Anthony's P.O.V.-

Breaking up with Siena was easy. Well, not easy; I was a little sad about it, I guess. I'm not sure if I missed, but when push comes to shove, I don't think I do. Not really, anyway. I miss the sex, and sleeping next to a warm body, but that's it.

No, the only person I've ever missed before is Dad….. I still think about him every day. Everyone else was just there, just background noise. They could never compete with him or the attention he gave me. I loved that man, I worshipped him….. Which is why it felt like I lost absolutely everything when he died, despite inheriting the viscount title. I don't care; I didn't want the title or estate and wealth accompanying it- I wanted my dad more. And he was never coming back…. I'll never hear the sound of his voice again. And when I needed her most, Mom utterly shut down, emotionally abandoning me and all her other, younger children- the selfish woman. I learned the hard way that there was no one else in the world who cared about me like Dad did, who would look after me the way he did. I was alone- completely alone with myself, and that's the way I resolved to keep it.

And yet still…..

Ever since that croquet game, I'd been doing everything in my power to avoid Kate. I could never tell anyone of course, but holding her there in both my arms, with both of us covered in mud and breathing heavy…. That was the happiest moment of my life. It even topped any I'd had with Dad- barely. I picked her up, and I never wanted to let her go. Being that close to her was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. I'd never been so relaxed or happy; I didn't think it was possible to be THAT contented. She was bliss, ecstasy, a drug created in a lad particularly for me. I always thought that Edward- that stupid vampire from Twilight, that movie Daphne liked- was overly dramatic and a wussy. But now I get what he means. Kate's like my own personal gravity, drawing me closer like I'm tied up with strings….. And they're all connected to her fingers.

That's what scared me- scared me to no end. I lost control of my senses, of my emotions, of my frikin desires whenever she's near; and the closer she is, the harder it gets to see straight. I've never been so natural, so organic, so at ease around another person; I feel more "me" than ever before when I'm with her. And I realize that I like myself a bit more when I'm natural, free. It's nice to smile once and a while. It's pleasant to actually enjoy something- or someone- for once. I was growing more comfortable, more….. addicted to these feelings that sprang up inside of me whenever she's close by. And that, I could NOT have.

But I found myself left with another problem now. When she wasn't around, I found myself paralyzed. It took everything I had not to drop everything and go find her, which sounds so stupid when I think about it rationally. But somewhere deep, deep down, I knew that was true. Now every time I enter a room, I unconsciously scan it for her. I'm always noticing the slight motions in the corner of my eyes, just in case she's there. Nugh! Dammit it all! I don't want to live like this. Who would choose this?! To constantly want to be around somebody? That's totally insane! I don't even know why I like her so much, why everything about her sucks me in like a magnet. Maybe it's because when she's missing now, and I try to go back to the way I was, it comes out all wrong… like a cry for help.

Ah, screw it! I dumped Siena and survived; Kate and I aren't even dating. This should be easy….. This should be easy… Why the hell isn't this easy?! I'd been sitting in my study, purposely away from the family and… I'd been reading the copy of The Sorrows of Young Werther for the third time; it was the one Kate got me. I never told anybody, but I located that charity shop she bought it from. I made an anonymous donation to it… since the cause of men's mental health seemed important to Kate. Course she'll never find out; what good would that do?

With a long, heavy sigh, I closed the book with my thumb still in it to gaze out the window now. It was after midnight now; everyone had likely gone to bed. I didn't mind being the only one up, especially since it meant that I wouldn't accidently bump into Kate. I decided that I'd been thinking much too much about her lately- that had to stop. That had to stop….. It's best if I stay away from her….. before I grow to depend on her too much, before I get too used to being happy and "myself" again. Yes, this is for the best; not just for me but for Kate as well. I don't want her to catch on….. Well, never mind all that. She won't; I doubt she'll ever understand how I truly feel. Even I don't understand it myself! But us being apart can't possibly be a bad thing overall, can it? No, of course not! After all, my parents didn't have me to be "happy" and "contented" in life…

Otherwise Mom would have cared more when Dad died.

Sitting there with my leg softly bouncing, my forefinger rose up to cover my lips in a thoughtful fashion. No, what are you doing? Don't think about her….. Stop thinking about her. God dammit, stop it you idiot! Gently placing the book down onto my desk, I got up from my chair in a huff, not really sure where I would go or what I would do next. Before I knew what was happening, my feet were already taking off outside the room and down the hall. Just as I expected, it was dark with not a single light on.

I kept walking and walking until I found myself- totally unintentionally mind you- in the ladies' part of the estate. I was aware of which one was Kate's door; I personally oversaw the preparation of her room myself. My brain kept kicking itself, punishing me for continuing down in its direction, stopping just outside of it. I stood there, facing Kate's bedroom door. She's inside… My hand slowly lifted up to press against the wood of the door. She's safe inside.

With a quick peak around to make sure I was alone, I could finally let myself breath again. Keeping my palm and fingers pressed up against the door, my eyes tenderly began to close. I suppose I should get used to this; the distance….. the spaces between us. They'll only continue to grow greater in time. I'd better get used to it now- the sooner, the better. I'll get used to it….. You got used to not having Dad here; you'll get used to this too, Anthony.

As my eyes gradually began to reopen, I felt this really strange, burning sensation on my cheeks. It took me a second to register the event, but soon my one hand came over to brush across my face. I looked to my fingers to see teardrops on them. I….. I was crying. Wait, why the hell am I crying?! I haven't cried since Dad's funeral. What's the matter with me?! Why am I crying now? Don't tell me I'm tearing up over a girl? I'm stronger than that! I thought I was stronger than that!

But it did no good; the tears kept coming on their own accord, and I utterly refused to let my other hand leave the wood of her door. That was the closest, the nearest I could be to her right now, and there was no way in hell I was taking a step away. Not one single step. If God wants me to move, He'll have to send the devil up to drag me away. I just needed to be here, like this for a minute- just a few more minutes. Closing my watery eyes again, my head leaned towards the door so I could rest my forehead against it. My mouth was hanging open as I panted, unable to catch my breath. Words can never describe how I felt just then, what I experienced just now. I'm a grown man, for Christ's sake! I shouldn't be sobbing and weeping out here in the hallway like some sissy boy. With my eyes remaining shut, I was finally able to close my mouth. This contorted grin drew across my face as I raised up my arm a little.

If there is a God, I'm not sure whether I should be furious or grateful to Him. First He took away my father, and if that wasn't punishment enough, now you're leaving too. Everyone who brings me true joy eventually leaves… But then again, He brought you into my life in the first place. You are the first woman to ever make me feel this way, Kate….. And I don't know if that's God's blessing or curse. Though a piece of me hoped it was the latter; that would make our parting easier….. if you were no good for me. If you were a blessing, I'd never be able to let you out of my sight.

The very next morning I booked Kate a train ticket back to London.