We collapsed onto the grass, still in each other's arms. Anthony FINALLY removed his mouth from my neck, heaving heavily and gasping like his life depended on it. He was laying overtop of me; my arms still wrapped around his back. Panting, he gazed over into my eyes; his were visibly relaxing. I don't know what possessed me to smile in that moment, but I did. My hand reached up to brush some stray hairs off his forehead and away from his eye.
A moment of silence fell between us as we simply, merely stared at one another endlessly. Eventually I broke it when the time felt natural to do so. "Are you alright?" My voice was low and calm. His eyes widened a sliver. "Am I alright?! Are YOU alright? Do we need to get you to a hospital? Is your throat swelling up? Can you breathe properly? Any change to your vision? Heart palpitations?" He raddled off questions so fast that I lost count of them. My lips trembled slightly as his arms remained coiled protectively around me; I could feel them squeeze the small of my back. "U-Uh n-no….? I-I'm fine. I'm not allergic to bees, i-if that's what you're worried about." "Are you sure?" Anthony's voice was a lot steadier than mine now. I nodded and he breathed that same sigh of pure, unadulterated relief I'd heard before. My whole entire face suddenly flushed when he proceeded to rest his face on my chest; like unconsciously bury it into me. I don't think he did this on purpose- he was just so mentally drained and physically exhausted. But my body was burning up again all the same… I could feel his chest move up and down as he breathed….
And I heard him whisper ever so faintly to himself "thank god."
Feeling overcome with emotion myself- a series of emotions which were new to me and I didn't understand- my hand lifted again to start stroking the back of his head. It repeated this motion again and again, causing Anthony to shudder. He took his time peered back up towards my head, keeping his chin on the lower part of my chest. His gaze lowered a little as his breathing relaxed.
"Don't ever scare me like that again….." His tone was still weak and tired. I cracked a grin. "Don't get stung by a bee again? I'll try not to," my hand came down to caress the side of his cheek. My tone had a hint of playfulness in it, but Anthony remained completely serious. In fact, I'd rarely seen his expression so real….. so raw, so genuine…..
Except on the few occasions he allowed himself to smile without restraint at me.
He kept his stare locked intently onto mine. "You have no idea how dangerous they can be. Dad took them for granted, and he…" Anthony couldn't finish his sentence. I waited a second to see if he would go on, and when he didn't, I went back to stroking his hair. He shut his eyes and inhaled like he was comforted. This made me smile….. Really smile.
"My dad died unexpectedly too. Edwina and I never saw it coming…. We thought he'd be around until his late eighties at least," he should have lived that long. Anthony's eyes fluttered back open to look at me, but he didn't reply. My smile intensified with all the gentleness and affection I could muster- and that wasn't hard. "I know what it's like to lose somebody you love so much… someone you can't imagine not being there in your life. It was really hard for a long time after we lost him; Edwina and I suffered a lot," I paused here a moment to collect my thoughts… and remember him.
I inhaled deeply, shutting my own eyes briefly. "But Daddy once said that life is full of suffering; to live is to experience pain… and there's no end of the amount of pain we can endure. He was a bit of a nihilist in that way, believing that no matter what we did, we'd end up suffering one way or another sooner or later, and there's no point to our suffering. We just do- that's all." Another pause here as I began to smile to myself, recounting his words. "So it's up to us to make all the suffering worthwhile. It's up to us to find the little joys in life and remember all the good things we've experienced alongside the pain. If we're going to stay alive, it'd better be worth it, he used to say. Maybe that's why I was able to find so much joy after he died. There are so many little things still to enjoy in life… Roses still exist. There's still ice cream, and bike rides. I really love sitting down with a good book, or that first cup of tea in the morning. Fans in the summer and warm sweaters in the winter. All the big and little things that make us happy…..
They all add up, if you remember to be grateful for them."
Realizing I'd been talking for a while now, I came to a halt and peered back down at Anthony's face. He was ogling back at me with eyes like sponges, absorbing every word I said right down to his very fibres. It's like he's never heard any of this before, and I was teaching him something totally new. This suspicion was confirmed when his gaze began to wander thoughtfully out into nowhere, as if he was truly contemplating the situation. Eventually his lush lips parted.
"I….. never thought about it like that before. I knew that life was painful….. but I never thought anything could be greater than that pain." I flashed him an understanding grin. "The pain can feel all-consuming sometimes. It takes time to be able to step back from it and realize just how many other things are out there. We all suffer- it's part of the human experience. The point isn't to try and avoid what suffering may come, since that's an impossible task bound to fail anyway. Terrible things happen in life; that's just the way it is. It's our job not to avoid the pain or let it consume us, but to segment off the trauma so it doesn't rob us of still seeing the beauty around us. Suffering is universal, but so are all our other emotions, including joy and finding meaning."
Anthony stared at my face as I said this, finally smiling when I concluded my mini rant. His chin buried into my skin a bit more, and I could tell his heartrate was steady and calm. "I think I found meaning in my role as a viscount and patriarch of this family… It's the "joy" part I've struggled with." "It takes time," I reiterated, stroking the back of his head. His smile intensified just then as he let himself breathe wistfully.
"You know, Kate….. I think I've finally figured out what's so different, so special about you." "Oh?" "You have that same profound understanding that Dad had- you remind of his inner peace and contentment with life. Ever since I first saw you smile to yourself while riding your bike… You've experienced both extreme hardship and extreme joy, just like he had. Dad had his own major struggles in life….. Yet he never let his trauma define him. He'd smile from the heart, he'd complement someone and mean it. He had a joy, a zest for life- one I've rarely seen in others and wish I had myself." "Anthony," my fingers caressed the side of his cheek.
His eyes shown at me just then. "You're still dealing with your own trauma; I can see that. But you don't let it override your life. You are still happy most of the time because you do remember to see all those good little things…. and are grateful to experience them. Heh, even something so simple as a cup of tea," he chuckled so softly, it almost made me cry. I just kept stroking the side of his head as he maintained his adoring stare, resting the lines on his face.
"Unfortunately I'm not like you or Dad; you have something I want, but don't really know how to have for myself. Maybe that's just the way I was built…" He sighed and I shook my head resolutely. "I don't think so. Healing comes in different forms and different ways. I think the best thing you can do is be patient with yourself. I know you'll get there in your own time." "You really think so?" "I know so," I reiterated with a kind smile, which he immediately mirrored. Sighing, he laid the side of his head back down onto me, gently closing his eyes again. "It's probably going to take a long time." "That's fine. You're young, and any progress is still progress." "Heh, you're right. But it might not hurt to remember those small, good things….. Those foolish little things at make life worthwhile." "Heh, I love those foolish things. They don't block out the pain, but they make it more bearable." "You sound just like Dad…" He breathed in complete ease.
A glorious, comfortable lull felt between us. Sooner or later- I lost track of time- Anthony sighed contentedly, wrapping his arms even tighter around my waist. He kept his eyes shut, like he was in a happy way and didn't want it to end. "J-Just for a minute…. Let's stay like this just for another minute… please." "Anthony?" And he exhaled in such a way that did make me cry. "You're not Dad- I get that. And I'd never ask you to replace him….. But you just remind me of something I forgot when he died….. something I used to know so naturally." "What's that?" He smiled so organically… "That life can be good, joyful. Those foolish little things… They're worth remembering, just like this moment.
I'll remember this moment for the rest of my life."
