I clarify. "I'm going through a difficult time and have been for well nearly a year. I almost lost her eleven months ago in a hold up at The Pit. It became apparent to me then that she is not someone I can live without, I need her to be safe, happy, and very much alive." I look down at my girl and move a piece of hair behind her ear, "if she had been taken from me that night I wouldn't be too far behind. If my reckless lack of caring about life wouldn't do it then it would be from a broken heart."
"You must love her-"
"With every part of me. Though at times I've made people question it, her included. She's my world though and the thought of losing her had me spiral. We aren't in a place to get back together, I'm not in a place to do it and for it to be healthy for either of us."
"But you will?"
"I'm not sure. If I can work through my issues and know I can healthily survive the life she is destined to live then I'll ask for another chance but at that point it's up to her. She may not believe me-"
"Would you fight her on that, convince her?"
"No. I know her better than she knows herself and she knows me the same. If she say's no it's because she is seeing things from a different lens one that foreshadows a challenge that I may struggle to face."
"What will happen then to you two?"
"We stay like this."
"But you guy's are so together?"
"Yeah her being my family, my best friend, the love of my life doesn't change… I may have to learn to accept someone else being her romantic partner but if it makes her happy, if they can make her happy then I would want that."
"You'd be miserable."
"I'd die without her though, and I love her enough to not stop her destiny or risk destroying it, that would destroy her and I anyway."
Just then Jack walks out and as he approaches he see's Bren is sleeping. He bends down beside us and moves a strand of hair behind her ear, "she's had a busy week." He then looks at me, "you both are more than welcome to stay but I'm sure she'd be more comfortable in your guy's bed. The limo can drop you back at your place." His inference and eyes were clear, he didn't want her going to her place in the limo. He had already warned me of the driver and car being a friends, I'd been around this shadowy world enough growing up Jack didn't have friends. The car was not a safe place for conversation but was it safe for her?
"That's cars not necessary Dad we can catch a cab."
"Dylan please I'd feel more comfortable with you not getting into a cab, especially with our Celtic bird so tired. Take the car." Okay it was safe, and it was safe for Bren. I nod. "Good I'll go call it to come around the front of the hotel. I'll see you both for our big family dinner right?"
"Yeah Bren's parents are looking forward to it. Will you bring Christine?"
"No she understands your Mum will be there, and well I think that might be a bit uncomfortable for-"
"You?"
He rolls his eye's at my accurate but smart ass comment, "yes wise guy." He then stands up and looks at Toni, "I think your Dad is getting ready to leave. Let me walk you to him." He hold's out his arm like he is a gentleman from the turn of the century.
She stands up, "thank you Mr McKay." Then looks at me, "I'll see you at seven on the beach?" My Dad gives me nervous eyes behind her.
"Yeah."
"Great. Tell Brenda goodnight for me and that I look forward seeing her at breakfast tomorrow." My Dad's nervousness dulls some- did he seriously think I'd be taken in by a nice girl with a pretty face?
Yeah maybe if there was no Bren I guess Toni would be nice to get to know, but I'm completely spoken for, and anyway a nice girl would be good for a romance but Bren had taught me I needed nice with a spine of steal and a stubbornness that motivated me to be more, to be my best. I could already tell, Toni had shadow's of that but she'd be more likely to run escape a showdown where my Bren was a warrior that would face it head on. If I came to Toni and wanted a second chance even if it was destructive to both of us she'd give it, my girl my would be wife lying on me would be strong enough to say no. She'd want what is best for me, for my health, she loved me enough to not destroy me. I loved her enough to do the same for her.
When I carried her up my front steps she stirred for the second time, the first being when I had lifted her off the outside lounge. She had come awake enough then to say goodnight to Christine and Jack, and walk to the limo. As she stirred awake this time she looks up at me from her resting place on my chest, and then looks around.
"Dylan have you got a third arm I don't know about as there is no way you'll be able to open the door holding me?"
"Oh no Baby you know of my third arm, you've-"
She's bright red when she places her hand over my mouth, "that's my sleepy brain not thinking through my sassy comment. Can we please keep this between us? The guy's will tease me horribly for walking into such an easy innuendo, especially David."
I'm laughing behind her hand but I nod my head. She's give's me a grateful smile and then moves her hand, she then pulls out her keys from her bag and I walk us to the door where she finally uses her key to let herself into our home. "You planning on putting me down anytime soon?"
"Yes on our bed where your tired ass will sleep the rest of the night." She gives me an uncertain and sad look, "relax I'll take the sofa bed. I'm far enough along in my recovery that I don't need to sleep next to you each night but it doesn't mean I don't desperately want to."
As I put her down on the bed she looks up at me, "I can drive home."
"You are home." I turn to my draw and grab her a T-shirt, "well one of them anyway." As I turn back to face her I bend down so we almost at the same level. "Family for life remember?"
"I remember. You've been rubbing my pinky finger enough tonight that I wouldn't be surprised if it's written on my skin." I pick up her finger and examine it.
"Nope still the same tiny finger on a tiny person." She growls a little, I smile and pass her the t-shirt. "Come on it's too late for you to drive home to Malibu tonight. I'm leaving early for a surf with the guy's and Toni. Do you want me to let you sleep in?"
"No I need to work I'll head back to my place when you get up, try and get a few hours of work in before I meet you all for breakfast at ten."
"Okay. You know where you put the spares of everything, I haven't moved anything. Night." I stand and grab a pair of sleep pants and a singlet before leaving our room.
In the morning I wake her, not how I would have liked to with my lips but I wake her by gently stroking her hair, pushing it out of her face while calling her name. She opens her eyes immediately and smiles at me. God I wish I could still see those eyes every morning.
After getting through my phone call to England and some of my paperwork I quickly go and get dressed needing to leave for breakfast within minutes, thank god I'd showered when I got home. As I pull up I notice Ray's truck and Dylan's Porsche, unsurprisingly as it was after ten. Walking into The Pit I see the four of them sitting with drinks, Dylan looks up straight away and smiles at me.
"Yeah I'm sorry I'm late I lost track of time working."
"It's okay we arrived a little early the waves got too full. I hope you don't mind I ordered you your favourite?"
I give him a look, "which favourite?"
"The favourite needed after a night of finger food, knowing you'll be hungry."
I smile and sit, "great pancakes and bacon with a side of fruit."
Paul snorts into his coffee and Ray smiles and shakes his head but it's Toni who voice's what they aren't saying, "you guy's share a brain or something-"
"Or something." I look up at my brother who is putting a coffee down in front of me, "morning sister dear. Do you want orange juice as well?"
"No I had some at home this morning." All four of them laugh again, I look at Dylan.
"I'd said you would have had some already to tie you over for breakfast."
I look at all three brother's, "okay you know we are like this it can't still be funny to you."
"Torchy it's always going to be funny."
"Torchy?" At Toni's question I finally take note at how close to Paul she is sitting, he gives her a sweet smile- oh fuck. I look at Dylan who is biting his lip trying to not smile at me, clearly this has been going on for some of the morning already.
"Yeah Brenda's nickname-"
"That and any name that reference her being short." I give Ray a scowl.
"Toni don't listen to these idiots… well the Ray idiot my nicknames are never about my height-"
All three snort in laughter into either their coffee or their hand, my twin pats my shoulder.
"I'd never reference your height twin."
"Thank you." He smiles and then walks away to go back to work.
Dylan looks at me, "you guy's seem better… well you are talking at least."
"Yeah we are doing okay." Toni looks at me with a curious expression unsure if she should ask, "my twin and I… Dylan told you we broke up. Brandon was pro us getting back together than anti us getting back together-"
"What's he know?"
Dylan and I look at each other and when he raises his eyebrow I shrug my shoulders, I turn to answer Ray. "We have no idea but we don't care. That's a Dylan and I decision."
"Speaking of decisions?" I look at Paul as I turn to answer his unfinished question.
"He seemed nice a little flirty on the phone but nice. He's coming out next Sunday."
"Flirty?"
"Dyl it might have just been his English accent."
He breathes heavy through his nose, "flirty with an accent sounds like the French guy."
"The French guy?" He lifts his eyebrow, "oh he wasn't French he was from Wisconsin," I chuckle a little Dylan squints his eyes not knowing what was so funny. "I'm the one with the accent. I pretended to be French." Dylan still wasn't finding the humour but he shook his head at my antics.
"Torchy what the hell are you two talking about?" As Brandon arrives with our meals I fill them in on my summer fling, Toni had no idea what to do whether to laugh like Ray and Paul at my accent or snort like Dylan with a sly you're a good actress baby but he's an idiot for believing that.
Finally Ray takes pity on Toni, "it's okay at the time idiot for brains McKay here was self sabotaging by having a fling with Brenda's best friend, well ex best friend now."
Her eyes go large, Dylan goes still. I address Toni, "it's why we broke up. It's fine though, we'll it's as fine as it can be. I get his actions and when he moves past his jealous moment that he is currently trapped in he gets mine." I reach out and cover his hand, he instantly threads our fingers together, "Dylan and I are complicated but he's my best friend which means we know everything, the good the bad, the ugly, it may not sit well at times but we accept it all." I look at him, "don't we?"
"I hate Wisconsin." I give him an understanding smile at his petulant tone. Dylan's cheating happened when he was sick mine was because of my desire to have one more escape. Neither were okay but mine was done in sound mind his wasn't.
"Noted. I'll never travel there."
"Promise?" I rub my pinky next to his, he lifts our joint hand and then kisses it. "Thank you."
"You both are the most strangest ex's I know." At that Dylan, Paul, Ray and I crack up.
On Monday Paul fills the guy's and I in on Toni, well how they exchanged numbers and had spoken for an hour the night before. Iris on hearing the conversation and surname gave me a look. Her worried expression solidified that I'll have to speak to Jack about this. I didn't want Paul to be going into a dangerous situation blind, I didn't want him going into a dangerous situation at all.
Even with Iris back Jackie still came to help out and I could tell throughout the day she was hesitant about something, she kept looking like she wanted to ask me something. After half a morning of strange glances I finally went up to her. "Jackie is everything okay?"
"Yeah," I give her a look, "no. Has your mum told you that Kelly found out Mel has been having an affair?" I nod my head sadly. Kelly had found out two weeks prior. "We are separating and well Kelly is struggling with it."
"Has she reached out to Donna, she went through a similar situation last year?"
"I think being on this side of it… she is struggling with the role she played in your and Dylan's relationship. Look I know this may be asking a lot but I know she wants to reach out to you, I realise you don't live with your parents and I've got the number because of this program but I'm wondering if I can give it to her?"
"Um. Can I think about it?"
"Sure."
For the rest of the day it's running through my head so much that when Sam the Hulk finishes his first page he asks me about it, "Ms Jen what's wrong you seem sad?"
I look at the kid that reminds me so much of what I imagine a young Dylan was like, "I'm not sad I'm just thinking. Someone asked me to do a favour to someone who hurt me very badly and well I'm trying to figure out if I can."
The little guy scrunches up his whole face in thought, he finally looks at me with a wise face like he knows the answer. "Mrs William's say's kindness is a gift we can all afford. Maybe if she's sorry for hurting you you could be kind?"
I smile and nod my head, "Hulk you are very wise. Shall we keep reading your comic book?"
Before Jackie leaves for the day I give her my permission to give Kelly my number. If she's brave enough to call then I'll be brave enough to hear her out.
As I wait for our first afternoon appointment with Dylan I tell him of Jackie's request.
"What do you think?"
"Bren on this I don't think I have the right to have a say."
"I'm inviting you to have a say."
He gives me a look, "it's not just the cheating it's everything after that. She has shown no consideration for your feelings at all. I get that she's going through a rough time but you have been for six months. She hasn't once reached out to help or offer support to you, she's actually made it worse. I'm just not sure if it's your responsibility to ease her conscience."
I'm quiet for a bit, "Sam, you remember the kid you hung out with at the Christmas drive?" He nods, "he told me today that he's been taught that 'kindness is a gift we can all afford'. I'm in a better place now, I've made a life a great life with an amazing family outside of the gang, you and I both have. I think if I don't answer her call I'm living in a past that you and I have put behind us. I can afford to be kind and hear her out. I don't have to be her best friend or even her friend again but I can afford to listen to what she has to say." He reaches out and squeezes my hand, "we've moved past it. Holding onto it, continuing to be angry at her seems like it would just be unhealthy for me in the long run. Hate, well it requires a lot of emotion a lot of energy. It kind of seems like wasted energy, I'd much rather invest those emotions into a positive place that is going to make me happy."
He squeezes my hand, "you're amazing but don't give too much of yourself away. Don't be so kind that you become uncomfortable, it's not your job to make her life better."
"I know."