Warnings: angst/depression
Prompt: "It's not enough anymore."
The day of Chase's birthday get-together was pleasant, sunny and breezy and almost too temperate to make use of Logan's pool. But Maddie and Ella remained undaunted, alternating between splashing around in it and warming up in the hot tub, occasionally asking one of the supervising adults to watch them jump in the water or time how quickly they could lap the pool.
Meanwhile, the adults used the occasion to relax and converse more than celebrate. While it had been a long time since Chase had winced at the mention of his birthday it remained a lowkey affair; he had been somewhat relieved to have it fall on a weekday this year, content to receive a call from his family and a hug from Zoey to mark the actual day. Still, Zoey had pushed for a larger gathering to celebrate and been pleased when he acquiesced, only giving her a mock glare when they presented his cake with a song. Afterwards, they all quickly slid back into relaxed conversations, nibbling at sushi and cake crumbs as they chatted.
But she'd noticed that Chase had started to slip away slightly, a quiet contemplation settling over him like fog, even as Michael's and Lola's boisterous laughter rang through the air. Zoey walked over and pulled a plastic chair closer to his, gently clasping his arm and running a thumb over his hand, receiving a small smile in return.
She asked him what he was thinking about and he hesitated before replying that it was nothing important. She nodded and patted his arm, waiting to see if he would say anything else, but he seemed content enough, albeit still reflective. Nevertheless, she was happy enough to sit in silence with him, her fingers mindlessly trailing up his arm and their knees just brushing against each other. After a while, Maddie called out to request an audience for her underwater handstand demonstration, garnering a hearty round of applause in the process, and when Zoey glanced at Chase, she found his expression soft as his gaze fell on Maddie, a waning smile still on his face.
She then found Quinn at her side, telling her about a beginner science kit she thought Maddie might like and could help in instilling a love of the subject in her early on, though Zoey still had her doubts about whether something that small would be able to overcome Maddie's genetic predisposition to hate chemistry. She and Quinn continued to chat, making their way through the last of the spring rolls, when Logan ran over and plucked Quinn's half-eaten one out of her fingers, throwing it in the air to catch it in his mouth. Quinn gasped in mock annoyance and smacked his arm, which only encouraged Logan to tauntingly stick his tongue out at her like he was seven years old. In a flash, Quinn leapt up and began to chase him around, even shooting at him with her zap watch, the whole display so ridiculous and child-like that Zoey couldn't help but join in with their giddy laughter, hearing Michael and Lola cheers for Quinn's victory on the sidelines.
She swivelled back to face Chase, expecting him to be watching with a grin and sly remark ready, only to find him turned away from her, his hand pressed against his eyes. She stared at him for a moment, slowly comprehending the soft shake of his shoulders but not fully understanding them. For a moment, she thought she could pretend that he was laughing, his sniffs and staccato breathing the result of joy, that any moment his laugh would bellow around her. Instead, she pressed herself closer to him, pressing her hand against his shoulder and rubbing it in an attempt at comfort, feeling the ragged gasps of his body in her own. By now Quinn had been declared triumphant as she rode on Logan's back, but she could see that Michael and Lola were looking at her and Chase quizzically, the air grown quiet apart from the sound of Maddie and Ella's splashing. Michael began moving closer towards them until Zoey shook her head, a silent conversation taking place that resulted in everyone but Zoey and Chase heading towards the pool, intent on enacting some kind of distraction.
Left alone, Zoey looked at Chase and wanted to believe that this was because of happiness, a surrender to peace; wanted it even as Chase shrugged her hand off his shoulder and sank deeper into himself, bent over with his palms pressed into his eyes, unable to stop his gasps from turning into sobs. But the best she could do was to rub her hand up and down his back, feeling his body tremble under her touch, trying to ignore her own feeling of helplessness as she waited for his weeping to pass.
"Why isn't it enough?" Chase said eventually, voice choked as he swallowed down his next sob. He looked up from his hands, cheeks flushed red and eyelashes matted together with tears. "Why - why do I still feel like this."
"It's ok," replied Zoey, not truly knowing exactly how he was feeling but sympathising all the same. She brushed a curl that had fallen over his forehead, wiping a tear away from Chase's cheek. "It will pass, eventually, and until it does you're surrounded by people that love you. We'll be here for you, always."
"But that's the point," Chase argued. "I have all of you, all of this, and I still - I still want…" he let out a shaky exhale and trailed off. Chase turned back away from Zoey and looked ahead to where the sun was shining through the trees, the leaves almost seeming to glisten as they rustled slightly in the wind, the white clouds and blue sky just peaking through the branches. Zoey brought her attention to where Maddie was kicking her legs in the pool, pretending she hadn't been looking in Zoey and Chase's direction as she waved at Ella, now riding on Michael's shoulders. Zoey smiled at her but she knew it was an empty gesture, feeling like she'd been carved out, turned hollow.
"It should be enough," Chase repeated.
Yes, Zoey thought. Why aren't we?
