As he thought, there was nothing he could do to help Ijin feel better. Granted, it's not like he thought he could help in the first place, there was virtually nothing that he could think of that even have the potential to help soothe the pain of being rejected by his very short-lived family. There was nothing he could say, absolutely nothing .

And although he wasn't surprised, he knew that Ijin withdrawing into himself didn't help at all. It was like they were meeting for the first time all over again. When Ijin was monotonous in almost every way possible and kept most if not all of his emotions carefully hidden away. Tucked away deep inside as if it was some sort of method of protection.

Though after the way his grandfather had kicked him out and made it thoroughly evident that he refused to have a proper conversation about the secrets Ijin had hidden, it was no wonder Ijin had become withdrawn again.

After all, it was his go-to coping method for almost half his life, his coping method when he was going through hell and a half.

Why wouldn't he fall back on that trusted method when the need arose?

It didn't mean that it was a good method. Not at all, it was one of the worst things a human could do to themselves. There was a reason why bottling everything up was so detrimental to one mental and physical health.

But it was the only thing Ijin knew.

Shutting down was just the only way Ijin knew that he wouldn't be hurt again.

And why wouldn't he do it when the people he had loved, the people he had planned to be with for the rest of his life? When his own grandfather had so cruelly pushed him away and out of their lives when he found out the truth about his upbringing.

Kang glanced over at Ijin, and he swore it looked like the young man had aged a few years over the past two days. The turmoil of emotions had truly taken its toll on Ijin, and honestly, he wouldn't be surprised if he found out that the kid had lost some weight in this short time span. The kid had completely and utterly withdrawn into himself at that point, and he had no choice but to just watch as he did that.

Even the quiet music from the radio wasn't enough to make it any less awkward as he threw the car into park. The way Ijin was running on what looked like autopilot just made it even worse. Silently, just as silent as he had been since yesterday morning, the teenager put on a mask, and then a cap, in which he proceeded to pull the brim as low as possible.

If this had been a normal day, a normal day when they were hanging out together, Ijin would have waited until the Major was leaving the car for him to leave as well. It was something he had learned to do out of politeness and up to that moment, Ijin was good at doing that.

Ijin left without looking back, and Kang found himself rushing to catch up with the teenager before he went into the apartment building. He kept on glancing over at Ijin as they walked inside, trying to keep some sort of idea of what the kid was thinking, or feeling, but the mask and cap was doing too much of a good job at hiding his face. He had no idea what to say, and honestly, he didn't think he could have thought of something comforting to say even if he had a few days in advance to think about it.

Instead, he just squeezed Ijins shoulder, quietly reminding the teenager that he was not alone and that he was right there with him. Ijin shuttered at the contact, but didn't pull away, he quietly nodded his head, and that was enough prompt for Kang to take away his hand.

They exited the elevator in silence, and upon walking up to Ijin's apartment, Kang didn't know if he wanted to be completely and utterly outraged, or completely heartbroken by what they saw.

It was clear who had packed what bags. There were the tote cloth bags that had everything neatly organized inside. It was clear that everything had been packed away lovingly and with care, the clothes were neatly folded, and the loose items were in their small plastic bags so they wouldn't be lost.

Then there were the garbage bags that were bulging. Kang already knew that everything had been stuffed inside carelessly just by the way the bag was shaped.

Considering that there were only two tote bags, Kang already knew that Dayeon had planned to pack all of Ijins stuff like that. Then at some point in time, her grandfather had either noticed or got fed up with how long she was taking before stuffing everything into the garbage bags and throwing them out the door.

There was something dehumanizing about the black trash bags being used. It was heartbreaking to see everything that Ijin had collected over the past year stuffed in trash bags as if it was nothing more than trash that was going to be taken to the dumpster.

Again, he glanced over at Ijin, who was just staring down at the bags, his expression still hidden under the masks. He couldn't even get an idea of what Ijin was feeling from his body language because, despite everything, Ijin still had everything carefully hidden away. His shoulders were just as tense as they had been all morning, and his fists were still clenched tightly at his side as if it was taking a great physical effort to keep himself from breaking.

It probably was.

Ijin was silent, and at that point, Kang would be happy even if the boy started spouting toe-curling curses that would have had his parents rolling in grave and sailors blushing at the vulgarities because at least it would be something.

Instead, Ijin just quietly picked up the tote bags and Kang quickly grabbed the remaining trash bags because there was no way in hell he was going to make the kid carry those himself.

Ijin didn't take off the cap and mask when they got into the car after loading everything up.

Kang couldn't bring himself to tell the kid to take it off.


It was okay.

It was tolerable.

It was a different type of pain, it was pain unlike any injury he had ever felt before. It was a type of pain that made him want to scream until his voice was raw, to scream until he physically couldn't anymore. It made him want to drag his nails down his arms until they drew blood. It made him feel like screaming as he pulled on his hair as he had seen so many people do before.

But at the same time, it made him feel exhausted as if he had been running around for days. It felt like a type of exhaustion where even if he just laid down for a few weeks straight, it wouldn't be enough to give him energy. It felt hard to breathe, a heavy pressure on his chest from seemingly nothing that made it difficult to muster up the energy to do anything.

It was a different type of pain.

But it was okay.

He was used to pain. He and pain, they were close companions, they knew each other far too well.

So it was okay.

It was difficult, but as long as he forced himself to look at everything like he did when he was a mercenary. It hurt less.

It's okay.

It's not ( definitely) the worst thing he's done to himself.

It's okay.

It had to be okay.

It had to be. He still had to get in contact with 006 and 032 so they could figure out what the hell they were going to do.

So meticulously, he carefully looked through all of the bags, picking the little clothes and items he was packing so he could leave. He knew that he was going to be hunted down at one point in time, there were multiple people and organizations that wanted him dead, so he needed to leave if he wanted to keep everyone safe.

So he was okay.

He had to be okay.

He got to the tote bags last, and it was like Dayeon had packed every little thing that he found important inside of them. His first plushie, his favorite food, she even managed to pack away his knives, fatigues, and Shemagh. His wallet and phone were in there too, but he wasn't too surprised when he saw that after three days, his phone was dead. He plugged it into the charger and set it aside to continue looking through the bags.

The only thing he didn't recognize was the folder.

He looked through the folder, and while he had been expecting some of his legal files, he was surprised when he saw handwritten letters. He skimmed through them, and he was forced to push down the emotions that welled up when he saw a group letter from Seokju, Yeona, Yeongchan, and Hyeokjin, all of them expressing their desire to remain friends with him despite what had been brought to light in their own, individual handwritten paragraph. The second letter was a very sincere, and heartfelt letter from Jaehyung apologizing for his words. On a paper that had endured the eraser more than once, Jaehyung acknowledged the damage his words had done, and more than once, he apologized in the letter.

He had to admit that he felt marginally better after reading their letters.

He did have to admit that he still felt some resentment towards Jaehyung for what he said, it had truly hurt him to hear that from one of his friends. But at the same time, he knew that Jaehyung was stubborn, and wouldn't have apologized unless he truly meant it.

Besides.

It was better than what his grandfather was doing at the moment.

Then he got to the third letter, and he recognized the neat handwriting of his younger sister that had a small envelope attached to it.

He took his time to read that one.

I don't know why grandpa is so mad at you.

He saw the same story that I did, we know that you didn't do anything willingly. But he's focusing on the fact that you lied to us more than anything.

I'm not mad that you lied to us. I lied to grandpa about school for a long time, and while it doesn't compare, I understand why you lied to us, and I would too.

Grandpa tried to get me to block your number, but I just changed your contact name to something else and blocked someone else's number. He's upset that I'm not reacting like him but I'm not going to give in.

I know you're a good person, and in the past year we've been together, you've been a great older brother. If you were really a bad person, you would have shown it a long time ago. But you're not, you're still the kind older brother that I remember from when I was a kid.

Text me when you get your phone.

I love you.

~Dayeon

Swallowing thickly to try and get rid of the knot in his throat, he opened the small envelope that had been stapled on. He shook it gently, and his breath caught in his throat when he realized what it was.

He and Dayeon were not big on pictures, so the picture they had together were far and in between. It's not like they were averse to them, just most of the time, they didn't remember to document their memories by taking pictures.

Yet, she got what little pictures they had together and printed them out in a small size, and put them in there. It was just the simple selfies they had taken together in the few moments when Dayeon had suggested taking a picture.

But it was enough to make a world of a difference for him.

A smile graced his lips as he carefully tucked the photos away in his wallet, taking care that he was placing them in a part where they wouldn't be folded, nor would they be able to fall out easily.

Following his sister's instructions, he grabbed his now on phone and opened the messaging app to text her.


Ijin: Hey

Tiny: FINALLY

Tiny: How are you doing?

Tiny: Sorry about your stuff, grandpa didn't let me pack everything away.

Tiny: He's being a jerk right now.

Ijin: Im fine and it's okay.

Ijin: Thanks for the pictures.

Tiny: I have more, I'll give you them when I see you at school.

Tiny: You are coming to school right?

Ijin: Can I call you?


Despite his asking, he called her almost immediately. He tapped his foot nervously as he waited for Dayeon to pick up, his stomach churning as he realized that he was going to have to tell his little sister that he wasn't going back to school.

That he was going to tell Dayeon that he couldn't see her and was going to leave the country until everything settled down again.

He had no idea how many people had seen the news article internationally, he had no idea who had seen the article. If he was lucky, which he almost never was, then none of his former enemies or teammates had seen it.

But he just knew that at least one of his former enemies had seen him.

He just knew that they were going to be hunting him down now that they knew that he had never died as Mad Dog had originally reported. He knew that now that it was known that he was alive after deserting the camp, they were going to go after his ass.

So he had to leave.

He hated the idea. He hated the thought of leaving the first home he had ever had, the first family he had ever had. But at the same time, he knew that he needed to leave if he wanted to keep the family he loved so much safe. He hated it, but it was something that was unavoidable. He had to leave.

She picked up the phone, and he find himself frowning when he heard her fumbling with the phone," Sorry." Her voice was hushed and it sounded like she had her mouth right next to the microphone," grandpa is in the living room, but uh… you're not coming back to school huh?"

He sighed heavily into the phone," Yeah," his voice nearly came out as a croak, after waking up to the sound of his grandfather kicking him out, he hadn't spoken," they know that I'm alive now, they're going to try and find me because I'm a deserter." She coughed, and based on her strained voice, he knew that she was trying her best to stay composed.

"Ok. I-" her voice cracked, and hearing firsthand the sorrow he was causing her made him want to break down,"… what's going to happen now?"

Swallowing thickly, he forced himself to tell the truth, to tell her what was really happening rather than the white lie's he had been doing for the past year," I…I have to leave the country," Upon hearing the sniffle on the other side of the line, he closed his eyes as he continued," I have a few friends in Japan, I'm going to lay low with them until all of this blows over." That was assuming that no one at the airport or customs recognized him. But he was hoping that they didn't, because as long as they didn't know him, or someone else in the article, they shouldn't remember him.

"Do…do you really have to go?" She cleared her throat again, and she tried to have a light tone in her voice as she added on," Who's going to open jars for me? Or lock the balcony door?" Despite her best attempts, her voice cracked again, and Ijin found him resisting the urge to punch something out of frustration that he was the one that was making her cry.

"How many people at school have recognized me from the article?" At that moment, her silence was loud," It's only going to be a matter of time until they track me down. The earlier I leave, the safer it'll be for me, and you. I don't want you and grandpa to be in danger. Besides," His throat was painfully tight at that point, and it took every ounce of willpower to keep his voice steady," You're a big girl, you can close the balcony door yourself." Dayeon let out a strangled mix of a chuckle and a suppressed sob as he repeated what he told her every time she asked him to close the balcony door.

"Okay," He could hear the tears in her voice alone, and he could vividly imagine her staring down at the ground, her bottom lip in between her teeth as she tried to keep herself together," Okay. I want to see you before you leave. I won't forgive you if you leave without saying goodbye. I can move out when I turn 20, you can live with me if you haven't come back by then." Even though he could hear the sorrow in her voice, even though he could hear how much she was struggling to keep herself together.

Just hearing the conviction in her voice to see him soothed the pain his own grandfather had caused. Grandfather may have completely and outrightly rejected him.

But at least he knew that Dayeon would have his back in this regard. Granted, he wasn't happy with the idea of Dayeon moving out and leaving their grandfather alone, but at least he knew that she didn't hold his past against him.

"Okay," he could hear her sigh of relief on the other side," I still have to figure everything out, I'll let you know when I sort everything out. And don't move out, I know grandpa can take care of you. He'll do anything to protect you." It really was painfully obvious that his grandfather would truly do anything to protect her, and as much as it hurt, he knew that Dayeon would be safer with their grandfather than with him," And I will come back Dayeon, I'll be gone for a year at the most, but I will come back home."

There was another sniffle," Okay," He hated the way she sounded so sad. He hated the way he was making his ever-so-happy and positive sister sound like that.

"Um."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you Dayeon…really. Because of where I…grew up, I didn't understand the concept of family…I used to think it was weird to sacrifice yourself for someone else. I guess I used to be selfish to think like that. but…you and grandfather made me understand why they would do that." Just thinking about the kindness his grandfather and sister extended to him when he first arrived made him choke up just a little bit, especially when he compared it to his current situation," Just…thanks for being a good sister, and thank you for everything."

She let out a wet chuckle," Don't thank me for something like that," Her voice was still quiet, but now there was a somewhat firm tone in her voice," I would have done it even if we had grown up together so…don't thank me for that…Just come back."

He nodded as if she could have seen it," I will. I'll figure out when I'm leaving, probably in a few days."

She hummed in agreement," Text me when you do. I figure out something to sneak away an-No!"

"Who are you talking to?!" His breath caught in his throat when he heard the sound of the phone being wrestled away, as the microphone was knocked against whatever in the struggle," Hello?"

Despite the angry tone, his grandfather had moments before, his tone was calm again and Ijin felt a pang in his stomach. Grandfather just heard Dayeon making plans to sneak out with what he thinks is a stranger, and yet, he had a kinder tone towards the stranger than his own grandson.

"I…" That single syllable was enough for his grandfather to figure out who he was, and he felt another sharp pang when he heard a sound of revulsion on the other side. He blurted out," Stop avoiding me! " he was desperate to get the older man to understand why he had done what he had done, desperate to be accepted by his grandfather once again," Why haven't you talked to me? Why…I don't understand grandpa…" he truly didn't understand.

He didn't understand why his grandfather was reacting that way, why his grandfather was avoiding him like he was some type of disease-infected illegitimate child.

He didn't understand why the loving man was so cold to him. It was silent on the other side, and then he heard a very cold "Do-yun." He knew exactly what his grandfather meant by stating his name at that moment. He knew what his grandfather wanted to do.

Still, he tried. "Granp-"

" ." He had been coldly cut off by the gritted words, and it felt like the wounds that Dayeon had managed to soothe were being violently ripped open again. It felt like new wounds were being created as his grandfather all but said that the family relation they had was no more.

His lip started trembling, but he relished the way the pain of biting it grounded him once again,"…I'm sorry…I…I should have told you but," he didn't know what else his grandfather wanted from him. At that point. He was just pulling at straws,"…I didn't know how. I'm not proud of what I did but I had no choice…I was just nine, and I couldn't remember anything. I was just trying to survive…" and that was the truth. He had never been proud of what he had done, he had never been proud of the way he was 001.

The only thing he was proud of was deserting the camp.

Yet, despite his apology and an attempt at an explanation, his grandfather's words were cold," You should have known better. "

His silence was loud at that moment.

" Even a child knows that hurting others is wrong. A child knows that causing pain onto others is wrong. "It felt like someone was pushing down on his chest the more his grandfather talked. His heart beating heavily against his ribcage.

"But…"

" You have no excuse."

His lip started trembling again, and he never felt smaller and so insignificant as he tried to defend himself," I…I had…I didn't…" The worst part was that he truly did not have a choice.

"You should have died with your parents if you were only going to do such a thing." That made his heart skip a beat. It felt like someone had knocked the air out of his lungs, it felt like the hand that had been twisting his stomach was now trying to make it burst in a vice grip.

Tears welled up, the cruel statement was more than enough to make his repressed emotions well up in full force," No…grandpa…please don't-"

Please don't say that.

" Don't call again. Do not contact us again." Dayeon was protesting in the background, and it felt like someone was physically tearing his heart out.

"Please…" the taste of copper filled his mouth as he finally bit his lip too hard in an attempt to still it.

His voice was still as cold as he remembered it," Your presence is not welcome." Dayeon's voice was louder, and he could hear the phone being jumbled around.

"I-I-"

" Give it!"- " We don't need you in our lives." Dayeon's cry was the last thing he heard before the call ended.

A wet sob was ripped from his throat, hot tears poured down his cheeks as the pain of being rejected for the third time set in. As the realization that he was never going to be loved by his grandfather again set in.

It hurt.

It hurt to overhear his grandfather's conversations with Dayeon and Major Kang, but it hurt so much more to hear his grandfather rejected in a direct conversation.

It hurt far more than Jaehyung's words, it hurt more than any injury he had ever felt. All he could do was bite on his knuckles and suppress the anguished scream he so desperately wanted to let out. To suppress the cries and sobs he wanted to let out because as much as he loved the Major, all he wanted to do was be alone at the moment.

He must have been louder than he thought, or maybe Major Kang had been lingering right outside of the door, because mere seconds after he let out the initial sob, the older man was coming into the room, ready to comfort him.

Initially, Ijin recoiled at his touch, he was nowhere near prepared to be touched when he was in such an emotional state. But despite the way he was batting away the Major's hands in a weak attempt to defend himself, the older man didn't give up.

Kang held him tightly, his hand cradling the back of his head as his other arm pulled him into a tight and unforgiving hug. Yet, he couldn't muster up the energy to hug the man back, all he could do was lean into the man's hold and grab onto the Major's shirt hem in an attempt to ground himself further.

His sobs were loud, he felt like a child crying in his father's arms, just a small and defenseless child who relied on an adult to comfort them.

Never had he cried so loud and hard, to the point where he couldn't take in a breath without it being interrupted by a sob. But yet, despite the pathetic way he was acting, Major Kang didn't push him away, nor did he become impatient. Instead, the man just hugged him and rubbed soothing circles into his back which only made him cry even harder when his mind helpfully supplied that Kang was treating him better than his own grandfather.

The words of his grandfather kept on cycling through his head, the way his grandfather had inferred that it would have been better if he had died with his parents than survive and become a child soldier, than surviving and coming back home.

Many people had wished for his death, many people had told him right to his face how exactly they were going to kill him. But yet, none of their words hurt more than his very own grandfather regretting the fact that he had survived.

Never had words hurt more.

Never had he felt like such a mistake.