"They were both adamant that it was a bee sting, but I could have sworn that it was a hickey."
I remember… I've heard real, true instances of happiness, of profound joy in my life. All the movies and romance books will tell you that the greatest pleasure one can experience is an intimate moment with another person, but that's not what I've found. There was this unmitigating sense of happiness, of ecstasy walking through the fields of France, or along the beach in Malaga. I remember the first time I saw Notre Dame, or the endless tulip fields in Holland. Riding a bus through the alps or eating gelato in Italy. Yes, I've lived; I'm lucky enough to say that at my tender age, I've already experienced so much. True, I have had my fair share of pain in the process, but there has been genuine happiness throughout too.
Maybe that's why I was satisfied, contented with my life. I was honest back when I told Daphne that I felt whole in of myself; I felt "complete" as is. I knew I could be unspeakably happy on my own; I'd experienced it several times before, and it had nothing to do with a man. In fact, I felt really lucky, like I was one of the rare individuals who got to truly enjoy the little pleasures of the world with no ties or other calls upon my time. How fortunate am I to have had these phemonological experiences? I never felt like anything was missing. Love and romance couldn't bring me more joy than I already had, but they could definitely take away from it. That's why I convinced myself that it's not worth the risk. I saw what it did to my father, and I was determined to avoid such an avoidable fate.
There is no man in existence that could ever tempt me to take the plunge; there's just too much quantifiable evidence stacked against him, whoever he is. Statistically our relationship is going to fail, regardless who the guy is. And even if we don't get divorced, the percentage of people who stay together out of happiness is less than seven percent. Seven precent! I'm not stupid enough to think that I could ever be part of that tiny percentage, though I know lots of people who do get married assume that they will be. Why else would they get married? No, that's not me, and I'm well-aware of that fact. I belong to the other ninety-three precent, just like the majority of people. It would be delusional to think otherwise. My feet are firm on the ground, where they're meant to be. I know I can be perfectly happy without a man.
No man will ever prove me to the contrary.
I walked along the garden outback from the Bridgerton estate here in Bath. Despite not seeing him in a long time, Anthony had indeed booked me a train ticket back home. A part of me was relieved to know when I'll be going back. As much as I enjoyed my time here with Daphne, I had obligations waiting for me in London. It was time to go get back to real life; what I should have been doing all along.
And yet….. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't another piece of me which wasn't a tad bit disappointed. No, "disappointed" isn't the right word; more like sick inside. It felt like someone punched me in the gut- repeatedly. I still had no clue what I'd done to Anthony to make him so mad at me, or why he'd want to send me back early. I didn't understand….. It felt like an insult, or at least a little bit. Like he wanted me gone…. He couldn't stand to be around me. I was so confused. If Anthony hated me so much, why did he look at me that way he does? Or why did he touch me with such care and tenderness? Why did he send me such stupid conflicting messages?! Ugh, this is so pointless! I should be in Oxford right now focusing on my future as a PhD! Not getting all muddy-headed over some…. some guy! What the hell is wrong with me?! No other man has affected me this much before. Maybe it was better that we stayed apart. It's clear that Anthony's influence over me is growing too strong- best abort before we dig ourselves in any deeper.
I was getting closer to the backdoor of the house. Nobody was around; just how I liked it. The flowers smelt so good, and the cool breeze brought a relief to the summer heat. It fluttered a few stray strands of my hair. I turned my head to get a good view of the backyard, to absorb it all in. My eyes shut for a moment as I drew in a long, deep breath. This would have been one of those joyous memories of my life, if not for the twinge of pain still lingering in the back of my mind. Anthony's piecing gaze was there….. and I had a sneaking suspicion that it would be for some time. Oh well, time heals all wounds. I'd forget those deep, deep eyes of his soon enough; I'd just have to be patient is all. The pain would go away and I'd go back to just how I was before I ever met him; it was just a matter of time…..
As my eyes gradually fluttered back open, my heart skipped a quick, stunned beat to see him there. Anthony had just come out of the back door, descending down polished stone staircase and seemingly unaware of my presence. I watched him come near with his hands clasped behind his back like some sort of vision. This was the first time we were alone since the croquet game, and it made my jaw drop.
He made my jaw drop.
It's like every single time my eyes left him, I'd forgotten how spectacularly beautiful he is. He's like a living work of art, this man. I'd never seen anything quite like him before, and I doubt I'll ever see anyone like him again. God, he was perfect; an ideal picture of masculine serenity and virtue. He's the kind of man you imagine waiting for you in heaven…. A gift, a reward you receive after a lifetime of hardship. I could stare at him for hours and never grow bored…. Edwina will never know how lucky she is- never.
Anthony, for his part, looked lost in thought, frowning to himself while keeping his head down. He looked upset, troubled about something….. My foot took an instinctive step backwards, unintentionally making a stepping-sound against the grass when it landed. That had the unintended consequence of Anthony's head darting up in my direction, and I suddenly felt a thousand needles prick my skin. No… My bottom lip began to quiver uncontrollably. Don't look at me… Don't behold me with those endless, ocean eyes of yours. Why am I the only one you ever truly look at? Why am I the only one you ever only smile at? Don't look at me… not now. I think I may cry.
His expression was just as gobsmacked as mine, and our eyes just rested on one another, soaking in the other's presence like we were dying of thirst, and they were an oasis in a desert. Anthony took a single step, just one step towards me, before freezing. His mouth opened a sliver, and that's when reality came crashing back down like a tsunami. Wait, what am I doing? He's my sister's fiancé. He belongs to Edwina…
"Miss Sharma, y-you're still here?" I wasn't sure why him asking me that surprised me, but my head could only nod back. His eyes finally tore away from mine. "I had thought….. But perhaps I got the dates wrong." Oh, I get it; he wants me to go, and the sooner the better. My hands grabbed the hem of my shirt, squeezing it tightly. I didn't feel like arguing with him on the matter… I didn't feel….
My lips sputtered open quite ungracefully. "M-My train leaves tomorrow… If you want, I can go see what lines they have available today…" He's sending me away. He wants me away from him. Anthony didn't answer me, just gazing out into nowhere. He had this contorted expression on his face. It's almost as if he wanted to say something, but was forcing himself to tell me something else. Something he didn't wish to say…..
His lips pursed together tightly. "M-Miss Sharma… Kate. D-Don't assume that I bought you that ticket because… because you upset me in any way." "O-Oh, I didn't….. I didn't assume that. I only supposed that you wanted me to leave," I did assume that. His hands clenched even harder behind his back, to the point where it looked visibly painful. His head gave a reluctant shake.
"I don't….. I don't want you to leave….." He choked out and I looked directly at him, unable to even so much as glance anywhere else. "Then why are you sending me back? Do you want the time alone with Edwina?" I already knew that wasn't the case but couldn't think of anything else to ask in that moment. His gorgeous head gave another shake. "No. It's just….." "Just what?" My own voice was coming back; it was starting to feel more familiar, more natural with the viscount, the longer we were near each other.
Anthony struggled to give me an answer for a long minute before finally shaking his head a third time in defeat. "I don't know." This irked me as my eyebrow raised. "You don't know?" My tone was more accusatory this time. He FINALLY glared back up my way with equal annoyance in his conflicted expression. "No, I don't," his tone was growing tart too, to match his glare.
"Then why are you sending me away? Why'd you buy me the ticket? Why have you been ignoring me for the past three days?" "I wasn't ignoring you….." "Oh really? Then how'd you describe it? Cause it sure seems to me that you were actively avoiding me," i.e. the definition of "ignoring" somebody. His brow furrowed as his right arm lifted up slightly. "You don't understand….." "No, I don't understand, so why don't you clear things up for me? Do you really hate me THAT much that you want me to go away as soon as possible?" My own arm flung out dramatically.
"Of course I don't hate you!" Anthony's voice raised to a yell now, and so did mine to match it. "Then why are you acting like it?!" "Because I'm engaged, Kate! Life was nice and easy before you came along to complicate everything!" "How am I complicating anything?! If anyone's complicating matters around here, it's you! You won't tell me anything!" My forefinger pointed at him accusingly, to which he followed suit. "What's there to tell?! What good does it do either of us by my saying that I…..!" He froze here, as did I. Our eyes were glued onto one another desperately now as I waited for him to continue. "You what?" I felt some prodding was needed.
His mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. He stuttered and stammered slightly before straightening his back as if doing everything he could to regain his composure. His hands even reached to pull down the bottom of his shirt. And now he was unable to look me in the eye anymore…..
"Look, this is getting out of hand. The reason I'm sending you back is because….." He paused momentarily before carrying on his sentence. "B-Because I want to nip this in the bud." "N-Nip what in the bud?" "That's none of your concern. Just trust me; i-it's better if we have some time apart…. Just so I can clear my head. As I've said before, you and I are going to be brother-and-sister in-law. We have to get to a point where we are comfortable with that." "So you're not comfortable with having me as a sister in-law?" I countered and his eyes shot back at me. "I'm not comfortable with how you make me feel, how…. insecure you cause me to be in my decisions. I'm not used to that, and I'm not about to become so either. I'm convinced that time apart will solve everything." "What is this "everything" you keep referring to?! Why can't you just tell me what's going on?!" Both my arms flew up again in pure exasperation.
It's here that the viscount didn't answer me; he wasn't even looking at me anymore. His eyes were fixated on something else; something down in front of me. He was just fixated on it; he was downright terrified. I'd only ever seen his eyes get so large, so horrified twice before- once when I fell off my bike and the other time I slipped down the ridge. He was petrified of whatever it was hanging around between us.
Imagine my surprise when I discover that it's nothing but a bee.
Thinking nothing of it, my hand lifted up to shoo it away. But my own eyes widened when Anthony hand suddenly shot up to grab hold of my wrist- hard. "No! Don't move!" He panicked. "It's just a bee," I replied unimpressed. The bee stayed between us, though inching closer towards me. That's when Anthony REALLY began to panic, instinctively yanking me closer by my arm. "No! Don't move! Stop moving, Kate!" He shouted, completely overcome with terror. I blinked at him, growing steadily alarmed. He's reacting this way over a bee? He's having a panic attack over an insect? That can only mean one thing- trauma. Probably childhood trauma. You only have this kind of visceral reaction if an onset of horrible memories comes on due to a trigger, and I guess bees were a trigger for Anthony.
"Don't move! Don't move! Stay still! I'll help you! Let me help you!" Anthony stepped towards me. I internally winced as the bee got closer to my neck, probably trying to flee from Anthony's chaos. Anthony did the unwise thing, pulling me even closer to him and unintentionally the bee still in between us. My eyes winced for the enviable and Anthony's face froze like someone shot him. "KATE!" He screamed at the top of lungs as the bee stung the side of my neck.
I'm not sure what hurt more. How tight Anthony's hands were unconsciously gripping my arms, how loud his voice caused my ears to ring, or the bee sting itself. Ugh, no; no, it's the sting. That's definitely the most painful.
Anthony's panic attack dialled up from ten to a hundred. I'm pretty sure his fingers would leave bruises on my arms, he was clutching me that tight. His eyes went every which way in a mania. "No! No! Not again… How am I supposed to live through this again?!" Again? What is he talking about? I winced again, trying to wriggle out of his bone-crushing grip. "N-Nugh, calm down, Anthony. It's just a bee sting."
He completely didn't hear me, still in the middle of his full-blown panic attack. I could be declaring my undying love for him and he still wouldn't hear me. "No! You're not going to die! I won't let you die! I'm not that same useless boy as before! I'll save you, Kate! I can save you this time!" Save me from a bee sting? Does he think I'm allergic or something? Wait…
I had just started putting the pieces together when, from out of nowhere and being the most shocking moment of my entire life, Anthony proceeded to put his lips on my neck over the stung area. His mouth latched onto my skin, sucking the living daylights out of it. It's like he was trying to suck the venom out of me. His arms coiled around my waist like ivy, effectively locking me in place. I realized again how strong he was; he could hold me there, keep me like this effortlessly if he wanted to. I was powerless against him…. which made me feel all sorts of ways.
Stronger and stronger his mouth clung to me, our bodies pressing up against each other. Something weird happened to me- physically. My legs started to buckle, to feel like jelly. My head tossed back, my mouth open and gasping. My chest began to pulsate, matching the rhythm of his sucking. And my arms… Entirely of their own freewill and with no permission from my brain, they raised up to wrap around Anthony's back, to hold him as close as he was holding me. It looked like the world's strangest embrace, and my body was burning up… I was hot- really hot. So was Anthony, by the feel of it. We remained that way for a good couple of minutes or so.
After some time, I began cooing in his ear, rubbing his back reassuredly. I didn't know how to respond to someone having a panic attack, especially one to this degree, but I did what I thought I ought to do. I tried my best to comfort him, all while attempting to maintain my own vision. The lines of things were becoming blurry, it was getting harder to breathe….. My body, my whole essence was on fire- too hot to endure. My eyes shut, unable to endure it for much longer. Forget getting turned on…..
This is what being "in heat" is like.
