Never Have I Ever, pt 2.2

Chapter 4

WARNINGS! Intense emotional situations and possible triggers discussed and displayed as Bucky confronts Tony. Descriptions of intense emotional and psychological torment as Barnes is forced to confront the feelings he'd buried so long ago.


After Steve took his shower and dressed, Natasha suggested they go for a walk. It was a beautiful day and it seemed a shame to spend the entirety of it indoors. Steve had agreed with her and was looking forward to relaxing in the sunshine and fresh air, but Bucky wasn't as excited about the thought of leaving Steve's apartment.

"You guys can go," he told them. "I'm just going to hang out here… maybe read a book."

Steve and Natasha watched him as he walked behind the coffee table. A couple of times he approached the couch or the chair as if he intended to take a seat, but then didn't. He'd look at the seat and then turn away from it as if the act of sitting down would somehow trap him in an invisible snare. It was clear to both of them that he was beginning to experience some anxiety at just the suggestion of leaving the apartment.

"Umm, I have to finish the book I was reading last night…" he added when neither responded to him.

"You left it in the library," Steve reminded him.

"What?" Bucky asked, turning to look at Steve.

"The book you were reading last night," Steve told him, "you left it in the library." Then he had a thought to test his theory. "You can go get it."

Bucky nodded and then Steve's words sank in and he looked at him again but he didn't move. "Yeah," he said, nodding. "I'll go get it. You guys can go. Go ahead, go get some fresh air," he told them trying to give them a genuine smile. His act didn't sway Rogers.

"Go get it," Steve told him. "We'll wait here."

"What?"

"Go get the book. We'll wait for you right here. You can take it with you when we go outside."

Bucky just stared at him. He didn't know what to do. Steve had called his bluff. When he didn't move, Steve moved to the door and opened it. He left it standing open and moved away from it. Barnes stared out into the hall but didn't move. He finally pulled his gaze away from it and looked to Steve as if wanting to plead with him not to make him go out the door. Instead of pleading he simply stated, "I don't want to go out there."

Well, that was more than Steve expected him to say. Instead of making excuses, Bucky had come right out and said it. He could work with that.

"Why not?" Steve asked him. He knew why; at least he was pretty certain what the reasons were but he needed Bucky to work through it himself. This was one of those moments of which his therapist had cautioned Steve when he went to pick him up from the hospital. When the memories of a trauma could produce high levels of anxiety and fear for what, to onlookers, would seem irrational.

Bucky's therapist had instructed Steve to be watchful for behavioral side effects of post-traumatic stress, such as; avoidance of activities or locations that might trigger memories of an event. Bucky was definitely trying to avoid going out the door, but Steve believed in this instance that it wasn't the trauma of rape that had Bucky fearful of leaving the apartment. He believed it was the thought of coming face to face with Tony Stark; the man who had caused him to remember and re-live a brutal event that had been forced upon him. The therapist had also mentioned to Steve to watch for social distancing and attempts to self-isolate or to withdraw completely from the world around him. That was the behavior he and Natasha were witnessing at the moment.

Steve was quite cognizant of the fact that Bucky was experiencing a handful of psychological issues caused by Tony's shocking behavior; the anxiety and fear was readily apparent. The emotional shock of what Stark had done had caused Bucky to feel shame and anger. His anxiety level was extremely high and Steve felt he was close to having an all out panic attack at just the thought of being forced to leave the apartment.

"Bucky," Steve said to get his attention. "What's going on?" he asked.

Bucky turned to look at him and shook his head. "What? Nothing's going on," he said.

Natasha stayed silent and just watched what was happening in front of her. She and James had shared a lovely morning together preparing breakfast for the three of them. He was certainly more relaxed and playful than he'd been the night before, but now it was as if a curtain had fallen and he was stuck behind it, not knowing how to find the opening in order to step out from behind it again.

Steve stepped over to the door and Bucky watched him closely. Steve reached out and pushed it closed again. He looked to Barnes and saw him visibly relax. He knew he couldn't leave his friend stuck in this psychological hell being created by his sub-conscious mind. Steve made his way over to where Bucky was standing and stopped two feet in front of him.

"What's going on, Buck?" he asked softly.

"What – nothing is going on," Bucky told him. "What do you mean?"

"This isn't you," Steve told him. "Your sub-conscious is playing a mind game with you." Bucky looked at Steve and furrowed his brow. "You spent seventy years in a hell not of your making… your brain is sub-consciously trying to hold you prisoner in this room, because that's all it's known for so long. What Tony did last night… I think it triggered a lot of emotions you've been trying to keep buried."

Bucky stared at Steve; considering his words.

"It's causing you a lot of anxiety and it's building into an all out panic attack… and that's a scary feeling. I know… it happened to me too, for months, after I awoke from the ice and found myself thrust seventy years into the future. I know that feeling. It feels like you can't think, or breathe… your stomach is tied into knots and… you feel out of place inside your own body."

Bucky sucked in a breath at the last part. He nodded, letting Steve know that was exactly how he was feeling. Steve reached out and put his hand on Bucky's shoulder.

"It's not real," Steve told him. "It's your brain trying to protect you from dangers that don't exist… because that's all it's done for decades. Don't let it control you. Don't let it keep you a prisoner inside a cell that doesn't exist."

They stared into each others' eyes as Steve tried to connect with Bucky and guide him out of the darkness that was threatening to overtake him. Bucky clung to every word and realized Steve was right. He didn't want to be a prisoner anymore, especially one of his own making. He nodded to let Steve know he was listening and understood.

"Okay?" Steve asked him and Bucky nodded.

Natasha watched the two friends quietly from the other room. Steve gently squeezed Bucky's shoulder and pulled him forward. Bucky stepped toward him and Steve wrapped his arms around him. When Barnes didn't resist, Steve tightened his embrace and just held onto him for a minute.

Natasha noticed that Barnes never raised his arms to embrace Steve in return. He seemed to be focused on the sensation of being wrapped in someone's arms and not experiencing pain or terror that normally came from physical human contact. She understood that; she'd experienced that herself when she and Clint were forming their bond of friendship and trust.

Steve just held onto Bucky until he felt him take a deep breath and let it out. His entire body seemed to release the tension it'd been building up and Steve loosened his embrace. He took half a step back and let his hands lightly grip Bucky's arms as he looked at him closely.

"You okay?" Steve asked and Bucky's eyes finally moved to focus on him. He looked into Steve's eyes, full of concern for him, and nodded. "Okay," Steve acknowledged. "You ready to go outside now?" he asked.

Bucky took another deep breath and the cloud of uncertainty vanished from his eyes. Those steel blue orbs were back to normal; shiny, clear and ready for just about anything. Bucky nodded and offered his friend a small but appreciative smile.

"Good man," Steve replied with a smile and put his arm around Barnes, his hand between Bucky's shoulder blades as if guiding him toward the door.

Natasha straightened from her position; she'd been leaning on the kitchen island, watching the two friends work out the issue. She smiled at them as they past her and she followed them to the door.

Steve opened the door, his hand still pressing lightly against Bucky's back as encouragement; not as restraint. He was relieved when Barnes hesitated only a second and then led the way down the hall. Natasha put her hand on Steve's back and smiled up at him.

"You should be proud of yourself," she told him as he moved into the hall. "You did great."

As Natasha closed the door behind them, he watched Bucky's back as he walked further down the hall by himself. He turned to her and shook his head. "I'm proud of him." he told her.

She smiled and said, "Me too." Then she and Steve headed out, trying to catch up to him.


The three friends exited the lobby and out into a beautiful day. The sun was warm and the skies were blue with a few fluffy white clouds hanging overhead. They strolled past the garden, making their way out toward the fishing dock. Steve had decided to go there just to have a goal so they weren't just aimlessly walking in circles. Once there, they'd decide whether to stay there or move to another destination.

As they made their way over a softly rolling hill, Natasha looked to her right to see a few people hanging out at the picnic table at the bottom of the hill. She noted they were Clint, Bruce and Tony. When she realized Tony was outside she averted her attention straight ahead so as not to alert Barnes to his presence.

As they topped the hill, they were greeted by Sam Wilson coming up from the other side. "Hey, good morning," he greeted the trio.

"Sam! Good to see you," Steve replied.

"Yeah, you too," he said. "So what are you all up to?" he asked.

"Oh, just taking a walk. Getting some fresh air," Steve told him and Natasha smiled.

"Yeah," Sam nodded, "I had the same idea."

As Steve and Sam exchanged greetings, Bucky stood nearby taking in the sights of the well groomed grounds. It was a pretty peaceful place, he had to admit, with its gardens and fruit trees and… he noticed the people below gathered at one of the picnic tables and recognized all of them. Clint Barton, Bruce Banner and… Tony Stark.

"I think we're going to go sit on the dock for a bit and relax. Maybe do some sparring later on… if you want to join us," Steve told Sam.

"Sounds good to me," he replied and his gaze tracked movement behind Steve. "Did you clear those plans with Barnes? He seems to have interest elsewhere."

Steve and Natasha turned around, curious as to what Sam was referring. Barnes was on the move, his head was lowered, his hands were clenched into fists and he was moving like a freight train, heading straight for the group at the bottom of the hill.

"Oh shit," Steve exclaimed and he and Natasha took off running after him. Sam followed, curious as to what was going on. Steve could tell by Bucky's posture and how fast he was moving that he was on a mission. "Bucky!" Steve shouted trying to get his attention.

Steve's voice carried beyond Barnes and alerted the three men below. As one, they turned to see the group running down the hill. It still took them all an extra few seconds to understand what was happening. Bruce and Clint were standing, talking to Tony who was sitting on the bench leaning back with his elbows propped up on the table top.

Clint and Bruce took a surprised step backward when they realized Barnes was heading toward them looking very unhappy. Tony had also looked up at the sound of Steve's voice. When he saw Barnes stomping toward him and realized the others were trying to catch up to him in order to stop him; Tony scrambled off the bench and stood up. Instead of running away though, he turned to face the man he'd wronged the night before.

Tony braced himself as Barnes approached him and drew back his right arm. Tony squeezed his eyes shut; he had a brief moment to give thanks that Barnes chose to pull back his right arm and not his left, and took the hit like a man. Bucky's fist landed right between Tony's eyes and sent him backward ten feet to land on his back on the grass.

Bucky moved forward until he was standing over Stark again. Steve ran up and grabbed onto Bucky's left arm, but Barnes shook him off and put his hand up in front of Steve to halt him. Steve went to reach for Bucky again but saw his hand up. He realized Bucky wasn't out of control, he was aware of what he was doing. Steve had to trust him and he prayed he wouldn't regret doing so.

As Barnes stood over Tony, both Clint and Sam moved as if to defend and Steve waved them off. He needed them to wait. He needed to see how Bucky would handle this confrontation.

Tony lay on the grass as his vision slowly returned. He squinted through his tinted glasses up at the figure standing over him. He waited to be pummeled by the former Winter Soldier for what he'd done to him last night. Tony knew he deserved punishment for what he'd done. It took him a few moments to realize he hadn't yet been dragged off the ground, or shot, or stabbed, or kicked. He blinked up at the man standing over him.

"This is me!" Barnes shouted at him, "This is me… choosing to stop short of killing someone!" he yelled at Stark. "This is me… just beating someone up! This is me showing mercy! Do you understand? This is ME!"

He was full of anger… and sorrow and regret and so many more things he couldn't even sort out and give it a name. His entire body trembled with the force of his rage; his face was twisted up in anger and his eyes were full of tears that just wouldn't fall. His chin quivered under the force of his emotions and his teeth were bared in an angry snarl. His chest heaved as he sucked in copious amounts of air, trying to feed his starving heart and lungs. He was so close to letting the Soldier take over that he now stood planted in place; concentrating and forcing that part of him back down. He didn't want to kill Stark… he just wanted him to know how much he'd hurt him. Barnes pulled air in through his nose and tried to blink away the red in his vision.

The Avengers stood around him, watching his struggle and looking to one another not knowing what to do or if they should do anything.

Steve moved forward carefully. He didn't want to come up from behind Bucky as he could easily see he was coiled like a tight spring. So he moved around the picnic table to come around from his left side but from where Bucky could easily see him approaching. He saw Bucky's eyes shift in his direction but he didn't look up at him. He looked back down at Stark sprawled on the ground at his feet and then suddenly broke away without warning.

He simply took a step over Stark and walked away from the situation. Steve watched Bucky as he stormed away and then looked down at Tony to be sure he was okay. Tony nodded and waved him off.

"Go get your boy," he said and then sat up. Clint and Sam reached down to help him to his feet.

Steve ran up behind Bucky and grabbed onto his arm. Bucky spun around still distraught and not knowing who was on him. He swung out with his left arm and Steve ducked, blocking the hit. As he straightened again he made a move that echoed the one he'd used on Barnes in the pre-dawn hours, except this time he didn't put him in a choke hold. This time he wrapped his arms around Bucky and held onto him. Bucky fought him, trying to wrest free from the embrace but Steve held on tight.

"It's okay," Steve told him. "It's okay. You did good. You did good," Steve told him as his own tears rolled down his cheeks. He held on tight as Bucky fought to be let go. "You did good," Steve told him.

Bucky's attempts to wrest himself free failed and as he tried to push away from Steve his head fell back and he let out a strangled cry. It was a haunting cry that seemed to come from the depths of his tortured soul. It was the sound of torment, pain and loss like nothing Steve had ever heard before and it tore his heart in two. Steve held on tight as if trying to keep his friend from crumbling into dust. Bucky's knees gave way and he would have dropped to the ground had it not been for Steve holding him up. Steve lowered them to the ground in a controlled fall. On their knees, Steve just held onto him; he had to adjust his hold as Bucky folded up on his lap and Steve curled over his back as if to shelter him from the world.

Natasha and the others watched them from a distance. They'd heard Barnes let out a howl of anguish that made Natasha's tears fall before she even realized how hard that sound had hit her. Tony dropped down on the picnic bench as the weight of what he'd done sank in. He removed his glasses and set them on the table in front of him. He looked at them for a moment and realized how lucky he was to come out of this with only a bent frame and a headache. He was certain the harm he'd done to Barnes was far more reaching and he wondered how, or what he could do, to make things right again.