Never Have I Ever…" pt. 2.11
Chapter 13
Bucky woke up with the morning sun in his face. At first he thought it was still night time and someone was shining a flashlight in his face but as he woke, he could feel the warmth of the sun on his cheeks and a light breeze ruffled his hair. As he pried his eyes open he raised his hand to shield them against the bright light and realized the sun was peeking through the thick branches of the trees overhead. The breeze that ruffled his hair also made the branches sway, and the leaves blocked out the sun every few seconds.
He turned his face away from the open window so he could open his eyes and looked around. It was definitely morning and Steve wasn't up yet, he realized. Steve always woke up first and was often in the shower or making breakfast before he even stirred. Bucky got up on his elbows and smiled softly to himself; realizing he'd slept through the night. No dreams to wake him. No nightmare to make him yell out and scare Steve half to death.
'Whatd'ya know?' He didn't know what to make of that or if he should dare to hope he'd seen the last of those night terrors. He doubted that, but would take a peaceful night's sleep any time fate wanted to hand him one.
He knew Steve would be waking up soon so he decided to make breakfast for them as a surprise. Steve always did so much for him… and never complained. Bucky knew he couldn't be an easy person to live with; not with all the issues that popped up so frequently. He certainly never wanted to make Steve's life harder than it had to be; he just had to get past some of his larger issues and maybe then he could put them behind him.
He went into the bathroom to take care of morning business. He'd showered only a few hours ago so he just washed his face, combed his hair, and dragged a razor over a growing beard. It was difficult to get a completely clean shave with a manual razor, so it always left behind a five o'clock shadow. He liked it though. It wasn't a full beard, just stubble, but when he was completely shaved down to the skin he looked a lot younger than he felt most of the time so he preferred to leave a little on.
When he came out of the bathroom, he paused and decided to pull the bedroom door closed a bit so his movements wouldn't disturb Steve. Then he changed into a fresh tee shirt and a pair of shorts that he could even wear as swim trunks if he decided to take a few laps out to the dock later.
After he changed, he opened the cabinet containing the stereo and flicked the lever to Radio to get an idea of what kind of music Steve liked. He looked toward the bedroom just to be sure the door was still closed and kept the volume low enough not to disturb Steve, but loud enough so he could move with the music as he tidied up. He always liked swaying with the music and he loved to sing; not that he let anyone in on that fact.
Back at the psych hospital they let him have one hour of private time in the day room each day until he got better around other people. He'd use that time to listen to the radio and after a while he'd learned a lot of the songs that repeated on the station every day and found that he always felt uplifted when he'd move to the rhythm and discovered he loved to sing too. Sometimes quite loudly, but no one ever came in to tell him to be quiet.
He listened for a moment and recognized the song that was playing. It was called "Total Eclipse of the Heart". It was halfway through to the end, but he liked this song; it held a lot of meaning for him. He stood in front of the stereo focused on the words… now and then his mind would take them in and his vocal cords would push them out so he could hear them in his own voice.
"Every now and then, I fall apart," – and wasn't that the truth.
The song continued without his accompaniment, but he remained focused on the words. 'Turn around, bright eyes' - he thought about Steve's brilliant blue eyes… and he smiled softly as the words continued.
'Every now and then, I fall apart, and I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ever. And if you only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever.'
His voice came back to him as he thought about a forever with Steve. "And we'll only be making it right," he sang softly, "- 'cause we'll never be wrong. Together we can take it to the end of the line. Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark-."
His voice trailed off as he realized the words to this song described him and his situation to a tee… and Steve… and it made him realize how much he really needed Steve in his life. He knew he wanted to keep Steve in his life… and not just as a friend. There's a lot to be said about a truly profound friendship; which is what he and Steve have always shared. It should never be taken lightly, nor for granted; and it never was, by either of them, but… Bucky wanted more.
He let the song continue without joining in as he made up the futon and made sure the cover blanket was straight and smooth and made sure the afghan hung neatly across the back. He opened the front door to let the refreshing breeze come in and went to the kitchen to start cooking breakfast.
Before he had a chance to actually turn on the stovetop to heat the pan, a stronger gust sent forest debris through the open doorway and littered the wood floor with pine needles and leaves. It also caused the door to open wider and slam against the back of the chair that Steve sat in for their meals at the little table.
Bucky cringed and ran over to secure the door, using the chair to hold it against the wall so it wouldn't bang again and wake up Steve. He looked at the floor and sighed. 'Okay, no problem,' he thought silently and grabbed the broom that was tucked in between the wall and the fridge.
A loud banging sound pulled Steve from his sleep. He was on his belly again with his head tucked under the pillow that was now resting on top of his head instead of the other way around. He always managed to burrow under it in his sleep with his left arm also tucked up under the pillow.
As he roused from sleep, he lifted his head off the mattress and the pillow tumbled over his shoulder. He opened one eye, squinting against the sunlit room and propped himself up on his elbows. He listened for the sound that woke him but didn't hear it again and then realized it was actually morning. 'Had he slept through the entire night? Did he not hear Bucky yelling out in his sleep?'
He rolled over; still holding himself up on his elbows and focused his hearing to the other room. The bedroom door had been fully open when he went to bed last night, but now it had been pulled closed… almost. It stood ajar, but had been closed to probably shield him from the sound of the radio he now realized was playing softly in the other room. Steve blinked and rubbed a hand over his eyes and decided he'd better go check on Bucky.
Steve slid to the edge of the bed and put his feet on the floor. He took a moment to yawn and stretch and then paused to listen to the music coming from the living room. His brow knitted and he smiled, wondering what was going on in the other room as he realized he could hear Bucky's voice singing along with the radio.
He stood up and put his ear to the open door to listen for a second and then he peered out through the opening. He couldn't see Bucky but he could hear him. Steve grinned and opened the door, being careful not to make a sound. He stepped out and immediately stopped, watching Bucky sweeping up a mess on the floor as he swayed with the broom as if it was a dancing partner… and he was singing.
"Every now and then, I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be. Turn arouuuund. Every now and then, I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am.
"Turn arouuuund. Every now and then, I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as youuuu!"
And after Bucky swept the debris out the door, he turned around to see Steve standing there watching him… smiling. Bucky paused only a moment and then smiled back as he continued to sing softly. "Turn arouuuund… every now and then I know there's nothing any better. There's nothing that I just wouldn't do."
He'd let the radio take care of part of the chorus (Turn around, bright eyes)
He moved toward Steve, pretending the broom was a dance partner and sang out loud, "Every now and then, I fall aparrrrt." And he smiled at Steve… and Steve smiled back because they both knew that was the truth.
(Turn around, bright eyes)
"Every now and then, I fall aparrrrt," Bucky sang as he danced up to Steve.
The two friends smiled at one another as Bucky swayed with the broom and then he propped the broom against the wall as he took Steve's hand, pulling him toward the living room where there was more space for them to move around.
"Buck -," Steve said, trying to get out of this. He remembered when they were younger, how many times Bucky would pull him onto the floor in his mom's apartment to try to teach him how to dance. Bucky was graceful and agile; always the athlete… even more so now with the training of the Winter Soldier… but Steve still felt like he had two left feet when it came to grace on the dance floor.
Bucky ignored his attempt to derail his plan as he placed Steve where he wanted him and proceeded to dance around him… taking his hand to spin him now and again whenever the song told Bright Eyes to Turn Around. Steve couldn't help but laugh at his own ineptitude, as Bucky danced in a circle around him, moving his hips in time with the beat as his upper body swayed and his head followed the motion a second later. He bit down lightly on his bottom lip during the pauses between sentences as he waited for the lyrics to come back. Steve watched the play of his teeth and tongue on his lips and that made Barnes smile.
"And I need you now tonight… and I need you more than ever," Buck sang as he danced in a circle around Steve. When he sang the words iI need you tonight/i he leaned toward Steve, bringing his face close before backing away again. "And if you only hold me tight," Bucky sang, wrapping his arms around himself as mimicking someone else's arms holding him. "We'll be holding on forever…" Bucky suddenly stopped in front of Steve with a shocked expression as he realized what he was singing… and then rustled up the courage to finish the verse as he looked Steve squarely in the eye. "And we'll only be making it right, 'Cause we'll never be wrong. Together we can take it to the end of the line." His eyes filled with tears as he sang the very familiar words the two friends had shared for decades, he smiled softly at Steve and finished the verse as he suddenly moved again and spun around him. "Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time…. I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark. We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. I really need you tonight. Forever's gonna start tonight." He stopped in front of Steve again and stared into his eyes. "Forever's gonna start tonight."
The two men stood quietly now, staring into each other's eyes and both were holding back the tears building as the song continued without Bucky's accompaniment.
Once upon a time, I was falling in love, But now I'm only falling apart. There's nothing I can do. A total eclipse of the heart.
Once upon a time, there was light in my life. But now there's only love in the dark. Nothing I can say. A total eclipse of the heart. A total eclipse of the heart…. A total eclipse of the heart…
Bucky pulled his gaze away from Steve and stepped back as the song concluded. He looked at the floor and then back to Steve to gauge his reaction. Steve just looked back at him… he wasn't angry or shocked, not that Barnes could tell anyway. He was just standing there, where Bucky had put him and his eyes were soft and he had a small smile on his face… 'that is a smile, right?' he thought and suddenly felt shy and awkward again.
He turned away, grabbed the broom and brought it to the kitchen. He placed it back from where he'd gotten it and threw a glance over his shoulder to see if Steve was still there. Yep he was.
"Sorry if I woke you," Bucky offered a bit belatedly. Steve's smile widened at the absurdity of the apology after that entire show for his benefit.
"I'm not," Steve told him.
Bucky looked over at him and smiled.
"I'd be sad if I had missed that," he told him truthfully and watched Bucky blush a little. Steve was pretty sure none of the signals Barnes just gave him were mixed in any way and his heart was bounding in his chest. He watched Bucky move around in the kitchen and appreciated the view openly for the first time; his broad shoulders and narrow waist, the thickness of his arms and thighs… and how the shorts he wore covered that shapely, well-toned ass. He didn't care if Bucky noticed him staring, not after that little display. If Barnes had wanted to be clear about his feelings for Steve, he just pulled it off in a brilliantly clever way.
"I was going to make us breakfast," Bucky told him, still feeling suddenly shy. "I figured you'd be as hungry as I am."
"Oh... I am," Steve replied and he wasn't talking about breakfast.
He wondered if the double entendre registered with his friend and then watched as Bucky stopped moving. Steve knew then, when Bucky went still that his tone had been picked up precisely the way he'd hoped. Steve watched as Barnes just stood there, but he could see by the rise and fall of his back and shoulders that he was breathing deeply… and that was usually caused by an adrenaline rush… the uptick in the beat of the human heart.
Steve smiled at Bucky's back and then walked to the kitchen to help him prepare breakfast. As he stopped beside Barnes, Bucky glanced in his direction but didn't lift his head up to look at him directly. Steve smiled again at the uncertainty his friend now displayed. It didn't matter though, if Bucky felt unsure after that little show… because Steve had no more doubts about where he wanted this relationship to go.
He also knew he'd have to take it really slow. Knowing what he'd learned about Bucky's sexual abuse at the hands of Hydra, Steve didn't see them ever being able to have a completely physical relationship, but he wanted whatever Bucky was able to give him. Up to now, their relationship consisted of only supportive touches and hugs of friendship… he could continue to live with that as long as he could actually say the words and tell Barnes how much he truly loved him. That would make it all worth it.
Steve held the mixing bowl and beat the eggs until they were a frothy batter. Bucky was already cooking up a pound of bacon and was placing another four strips on a plate covered with paper towels so the grease could get soaked up. Steve smiled watching him work. He focused so hard on cooking the bacon perfectly to his taste. Steve didn't mind if there was a little softness to the bacon, but Barnes was adamant that it had to be well-cooked and if it came out black he didn't care. For him, black bacon simply meant it was even more perfect. It had to crunch when he bit into it or it was no good.
Knowing Bucky wouldn't even start cooking the French toast until the bacon was done; Steve decided to save some time and go take care of the needs he hadn't gotten to yet. He put the bowl on the counter and laid his hand softly on Bucky's shoulder. There was no real reason for him to ihave/i to touch Bucky, but he felt the connection would help Barnes relax again. The uncertainty rolling off him was so thick it could be cut with a knife. The touch worked, Steve immediately felt the tension leave his shoulder and Bucky looked up at him.
"I'm going to go wash up before breakfast, okay?" Steve told him and then grinned at him. "I didn't get a chance to take care of anything before our dance."
Bucky smiled and let out a soft laugh. He nodded and turned his attention back to the pan on the stove now spitting bacon grease so he turned down the temperature. Steve gave his shoulder a squeeze and then went to the bathroom.
Steve washed his face and ran his hands through his hair to dampen it then ran a comb through it. As he shaved, staring at his face in the mirror, he realized he couldn't stop smiling. That alone made shaving a bit difficult, but Steve had never felt happiness like this. Not even when he'd thought he was in love with Peggy Carter… his infatuation with her, he now knew had been a crush. Having her in his life had caused a feeling inside him that was similar to the feeling he'd had for Bucky when he was 12 years old. That feeling had grown to nearly overwhelming proportions when he was 14.
His mother had a good sense of his feelings for Bucky Barnes and she had hinted many times that she understood it and even supported it – because Bucky's presence in Steve's life meant Sarah didn't have to worry about her son. Bucky would always keep him safe, she knew that. She had also cautioned him strongly about letting anyone know exactly how much he loved James, because he and Bucky would be in grave danger if anyone in the neighborhood found out.
He understood that and spent the following decade hiding his feelings toward Barnes; sometimes even trying to push him away for his own good. Telling Bucky he could get by on his own; essentially without him, after his mom passed away. Bucky was insistent though and refused to leave Steve's side.
Steve wiped the remnants of loose whiskers and foam from his face with a towel and then leaned against the sink to look himself in the eyes. He smiled with the realization that they now lived together in a new age, where the relationship between two men didn't have to be solely platonic. They both had seventy years of their lives taken from them only to have fate push them back together. This had to be why. They weren't just friends; they were soul mates… and it was time to start exploring that. It was past time.
He smiled at himself in the mirror, gave a nod and opened the bathroom door. Breakfast was getting cold and the fish were waiting.
And so was Bucky.
