"Och så blev jag sjuk och blev den skugga du ser nu"
"And then I got sick and became the shadow you see now"
Chapter 16
Du är ånga
Pacing back and forth, she can feel her mind crumble more and more by every step she takes, by each second that pass. He's not here. Up to his room, checking the upstairs bathroom, a quick peek into her own room. He's not there. Heading downstairs, looking across the living room, no one's by the front door, bathroom is clean but quiet, not a soul in the kitchen. He's not here.. Scratching her head, takes a step in the backyard, no traces in the grass, children are laughing at the neighbors, none sound like him though. He's not here… Back inside, heading down the cellar, nothing funny going on there, spiders are still thriving, no voices to be heard. He's not here…
Her breathing grows heavier, vision slightly blurry. "He's not here..." Her voice sounds loud in the quiet house. "H-he's… he's not…" Running to the window, she checks the cul-de-sac, no one to see there, not even Rolf with his animals. You lost him, didn't you? "No! No…" Shaking her head she hurries back upstairs again to do the same route again. You totally did. "I didn't!" Well, where is he then? Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, she freezes on the spot. "I…" It's hard to speak. "I don't know…" It's quiet. "I don't know! I don't know where he is!" It's still quiet. "I don't know where he is! He's not- He's not here!" She yells. It's quiet still. Losing her balance she falls to the ground, down the small bit of staircase she ascended. Breathing heavily, it whistles in her throat. "I don't know… I don't know… where… where is he?" She whimpers. … … … nothing responds.
Feeling something inside her crumble, she rushes outside. Why? She doesn't know. She's already determined that he's not out here. The wind helps her breathe though, fills out the silence a little. It's cold, feels fresh on her skin, as if it's been thirsty. It does little to help her mindset.
Standing in front of her house, she forgets to lock the door after her before she runs away. Following the street, heading for the creek, is this hide-and-seek? He's not here… gulping down a rock, running back to school, searching for any type of clues, she ends up empty handed. He's not here… Whatever hope she had when she started looking is now almost completely dead. Is there any trace of it at all left? Her body moves on its own at this point, taking her somewhere, she's not sure where. At what feels like a blink of an eye, she soon finds herself back at the front door, exhausted, legs burning. How long was she gone for? She doesn't know. Well, that was a waste of time. She shakes her head at the thought and heads back inside again only to run through the house one more time before she finds herself in the backyard again with no idea what to do next.
"He's not here… he's not here…!" She whispers to herself, not sure anyone can hear her. "He's not… he's…" Any idea where he might- "I don't know!" She yells… she just wants it to be quiet. "I don't know… I don't know…! I don't know where- I don't know where he is…! I don't know where he is!"
"Where who is?" A small voice sounds.
Her mind stiffs at the new intruder, though it sounds familiar somehow. She looks up to her left, spotting Nazz and Kevin both looking at her over the fence. It's clear that they must've heard her rambling to herself. God knows what thought must be running through their heads over that. Their expressions may speak louder than what they're about to say to her; Nazz looking concerned but tries to hide it – poorly – behind a smile, Kevin looking unimpressed with a raised eyebrow and yet with judgment painting his glare. Just what do they think of you?
"Edd…" She says, hearing how her voice cracks just by the thought of speaking to someone else about it. "he… I- h-he's not here! He's not here! I-"
"Then where is he?" Kevin asks; she can tell that he's already growing impatient.
"I don't know." She answers, feeling ashamed that she had to restrain herself from snapping at him like she did the voice when it asked the very same question. "I don't- I… I don't know… I don't know!" She becomes hysteric again. "He's not here; I've searched the entire house! He's not there! I've looked around the cul-de-sac to see if he was around there, but he's not! I went all the way back to school to see if he was there – he wasn't! I don't know where he is! I don't- I don't know!" Grabbing her own hair in frustration, she can barely feel the pain of almost ripping it all off. It doesn't hurt...
"Don't worry! I'm sure he's fine!" Nazz calls out, getting more and more concerned by what she hears and sees before her. "It's okay! It's not completely unusual for the Eds to wander outside the neighborhood." Mel doesn't seem to respond much by her words; she must be very worried about their safety. It has to be related to Double-D's weird behavior towards the other Eds. "They're probably at the junkyard, planning some scams."
Mel let's go of her hair hearing that. "There's a junkyard?!" She cries louder than she meant, making the two kids jump. She wants to apologize, but her mind is in too many pieces to know which one goes where. Fortunately Nazz doesn't seem to hold a grudge.
"Yes, it's not too far away from the cul-de-sac." She says with a smile, still poorly hiding her ever growing concern. How much concern is too much for a child?
"Where?!"
"Not too far from here." She says and then turns to Kevin. "Can you go and show her, Kevin? I have to stay and watch over Sarah and Jimmy."
She can see even from where she's standing how that is not something that Kevin wanted to hear. He really likes her, huh? Of course he does; we could figure that out with our toenail. With a shrug and an annoyed 'sure' he climbs over the fence, all the while Nazz smiles at Mel as if she's trying to reassure her that everything will be fine. Then she climbs down, out of sight, to go and watch over the other two kids that are apparently there as well.
A moment of silence, she can hear her heart beat. Something sounds behind her, someone clearing their throat? Her gaze refuses to move, she cannot check if there's someone there or not. Fixated…
"*Sigh* Are you coming or what?" A voice, Kevin, speaks behind her, snapping her out of it. He sounds annoyed, irritated. She turns to look at him; it's not an impressed look he's got on his face. Why does that bother her? "Well?" He speaks again.
She looks at him. "Yes." She speaks. "Let's go."
"Finally…" He mutters quietly, probably thinking she can't hear him. She's not in the mood to neither confront nor correct him, so she doesn't. Besides; he's clearly not in the mood to hear someone try and scold him, meaning he, more than likely, will not listen even if she did. With that they walk out her backyard, heading to the junkyard.
She doesn't know how long it took them to get there. It might've been minutes, but it could just as well have been hours – it sure felt like it. As soon as she had spotted the hills of old stuff mixed with unwanted junk she had booked it, leaving Kevin somewhat behind as she stormed off to search the new area. He had been surprised for sure when he noticed her sudden increase in speed as she bolted past him, hurrying as if life was on the line. For a split second a thought popped into his mind that it might actually be that; a matter of life and death, and it had been enough to make him run after her. It doesn't take him long at all to find her. Seems like she is the opposite of the lumpy Ed when it comes to searching through piles of junk; she doesn't dig, she climbs. The one weird thing they do have in common though is that they talk to themselves as they search.
Climbing up the junk pile, mumbling under her breath, steps on god knows what, reaching the top and… nothing. Exhaling deeply as she ascends the pile of garbage, she stands up straight and looks around the area, as long as she can see. Nothing. Nothing that seems out of the ordinary; though she wouldn't really know what to look for, she's never been here after all. Hearing someone approach her catches her attention, but she soon realizes that it's Kevin following her – to help with the search? Would've thought he'd return to the girl straight away. Apparently not.
Frustrated by the lack of anything, Mel rushes down the pile to climb up another… then another… and then another… all the while Kevin watches from a distance. He does appear to be looking for them and searching for clues, which she appreciates as he does know the area a lot better than her. However, that does not stop him from being a child, and he soon grows tired of the thing he's doing and just wants to go back to have fun instead. Crossing his arms and leaning back on an old car, he watches as Mel marches on with the search, getting further and further away from him as she does. It does make him wonder though, it really does; what could've happened that would cause her to freak out like this from not knowing where any of the Eds are?
A loud groan of pain escapes her as she falls to her feet from tripping on something on her way down her current pile. She can hear footsteps approaching quickly, suggesting Kevin is coming to check on her, or get a better look or something. She knows he doesn't want to be there, and thus she's unsure why he hasn't left yet. It feels like there are a lot of things you don't know anymore. At least right now."Quiet…" She hisses out, unaware that she's making Kevin take a step back, thinking she's talking to him. Maybe he ran away because he had enough of you. Who knows? "No…" Maybe you'll never see him again? "No..!" Or maybe they decided to go after him again? Give him the round two or something like that? Her heart stops at the thought. What if they went after him again…? What if they decided he, alone, wasn't good enough so they went after all three of them?! "No!" She exclaims at the thought, the possibility of it happening… it's too… too possible to not happen. The question is; did it, or will it?
Poor Kevin has no idea what's happening when she suddenly gets back on her feet, ignores whenever she gets caught on something and stumbles forward, she just continues on. Marching back and forth, repeating 'no' over and over again. All he can do is watch as she has a mental breakdown in front of him. Taking a couple of steps back, he backs into another old car with a cracked window and remains there for a while, watching. "H-Hey! What's the matter with you?" He calls out after a few seconds. His heart nearly leaps out of his chest when she immediately storms off towards him.
"He's not here!" She calls out, still marching towards him. "None of them are!"
"Well, yeah, I noticed that!"
"They're not here and I have no idea where they are! It's the perfect set up! The perfect plan!" She speaks as if she's unable to hear him. "There is nothing I can do if anything happened to him! To them! They know it, and they did it, didn't they?! They went after him again!" The more she speaks the more he starts to realize that she might not be talking to him, or anyone else for that matter. "I swear… I swear…! When I find them there will be hell to pay! There will be…" Recognizing the face of pure rage, Kevin hurries out of the way as she growls loudly and makes fists with her hands. "I'LL KILL THEM!" She roars and breaks the cracked car window with her fist. It cracks loudly, as if a rock had been thrown at it, shattering into thousands of pieces. Retrieving her hand from the window, she lets her hand remain in a fist as she draws it back to her side. Watching closely, Kevin can see a big cut on her hand and blood running down it, dripping off of her knuckles and down to the ground.
"They?" He asks himself, not knowing he's speaking out loud. "Again?" Only when she turns her head towards him does he realize that she must've heard him and he feels his heart sink, but the curiosity takes over. "Who's 'they'?"
Turning fully towards him, she fights the tears as she spews it all out. "Edd was hurt! I caught him with his shirt off, and he was covered in old and fresh bruises, but he refused to tell me who beat him up! I finally caught them and gave them the same things that they gave him; bruises, nose blood and broken bones. I gave them all a fair warning, but then Edd got angry at me. True that I was stupid and did the whole thing in front of him and his friends, but I was angry! I wanted them gone! But now… now he's gone! If they have gone after him again I will- I'm gonna-!" Grabbing her hairs like she did before, she growls loudly and incoherently, as if she doesn't know what to do. Spotting the car again she cries loudly before she punches the door, denting it and shakes some of the remains of the window off from the impact. All of her strength left with the cry, and as her eyes go blurry she falls to the ground, breathing heavily.
Hearing her heavy breathing, Kevin starts putting some of the pieces he's collected together, though he's still not sure he's got all of them – just enough to understand enough. Feeling a bit awkward after witnessing her basically lose her mind, he still begins to feel the need to offer her a hand, as he does recognize the feelings she showcases (although a little stronger than he's used to). Swallowing his fears down, he slowly approaches her and sits down next to her. "…you know…" He starts, not sure if she can hear him at all, but he keeps going nonetheless. "…my dad… well… he tends to get angry at mom a lot… very angry. It doesn't even have to be something big… just, if she misplaces his favorite coffee cup or if he thinks she doesn't vacuum well enough. Sometimes there isn't even something for him to get angry about, and that will somehow make him even more angry at her… she always looks so sad whenever he shouts at her, or breaks something... I just wish there was something I could do for her, other than just staying strong and keeping my grades up, like she asks me to." He pauses for a moment, thinking about the last fight they had where he broke a vase they had gotten as a gift at their wedding. She had cried so badly over it. "I… I mean… it sucks. It sucks real bad knowing that there really isn't anything you can do, no matter how much you may want to do something, you're just not powerful enough to make the impact needed for it to change. But… if you…if you want me to, then… I could, you know… help keep an eye out for him. You know, like, at school and… yeah."
She turns her head towards him, notices ho he's been avoiding looking at her since he started talking – too embarrassed. It's hard, it's really hard to talk about stuff like this with someone else, but… you need it. It's important.
Leaning back some, she reaches out and pulls him into a hug. His surprised squeak pulls a lighthearted chuckle out of her, and she holds him tighter, hoping to be able to give Edd the same kind of hug soon. "Kevin." She says, keeping her voice low and calm, knowing that her previous mental state must've shaken him at least some. "You're always welcome into our house." She whispers. "In the middle of the night, in the middle of a school day, if we're eating or using the freaking toilet… you will always be welcome to come and stay for as long as you want to, if it's for a night, a week or more."
He's silent for a moment, not sure how to read her actions. Does she mean it? He has bullied the Eds for a while but… maybe… A feeling of relief washes over him at the thought of having somewhere to go whenever things get heated, when his dad starts acting up. Tears make themselves known to him as he pulls himself deeper into the hug. "Thank you…" He whispers, doing his best to keep the tears away from seeing the light of day. He fails, but for some reason he feels okay to cry in front of her… like she isn't about to judge. It doesn't feel as humiliating as it usually does.
"Nah." She says and he feels his insides rot. She didn't mean it… "Thank you. There aren't many people out there who offer to help when they suffer greatly themselves, you know. You're one of a kind. A good kind."
His insides feel lighter, free of any rotting sensation. A sigh of relief escapes him as he allows himself to relax all his muscles and falls into her arms completely. He's unable to see her smile as she lifts her gaze up to look at the sky, as she hopes to be able and give Edd the same sense of safety and protection… someday, she hopes.
Song: Du är ånga – Kent
My favorite band – they're Swedish and don't make music anymore, but still.
Side note; I've decided to change the rating to M, just to be safe – the whole theme/plan for this story is dark, so it's not going to get brighter than this. I'm pretty sure you've figured out in what way. Nothing sexual… … … not in that way… though it's gonna be a looong while before we reach that.
I also need to buy a new computer mouse.
