God it was hard.

Very hard.

She was distracted, Addison knew that. She kept blanking at simple decisions, mixing up simple terms and she could tell she was giving off the wrong impression to her patients. The interns didn't know any better, didn't realise she wasn't just testing them, didn't pick up on the subtle notes of stress in her voice.

Derek would've.

She shook her head. No, Addie. Not him, don't think about him.

But it didn't help that she didn't know what to think, couldn't fully remember what had happened that night other than she'd been talking to someone and then woken up tossed against the alley wall. And it didn't help that she didn't know what she'd been drugged with, hadn't even gotten as far as a blood test yet because she was just too damn busy. She felt sick, sick to her stomach, but that could've just as easily been from hunger or anxiety as any form of drug.

'Addie?'

She jumped, dropping the tablet with a scan she was looking at.

'Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.'

It was Mark. Only Mark.

'No, it's fine. I'm just in my own little world,' she laughed.

'You seem jumpy, Addie. Anyway, Callie mentioned losing you last night at the club, so I just wanted to check you were ok.'

'Yes, Mark, I'm fine. Thank you.'

He didn't look convinced. Addison wasn't sure who she was trying to lie to more, him or herself. She nodded, but he must have caught the shift in her eyes.

'You sure?'

'Yes, Mark!' Addison snapped, 'Don't you have some nurse to chat up?'

He took the hint and left, leaving her to it. He'd known Addison for years; she'd come to him when she was ready.

Addison sighed, watching him walk away and scolding herself for being so cold. Bitch. That's why Derek walked away from you too. 'Cause you're a bitch, Addison. A stone cold bitch.

'Dr Montgomery? It's Dr Shepherd. He needs you for a consult.'

Addie glowered at the nurse for breaking her out of her reverie.

'I'm about to go on my break, can't it wait?' Total lie, but she needed to get those bloods sent off.

'Um, I'm not sure. Dr Grey said it was an important case. They're in the ER.'

Perfect.

Addison rolled her eyes. 'Fine. I'll be there in five minutes.'

The nurse looked worried. 'But…'

'Look. Is that patient going to die in the next 300 seconds? No? I didn't think so. I said I'll be there in five minutes, so I'll be there in five minutes!' she screamed at the poor woman, who looked as though she was about to cry and backed off slowly.

Great, now she'd pissed off one of the nurses, which meant she'd pissed off all of the nurses.

Pushing the confrontation to the back of her mind, Addison grabbed a needle and small plastic bag and locked herself in an on-call room, finally getting around to running her labs. Her hand shook with the effort of keeping it straight to ensure she did it right, not really wanting to poke and prod herself any more than was necessary. It was almost impossible to draw the blood single handedly, but it was the best she could do.

On her way to the lab, Addison stuck her head in two charts and ducked behind three patients to avoid her friends. Callie seemed to be everywhere that day, and she saw Richard and Mark again too. She didn't want to avoid them, quite the opposite. She wanted them, needed them. She needed Callie to give her a hug and Arizona to tell her it was going to be ok. She needed Mark to threaten to beat the guy up and Richard would give her the time off she needed to pull herself together. But she couldn't go to them, because she couldn't let them know. She just couldn't.


'There you are! The great Addison Forbes-Montgomery finally graces us with her presence.'

'Derek, please,' Addison sighed.

'No, no, will a bow suffice, or do we need to roll out a red carpet?' He carried on his teasing, oblivious to its effect on Addison, who was too tired to fight with him. The sarcastic tone drilled through her, like it always had done when the pair was married.

'What do you need, Derek?' Addie turned around to face him, closing her eyes and sighing exasperatedly.

He looked at Meredith who was almost crying with laughter at her oh-so-funny McDreamy.

McBitch, she thought, he was your McDreamy first.

The thought satisfied her long enough to listen to the intern present the patient, Holly Adams, a 20-year-old suspected sexual assault victim. Her world went silent, the trauma room spinning around and around her whole she stood in the middle, images of creepy men smiling eerily at her, touching her, kissing her. Her stomach danced somersaults, threatening to empty its contents, though there was nothing to empty. Addison ran her hands through her hair, pulling gently to ground herself and completely forgetting about the gash it was covering.

'Dr Montgomery?' His voice sounded far away.

'Addison?'

'Addie?'

She blinked, relaxing her arms and looking back at Derek, shocked to shocked to see a look of concern on his face and his eyes fixated on her head.

'Sorry. So she's unconscious? Well, I can't do much until she's awake. I can see her, but she has to consent to a….' she trailed off, almost afraid of the word.

'Rape exam,' Meredith finished.

God, why was it all so easy for her?

Addison agreed, pretending not to feel Derek's eyes burning a whole in the back of her head.