Chapter 2

Clarke sat there. She knew that Echo's confession was going to go over well with no one. She knew that Octavia and Lexa were going to have the most adverse reaction, and she was right. But, Echo didn't move. Clarke reached out for her drink and took another sip. As she put the cup down on the table in front of her, she looked across the table again. She met Indra's eyes. It was the easiest place to look.

"I know how strength is a big thing for all of the clans of the Kongeda. I know that strength comes in different versions. I've seen it in the eyes of the elderly as they face their own mortality. I've seen in the bodies of the ill as they fight to continue to survive no matter the odds. I've seen it in wounded warriors that keep pushing forward to secure their goal for the clan, nation, and people. Willing to die so others might live, but I've also seen in children. Orphans who stand up to other children and protect the less fortunate. To the Natblida, who know nothing but the world that their Heda en Fleimkepa tell them about. I've seen in the women as they give birth. I've seen in the lame and different," Clarke told them as her eyes flicked over to Emori and held, "As they just navigate life and survive. But, strength is all relative to each person. It is all a matter of perception and what you are taught, what you learn through life, what is expected of you in society.

"I felt all of that. I knew that I was strong, but that didn't mean that had to always be strong. I could ask for help, but I couldn't at the same time. At some point, I think it was in life thirteen, I realized that I could tell a few of you the truth. You would help me, but it didn't matter in the end. Nothing really changed for me. I would still die and wake up back on the Ark in solitary.

"So, I started to let you all know what was going on, but I never found out that I could have someone be like me. I didn't know that if you bore my tainted blood, you would share in my fate. I didn't know because I never tried it. I couldn't. I didn't want to sentence anyone else to this insanity. And, it is insanity. Trust me. I've done some strange things in the process of my many lives."

Clarke reached over with her left hand and picked up the cup. She held it aloft like she was about to take another drink, but she turned to look at Lexa. A smile, strange and quirky, came across her face. She took a small sip, but she didn't put the cup down. Holding Lexa's eyes, she silently laughed.

"So, insane have I gone, that I walked into Heda's tent with a hidden knife and killed her myself. I did it in front of the clans and Indra spared no time in killing me. I was actually surprised that I wasn't strung up on a tree and suffering a thousand cuts. But, it seemed that my quick action and the need for Skaijus didn't allow for the thought of punishing me in front of the entire Kongeda. To be honest, I was thankful for Indra's fast sword. It was one of my more painless deaths," Clarke told them like it didn't matter. "But, I realized that I needed to learn more about the clans. I needed to know more so that I get more people on my side and to help convince Heda of what we needed to do in order to save all of Man."

She twirled the cup in her left hand as her right hand fell below the table and to Echo's leg. It was a silent measure of support and comfort. At that point, Clarke wasn't sure who it was for more, her or Echo. Instead of continuing, Clarke emptied the cup and set it down forcefully. She knew that most of the Grounders wouldn't understand the gesture, but she knew that Raven and Octavia would. Raven made the first move to refill the cup as she reached for the bottle and her own. Clarke didn't stop her. When Raven finished filling her cup, she filled Clarke's and then another empty one. Raven pushed the extra to Octavia, realizing that they were going to need the "liquid courage" to hear the rest of Clarke's tale. All three of them took a sip after bumping cups. There were no words said between them, but they all drank and set their cups down hard.

"In this lifetime, however, I decided to do things differently. I told Lexa of Nia's betrayal while we were at the Mountain. I told her to take the deal, because I stupidly thought that I had a plan to save those I knew were the most innocent inside. But, Emerson, Dante and Cage never let me do anything more than getting Raven into the control room so I could pull the level and kill them all. I knew how they would burn from the air once the fans were reversed. I knew how the mothers would try to save their children and protect, but you can't when it is the air that is killing you. Three hundred fifty-six dead, again, because one man and one girl couldn't come to an agreement. I didn't see my killing them as strength. I saw myself as evil. It wasn't completely necessary, but it solved the issue of the Mountain. Like other times, I couldn't face myself or those that I saved, even the Grounders that were being used for the blood.

"I followed those of Skaikru back to Arcadia. We had an agreement with Heda. We hadn't securred our plan in the Kongeda, but I knew that Kane would make it happen. I watched as everyone entered the gate, but I couldn't go in. My head and my heart weren't in it. Raven and Octavia waited for me, but I begged them to watch over everyone. I wasn't going to take three months like I had in my first life or others later, but I knew that I needed time.

"Lexa had invited me, like other times, to come to Polis. I thought that I could go there, or somewhere in Trikru and just emerse myself into the clan, forget what I had done, and just survive through the rest of that life. I was wrong. I started towards Tondisi. I knew that it was on the way. I figured that if I could help rebuild it, I could atone for some of the lives that were lost. But, the word had already spread like a wild fire. Wanheda. Wanheda. I heard the chants as I entered outskirts of the farms not inside the protect main village of Tondisi. I knew then, that I wouldn't find the respite that I so desparately needed. I just needed a few days, a week, maybe a few to come to grips with the fact that I had committed genocide...again.

"Indra actually found me in the forest. I must have been delusional and talking to myself because of the trauma of the Mountain. She seemed to take it all in stride though. Never once did she try to hurt me, but she kept me from hurting myself. She also didn't take me back to Tondisi. I think she knew that I didn't want anyone to see me like that, or it could have been that she didn't want anyone trying to kill me for the power of Wanheda in my state. It was probably more of the latter, but that doesn't matter. Instead, she went back to the village after taking me to a small cave away from the village and the Mountain. I stayed there for a few days before she came back with some supplies. She gave a bag with some food, a dagger, some twine, some furs, and water skin. It was enough for me to survive on for a few more days before I would have to start actually hunting and foraging for myself," Clarke told them.

She reached for her cup again. Her eyes were glossing over as she spoke, but she wasn't drunk. She was getting lost in the memories.

She knew that they were all watching her, transfixed on what she was saying. No one wanted to interrupt her, but she knew that they all had questions. For now, they would let her continue. The questions would come later, and she would answer them as best as she could.

"Indra came back once again about a week later with more supplies. This time, she brought me a bow. She spoke of how Octavia and Kane were heading to Polis to iron out the agreements between the Kongeda en Skaikru. Trikru already had a working alliance with them, so Indra was sending Lincoln with them and notes to other allied clans, like Floukru en Louwada Kliron. I agreed to head towards Polis, but I knew that wasn't where I was going to go. She gave the directions, the supplies, and wished me luck. I don't know if she had me followed or not, but if there were scouts on me, they never intervened on my behalf.

"I knew that had to move away from Polis and Tondisi. I had to find somewhere that I wasn't known. Unfortunately, I have light blond hair. I knew that this would make me stand out in the more southern clans. Hair my color is really only prominent in Azgeda and only very far in the North. I had to find a way to blend in. I had to make myself look more like I belong to one of the clans rather than to Skaikru.

"Octavia made it look easy. She took to the Ground like a duck to water, but I was having a harder time. I didn't have the luxury however of time. I needed to survive and to do that I had to blend in. When I was a few days away from where I thought I would find the most peace," Clarke paused and smiled as she met the eyes of Luna. "In Floukru, I found a small outpost. Well, found is the wrong word. I knew it was there. I had been there many time in my other lives, before and since."

"Niylah's?" Raven and Octavia both asked.

"Sha, it was. I knew that I could find what I needed there. She is the one that taught me about the berries to dye my hair red. It would be enough that I could travel a little more easily, but it wouldn't be enough to disguise me completely. My skin was still too pale, especially after all the days in the Mountain with no sun. I knew that red wouldn't work. Roan had seen through it every time that Lexa sent him to find me, to protect me, to try to convince me to come to Polis, but I was either too far gone in my head or angry at the betrayal of Lexa leaving us at the Mountain."

Clarke shook her head. She didn't want to go down that rabbit hole. She knew that it wasn't fair for her to be upset with any of them for things that they had done in previous incarnations, but it was hard for her to forget. It didn't mean that she didn't understand. She did, but her life was complicated enough now. Remembering everything just made things a little more complicated sometimes. She would run the scenarios thousands of times in her head, using her memories, before she would ever agree to anything.

"I found some clothes," Clarke started again and then gave a self-depreciating laugh. After taking a small sip of the hooch in her cup, she smiled before starting up again, "Take that as I stole some clothes."

Emori and Murphy laughed. They might be the only ones that understood why Clarke found humor in it. They were after all survivors, too, but they were also thieves, among other things. They knew more than the rest what it meant to survive without a village or clan behind you.

"It was getting a little colder, too. We weren't prepared for winter. Hell, we didn't even know what winter was. I found out...the hard way, but I knew that I needed clothes. And for whatever reason, Niylah didn't seem bothered that I stole them from her. I'm sure that she would tell you that she gave them to me or I traded her for them, but I hadn't nothing to offer but a few nuts and berries. Those weren't worth the clothing that I took. I also found some boot polish or something like it. I used it to darken my hair. It wasn't exactly black, but it gave it a more accepted dark brown hue that let me move a little more undetected. I found a small cave system in the hills of the mountains there. I had a crude map that I'd drawn that just looked like lines and trees, a child's drawing, really, but to those that knew what each of the things represented, it was a map.

"I guess I never realized how close to the Azgeda/Trikru border Niylah's trading post was. It was never an issue before, but I guess that it should have been. I never really put that much thought into until later.

"I digress. So, I left the trading post and started northeast towards the coast. I remembered the evergreen sprig that signaled for the boat. I knew where to go, but I still hadn't mastered the clan borders. I started that way, new clothes and dark hair. I hoped that Luna would be able to bring me peace. It was honestly, I think the first time that I turned away from Trikru to find myself, to center myself, to learn more about the clans. I had no doubts by this time that I would die and wake up back on the Ark, but I realized that I was learning more in each life. I realized that I needed to find a way to have each clan take me in and teach me their ways, their history, their myths and legends. I could use it as reconnaissance and then use it against them to save them all. I would know what buttons to push, who to talk to, who would back me, and what to tell the people in order to get their help. It was going to be along road, but I knew that I could handle it. I had to. It wasn't like I really had a choice in the matter. I knew that Luna could help me in ways that others couldn't.

"She'd found peace in the water. She'd run from the conclave. She'd made peace with everything that she'd done, but still she found a way to welcome others that were like her. She was a refuge among everyone, and while I knew that she didn't know me in that life and I wasn't trying to force her to take the Flame, that we would have a lot to talk about. I knew that the moment she laid eyes on me, she wouldn't pity me. She would just help me. She would guide me, teach me, and help me heal. I would be able to live out the next few months with her until the radiation started across the seas for us all. It was selfish, but I knew that I would learn a lot and I could use it on the next life," Clark told them and reached for the cup again.

"Did you ever make it to the markers and the signal point?" Luna asked her, curiously, as she ignored the rest of the information that Clarke had said.

"No, I didn't. I got close, but I either got turned around in the forests or I didn't realize that I'd missed a marker or something along the trails. I was too far north. It was still cold, but there was no snow on the ground. Because there was no snow, I mistakingly thought that I wasn't in Azgeda. I was wrong. I didn't really know where I was at that point. I just knew that I was very far from home.

"I think I did a mental calculation and realized that it had been roughly three weeks since I'd left Arcadia. I think it had been a week or more since I'd left the cave that Indra had shown me. Looking back, I should have realized that I had traversed more land than I thought. I wasn't as surefooted and knowledgeable about the forests and land. I needed Octavia for that, but I'd left her in Arcadia. I was alone and in a strange world. It was my own doing. I'd asked for it. I ran away and into it. I had no one to blame at that point but myself. So, I did.

"The darkness was starting to creep in again. I hated what I had done. I had become a monster in the never-ending quest to save my people, to save Skaikru, to save those that I loved. But, it still was never enough. There was always something just on the horizon coming for us. I needed to make the clans see that we all needed to work together to save the most that we could, but Skaikru... well, not all of them, still felt entitled to just take and take without asking or repayment. I couldn't save them when they wouldn't save themselves. I let my depression begin to win the battle for my mind. I didn't see the need in fighting too hard anymore. I knew that no matter what happened I would die and be reborn, to try it all again. I could have just ended it there. I thought about it many times. I'm not proud of that, but I did. I've tried several times, but I couldn't do it. I was like my will to survive would override the pain and make me find something to continue to carry on for. No matter how small it was. Sometimes it was just the fact that I found a creek with clean water. A few sips and a quick bath could right my world again.

"And, just like that, I was back on my feet wandering the wilderness. Except I didn't know that I wasn't alone at this point. My trail had been found shortly after I crossed the border. The bounty had already been set. I was the most sought after thing in the Kongeda, and I didn't even know it. I should have. I knew that Nia put a bounty on my head. Lexa had sent Roan so many times to find me first, but this time it wasn't Roan that was stalking me. It was Echo."

"Why?" Octavia asked Echo directly.

"I'd tried to go back to Troi and back into the employ of Nia, but I'd failed my mission. I had to prove myself to her again. After being in the Mountain for I don't know how long, I'd failed her. I was lucky to be alive. I knew that Clarke had saved us all with Lexa's help. The Mountain had fallen. I took my account to Nia and that was the only reason that I was spared. She wanted Clarke. She wanted this girl that others were starting to call Wanheda. She wanted to see her for herself. She wanted to offer Clarke a place as long she would agree to her quest to end Lexa, so that she could put Ontario on the Heda throne."

"So, you went after Clarke?" Lexa questioned.

"It was the easiest assignment I'd ever been given. I didn't have scars, but I did bear a tattoo. It was to make it easier for me to pass through all clans, and it worked. I knew that Clarke hadn't stayed with her people. I was a week or so behind her until she crossed the border. It was then that I realized that Wanheda was in trouble. She might be this big mythical person who took down our greatest enemy, seemingly by herself, but she was paying for it. I could see it all in her movements, the things that she screamed out about in the night, and the way that she had been aimlessly walking through the land."

"So what happened?" Raven inquired.

"I took her easily while she slept one night. She didn't even know that I was there. I tied her up and carried her back to my horse," Echo replied.

"And, then?" Octavia pushed.

"I woke up, draped over the back of Echo's horse as we slowly made our way through the colder lands of Azgeda to Troi and Queen Nia," Clarke answered.