Ennui
Ponyboy sat up the moment he was awake, heart racing before his brain had caught up with his body. It was the next day…or was it? It was…something. Throwing the covers off, he started to get up, then stopped. How would he know? Should he go check on Johnny? See if it was the same? No…it couldn't be the same! He'd read the book! Wasn't that what whoever was doing this had wanted him to do?
He didn't know what else to do. How else was he supposed to save Johnny? Why was this even happening? His thoughts were a tangled mess and all he wanted to do was find out if it was Saturday or Sunday…if his plan had actually worked. But also he didn't want to know…didn't think he could stand the disappointment if it hadn't. Beside him, Soda stirred a little, then rolled onto his back and blinked up at him.
Then he smiled. "Hey. How are you feeling?"
Heart pounding, Pony shrugged. "I'm alright."
"Yeah?" Soda sat up, throwing an arm around his shoulders and squeezing him. "You sure had us scared, you know that? Glory, I'm glad to have you home."
Pony felt his heart drop into his stomach, eyes closing to fight against the tears that filled his eyes.
No.
"Soda?"
He felt his brother turn to look at his tone, but he couldn't help it…couldn't help the tears that made his throat ache and the desperate, terrified sound of his voice. "What's up?"
"What day is it?"
Soda looked at him for a second, hesitating before telling him, "It's Saturday, Pone." When Pony didn't answer, using every ounce of strength he had to keep from crying, his brother went on. "You remember what happened yesterday? The fire?"
Ponyboy nodded. Yeah. He remembered. He'd never forget. Soda started to speak again but Pony threw his legs over the side of the bed and stood up instead. "I'm gonna go take a shower," he told him simply, leaving his brother in puzzled silence. He managed to hold it together until he'd shut the bathroom door and stepped under the hot spray of the shower, but the second he pulled the shower curtain shut, tears were pouring down his face, being washed away just as quickly by the water that beat down on him.
It hadn't worked. Of course it hadn't worked. Why had he thought this could work? Why had he dared to hope?
Sitting down hard on the floor, Pony pulled his knees to his chest and sobbed, his whole body shaking as he cried. "What do I do?" He mouthed the words so quietly that he could barely even hear them over the water, but it didn't matter. Whoever was doing this…or whatever was doing this, had obviously heard him that night. Maybe they could hear him now! "What do I do? What do you want? Make it stop…please…please make it stop." Rocking back and forth on the floor, he tried not to think about how Johnny had looked in that hospital bed, or what the gunshots that had killed Dally had sounded like. He tried not to remember reading that last page and the hope he'd felt…the words he'd never read before staring him in the face like a cruel joke.
Tomorrow is another day.
No it wasn't. It was the same. Every day was the same and he didn't know how to make it stop!
He cried for a long time…long enough that a fist knocking on the door jerked him out of his thoughts.
"Pony? Come on, hurry up," Soda called, and he jumped to his feet on instinct. Soda needed to take a shower before work.
But what did it matter? None of this was even real, right? It just…kept resetting!
No, he told himself sharply, shaking his head and feeling his thoughts start to gather…to make sense again. No, he was going to figure this out. He had to. He wasn't just going to sit on the floor and cry until he went crazy.
Crazier.
He still hadn't ruled out his stuck in a hospital for crazy people idea, but if that was true, there was nothing he could do about it. So he scrubbed his face, trying to wash away any evidence that he'd been crying, then shut off the water, glad it hadn't gone cold. Even if none of this was real, he'd still feel bad if Soda had to take a cold shower because of him wasting all the hot water. Then, wrapping a towel around his waist, he hurried out of the bathroom and into his bedroom, calling out to Soda that the bathroom was free before shutting the door behind him.
In the other room, he could hear Two-Bit and Steve talking, and somebody pulling a pan out of a cabinet…probably Darry. He had to think…focus! Put it all together and try to figure it out. That was the only way he was getting out of this, right? He thought about trying to write it down, but it would all be gone the next day, so there was no point…instead, he made a list in his head, going over everything he could remember from the first day…the one that had started all of this.
Breakfast, talking to Randy, visiting Johnny, talking to Cherry. He'd changed how he did all of those things, and he was still living the same day over and over, so those things probably weren't the key to all this. Then, later, he'd had dinner with his brothers. He'd convinced Darry to let him fight. Then…the rumble. But he'd changed that too! He'd fought different and he'd skipped it altogether! So it wasn't like whoever or whatever was doing this was trying to teach him that fighting was bad or something.
That thought made him stop right as he was pulling his t-shirt on (a different one than he'd been wearing every other day. He didn't think that would fix anything, but he figured it couldn't hurt to mix it up.) Was whoever or whatever it was that was behind this trying to teach him something? But why? Why him? Dally jumped people and Steve stole stuff all the time…Two-Bit too. Hell, Johnny's parents beat their own kid, so why would he be the one that got taught a lesson?
Fully dressed, he sat on the bed and tried to ignore the sound of the TV being flipped on.
He'd gone to see Johnny after the rumble. Dally had lost it and run off. Then Pony had gone home. Well, he thought as he rubbed a hand over his face, it hadn't been that straightforward…he'd wandered around for a long time too before someone had given him a ride, and he figured he must have been hit in the head awful hard or something…maybe he'd had a concussion. The rest of the night was kind of a blur, but he tried to remember. Going home. Getting that phone call. Running to the park.
Dally dying in the street. Two of their friends in one night.
And then…what had he done?
It had been his fault, so he'd felt guilty. He'd said that he wanted to fix it. And then…darkness.
So…someone had heard him…or something? God, maybe? Although he didn't know if he even believed in God and he certainly didn't think the God he'd learned about in church as a kid did this kind of stuff. At least, not that he remembered. He'd never heard about this happening before, not even in stories…so why was it happening now? Who or what had heard him? Did it even matter?
No, he decided. He didn't care who or what was doing this. He just wanted to figure out how to make them stop. Did they want him to go through the same day over and over for some reason? Or…or did he have to do something specific to make it stop, like he'd tried with Johnny?
He couldn't save Johnny. The thought hit him hard and he pressed his face into his hands, not wanting to cry again. But it was true. He just…couldn't! Johnny was hurt real bad and the doctors couldn't save him so Pony sure as hell couldn't either. He'd tried talking to him more and he'd tried reading that book and he'd even yelled at his mom, but none of that had done anything. So…so he couldn't save Johnny. It was his fault that Johnny was going to die and there was nothing he could do about it.
But Johnny wasn't the only person that died.
Was he focusing on the wrong person?
Theoretically, saving Dally would be easier. Dally wasn't even hurt that bad. He hadn't died because he was hurt…he'd died because he couldn't stand seeing Johnny die. Ponyboy wasn't sure what the hell he could do about that, but it was a start, right?
The bedroom door opened after a minute, a belated knock pulling Pony out of his plans, and he looked up to find Darry in his doorway. He still felt bad about the day before and leaving them with just a note, even if it wasn't real and Darry couldn't remember it, but he had a feeling he'd have to do something like that again soon. "How are you feeling?" Darry stood by the dresser, one thumb hooked in his pocket. It always felt kind of weird to talk to Darry like this anymore, like he'd turned into some stranger. Pony knew he loved him…at least, now he did anyway. He'd figured that out at the hospital. But that didn't mean he really knew how to talk to him when they weren't fighting. Darry was…well, he was Darry. Surely he'd already figured out that this was all Pony's fault…Johnny and Dal and the fire where those kids had almost died. Would his brother hate him for real after all this?
Would saving Dally make a difference?
"I'm fine," he told him after what he knew was too long of a pause as he tried to focus. He'd need to take some Aspirin and maybe eat something if he was going to do that.
"You sure? You don't look so good, kiddo."
Pony didn't know how to argue, or if it even mattered. Would he need to just wait until the next day to try and change things? Use this one to try and figure out what to do? Maybe, he thought, inspiration striking right when he was supposed to be focusing on a conversation with his brother who famously hated when Pony got lost in his own head, he could get up early and go see Dally like he had with Johnny. Go as soon as he got up. Leave a note. And try to…talk? The thought was ridiculous…talking to Dally was like talking to a brick wall half the time. But he had to try something.
A cool hand on his forehead pulled him from his thoughts and he jumped, looking up at Darry who thankfully seemed more concerned than angry. Then again, Pony thought, who cared if he got angry? All of it would start over tomorrow anyway.
"You feel pretty warm. Why don't you take some Aspirin?"
He nodded. That was probably a good idea.
"I think I'd better stay home today."
"I'm fine," he told Darry. "Besides, we can't afford it." There wasn't any reason for his brother to miss a day of work and waste his whole day sitting around here. Unless…could he get Darry to come with him and talk to Dally? Would Darry be able to get through to him? But in order to get him to do that, Pony would have to convince Darry that he was reliving the same day over and over and he figured he had a better chance of getting through to Dally than he did Darry.
Darry just stared at him, obviously wanting to argue, but before he could, Two-Bit poked his head in. "Hey! Long time no see!" he called, pushing past Darry who rolled his eyes and grabbing Ponyboy by the arms, pulling him to his feet and spinning him around. "Look at baldy here!" Two-Bit threw an arm around him then, digging his knuckles roughly into his head, making Pony wince and halfheartedly try to push him off. He guessed Two-Bit would always be Two-Bit, and the thought was almost nice. "What happened to all your tuff hair, kid? You have a run in with some wild Indians?"
"Lay off him, Two-Bit," Darry commanded, pushing him off and putting a hand on Ponyboy's shoulder, and for the first time Two-Bit seemed kind of concerned, backing off and looking him over. Darry squeezed his shoulder, looking him up and down. "I don't like leaving you alone."
Two-Bit shoved his hands in his pockets and grinned. "Don't worry, Superman. I'll babysit him."
They were both quiet when Ponyboy didn't so much as roll his eyes, much less throw a punch like he had the first day…not that they remembered that. He knew they were exchanging worried looks, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was figuring out what he could say to Dally to try and save him. Maybe…maybe if Dally knew from the start that Johnny was going to die? Would that help him get used to the idea? Ponyboy doubted it…he knew Johnny was going to die and he still wasn't used to the idea. Hell, he'd seen his friend die and he still couldn't stand it.
Darry's hand rubbed the back of his head, pulling him out of his planning once more. "Ponyboy?" he asked softly, and he forced himself to meet his brother's eyes.
"Huh?"
"I'm going to grab you some medicine, alright. Sit down," he urged, and Pony wondered if he was going to be late for work. Soda and Steve were surprisingly quiet if they were still there, and even Two-Bit looked solemn, sitting beside him on the bed while Darry left the room.
"Kid? You with me?" he asked, quieter than before. Pony had the insane urge to laugh…to assure him that he was fine because he'd been fine the day before and the day before that…he wasn't scheduled to pass out for hours now. Hell, even that didn't matter because none of this was real! But he didn't want to deal with Two-Bit thinking he was insane so he just nodded.
"Yeah. Just tired."
"Doubt you got a lot of sleep at that church…Lordy, kiddo, the next time you get in trouble, how about you come to me, huh?"
"You were drunk," Pony told him simply, although that hadn't been why they hadn't gone to Two-Bit. It had been Johnny's idea to go to Dally. He hadn't even considered going to Two-Bit, actually…hadn't considered doing anything but following Johnny to Buck's.
His friend scoffed. "Drunk or not, I still give better advice than Dal, alright?"
Darry walked in just then, and he looked like he wanted to disagree with that, but he just handed Ponyboy a couple of pills, then urged him to lay down, pulling the blankets up to his shoulders. "Get some rest. Try and eat something later."
"I've got him," Two-Bit told him, still so serious. It was weird…his buddy was usually the one cracking jokes and messing around. He almost never acted his age, and Pony sometimes forgot how much older he was. "Go to work, man."
"Alright…thanks, Two." With a final pat to Pony's shoulder, Darry took off, and after a minute, Two-Bit stood up too.
"I'll be in the other room. Holler if you need me, kid."
Ponyboy agreed, mind already racing as he closed his eyes. He was going to figure this out, or he was going to go insane trying. Unfortunately, at the moment, he would have put money on the second option. He wanted to figure out what to do…wanted to focus on how he was going to get through to Dally. Because what other choice did he have? But no matter how hard he tried, laying in bed with the warm blankets pulled up around him made it impossible to keep his eyes open. He felt bad, like he was coming down with something, and he couldn't help feeling like all of this was hopeless anyway…like no matter what he did, he'd always end up right in the same place. So why bother? Why even try?
Because he didn't know what else to do.
Still, he must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew, their front door was closing and Steve's voice came in from the living room, making him jerk awake with a curse…he was supposed to be making a plan, not sleeping!
"How's the kid?" Pony heard him ask, and he could just picture Two-Bit shrugging.
"Still in bed. He didn't say nothing after Darry left…I think he's freaked out about Johnny," Two-Bit told him, voice almost too quiet for him to hear from his bedroom.
"Yeah…you guys gonna go see him?"
"If Ponyboy feels up to it. I don't think Muscles would appreciate me leaving him here on his own. What are you doing here?"
"I told Soda I'd come check on him since he's stuck helping some old lady with her car."
"He don't trust my babysitting skills?" Two was obviously trying to joke, but it fell kind of flat.
Steve was quiet for a moment, then, "Why don't y'all come by the DX? Get some lunch? Soda's worried sick about him. Maybe you can go see Johnny after?"
"Alright. I'll ask him…"
"I got it."
Then, to Pony's surprise, Steve barged in his room, coming right up to the bed and shaking his shoulder. "You alive?" he demanded, trying and failing to sound like he didn't care.
"Unfortunately." The word slipped out before he could think it through and he cursed himself…he needed to think and he wouldn't be able to do that if Steve told his brothers he was losing it, even if he was.
Even if the hopelessness of his situation was weighing heavier and heavier on him every single day.
"Jesus, kid," Steve muttered, and when Pony glanced up at him, he was rolling his eyes, but his hand stayed on his shoulder. "Come on. I'll give you guys a ride up to the DX. Your brother's gonna mess someone's car up if he don't stop worrying about you." He hesitated. "You feel up to it?"
Figuring he might as well, Pony nodded, letting Steve pull him upright.
Soda's buddy didn't leave, though. He just looked at him for a minute, surprisingly concerned. "You alright?" he asked instead.
"Johnny's gonna die, and it's my fault," he told him simply. It didn't matter, he realized then, if Steve did tell his brothers that he was nuts. It was just past noon and he doubted he'd be able to get Dally to listen to him in that amount of time, and Johnny was probably already passed out after hearing about his mom being there…and he hadn't even been there. So the day was a bust anyway.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Steve demanded.
"I shouldn't have gotten out until he was out too." He wasn't really talking to Steve. He guessed he was talking to whoever was doing this to him. Would it help if they knew he felt guilty? That he regretted climbing out that window instead of going back for Johnny.
"Come on, kid. That…that ain't on you." He looked distinctly uncomfortable, and just that sight would have made him laugh any other time, but Pony could only manage a tired sigh as he stood up, glad he was already dressed. He wanted to sleep the rest of this day away…had been trying, actually, in between planning, but if Steve was going to force him out of bed, at least he'd get to see Sodapop. "Kid," Steve started, stopping Ponyboy in his tracks, and to his surprise, Steve reached out again, gripping his shoulder. "I mean it. This wasn't your fault."
He'd been relieved to hear that Two-Bit didn't think so, and he was surprised at his relief that Steve apparently agreed. Him and Steve didn't always get along, but he was still like family. Still, he didn't know how to say all that, so he just nodded. It wouldn't matter if he'd managed to get it all into words anyway, he told himself. Steve wouldn't remember any of this the next day anyway.
At the DX, they found Sodapop in the shop laying on his back on a creeper under a car, but when Steve called out to him, he wheeled himself out, wiping a hand on his face and smearing a streak of grease across his forehead. He grinned when he spotted Pony, dropping the wrench he was holding and letting it clang to the ground as he jumped to his feet. "Hey. How you feeling?" he asked, throwing an arm around Ponyboy's shoulders.
It was strange…he hadn't seen his brothers much the first time this had happened. He visited Soda at work all the time, but not that day…that day, he'd been out with Two-Bit all day. Not that he thought visiting Sodapop would change anything, but it was good to see him anyway. Maybe just for today, he could pretend things were normal…let himself worry about saving Dally tomorrow and take a break from the insanity that had become his life.
"I'm alright. Just tired."
"You've been sleeping all morning," Soda told him, pressing his hand to his forehead, and Pony let him, even leaning on his brother a little. "Come on…sit down," he urged, leading him over to an overturned crate, and Pony sat, watching as Soda dragged another crate over for himself. Two-Bit disappeared, and Steve headed inside, leaving the two of them alone. "I think Darry ought to take you to the doctor tomorrow if you're still feeling bad. You know you can't fight tonight, right?"
"Yeah, I know." He couldn't help being relieved. He didn't think he wanted to fight in another rumble ever again, but he still didn't want Soda to think he was a coward. It was such a dumb thing to care about, but he couldn't help it. He was so sick of fighting he could hardly stand it.
Steve came back after a minute with a bottle of Pepsi in one hand and a bag of chips in the other. "Here, kid," he told him simply, and Pony took them. Usually he'd make some kind of smart remark about Steve poisoning the food or something, but at the moment, he couldn't be bothered. Hell, he didn't even care when Steve pulled up a crate of his own and studied him. It kind of worried him that he couldn't seem to care about much of anything besides trying to figure out how to save Dally at the moment, but he guessed it made sense.
When Two-Bit came back, they all talked about the rumble and about how they wanted to visit Johnny the next day, which almost made Ponyboy burst into tears, but he managed to hold it together, taking a long drink of the Pepsi which did make him feel a little better. He made a note to himself that if he was going to feel well enough to do anything the next day, he probably better actually eat something in the morning.
"Why don't you two get some burgers or something?" Soda asked, pulling Pony out of his thoughts and making him realize Soda's lunch must be about over.
Before he could tell his brother that all he wanted was to go back to bed and try to figure this out, Two-Bit clasped his shoulder. "Good idea. Come on, kid. Let's get some lunch."
Despite Soda looking worried about him, Pony couldn't make himself act any more normal than just nodding and letting his brother ruffle his messy hair. He realized then that he hadn't greased it, then marveled a little at the fact that he didn't care. Who gave a shit about his hair, he thought tiredly, when Johnny and Dally were both going to die unless he could figure something out.
They went to the Dingo since it wasn't too far, and Pony forced himself to eat a burger while Two-Bit talked about Cathy's brother and what his little sister had been up to. He nodded along, not really hearing any of it, until finally his friend stopped talking and just looked at him. "Kid?" he asked, waiting until Pony met his eyes, then went on. "You still feeling bad?"
Ponyboy nodded. He felt bad in just about every meaning of the word.
"You want to go see Johnny and Dal before we head back to your place? We can take the bus."
It was with an almost unbearable spike of guilt though his chest that Pony shook his head. He didn't want to see Johnny like that again. He didn't want to answer Dally's questions or see that look on his face that meant he was going to do something stupid. Johnny was just going to die anyway, and so was Dal. It was way too late in the day to do anything about it! So he shook his head and stared at his plate. "You go. I'm going back home."
"You want me to take you to a doctor or something? Or get Soda to take you?"
Wondering how bad he must look for Two-Bit to offer, Pony shook his head again. "I just want to go back to bed."
Two-Bit looked from him to the half-eaten food on his plate, then nodded. "Alright, kiddo. Let's get you home." Then, throwing some money on the table, Two-Bit held a hand out to help him up, then threw an arm around his shoulders. Pony didn't feel as sick as before now that he'd eaten something, but it was like he was still so tired and so sad that he couldn't stand it. What was the point of any of this? Short of going back further, there wasn't a thing he could do to save Johnny, and it was his own fault! Why hadn't he gone back for his friend? Why hadn't he made sure there were no cigarettes lit before they'd left the church? Why had he let himself fall asleep in the lot?
Pony went back to bed the moment they got back to his house, ignoring the worry rolling off Two-Bit in waves. He didn't usually worry much…Two-Bit was a pretty happy-go-lucky guy for the most part. But as Ponyboy shut his bedroom door behind him, kicking off his shoes and crawling under the blankets without bothering to get undressed, he could tell his friend wanted to talk. He couldn't make himself do it, though. Even if he did like Two-Bit, and even if no matter what he said to his friend, there would be no consequences that lasted longer than midnight, he didn't have the energy.
All he could focus on was trying to keep his eyes open and figuring out a way to save Dally, a guy who very obviously didn't want to be saved.
Thanks for reading!
