Not even a second had I been in the guestroom I was staying in than did Edwina come tearing through the door. I was so startled that I almost dropped my backpack, now empty of its contents. Her breathing was hot and heavy, like she'd been running, and she did NOT look happy. I just stood there, ogling back gobsmacked and utterly confused.
"What did you do?!" That was a familiar line I'd heard before. I blinked perplexed and speechless. "Uhhhhhhh….?" "I just saw Anthony out in the courtyard! Apparently he's booked you a train back to London!" "He has?!" My eyes widened, unsure exactly how to feel. In reality going back to London would be the best move for me, and especially if Edwina stayed here in Bath; give me some really good days to start some preliminary PhD research. But….. Where the heck was this coming from? The last words Anthony said to me were- and I quote- "Stop it! Don't apologize." So…. Did I do anything wrong here? Since the croquet game, where he cradled me in his arms like a princess, we hadn't spoken two words to each other. I knew he was mad at me….. For what, I'm not sure; all I knew was that he was upset about something. But I didn't know I'd messed up enough to be shipped back to London ahead of time like this. Was this a happy accident? Already this lump started forming in the back of my cotton throat…..
Sure didn't feel that way, if it was.
Edwina was fuming; I'd rarely seen her this incensed before. Her forefinger lifted up to point into the air in an accusatory gesture. "One thing…. I asked you to do ONE thing! I told you to try and get along with Anthony!" "We have been! Or at least….. I thought we had," my eyes scrolled downward a bit. Her eyes flashed like she wanted to strangle me just then. "Then why he is sending you back to London?! We were supposed to come to Bath together! You were supposed to stay here with me!" "Whoa, Edwina; calm down," my arms raised a little but she angrily stomped her foot on the ground, zooming her fist back down to her side.
"Don't tell me to calm down! I'm not the one who screwed up here! What did you do?! Did you say anything to him?" "U-Uh, no! Not anything…. I thought was bad. I don't know why he's mad at me, Edwina," my hand rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably. Her nostrils flared. "You don't know? You have no idea?" "No….. Not really," I shrugged and her back arched up irate; her arms were shaking.
"Well I've got news for you! He IS mad! Or at least I think he is….. He must be! Why else would he want you to leave?!" "I-I don't know," my tone was growing defensive and she huffed bitterly, bringing her fingers up to pinch the bridge of her nose as she closed her eyes. "All I asked is that you guys get along; that's all I wanted from you, Kate. This one simple thing….."
That irked me. My brow furrowed as I started to glare back in her direction, my own fingers curling into fists. "No, that is NOT all you wanted from me. May I remind you that I wanted to stay in Vienna for the summer? I wanted to stay in our apartment downtown there. But nooooooooo! We had to move to London- together! You could have moved by yourself and let me stay behind, but you didn't! You insisted that I come with you!" "Because you're starting PhD in the fall, Kate! And I'm getting married! God forbid I want one last summer with my sister before we live apart forever!" Her arms flew up emotionally. My arms also lifted more. "You're a grown woman, Edwina! You don't need me around anymore! I've got my own life to live!"
"Yeah, well newsflash: not all of us are going to Oxford! Not all of us want to be career women! I know Dad hoped that we'd both go to university and be entirely independent, but I'm sorry; that's just not the life I want to live! I want the life Anthony is offering me!" "I know you do! And I've never once judged you for it!" I screamed back. "No, but you're making things difficult for me! I'm not like you, Kate! There is no backup option for me! There's only so many rich, single men out there, and I'm so lucky to have found one before you start school. All I ask is that you don't mess this up for me!"
"I'm not messing anything up! This is YOUR relationship, YOUR engagement! I should have nothing to do with it! I shouldn't even be here right now- I should be in Oxford focusing on securing my own future!" "You can do that when we get home from Bath!" "Why am I even here, Edwina?! What was the purpose of me coming here in the first place? Anthony's already your fiancé; it's done. There's nothing else I can do for you."
"I just want Anthony to like you, Kate! Yes, we're engaged, but that's a tentative arrangement. I've got so much riding on this; my whole financial future depends on us getting married. So please… Please try! I know I've asked you this before but please try to make it work with him. You two can't stand each other- I get that. But this is MY future on the line. Yours is already arranged; I'll never have the same security as you until we're married. Please, Kate…. Please."
She finished pleading and I just stared back at her silent for a moment. My mouth began to open unconsciously but nothing came out right away. What was I supposed to say to that? How could I possibly reply…..? That uncomfortable, oversized lump was still in the back of my throat, but my head lowered in slow comprehension. This was this first time I'd ever felt disappointed in Edwina; like consciously, wholly aware of my deep disappointment. Daddy always preached an anti-love message to us, which she's obviously internalized, but not the independence accompanying it. He didn't want us to rely on men in our adult lives, but to be self-sufficient. And I want to note here that there's nothing wrong with homemakers or stay-at-home moms; I had no issue with them. But that's assuming that they love their husbands. Edwina didn't even seem to like Anthony much, let along love him. She was using him just as much as he was using her, if not more so. That left a sour taste in my mouth….. They were never really looking at each other. Edwina didn't see Anthony for who he was.
She only saw what he could give her.
And Anthony….. He's no better. He's proven time and time again that he has no interest in my sister. He just wants a wife he can up and leave whenever he wants. But where does he intend to go when he leaves his future wife and children? What else in life can he be looking for, searching for? Or maybe a better question is what is it he's running away from? Daphne said he was broken… Could we be broken in a similar sort of way? I could only fathom….. All I did know for now is that Anthony never looked directly at my sister. In fact, I'd never seen Anthony look directly at anybody. It's like his eyes were desperately trying to remain closed in this self-imposed darkness. It's like an abyss, an endless chasm he's thrown himself into, and absolutely refuses to leave. It's his safe haven, despite eating his very soul and destroying his ability to see. Yes, he's never once looked right at Edwina, and I'm beginning to doubt that he ever will. Whenever he does open his eyes on rare occasion, he always looks to something far beyond his reach, far beyond, far higher than my sister. My lips began to tremble.
So why is it that whenever Anthony dares to open his eyes, he sees me?
