I was in my room pacing back and forth with my thumbnail in between my teeth anxiously. Oh god, what have we done? How stupid am I?! I shouldn't have danced with Anthony…. if you could call what we did "dancing". It's undeniable, growing clearer by the day now. I think….. I think I might be falling for the viscount. I didn't mean to! It just sorta happened…. Somehow without my ever realizing….
I've become attached to him.
An unexpected, quiet knock on the door made me flinch, then freeze. Thinking it was Edwina come to say goodnight, I hollered for her to enter. But I was soon surprised when none other than Anthony himself opened the door. I stood there, gawking at him and letting my arm fall down at my side. "A-Anthony…..?"
"I wasn't sure if you were still awake," he hesitated to come inside. Smiling, I beckoned him forward, to which he obliged. He carefully shut the door behind him while I wandered over to the bed, sitting down on top of the covers. Anthony watched me gently pat the seat beside me. It didn't take more prodding for him to come join me there, being ever so close to me.
My tender eyes reached him. "What are you doing here so late?" "I wanted to check and see if you're ok," his tone was low and dejected; he did not sound happy. Immediately catching onto this, I slowly nodded my head, letting my grin fade slightly. "I'm fine. How about you? Are you alright?" He remained silent for a moment, glancing down to his clasped hands out in front of him.
"I just had a fight with Daphne…" The viscount finally admitted. My head lowered a sliver. "Oh. About us?" He nodded with shame and regret, keeping his eyes turned down. "She wasn't impressed with catching us in my office earlier." "I see…" My fingers curled inward on the bed. Anthony's palms pressed together tighter. "She said I'm playing games with you and leading you on…. and that's not fair to you. She said that I should let you leave…. if that's what you want," poor guy, he seemed almost on the verge of tears while saying this.
I observed him briefly, a bit taken aback by this declaration. My lips parted on their own accord as a million thoughts ran through my mind. "I never thought of it that way," I finally heard myself reply out loud….. honestly so. Only then did Anthony's deep, gorgeous eyes wonder over to meet mine again.
"She's right, Kate. I would never ask you to say if you were in any sort of pain here…. with us. Truth be told, I'm so…. But that doesn't matter. What matters is what you want, and I'll respect that… whatever it is." My hand reached over to rest overtop of his knee without hesitation. "Oh, I know you will, without a doubt. Heh, contrary to popular belief, I am a fully grown woman who can come and go as she pleases. I could have gone back to London a long time ago…. if I wanted to," I could have gone to Vienna for the rest of the summer. But I didn't…..
I didn't.
Anthony looked at me, not saying anything. My smile grew as my fingers gave his pant leg a squeeze. "Don't worry, Anthony. I'm here….. because I want to be." The corners of his eyes began to shimmer, his bottom lip trembled a bit. "In that case I should also confess that I told Daphne that I want you to stay with us….. live with us, for as long as possible. Again, if that's what you want as well." My eyes widened a little. He must mean before I go off to school at Oxford. He wants me to live with him, Edwina, and everyone in London until I have to move… Why does that thought make me so insanely happy? Without conscious will, my head nodded, timidly but resolutely. The viscount saw this, and suddenly beamed in delight. A faint grin made its appearance on his lips as his head lowered down. "So, you'll stay then…..?" "Yes," without a second thought.
Anthony let out a relieved sigh and I giggled, shaking my head and feeling totally relaxed. "Heh, since you're being accused of being unfair to me, then allow me to even the playing field. Let me be unfair to you for a moment," I said and his eyebrow raised, though more good-naturedly than suspicious. "Go on?" And my smile couldn't have been bigger or brighter than just in that second.
"You're not the only one who's grown attached. I've come to like you more…. as a person, as a viscount, as a friend- in so many countless ways. I admire so many things about you, Anthony…." "Kate," his voice heighted a tad but I continued. "When I'm with you, I feel so light and happy. No man has ever made me feel this way since Daddy was alive….. I am completely comfortable around you, safe… I'm just so happy I got to meet you, spend time with you…. heh, even in these unusual circumstances," I giggled; Anthony didn't. He beheld me like a train had just crashed at full speed into him. My intense grin remained for a moment longer before fading a bit again. My mouth opened, but it took a second for me to keep talking- I wasn't looking forward to what I would say next.
"All that being said, I still…. I still want you to marry my sister. Edwina…. doesn't have the same dreams or goals as I do. She told me once that my life's all set up and I'll get to wherever I want to go, and she's right. My future is clear and good….. but she doesn't have that same stability. Her life is a lot less secure, and I would never dream of interfering with her chances of happiness. I originally didn't want you and her to get together because, well frankly, I thought you were a bad person…." I paused here, taking a much-needed breath. Anthony stayed stoically silent, hanging on my every word with such intensity. I continued. "But I now see that I was wrong. This is going to be the most selfish, immoral thing I've ever done… I think I'm developing feelings for you, Anthony….. and I'm asking you not to care about that. Stick to the original plan and marry Edwina. I never planned on getting married; I don't feel like I can give you what she can," I'll be too busy with PhD.
Anthony blinked back down to the floor, his sweaty palms clasping so entirely tight at they must have ached. A pregnant pause filled the room as I waited patiently for him to reply. "So you're alright then…. with me marrying your sister?" "Absolutely." His head gradually turned to face me again, this depressed grin resting on his lips. "I'm relieved to hear you say that. Since we're being honest, I never thought to ask to marry you….. o-or someone like you, I mean!" This shocked and appalled me but he went on to offer an explanation. "My dad died when he was in his late forties from a bee sting. He's allergic and so I am; I inherited that from him." Silence. "I saw what his passing did to my mother- how the grief consumed her alive. She's never been the same woman since he died; she still brings flowers to his grave every Sunday." More silence. Anthony appeared to be on the verge of tears again.
"I watched the grief destroy her…. and us in the process, and I swore I'd never be the cause of so much pain. That is a fate I'd never wish on you…. o-or anyone! But that's why I chose Edwina. I need someone who's detached from me….. so that I don't have to worry. That's why I'd never dream of marry you, Kate. You're too… precious," he exclaimed and my heart skipped a beat- several actually. My eyes were as large as dinner plates and my jaw was hanging open a sliver. "A-Anthony!"
Neither of us said anything more for a minute. We merely stared into each other's eyes, letting the comfortable quiet linger. Eventually, however, I smiled again. My hand stretched over to grab one of his, coiling my fingers around the back of his palm. My eyes softened a tiny bit.
"I know what it's like to watch your parent's life implode in on itself; the same thing happened with my dad. He became a wreck after our mom left…. and he was never to resemble his heart again." Pause. "I grew up being told constantly that true love doesn't exist, that all romance love dies sooner or later…. Love dies, but the pain it leaves lingers. It's just not worth the risk, since the pain never dies, he taught me…." Another pause. "He made me promise him that I'd never be so stupid; he made me promise him I'd never get married myself. He also told me to look after Edwina….. since our mom never bothered to.
That's why I want you to marry my sister…. and why I can't get married….. to anyone."
Anthony simply stared deep into my eyes. Soon, after a long moment for him to contemplate everything I'd just said, he finally let himself smile. His eyes smiled at mine. "Sounds like we're both pretty broken…." He chuckled and I laughed, nodding in total agreement. "That's what childhood trauma will do to you." His hand gave mine an adoring squeeze. "But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy right now…" "I'm happy too, Anthony." "I want you to stay with us….. with me, for as long as you can," his eyes glimmered, as did mine. "I want you to marry Edwina…. while also knowing that I like you…. a little," I told him, and he laughed, shaking his head relaxed.
"You're right. That is probably the most selfish thing you've ever done. Now I've got to live with that knowledge… somehow." "That's your burden, just like watching Edwina become your wife is mine. We both know how screwed up we are, and that our logic doesn't make sense to anyone but us….. But we both have something we want." "I don't want you to become a grieving, lifeless messy when I die," he admitted, and my head nodded. "And I don't want to end up like my father, forever dealing with the pain of a broken heart. I saw what it did to him….. and swore to myself that it'd never happen to me."
Anthony continued to behold me a moment longer, his free hand reaching up to brush some stray hairs from my forehead. He breathed so calmly and I did the same, letting the backs of his fingers linger on the side of my cheek momentarily.
"That's what life is, isn't it? You're born, you suffer tremendous amounts of pain, and then you die. And for what?" "That's the question I've been asking since I was little, but there are still good things to find and enjoy in between the moments of suffering…" And Anthony let himself smile freely, proceeding to wrap his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close. "You're right….. you've always been right." I grinned, resting my head down onto his shoulder. He sighed again. "In some weird, bizarre way we're trying to protect each other and ourselves… Maybe therapy would help?" "Heh, I think we both need years of therapy to get ourselves sorted," I giggled. His breathing was low and he gently shut his eyes, keeping his arm wrapped protectively around me. "Just stay close, Kate… Stay close to me." "I will for as long as I am able." Anthony let out a contented sigh. "Good.
Everything feels like it'll be alright… when you're nearby."
