Chapter 36
Raven reached over and grabbed a cup. She downed it quickly and looked over at Clarke and Echo...Ash. They were close, but there was something else to it. She couldn't put her finger on it. There was just something different about the way that Ash and Clarke moved around each other. She was always the first one to Clarke's side. Octavia was always just a step behind. Raven grabbed her cup and went to drink it again, and then she realized what it was. They had been through so many lives together that they could almost anticipate each other's moves. It was the rest of the world that they couldn't.
She knew that they loved each other as well. It was obvious, but she didn't know how sexual it was. She knew that Clarke had a relationship with Octavia and Echo on Bardo in one life. They made it work, but then again, Clarke didn't have Lexa then. Octavia didn't have Lincoln, and Echo didn't have…Raven thought for a minute, Bellamy. She looked them again.
Echo was directly behind Clarke's left side. Lexa was on her right and holding her right hand. Echo was in a defensive position. Octavia was there as well with Echo. They were giving Clarke her left to be free to fight. Anya and Luna would usually be on Lexa's sides, too.
She thought about that. She loved both Anya and Luna, and they loved her. Through the stories she found that she fell for Anya first and then Luna after Anya's death. In the bunker, they got together. She was sure that it was odd for Anya at first, but she believed that Lexa told her to find her happiness. Luna didn't seem to mind their arrange that much, but then again, she was the most hedonistic of them. Together they made it work. And, it helped in the bunker.
Lexa needed her general happy to help keep the people in line. They all loved Luna because she gave them entertainment, education, and enrichment. Raven kept the power and the tech running. Lexa had them build a quarters for themselves near the power generators. Raven was glad. As much as she talked about having power and wanting it, she learned quickly what that meant while they were all trapped in the Earth for years. Lexa kept them happy because they kept the bunker happy. It was win-win.
But, now, looking at Clarke, Echo and Octavia, she wondered who took care of them. She had Anya and Luna. They had each other, but it was obvious from those in the hut that it wasn't enough for Clarke. She needed them all. She had twelve people that were all willing to do whatever it took to make sure that they survived, but none of them realized how much Clarke needed them until that night. They'd had only lived the life once, but Clarke…Clarke had lived it countless times.
"Clarke?" Raven inquired gaining her attention.
"Yeah, Rae, what's up?"
Octavia and Echo…Ash, both perked up. Clarke seemed a little better than she had been the last time that they stopped the story. Raven watched them, though. There was just this sisterhood between them. She'd seen it in Octavia and Echo in their last life before they went off together. Anya told her what happened. She didn't get it then, and on some levels, she doesn't now. She could feel their frustration, heartbreak, and longing though every time she was around them. It was hard not to, and they weren't even trying to hide it.
"You've lived this life many times," Raven started.
"Yes, I have."
"And, we've found out, now, that Echo…Ash, was the first one to receive your blood," Raven stated.
"Yes," Clarke replied.
"Why didn't you try it before?"
"I had no reason to know that it would work," Clarke stated.
"But, you just tried on Echo?" Raven inquired.
"I didn't know that it would cause her to be reborn like me, no. I was just trying to save her life. I didn't have anyone at that point, Rae. All of Arkadia was gone. You and Octavia were gone. I had no family. I had no friends. I didn't even have a lover. All I had in that moment was my fos and somewhat of a disciple in Ash. I'd lived through Praimfaya several times by that point. Some I spent with Madi in Eden. Some…well, they weren't pleasant. I knew the serum worked because it has worked on me. Making her a natblida was honestly the most selfish thing that I've done in all my lives," Clarke answered.
"And, you had no idea that it would work?" Raven questioned.
"No, Rae, I didn't. And, honestly, it wasn't until the life that Octavia and I ended up in Azgeda together that I found out that it wasn't Echo that survived with my blood but Ash. When, I knew that…"
"You made the plan to change us all?" Raven probed.
"No," Clarke answered simply and said no more.
Raven could see something in her eyes that was begging her not to ask more, but she wanted to know. When she turned to look at Echo and Octavia, she saw the same look. She was quiet, but they all knew that she would ask about it later and in more depth. Raven wouldn't let it go. She couldn't. She needed to know. She wanted to study it. She had to find a way to process what was happening to them and then she could use that to help them if this life didn't turn out as they hoped and stopped the cycle. The more she knew, the more she could help.
"What happened after Praimfaya hit?" Emori asked as she sat leaning against John on her cot.
"The world burned. There was nothing left except that valley. Keyron knows why it is the only place that survives the Death Wave," Echo answered before Clarke could say anything as she reached up and put a hand on Clarke's shoulder.
Clarke knew that it was a gesture of solidarity. It was also for comfort. No one in the hut missed it, except Madi because she was still sleeping off in the corner. Clarke reached up and touched her hand.
"It took time for me to realize that it worked. And, to be honest, I didn't want to saddle anyone else with this curse," Clarke stated as she looked at Emori. "Octavia begged me for it when she realized that it would help her heal faster. At that point, we didn't know that it would cause her to be reborn, too. What you have to understand is that it took lives, about twenty or more, I think, before Ash came back to me. And, when she did, we were all trapped in Azgeda. Octavia and I were fighting for our lives. We escaped but Echo didn't. She died saving us and Lexa."
"Why?" Lexa questioned turning to face Clarke, and by extension Echo.
"Ash hadn't been able to get to me to let me know. Octavia and I bonded in one life. Indra made us sisters, but it was more than that. When the time came for us to go into the bunkers, we made plans to do so. I took Raven and Octavia with me to Becca's lab. Raven helped me develop the serum, but it was just a test. I wasn't sure that it would work because Ash never came back to me. I gave it to O because she begged me to. I knew that she couldn't go in the bunkers. I waited for Raven to get called back to sure up everything in Polis and the Second Bunker."
"And, we made sure that Luna and Anya didn't let her leave," Octavia added. "Raven thought that she would have time to come back to the lab to get some more tech or something, but she didn't. The wave started moving faster than predicted. Clarke knew it would happen and informed me. I had to make sure that Raven didn't come back. After the Death Wave passed over the lab, Clarke and I waited. We got out and immediately headed to Eden. When we got there, we found Madi. The only problem in our little set up was that when the tower fell, it broke the seal. No one in the bunker survived."
"I blamed myself. I thought it was all my fault. By the time that Diyoza and the other prisoners came, we met them. We showed them how to survive in repayment they left us alone. Diyoza killed a few among them that tried to take what they wanted, but we had a type of peace. Eventually, some of the men and women asked to join us. Diyoza came with them and the group split. Those that stayed with us cultivated the land and lived off of it. Those that didn't left Eden and were never seen again. Hope was born. Madi helped raise her like an older cousin. She became family when Diyoza died from some sort of winter flu or something. We watched Madi grow up, but she was ten years or more older than any person she could have. Not that age matters, but she finally did bond with a boy. We were happy-ish, but we knew that time was limited for us. Clarke died before Madi's twentith year. I followed a few years later. So, we don't know what happened to Madi or Hope, but we do know that without the prisoners, Earth would have had only one inhabitant: Madi."
Everyone turned to the corner. Some of them were realizing now that Clarke wasn't just trying to save Lexa, she was trying to make sure that Madi had a world to grow up in with other people. Clarke was trying to save the human race, but she was also trying to give Madi a good future. She didn't care about Second Dawn or Cadagon over a billion lightyears away. She was worried about her family, both blood and not, and then they realized that they were all her family now. They all shared the same blood. And, they were all fighting to make sure that Madi had a good home and future.
"So, you lived in the lab for the forty-two days without killing each other?" Raven asked, getting them back on track, she assumed.
Echo laughed. She knew what Raven meant. Some of them couldn't stand each other after a few days of being cooped up together. They had all lived either in tents and the outside for the most part or in the Ark in cramped quarters. Putting them together made for strange bedfellows. She was sure that the young mechanic had seen some things while in the bunker in their last life, especially if she finally had both Anya and Luna on her as well.
"We did. I am going to say that it was all sunshine and rainbows, Rae. It wasn't. But, we did what we had to do in order to survive."
"Was it dark?" Emori questioned.
"Not like you think. We had candles and some other things to burn, but we had to be careful with it all. There was only so much air. And, Becca was wickedly smart for her generation, she'd couldn't have predicted what happened. She was however smart enough to have some working tech. She must have been worried about a nuclear war or something when she built it. I'm guessing that she didn't expect it to survive two nuclear winter type scenarios though."
"What do you mean?" Raven inquired.
"She had an air scrubber and some residual power generators, but I could never figure out how they worked. That would have been something you knew, Rae. My Dad taught me enough about engineering and stuff to make simple tools for survival. He never expected me to follow in his footsteps. He knew from the time that I was young enough to stand at table by Mom that I was going to be a doctor. He wanted to help me, but I never got all the techy stuff of the science he was trying to teach me. Give me a body and medicine and I'm your girl. Give me a generator and I'm calling on you, Rae," Clarke replied.
"That's cause I'm your number one pick," Raven stated.
"And, you always will be," Clarke reminded her.
"Then, why did you take so long to pick the rest of us to join you?" Raven inquired.
Clarke clammed up on that point. She looked at them all. She could tell that they were all curious to that fact. And, the life where Clarke finally had them all take her "tainted" blood, she was already gone. Abby had to use both Octavia and Echo's blood to turn everyone. It was mostly all Octavia's, though. Echo couldn't or wouldn't donate too much of her marrow. Clarke understood it. Luna hadn't exactly been too forth coming with her own the first time, either. Clarke just reasoned that it was a Grounder thing and let it go. She didn't push for an answer to that question. And, she knew that it mostly because Echo had answered it in their days in the bunker and then Eden. A lot of it had to do with how precious and sacred the natjus tended to be for the clans.
"It wasn't so much that I was picking you, Raven. It was the fact that I hadn't accepted that I was some mythical and legendary figure. I am not. I know I am not, but the the people on Earth don't know that. I think that I had to go through so many lives to appreciate everything that I had and to learn to become this figure head that I don't want to be," Clarke answered. "I know that it sounds like I am some epic hero on a quest, and after a fashion, I am. But, a hero is only as good as though that help him and most heroes don't set out do something heroic. I am. I want to save mankind."
"But, you also want to save Lexa and Madi," Anya added.
"I do. I always have. And, trust me when I say that I have lived hundreds of years trying to figure out how to do that. Finally, in the last life as I lay dying, I knew that I had to finally accept everything that I'd learned about who Wanheda was and what their role was among the krus."
"So, is that why you've been spending so much time with Gaia?" Murphy asked.
"Partially, yes, it is, John," Clarke answered, using his first name on purpose as she met his blue eyes. "She's been teaching how to access the knowledge that I've gained through my many lives. She's helping me process. Much like Lexa sometimes needs the guidance of the Fleimkepa, so does the one that has been tapped to be Wanheda. Gaia is graciously doing that with me, but like you all know, it takes a lot of energy and focus from me."
"But, is it helping?" Luna questioned.
"Sha, it is. I am calmer than I have ever been during a rebirth. I feel like we will actually get it right this time, but there is more to it. I finally feel like I have the people that I need surrounding me. I have my Twel. And, I know that having you will allow me to focus on the future and what needs to be done. I can finally delagate and I don't have to take on the burden all on my own. I'm sharing this curse and the quest with you all. I finally feel safe enough to do that. And, that has been one of the hardest things for me to accept and to allow to happen," Clarke explained.
"Allow to happen?" Raven inquired.
"Well, Rae, you don't make things easy for me all the time. You question some times when you should just do, and you just do sometimes when you should be questioning things. I've had to find a delicate balance between being Skaiprisa and Wanheda. Sometimes they are same person and sometimes they aren't. But, I need them to be respected the same by both groups or, we all just going to have to do this again and again and again," Clarke stated. "And, to be honest, it's getting rather old living and dying the same timeline over and over again. For once, I just want to die and not wake up again in the Skybox."
Only Octavia and Echo knew her pain in that regard. The others were just starting to learn. Gaia had her work cut out for her, though. Not only was she seen as basically the high priestess of all the Grounders, but she was an advisor and aide-de-camp to Lexa as the Fleimkepa. Anya and Luna were the others to Lexa. Clarke had selected Raven and Octavia. Echo seemed to float between them both. But, Gaia also had to prepare the world for the coming of the Skaiprisa, who would later be bestowed the title of Wanheda without having to destroy too many people. Lexa was also paving the way for this to happen. Now, all they had to do was get everyone from the Ark on board with this transition and they might have a really good, fighting chance. At least, they all hoped so. And, while Gaia was helping Clarke become more ... whatever it was she needed to be. Octavia and Echo were getting everyone else ready and in shape for what was to come.
"Do you want to tell them what happened after we left the lab?" Echo asked as she reached out for a cup of Indra's hooch and downed it.
"Do you think that they honestly want to know about all that?" Clarke countered, stressing the last word on as she stared at Ash/Echo.
"I know that I do, as I am sure that rest want to hear the conclusion of that life's story," Lexa answered them both in Trigedasleng on purpose.
Clarke and Echo knew that they'd been caught. It was a time of peace. It was a time of healing for them both, but it was also fraught with dangers and heartache. It wasn't all great, but it was one of the better lives that Clarke had endured (without Lexa) that she actually was happy...until Madi died. She wasn't sure that she wanted to bring all that up again. She had her daughter. She was sharing her with Lexa. Sure, they were both a lot younger, but only by months, from the same age that she'd first gotten Madi.
"Why don't you start and when it gets to that part, you can go. I know that you don't want to think about it. I'll take over from there."
"It isn't only your burden to bare, Ash. She was ours in that life and we both lost her. I can't let you take the fall for that."
"I'm not, Clarke and neither are you. She died. We both saw her body. We sent her back to Keyron, but you suffered more for it. She has been your daughter for too many rebirths, she was only mine in that one."
"She still sees you are a figure to go to, though," Clarke replied.
"But, I am not her other mother. Lexa is. She knows that I am her Ani Ash and that I will defend her and protect her with my life. Just as O, Anya, or any of them will. She is the future Heda. She will always be that. It is her destiny. She had no one to rule that life. It was cruel that she was taken from us so young, Clarke, but we cannot forget what her part is in all of this. She might not be a full member of the Twel, but she is your daughter and will carry one your legacy. Wanheda isn't just our champion and leader, Clarke, she is always something more. You gave that to Madi. You made her more than just a natblida or the next Heda after Lexa. You gave her the want and drive to make sure that our people endured. Octavia has seen it. I have seen it. Now, let them all help her become the woman we know that she can be."
"This story doesn't tell them that," Clarke stated.
"But, it could help them all see why she holds a place and isn't marked. She represents time and time is something that we are battling for and against," Ash/Echo said, switching back into Gonasleng. "They may not understand, but they need to know in order to help us. They deserve the truth."
Clarke nodded. It was going to hurt. It was going to sting, but Ash was right. If they didn't know about the memories that drove the Clarke the most, then they wouldn't know how to make sure that certain events didn't happen again. They were all sworn now to help her see this through to the end. To make sure that they saved as many people as they could, to keep Lexa and the rest of the Twel alive. They needed to be as selfish as Clarke was, or they might all fail. Clarke sighed. Thinking about this let her know how much her mother had to deal with because of her father. It made her understand most of Abby's choices, even if she didn't agree with them. Hopefully this would do the same with all of them. Insight was a powerful thing.
"Not going to lie. This is all going to seem great, until it isn't. But, this part of the story starts forty days after Praimfaya," Clarke started. "We were still in the lab. For comfort and sanity, we'd been sharing the same living space the entire time. That isn't say that we didn't find things to do on our own. I would go read while Ash trained. It wasn't perfect, but we made it work. On day forty though, I changed our routine..."
