Anthony's P.O.V.-

I don't talk about it. I don't think about it, and I don't talk about it. I never bring up how heartbroken I am to have lost my dad, my hero, at such a young age; how watching him die messed me up in so many ways. I never mention how insanely angry and resentful I am at my mother, who basically shut down after Dad died, leaving me to handle absolutely everything, even his goddamn funeral. I never consider how essentially all of my siblings expect me to act as a surrogate father, dealing with the bills and household management while they get to go out into the world and enjoy their lives without a care in the world. I never contemplate any of that anymore. I just do it- I just exist. My feelings and desires clearly aren't important enough for anyone to care about. I'm the supporter, I'm the provider, I'll the pillar of this family now.

And I'm so unspeakably unhappy.

Course that doesn't matter, and I don't dwell on that either. I've gotten pretty good at managing my emotions, and by that I mean pushing them down until they barely register in my brain anymore. It's easy; with as much experience as I've had suppressing one's true feelings, I can do it without a second thought now. Most of the time I can maintain my composure quite well. There's only the odd occasion…

Whenever I see anyone in danger or get hurt, it's suddenly like I'm that teenage boy again watching my father's life leave his eyes before me. This overwhelming sensation of helplessness and despair overcome me, and I can hardly breathe. I forget myself, and break down into a panic attack if its bad. Course this is a vulnerability I never show to anyone; it's just another thing I bottle up inside. Or that was the case…..

Until she came along.

It was early in the evening and I'd just gotten some paperwork done. Mom was down at our estate in Bath for the season already with the younger kids, and us older Bridgertons would make our way down there in a few weeks' time. Until then they were out who knows where, doing god knows what in the city of London. I was the only responsible one, staying home and making sure everything was in order for every member of the family. But it was done now. The bills were all paid, all the staff were accounted for, and I had a rare evening off by myself. Closing my desk drawer I gazed out the window wistfully. Ah, I'd better enjoy this bachelor freedom while it lasts. Marriage was the last thing on my mind but Mom was starting to get on my case about a grandchild and heir to the Bridgerton title and estate. Yippy. Another generation to be born, suffer tremendously, then die before their time. The kindest thing would be to stop the cycle with me, but alas, my family's more selfish than that. So I picked a random girl on the internet to get her off my back. I wanted a marriage like this; I'd pay her to stay away from me. The last thing I want is for my wife to suffer like my mom suffered when Dad died. No, I'll never be the cause of that much pain and grief. Life is already hard enough; I don't need to make it more difficult for someone else.

Since it was still light outside, I decided to use this rare free time to go out for a walk. I loved walking; not that I got to do it much when the family was all home. I got changed and set out, not leaving a note in case the others got back and wanted to get a hold of me for some reason; I did bring my silenced phone, though.

Walking alongside the Thames, I breathed in deeply. The air didn't smell particularly great, but it was just nice to be out of my stuffy office. The pavement was empty, devoid of other people, which I found unusual but not particularly unwelcoming. As I continued to walk, I tried not to dwell on things. It was quiet, and I just wanted to relish the atmosphere.

Now, this might have been providence, but I turned my head in just that second down the right side of the sidewalk. My eyes grew in surprise to see this girl on a bike barrelling towards me, seemingly unaware of my presence blocking her way. Her head was tossed back and she was wearing a smile ear-to-ear, like she was really enjoying herself. Me, however…

"Hey, watch out!" I heard my mouth shout before I had time to issue the order for it to do so. Her head immediately lowered down in reflex and I watched in horror as her hands turned the handlebar. There she was, riding and soon crashing into a nearby pole sticking out of the ground. My stomach was in my throat as she flew off her bike, landing on the ground in front of her- hard. She laid there, and that familiar, internal panic overcame me. I was the helpless, frightened teenage boy again, and I couldn't breathe…. All I was consciously aware of was the fact that she was bleeding, and I had to go to her. My feet took on a life of their own, and I showed a vulnerability to her I'd never allowed anyone else to see before.

Diving down onto my knees, I got very near the whimpering creature, arms extended. "Are you alright, miss?!" "Ow…." My heart sped up ten-fold at this little "ow". Oh my god, she's injured! What am I going to do?! How can I help her?! "Is your knee broken? Can you move it?" I heard myself ask again. Her lips parted a sliver after hissing in agony again. "I-I don't think it's broken…" She touched her knee once more and hissed louder this time. Panic took over my entire body again as I frowned, trying to maintain my heart rate lest my vision start to go blurry. No….. Not again. I'm not going to stand by watch another person suffer while I do not. Not again. I couldn't help Dad, but I can help her. I'll never be so useless again.

Never again.

I wanted to grab her, scoop her up in both my arms but refrained…. somehow. Instead, I merely inched closer to her in an attempt to calm myself down. "You need to go to the hospital. I'll call an ambulance," yeah, that's good. I'll help her that way; I'll be of use to her. But my panic began to surge again as her gorgeous hand raised up to stop me, making me almost blow a blood vessel. "I-I'm fine; nothing's broken. I don't need to go to the hospital." What? WHAT?! The hell you don't! You just expect me to stand around and do nothing? No! Absolutely not! If I can assist you, I will! I'm not going to have another panic attack- I refuse!

My hand actually extended to grab her, to touch her for the first time. My brain was working on autopilot now, terrified to give control back to my conscious thinking. "I'll be the judge of that. Stand up; let me get a good look at you."

That's when something shocking- utterly shocking- happened. Never before had I ever experienced anything like this. The instant my hand pressed up against her skin, I felt….. I felt calmer….. lighter. I hadn't felt this way since Dad hugged me, embraced me before he died. But I'd never experienced that sort of relaxation, that sort of mental relief from another person besides him before… I didn't even know this girl! And yet, it was undeniable, unmistakable. She felt warm in my hand, and I instantly calmed down. My inner panic was subsiding, and my blood flow was slowing back to normal. I couldn't explain it, but I just felt…. better. That's the best word to describe it: better. I hadn't felt that close to anyone since Dad… and I never expected to again either.

And don't come at me with "that sounds like some Disney, fairy-tale, magic bullshit that you only see in movies and doesn't happen in real life". I don't care! This was real! I'm sure there's some scientific explanation behind it, but it genuinely happened. I felt better, calmer at another person's touch. And nothing anyone says can ever take that away…..

Not like I'd ever tell anyone anyway; just another thing to lock away in the Anthony secret vault.

After a sheer second of awe, I proceed to scan her for injury, this mysterious miraculous woman. That's when I also noticed how beautiful she was, but that came second in my mind. The fact that she made me feel calmer than anyone else I've ever met besides Dad stood out front and centre, especially considering we'd barely said two words to each other. Imagine my relief then, when no injuries were apparent, minus a minor scrape on her one knee. That was pure, sudden relief I also wasn't used to, filling me like water. I looked back to her eyes, and let myself breathe without restraint. Ok… She's alright.

Thank god she's alright.

It took everything I had to remove my hand from her. The instant I did, reality came crashing back. Concern began to take over my mind as I stayed very near her, ready to catch her in case she fell or needed support. I wasn't impressed with the scenario we found ourselves in; I mean, who rides a bike without a helmet? I'm so lucky…. I mean she's so lucky she didn't get even more hurt. What if I wasn't here? My insides started quivering in fear. What if this happens again and I'm not here…..? No! Not going to happen! I won't let it happen!

I gave her a grave, stern glare, putting both my hands on my hips like I did with my siblings when they annoyed me- which was often. I made her look directly at me again. "What's the matter with you? How did you not see me? We're the only two on the sidewalk!" I shouldn't be THAT hard to miss!

"Erm…. Uh….?" She blinked at me with a sort of weird, taken aback expression, which made me regret how harsh I sounded just now. But no! This was important, and I don't want her to get hurt in the future! Stay firm, Anthony! You're the master of your emotions; you feel nothing! My back straightened up slightly as I forced myself to continue scolding her. "If you're going to bike, at least ride with your eyes open. You're not even wearing a helmet for Christ's sake!" Her hands shot up defensively. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to run into you," god, the sound of her voice…. That calms me down too. What's with this girl?! Seriously! What makes her so goddamn different? So goddamn….. relaxing? It's just like back with Dad…

Wanting to save face, I huffed giving my head a firm shake. "That much is evident. Do us both a favour and wear a helmet next time. I should hope you learn something from this," yeah, you tell her, Anthony. She's bound to listen to you now, right? But I felt this weird, bizarre mixture of irritation and pleasure when she suddenly flashed me a mocking smirk, crossing her arms out in front of her. This pleasure was also brand new to me as well….. It was like a good taste in my mouth, and I wanted more.

The girl smirked at me keenly. "Despite what you might think, I CAN ride a bike." Wait…. What's happening? Is she….. being defiant? Huh, that's strange; my brain and body aren't reacting with that usual sense of annoyance and wariness. That odd, good taste inside my mouth is becoming more prominent, like honey and oddly rose petals. She said that, and I swore I could taste honey…

What the hell is wrong with me?! First she makes me super calm, and now there's this good taste permeating my mouth, growing stronger with every word she says, every gesture she makes? That's never happened before! I think I'm broken… But what am I supposed to do now? I did what I always did in these sorts of unexplainable situations- repress my feelings and dominate the scene. People want me to take charge and make sure everything's ok for the family? I can do that here too. Back on my mask went, though it was hard to keep it from slipping. I eyed her, trying to appear dominate.

"The evidence proves to the contrary. Don't get on that thing again until you've had the gears checked. Walk it the rest of the way home," I commanded, sensing that taste of honey disappear. But it immediately returned when she countered back. "You don't know how far I live from here." Oh yeah, she's right. Damn. Well uh….. Come on, Anthony; stay in control. You've got this; you've got this. Don't get distracted with something so stupid as "positive emotions". Stay in charge, stay in charge…. "That's because I don't care. Walk it, unless you'd like me to call a cab for you." And I felt all my organs tremble when she obviously tried to hold back a smile- an act that brought back that rush of calmness, of tranquillity inside of me….. "I don't need any more help from you, thank you," she finished, walking back over to her poor excuse of a bicycle. My eyes trailed her every step as I finally- only very briefly- let the floodgates open and just dwelled in the calm that was my body and brain now. I hadn't felt this relaxed since god knows when…

And I smiled since god knows when.

"Big talk from someone who caused this mess in the first place. You're lucky I'm taking this so well, considering that I'm the victim here," I kept talking just to maintain some sort of conversation with her, this nameless girl. That honey, rose taste on my tongue and in between my cheeks grew stronger when she gazed back my way. "I… appreciate your "kindness", and I truly am sorry. But you don't need to worry about me; I can take care of myself. Thanks again for your consideration." My smirk widened on its own accord, relishing that sweet sensation currently in my mouth. Oh you can, can you? I had this innate desire to suddenly put her on a leash- metaphorically speaking-, to keep her as close to me as possible. I'm sure you can take care of yourself, princess, but it's easier for me if I just do it for you…. instead of standing by and watching you do it.

This thought, this desire also caught me off guard. Wait, no….. That's not right. I'd never felt that way about anyone before, and she's right! She IS a grown woman who can take care of herself. Just think of your mom and Daphne. Why should she be any different from them? But I stared back at the girl, my chest and cheeks growing internally warm. But she is different….. I don't know who she is, but she's the first person I've met who reminds me of Dad…. and what it was like to be happy before any of this. I couldn't stop myself smirking, or hiding a genuine smile behind a smirk.

"You sure you're alright? Didn't hit your head back there, did you?" I teased and she shot me a look. "You'd know if I had," her smile again….. Her heart-stopping smile. I just loved looking at it. It's like when she smiled at me, when I touched her skin, I knew everything would be ok. She was a panic-relief kit in the form of a person….. and all without her knowing. Before I realized what I was doing, I was trailing behind her a few feet, like I was desperate not to lose this good sensation, this sweet taste all over my mouth so soon. Just to save face- again- I forced myself to say something like I usually would to anyone, and that was typically bossing them around.

"I meant what I said earlier. Don't let me catch you on that rubbish pile you call a "bike" again tonight." "Heh, you like telling people what to do, don't you?" Oh no! She's caught on. Normally people don't question my façade. Oh well, might as well lean into it; anything to keep her here for a few more moments… I might never have this sweet taste again once she goes.

"Why shouldn't I? Clearly I know more about bicycle safety than you do," actually I highly doubt that; I haven't been on a bike in years. She glanced over her shoulder at me and our eyes cemented on each other. "Says you. But don't worry; I won't crash again anytime soon," these were her last words to me. I didn't respond, simply beholding her- this magical, mythical entity. She took off, and just as expected, that sweet taste was immediately gone and my nerves came back in full force again. I just stood there, staring down the sidewalk where she'd disappeared down.

Who was she, that girl? I'll likely never find out, but man! What a woman! There aren't many like her around. In fact, I bet she's her own mould, her own breed- she's not one in a million. She's one of a kind. A rarity indeed, and one I'll never find a match to. Oh, if only I could marry someone like her… Someone who can make me feel so calm and less panicked. My smile began to fade as reality really set in again. My hands clasped behind my back, squeezing tightly together; so tight that it almost hurt.

But…. no. I could never do it. I could never allow myself to be with anyone who makes me so happy, who makes me forget myself. I'll most likely outlive my wife, and I could never imagine causing her the sort of sorrow my dad's death caused my mom. She's too good for that….. Has too much good in front of her. I could never dream of hurting my wife like that. No, I could never marry someone so marvellous; it would be too selfish, too heartless of me. I have to marry somebody I don't care about, and who doesn't care about me…. lest the horrible happen.

Still, this gentle, warm smile crossed my lips as I continued to watch in her direction. I'm glad I got to experience it once, just once more. I hadn't been that peaceful, that unburdened since Dad died, and I never expected to feel that way again. She gave me a real instance of bliss, and I'm just so incredibly grateful….. I'll never see her again, but I'm just so glad, so joyful that I got to be near her, speak to her once- just once. I won't forget today, or that good sensation inside my mouth. I'll remember that sweet honey, rose taste for the rest of my life…

After a few minutes I went straight back home and hid out in my office, listening to The Turtles' song "Happy Together" on repeat for hours.