Never Have I Ever… 2.3

Chapter 5

Steve gets Bucky back to his apartment after his emotional confrontation with Tony out on the lawn. Tony visits Steve's apartment to try to make amends for what he did to Barnes, but will he be able to?


The small group of Avengers remained by the table with Tony while Steve took care of Bucky a dozen yards away. Bruce, Clint and Natasha watched the two men intently, while Tony could only bring himself to look over his shoulder now and again. He knew the scene going on out on the grass was caused by his callous behavior the night before and he felt bad about what he'd done. He leaned against the table, pressing his forehead into his hand.

Out on the lawn Steve was still on his knees with Barnes curled up in front of him and Rogers trying his best to comfort him. His hands kept moving over Bucky's back and stroking his hair, hoping his touch would keep his friend grounded in the present and not let him slip into his tormented past. He heard Bucky say something, but he couldn't make it out as his face was pressed against the top of Steve's thigh. His fist curled into the fabric of Steve's shirt and he mumbled again. Steve leaned down closer to him to try to hear him.

"What was that, Buck?" he asked softly. He waited a moment hoping he'd repeat it for him. "I didn't hear you."

Bucky slowly sat up, his fists were clenched into Steve's shirt and he used them to push against Steve to lever himself upright. He was exhausted and wrung out; Steve could see that clearly. He also noted that as distraught as Bucky was, and had been; for all the tears he'd seen filling his eyes as he shouted at Tony; his face was still dry. Steve had thought for sure that Bucky had finally let loose and actually cried those tears and let them fall, but he could see now that it still hadn't happened. He wondered what exactly it would take to get him to cry. Bucky's soft voice pulled him out of those thoughts.

"I didn't kill him," he said softly as if not believing it himself. Steve just looked at him. "I didn't kill him, Steve. I didn't. I stopped myself," Bucky repeated and then his eyes shifted to look into Steve's eyes. "I didn't kill him."

"You didn't," Steve confirmed. "You did good."

"I didn't kill him."

"Come on, buddy. Let's get you home," Steve told him and looked up to see Sam standing a few feet away as if waiting to see if he could be of assistance. Steve lifted his chin to signal that he could use some help and Sam moved in. Steve's hands were on Bucky's elbows and he now lifted upward, indicating to Barnes he should stand up. Sam took him by the arms and helped him to his feet as Steve got his own feet under him. Once he was standing he took Bucky from Sam and guided him back toward the building; Sam following closely behind.

"I didn't kill him," Bucky repeated as if he didn't quite believe it himself. "I stopped. I did stop."

"You did," Steve told him.


When they got to the apartment, Sam took his leave and Steve helped Bucky to his bedroom. He dropped down on his bed and rolled over, curling up on his right side; almost immediately he fell into an exhausted sleep. Steve covered him with a blanket to ward off psychogenic shock and moved the desk chair closer to the bed. He sat looking at Bucky's back for a long time.

Bruce stopped in about half an hour later to check on him. He left a small bottle with Steve that contained four mild sedatives in case Barnes needed them. He instructed Steve on how to give them; looked in on Barnes and then left.

Steve sat next to Bucky's bed, watching over him as he slept. His sleep appeared peaceful for the most part. When he became fitful, all Steve had to do was reach out and lay his hand on Bucky's arm or shoulder and he settled right down.

He looked to the window and noticed the light outside had changed. The sky had darkened as it neared sundown. He'd been sitting there for hours and now wondered if he should wake Bucky to get him to drink something. He'd brought in a couple of bottles of water earlier and his was now empty, but Bucky's remained untouched.

A sound in the other room drew his attention and Steve got up to check it out. As he stood in the doorway of Bucky's bedroom, he heard someone knocking quietly on the door. He went to answer it before the sound woke Barnes.

Steve opened the door and took a deep breath; surprised to see Tony standing there. Tony looked clearly uncomfortable and Steve figured this was probably the hardest thing he'd had to do in a long time.

"Tony," Steve said, unsure if it was a greeting or simply a statement of fact. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I thought I'd come to check on Barnes," he replied. "I need to apologize. What I did was… really crappy."

"That's a bit of an understatement," Steve told him.

"I know," Tony agreed. "It's inexcusable." Steve nodded. He certainly wasn't going to make this easy on Stark. "Can I come in?" he asked.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Steve told him. "He showed you mercy once… not so sure he could do it a second time."

"I get that," Tony replied. "I just wanted to say… I'm really sorry."

"You don't need to apologize to me," Steve told him.

"I'll offer my apology to Barnes… when he's ready. I… can't imagine he'd forgive me, but I want him to know that I iam/i sorry."

"That'll be up to him," Steve told him. Tony nodded and turned to walk away. "Tony," Steve called after him and Stark turned back. "You ever do anything to harm my friend again… I'll make it my personal mission to wipe your existence from the face of the earth."

Tony swallowed and nodded. He couldn't blame Rogers for the way he felt. Barnes had been dealt a real shitty hand for the majority of his life; before Hydra had gotten their hands on him, the two men had been the best of friends. Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers had always protected and defended each other; he knew that, they all knew that. There was even a huge display in the museum that showcased that friendship. It was legendary. Tony nodded again and walked away as Steve closed the door.


Bucky stirred an hour later and Steve tried to get him to drink some water. He barely got a sip into him before he muttered something unintelligible and rolled over to go right back to sleep. Steve was starting to become concerned. He replaced the cap on the water bottle and placed it on the side table.

A knock on his apartment door caught his attention. He stood up and looked down at Bucky. He hadn't been awakened by the sound, but his sporadic restlessness had caused the blanket covering him to get pulled beneath his legs. Steve tried to pull it out, but noticed Bucky had rolled over onto it and he didn't want to disturb him. He grabbed another blanket that was folded on top of a storage chest and unfolded it. He draped it over his friend before leaving the room. He closed the bedroom door, but left it ajar so he could hear if Bucky needed him.

Steve opened the door to see Natasha standing there. He gave her a small smile and stepped aside to allow her entry. She moved past him and looked around.

"How's James?" she asked, concerned.

"He's sleeping," Steve told her. "He collapsed on his bed as soon as I got him up here. I'm a little worried." He shut the door and gestured toward the table, inviting her in.

"Don't be," she told him. "He's been through a lot in a short period. He's still recovering from all that Hydra did to him… what happened last night should never have happened. That can take a lot out of a person and on top of that he hadn't gotten a lot of sleep last night either, remember. It's been a tough twelve hours."

"He never sleeps," Steve told her. "Definitely not like this."

Natasha frowned. "He doesn't sleep?"

"Not really," Steve told her. "You want coffee? Tea?" he offered.

"Sure, coffee sounds good," she replied. "Maybe Bruce can prescribe something to help him sleep."

"He stopped by earlier and left this," he told her, picking up the bottle of pills. "He doesn't seem to need them tonight," he mentioned as he dropped a filter in the machine. "He opened his eyes earlier… I thought he'd woke up, but I barely had a chance to get some water into him before he rolled over and went back to sleep."

Natasha thought about that for a moment. "It's possible he's just not ready to be awake yet," she told him.

Steve put the coffee together and hit the button. Her comment made his brow furrow and he turned to her. "What do you mean not ready?" he asked.

"He's just overwhelmed. What happened last night… and what happened outside today he might just need a break."

"…a break?" Steve asked for clarification.

Natasha nodded and let out a breath. "…from everything. That cry he let out today, so full of anguish. It was haunting. I don't think I'll ever forget it," she confided.

"Yeah," Steve replied softly, "me too."

"He might need to shut down for a while; just…needing to shut everything out in order to get past it. He was obviously taken by surprise by what happened… and his reaction to it was more than he expected," she pointed out. "We're always fine with letting someone rest after a physical injury, but we don't always give that same consideration to emotional injuries. I wouldn't worry too much unless it goes on for more than a day or two."

"Two days?" Steve echoed.

Natasha shrugged. "Sometimes it can take that long… even longer. I'm more concerned that it could be a sign of a deep depression. Heavy sleeping can indicate a depressive episode…but sleep can be healing as well. For now, I'd say just give him some time."

"He has bad dreams. He wakes up every night yelling out. I don't think he goes back to sleep most of the time," Steve mentioned.

He realized the coffee maker had stopped making noise and got up to get them each a cup. He brought them to the table and then brought the pot over. Natasha put half a spoonful of sugar in hers and Steve filled it for her and then poured his own before returning the carafe to the hot plate.

"You have an amazing way of dealing with him," she told Steve.

Steve took a sip from his mug and looked at her then shrugged. "I don't think I know what I'm doing half the time."

"You know what he needs," she told him. "You know him better than anyone. You react from your heart and that's what he needs, Steve. He doesn't need any more doctors and therapists with their text books and cold demeanor… he needs someone who cares about him. He needs someone who loves him."

Steve nodded as he stared into his mug. He could see her point.

"You do love him, don't you?" she asked.

Steve looked up at her. "Of course I do."

"Then that's all he needs," she told him confidently.


A couple of hours passed as Steve and Natasha visited. They drank a whole pot of coffee and spoke of all sorts of things. They talked about their personal interests outside of being Avengers; Steve liked to paint and draw, and Natasha loved to dance. They provided each other a couple of hours of respite and then around 9 p.m. Natasha took her leave, wishing Steve a more pleasant evening. After she'd gone, he rinsed out the coffee maker; prepared it for the morning and set the timer so it would be ready when he awoke.

He checked in on Bucky before deciding to take a shower. He was feeling over-tired and a little strung out himself and thought a hot shower would relax him before bed. He showered and donned a pair of pajama bottoms before brushing his teeth. When that was done, he put his toothbrush back in the holder and rinsed.

As he wiped his mouth with a towel he heard a cry from the other room. He stepped out of the bathroom and into Bucky's room just a few feet away. He was up on one elbow and breathing heavily. He still had his back to Steve, but it was pretty clear he'd had a bad dream that woke him.

"You okay?" Steve asked as he entered the room.

Bucky caught his breath and settled a little. He lowered his head and then nodded. He didn't look at Steve or speak. Steve watched him and hoped for more, but a moment later Bucky laid back down and curled up under the blanket. Steve wanted to stay for him, but he was feeling exhausted himself.

"I won't be far away if you need me," Steve told him. Bucky didn't respond so he figured he was already back to sleep.

Steve left the room, leaving the door wide open just in case. He made his way through the living area and past the kitchen to his room on the other side of the apartment. He left his door open as well so he could hear any sounds that indicated Bucky needed him. He dropped onto his bed and fell asleep on top of the covers almost instantly.


Around 3 a.m. Steve woke up from a deep sleep. He was lying face down with his right leg bent and his right arm stretched out toward the edge of the bed, his left was tucked under his ribs. He lay there, very still, listening. He wasn't sure what had woken him but he listened to see if it had been Bucky calling out in his sleep.

Minutes passed and all he heard was silence. He couldn't shake the feeling though that he needed to check on Barnes. He rolled over and sat up, pausing to listen again. He couldn't put his finger on it but the apartment felt too still at this hour. He looked to the clock to see the time was 3:11 a.m. Bucky usually woke him up by now, letting out a shout or a scream as bad dreams invaded his sleep.

Steve left the bed and walked through the apartment in the dark. When he got to Bucky's room he looked in from the door but it was too dark now for him to see inside. He didn't want to turn on the bedroom light and wake him if he was still asleep, so Steve turned to flip on the light in the bathroom. It would be enough to illuminate the area without directly lighting up the bedroom.

He flicked on the light and turned back to the bedroom door. His breath caught as he now saw that Bucky wasn't in his bed. He wasn't even in the room. Steve's heart began to pound, wondering where he'd gone. He pushed away from the door, and moved quickly across the floor, intending to get dressed and search the grounds until he found him.

As he moved through the living area he glanced at the couch and skidded to a halt. The light from the bathroom illuminated enough of the apartment for him to see Bucky was sitting on the couch. Steve now knew he must have heard something that had woken him.

"Buck?" he said quietly. He stepped toward the living room but Bucky didn't respond. He just sat in the center of the couch with his head down.

Steve walked over to the couch and looked down at him. Bucky didn't move, so Steve sat down beside him, keeping a close eye on his friend. He had no idea at this point what mindset Barnes was in.

As he settled onto the cushion next to Bucky, he leaned back against the couch as his adrenaline waned and exhaustion suddenly returned. The next thing Steve knew, Bucky was leaning toward him. He raised his arm and Bucky settled against him again, just as he'd done the night before.

Steve draped his arm around Bucky's back and in less than a minute he was sound asleep. Steve realized that he needed to take Bucky somewhere else, just as he'd asked him to do the other night. He decided that was exactly what they were going to do. He let his head drop back against the top of the couch and he was sound asleep a moment later.