yes this was inspired by calvin and habs, and the original idea was not mine. Go subscribe to them for quality German skits youtube shorts aaaa
side story: snapple.
disclaimer: i don't own Sakamoto Days, Snapple, Evangelion, Nokia or Fruit Ninja. This is simply a fanfiction.
Here we are, in an unknown unspecified time in the future, our main character, Asuka is having a sleepover in Shinji's house for some reason. The fiery red-haired girl was lazily playing 'Fruit Ninja' in her futon, bored as hell. Shinji was absent at the moment, going out to buy some drinks and snacks.
"What should I do now... It's so boring!" Throwing the Nokia smartphone aside after she accidentally cut a bomb and failed the game, Asuka rolled back and forth in her futon, frustrated by the silence. "I'm thirsty. Let's go get something to drink."
Standing up, the red-haired girl rushed into the kitchen and opened all the drawers, trying to find a soft drink to quench her thirst. When she opened the fridge, her eyes were immediately glued to the fruit-flavored plastic bottles on the top of the refrigerator.
"...Oh hell yeah." The EVA pilot grabbed all of them without hesistation. Opening one of them, she smiled devilishly at the bottle's lid. "It's going to be a great night."
*a few moment later*
"I'm back." Shinji said, clearly exhausted after going to the grocery store. The small mart was unbelievably crowded with a bunch of weirdos, claiming that they were assassins or something similar, only to be beaten by the fat manager using chewing gums. Shinji made a mental note not to visit that place again as he opened the door...
Only to see a bottle's cap on the floor. Puzzled, the boy wondered what the lid is doing here. He picked it up and noticed that there was a small red inscription on it, "Look at the facts", it said. Obeying the instruction, he flipped the lid over to see the words printed under the lid. "This was written in German? Oh, let's translate it... 'The most common wish on a child's Christmas list is... a father.' What did I just read."
"German Snapple, ja." The one and only Asuka Langley Soryu walked out the kitchen and faced Shinji, who was still traumatized by the fact he read. "Here, do another." Handing him a Snapple, the redhead simply stared at the boy who nervously held the bottle in his hand. "What are you waiting for, baka Shinji?"
"Do I have to?"
"Yes, now open and read it." She said excitedly.
Defeated by the German's attitude, the young Ikari opened the bottle and read the sentence printed under the cap. "Ahem, 'wolves don't howl at the moon, they howl because they experience severe grief'... Okay, now this's just sad. Why the hell are those so negative?" He said while looking down on the bottle, imagining the poor wolves howling in pain.
"Ja, it's a gift to feel grief, baka. Because life is unending cycles of suffering and pain, it's a constant struggle. And I like it." She said emptyly while staring at Shinji like a lifeless doll, her blue eyes slowly faded into a dull, emotionless pair of orbs, and the background slowly being darkened... "Mhm. Here, do another!" Shinji blinked his eyes and everything returned to normal, seeing the red-haired girl excitedly handing him another Snapple.
"Fine. This is the last one, alright?" Snatching the cursed Snapple off the girl's hand, Shinji rolled his eyes before starting to read the cap's fact. " 'CPRs mostly fail'. Alright, I'm done. The Snapple snapped my day in half."
"FAKTEN, SHINJI, FAKTEN!" Asuka screamed at the now mentally-scarred boy sitting down on his couch like a bag of potato. She took a Werner Herzog shirt out of nowhere and threw it on the boy. "It's terrible, but it's facts, Shinji. FAKTEN FAKTEN FAKTEN!"
Crushed by the existential nihilism of the shirt, Shinji passed away. He will certainly be remembered by family and friends as a good son and friend, while Asuka will be still reading German Snapple facts at his funeral. The end.
p/s: nothing beats a German Snapple fact after a tiring day.
