And so I ended up going to the bathhouse with Daphne the next day. It's bizarre. A piece of me kinda hoped Anthony might be joining me, er us! What's even more bizarre with the fact that he's been avoiding me ever since that game of croquet, and I couldn't understand why. I must have been quietly contemplating this all afternoon since my new friend picked up on the fact I was being quiet, despite being in my favourite place in Bath. We were in the room where the athletes took their cold plunges after training; an empty massive tub now. I was standing by it, staring down into it blankly when Daphne approached my side. She grinned at me and then glanced down at the barren bath.
"Fascinating, isn't it? That they could have built something like this so long ago…" "Or the fact that it's survived this long," I grinned back at her. Her head lowered a tad. "Some things were meant to last. Heh, it's funny; I never really thought about a legacy of any sort until I got married and had my son. I never understood the concept of "permanence" before they came along." "You mean before you became a mother?" I questioned, assuming she couldn't mean her marriage, but she looked back at me somewhat curiously. "Well yes, and also before I got married. It's like… It's like I became a totally different person when I met Simon, like he was my other half I never knew I was missing….. I became whole with him," she smiled to herself as if remembering something pleasant. I watched her a moment before peering back into the tub, my own grin slowly fading.
"I don't feel that way. I feel whole as I am; that I don't need someone else to "complete" me. Not that your experience isn't valid! Of course it is. I just can't… relate to it," my eyes lowered intently. Daphne peered over in my direction again. "I understand. It usually takes meeting that special someone to realize what you've been missing." My forefinger twitched a little. "That's assuming that that "special someone" is out there. My dad never found her, and he was so angry at himself for ever trying…" There was a pause here while Daphne patiently waited for me to go on, which I did after a long second.
"I believe you when you say that you love your husband, but I've never seen that kind of "love" before. For a long time I was convinced that it didn't exist. Maybe that's me walling up my heart, but there's just so much to lose if you pick the wrong person… even if they seem right at the time. My dad told us that there was no doubt in his mind whatsoever when he married my mom; he believed with every inch of his being that they'd be together forever," I paused here again to suck in a breath. My arms were quivering, as were my lips, and I just needed a moment to breathe. Remembering all this was painful…..
Tremendously painful.
"He changed when things didn't work out….. He regretted his marriage so much. He said if he had to do it over again, he would cause he got Edwina and I out of the deal, but that would be a great sacrifice on his part. "Marriage is work", he repeated to us over and over when we were kids. He told me to be smarter than him, to keep my feet on the ground and not make the same mistakes. Love is an illusion two people indulge in for a brief amount of time, but like anything else it fades away over time. That's just the reality of the situation…. And the way I see it there is enough in life to get through already; I don't need something else on my plate, especially when it can be avoided."
I was hugging myself now, almost forgetting Daphne's presence still there beside me. She didn't say anything for a long time, just staying there at my side. Eventually she let her lips fall open a tad. "Why are you thinking about all this now? Where did all that come from?" My head gradually twisted in her direction, a bit taken aback by this query. "Huh?" "You just got into Oxford, and you told me before that you weren't considering getting into a relationship since you're starting PhD soon. Why would you remember all of that stuff your dad said unprompted? Is it because your sister's getting married soon?"
She asked me this and I finally smiled back at her, relaxing my shoulders a bit. "No. Believe it or not, Edwina's less romantic than me; she never even once considered marrying for love. No, she's always known what she's wanted….. I thought I did too, but I've…. been feeling weird lately." "Oh?" Daphne's eyebrow raised and my grin expanded on its own freewill. "Your brother vexes me greatly."
Daphne's eyes immediately widened in comprehension of my coated statement. I merely turned my head away, letting my eyes linger out in space. Another lull in the conversation overfell us. Daphne looked thrilled….. and like she didn't know what to think, moving her gaze this way and that rapidly.
"Do you….. think you have feelings for Anthony?" She finally managed to get out. I wanted to shake my head but shrugged my shoulders instead. "I don't know….. though it doesn't matter either way. He's engaged to my sister and despite my not believing in romantic love, I do believe in fidelity. I expect him to be entirely loyal to her….. regardless of how I may feel. Besides… I think he's kind of angry at me," the palms of my hands pressed into my thighs overtop my jeans. Daphne blinked at me startled. "Angry at you?! What makes you think that?" My shoulders shrugged again. "Maybe because I fell into the mud," though something inside me told me that's not it. The eldest Bridgerton girl watched me so severely, perplexedly before glancing out into nowhere, clearly thinking to herself.
"I doubt that's it…." "You're probably right," a side-grin crept over my lips. She huffed, lowering her arms down at her sides. "That Anthony. He ruins everything!" "Heh, well we can agree on that," I chuckled, peering over her way again. Daphne let out a sigh, lowering her chin a little. "Don't take it personally. It's nothing you've done, I promise you that much. Anthony's….. always been moody….. ever since our dad died. That really hit him hard." "Were he and your dad close?" "Oh, Dad was closer with Anthony than any of us! N-Not that he didn't love my siblings and I; Dad just saw a lot of himself in Anthony. He was his pride and joy… They did everything together," her head turned forward. Huh, and she wasn't jealous? I do see how the prior viscount's death must have been so traumatizing for Anthony- the poor guy. He and I shared that in common too…..
We both glanced back at the empty tub for like the hundredth time. A silence befell us, each of us thinking, dwelling on our own thoughts and reflections. But given a comfortable amount of time, Daphne peered back my way, smiling softly- much like her brother when he was relaxed.
"Don't worry, Kate. I have an idea of what's wrong with Anthony, and it's not your fault- heh, sort to speak. He's like you in that he's never been in love either, and he'd likely have no clue what to do with himself if he was. Anthony's like a turtle; he reverts back into his metaphorical shell at the first sign of peril. You think you have walls up around your heart? His are miles higher than yours, I assure you," she stopped here, smiling to herself and lowering her head gently.
"We're all a little broken. You, me, Anthony….. Heh, and don't get me started on Simon's issues; I could write a book about that. Your dad was right- marriage is work. Every so often Simon and I find little faults and imperfections with each other, and we quibble. It isn't easy… But that doesn't make me not want to do it. I'm stronger when we're together than apart. So you fall out of love every so often…" Daphne paused here to look me in the eye, beaming brightly.
"The trick is to find someone you keep falling in love with."
"Daphne…" My eyes widened. Her eyes tenderly shut for a moment as she leaned in closer, pressing her side into mine. I in turn mirrored her smile, leaning up against her. She sighed heavily, calmly, and I sucked in a deep breath, letting myself fully relax now. I felt safe with her too…. This kind, kind woman.
She sighed again, keeping her eyes closed in a contented posture. "Please be patient with Anthony. Underneath all that baggage, he's really a sweet, gentle boy….. Just like he used to be when Dad was alive." "I think I've seen that sweet boy, that gentle side of him a couple of times before….." Back when he's smiled at me without reservation, or when he's sighed in complete and utter relief. Daphne's smiled grew organically. "You sure you don't like him?" "How can I? He's marrying Edwina. What I want or how I feel doesn't matter….." At least from a moral perspective. And Daphne slowly began to flutter her eyes back open.
"I'd be willing to bet that Anthony would say to the contrary."
