Never Have I Ever…" pt. 2.13
Chapter 15
Summary: Steve and Bucky have a discussion that leads to an understanding and changes their futures.
The next morning, Steve woke up to breakfast already being made and realized he'd gone another night without being awakened at 3 a.m. by Bucky's nightmare. He was pretty sure that those terrifying dreams hadn't simply disappeared but the events of the past couple of days had given Barnes some respite from the stressors in his life and for that, Steve was thankful.
After breakfast was done, Steve offered to do the dishes since Bucky cooked, but he insisted on helping, ignoring Steve's attempts to shoo him away. Barnes refused to move and just picked up a dish towel and waited for the first plate. He'd stayed beside him as Steve washed the dishes and Bucky dried them and put them away. As they worked side by side, Steve wondered if Bucky was feeling as domestic as he was at that moment. That was the moment Steve realized he really wanted this… with Bucky… forever. Not just having him in his apartment until he recovered enough to get his own place, but Steve wanted him in his place… which had always been by Steve Rogers' side.
Just as they were finishing the dishes there was a sound of thunder in the distance. They looked at each other and Bucky handed Steve the dry plate and went to the door to check the sky. He stepped out onto the deck still holding the dish towel and could see the darkened sky in the distance through the leaves of the trees. He put his hands on his hips and watched the strengthening breeze flipping over the leaves on the trees.
He stepped back inside and closed the door. "Well, if you had any plans for outside activities today, they're going to have to wait until the storm is over."
"Incoming?" Steve asked, turning toward Bucky as he closed the cabinet.
"Coming this way," Bucky told him with a grin.
"Well… you have your book and I have my sketch pad."
Bucky's head tilted to the side as if to say 'not again'. Steve laughed softly at the expression on Bucky's face.
"Don't worry… I'll find something else to draw," Steve assured him and wiped the sink clean. He wrung out the sponge and put it in the little dish then joined Bucky in the living area.
They sat together on the futon in comfortable silence as Steve sketched whatever came to mind and Bucky turned the pages of his book. At one point Steve got a sense of déjà vu and looked up from his sketch to look at Bucky. This moment seemed to be frozen in time as Steve's thoughts went back to summer 1932. He had just turned fifteen and Bucky was sixteen and they were doing this exact same thing on Steve's bed. He was still looking at Bucky as his mind drifted to a time long ago.
A loud rumble of thunder pulled him out of his thoughts and as he refocused his attention he noticed Bucky was looking at him. "You okay?" Bucky asked.
"Yeah," Steve replied with a smile, "just lost in thought." Another loud rumble overhead and a sudden downpour made them both look out the window. "Wow, it's really coming down out there," Steve observed. He looked at Bucky who was still watching the curtain of rain pounding the ground. "You want some coffee?" he asked and Bucky turned back and nodded.
They continued with their quiet reading and sketching and listening to the sounds of the thunderstorm. It was actually really cozy and comfortable and so familiar. Steve's thoughts went right back to him and Bucky having a domestic private life together. He had finally gotten a really clear signal from Barnes that told Steve that his friend felt the same attraction toward him as he'd had for James his entire life. How could he not have known sooner? Could he be misreading the song and dance Bucky gave him yesterday? He smiled at that –'song and dance', but this time it was in a good way.
His attention was suddenly pulled to Barnes who slapped the book closed and put it down. He slid off the futon and stood up to stretch and twist out the kinks in his back. He looked out the window to see the rain had nearly stopped and the sun was shining on the other side of the lake.
"Storm's almost over," he told Steve.
"It was kind of nice," Steve replied sounding a little sad that it was over so soon. Bucky turned to look at him, considering his words and nodded.
"Yeah, it was nice," he agreed.
"Hey," Steve said, getting an idea. "How about giving me another dance lesson?"
Bucky turned away from the window and looked at him with a confused expression. "I didn't think you liked it when I made you get up to dance."
Steve smiled at him and decided to share a secret with him. "You do realize you can't make me do anything, right? No more than I would ever want you to feel like I make you do anything. Remember what we discussed last night?"
Bucky nodded with a grin. "So… when I pull you onto the floor and you grumble about being a lost cause on the dance floor…"
Steve smiled at him and shrugged. "I don't really mind."
Bucky chuckled at that revelation. "You're an ass."
"Yes," Steve agreed and held up an index finger, "but… I'm America's ass."
Bucky laughed at that. "That's not really true. Your ass is America's ass."
"Actually, my ass belongs to you," he countered and when Bucky's smile disappeared and he looked at him with his mouth slightly open, Steve realized what he'd said. "You know what I mean," he added, with a sweeping gesture as if trying to erase what he'd said. Bucky gave a nod and dropped his gaze to the floor as if not knowing what to do in the awkward moment. "Umm… still want to give me a lesson?"
Bucky looked at him again and smiled. "Sure," he said and moved toward the radio closet.
Steve stood up as Bucky walked past him and waited in the center of the open area between the living room and the bathroom. It was as if the 8x8 foot area had been kept clear specifically for dancing. Steve's brow furrowed at that thought and he had to wonder. "Hmm," he shrugged, whether it had been used for that purpose by the previous owners or not he decided he'd definitely keep it this way just for Bucky.
He waited as Bucky turned on the radio. There was a song already playing and nearly over. It was a faster song than what they could realistically slow dance to, but that didn't stop Bucky. He turned around to face Steve with a smile and began to move to the final verses of You Make My Dreams Come True.
Steve couldn't help but smile as Bucky got into the rhythm of the faster song and moved toward him with the beat. As he moved his hips and shoulders, he made his way toward Steve, giving him a show and the words of the song didn't escape either of them as Bucky sang them to Steve as he moved around him while waiting for a slower song to come on the radio.
"On a night when bad dreams become a screamer… When they're messing with the dreamer…. I can laugh it in the face," he sang as he came around Steve to the front to face him. "Twist and shout my way out, and wrap yourself around me, 'Cause a-I ain't the way you found me… And I'll never be the same, oh yeah, well 'cause you… oh yeah…"
As the song wound down to the end, he slowed his movements as he also became aware of the words he'd just sung. Steve watched him closely and hoped their plans weren't about to be derailed. Songs had a profound way of touching people deep in their souls and that's probably why Bucky loved to dance so much. Song lyrics proclaimed the things he couldn't, either through his own fears of being rejected or because he believed society would not approve. Steve waited and hoped the next song to come on would be a nice slow one that Bucky could use to teach him how to slow dance.
He wasn't disappointed as the next song began to play. Bucky shook off the last song and smiled at him as he moved in close. "This one should work," he said as he put his right hand on Steve's hip and the other he raised for his partner to take. Steve put his right hand in Bucky's metal hand and his other on his shoulder since Barnes was leading the dance lesson.
As they swayed with the music, the words began and Steve sang along with them. He kept his voice soft as if he was singing it to his partner and he felt the slight tightening of Bucky's fingers on his hip so he knew he was listening and reacting to them.
"I've been lonely, I've been waiting for you, I'm pretending and that's all I can do… the love I'm sending ain't making it through to your heart…" Steve sang and Bucky's head lowered as he listened to the words in Steve's voice. "You've been hiding, never letting it show, always trying… to keep it under control… you got it down and you're well on your way to the top, but there's something that you forgot. What about love? Don't you want someone to care about you? And what about love? Don't let it slip awaaaay." He directed the words toward Bucky's ear as he pulled him closer, dropping his hand from Bucky's shoulder to press against his back. He pulled Barnes closer and he didn't resist. As Steve continued to sing to him, he felt Bucky's chin resting on his shoulder.
They stood holding each other and simply swayed on their feet, not really dancing but focusing more on the words of the song and the sensation of being physically close and pressing against one another.
"What about love?" Steve sang softly in Bucky's ear. "I only want to share it with you, you might need it somedaaaaayyyy."
"I can't tell you, what you're feeling inside, and I can't sell you, what you don't want to buy, something's missing, you got to look back on your life, you know something here just ain't right… What about love? Don't you want someone to care about you? What about love? Don't let it slip awaaaay…"
He felt Bucky's fingers loosen and he slowly pulled away. Steve tightened his grip on Bucky's hand, trying to signal him that it's okay. As Barnes stepped back Steve removed his hand from where it rested against his back so he wouldn't feel restrained, but he tried to keep his hand in Bucky's grip.
"What about love? I only want to share it with you," Steve pushed out the words and left the song to finish on its own as Bucky focused on them and what Steve was singing to him.
What about love?
Don't you want someone to care about you?
What about love?
Don't let it slip away
As Bucky disconnected his hand from Steve's, Steve panicked and quickly stepped forward. He reached out and took Bucky's face in his hands and stepped up to him before either of them really knew what was happening.
Bucky froze as Steve's hands cradled his face and then Steve was there, pressing his mouth against his. Bucky's eyes squeezed shut and he focused on the sensation of Steve's soft lips pressing urgently against his.
Steve focused on the feel of Bucky's face in the palms of his hands, the sensation of his beard stubble against his fingers and the heat of his soft wide lips against his own. He held himself there for the longest seconds of his life and when he realized Bucky had frozen when they came together, Steve pulled away and looked at him. He was still cradling his friend's face in his hands as Bucky slowly opened his eyes and looked at him.
The surprised expression on Bucky's face triggered Steve's panic. He dropped his hands, releasing his friend and took a step backward. "Buck… I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking. I just reacted -."
Steve's words were cut off as Bucky now surged forward, grabbing his upper arms and pushed him back. Steve shrank a bit thinking Barnes was attacking him as he was being pushed backward. Steve was stunned as his back slammed into the wall behind him and his mouth was crushed under Bucky's again. His brain reeled as he realized Bucky was kissing him back and rather hungrily. Steve opened his mouth to Bucky's desperate one and the two clashed in a heated kiss that had waited nearly a century to be shared.
Bucky's hands came up to hold Steve's head in place as he devoured his mouth, their tongues wrestling each other in a desperate fight of pure passion. Steve's arms wrapped around Bucky and held him tight to him as Barnes took what he wanted.
Bucky was so hungry for the love he'd been denied for decades that he began to crush Steve's body against the wall with his own. His hips pressed against Steve's as he began to grind his body against him. Steve realized that this was quickly moving to a place Steve didn't really think Barnes was emotionally ready for and he didn't want him doing anything he'd regret or feel ashamed for later. He began to push against Barnes to get some space between them but Bucky fought to stay there, crushing his mouth against Steve's.
"Buck-," Steve tried to get his attention before his words were swallowed up by Barnes' hungry mouth. He pushed against him again and got some air between them. Before he lost his chance again he tried to hold Bucky at a distance as he quickly called out, "Bucky…. Stop! Slow down!"
Bucky blinked at him as if not comprehending his words and pressed forward against Steve's push back. "Buck, stop… please, stop. We need to talk," he said.
Barnes ceased his forward movement and became aware of Steve's hands pushing him away. He looked down at them as they pressed hard against his biceps and then back to Steve's face. His face twisted slightly into a frown of confusion and he shook his head as if to ask 'why?'
"What?" Bucky asked, dumbfounded and panting for air; not understanding why Steve was pushing him away.
"We need to talk," Steve told him. "Before this goes any further -."
Bucky blinked at him and pulled away. His eyes were wide and his chest rose and fell rapidly as he tried to catch his breath. He stepped backward and dropped his head. What was this? Did he not understand…?
"Buck -," Steve realized Barnes was beginning to panic, thinking he'd done something wrong. "It's okay," he started to tell him but Barnes bolted. He moved fast toward the door and Steve tried to catch him before he got outside. "Buck, no!"
The door flew open and Barnes ran straight for the lake. Steve chased after him but he couldn't catch him. Bucky reached the shore and dove into the water and swam. Steve came to a halt on the shore knowing he'd never catch Bucky in the water… or even on land once he began moving at top speed. Steve knew Bucky misunderstood why he stopped them and he kicked himself now for instigating the entire thing before ever having the talk with Bucky he needed to have.
The sun was starting to peek through the cloud cover of the passing storm so he didn't have to worry about his friend with the metal arm being in the water during a thunderstorm, but he still worried greatly. Bucky thought he was being rejected and he wasn't… Steve just wanted a chance to discuss a possible physical relationship with him before they moved in that direction because of what happened to Barnes in the hands of Hydra.
He just wanted to be sure Bucky knew what he was doing. He'd pushed him away for his own good, thinking that was the best course of action and in Bucky's best interest. He never expected, but probably should have, expected Bucky to feel he was being rejected. Steve dropped down to sit on the ground and waited for him to return.
Steve waited an hour and when he still didn't see Bucky returning, began to worry. Having the strength of a super soldier didn't mean he didn't eventually tire from physical exertion, it only meant it took longer to reach exhaustion than a normal person. He stood up and walked into the water, opting to keep his shirt on this time, and slowly swam out to the floating dock. He pulled himself up and stood there looking out over the water, scanning for movement.
About ten minutes later, something in the distance caught his attention and he kept his eyes on it. It took a while before it got close enough to identify and he took a deep breath and let it out when he was able to recognize that it was Bucky. He must have swum nearly the full length of the lake and he still had enough energy to swim like an Olympian athlete taking laps in a pool.
As Barnes got closer and passed under the buoy line, Steve sat down on the edge of the dock hoping Bucky would see him and stop to talk to him. Steve watched him get closer, and at one point Bucky glanced up at him and they looked at each other for a few seconds.
"Buck –," Steve offered in an attempt to talk to him.
Barnes dropped his gaze and continued swimming past the dock and straight to shore. Steve watched him and deflated a little. He hadn't meant to upset Bucky but at least he returned to the cabin. That gave him a chance to explain at the very least. Steve stood up and walked to the opposite side and dove into the water. By the time he got to shore and back inside the cabin, Bucky was in the shower.
Steve used one of the dry hand towels still on the kitchen island to dry his hair. He peeled off his soaked tee shirt and went to his room to change into dry lounge pants and a fresh tee. He'd shower later. He sat at the kitchen table as he waited for Barnes to emerge from the bathroom. He'd thought about waiting on the futon but that was Bucky's bed… his safe place. He wasn't happy with Steve at the moment and he didn't want to strip him of the spot he needed to be at peace.
Bucky finally emerged from the bathroom and the steam filling the tiny room followed him out into the hallway area. He'd donned a tee shirt and a pair of light sweatpants. He paused momentarily when he saw Steve watching him from the kitchen then walked straight to the futon and moved as close to the window as he could get, pulling one knee up as if putting a shield between himself and Rogers. He didn't pick up his book or look out the window; he just sat there with his head down, deep in thought.
Steve stood up slowly and took a few steps closer to where Bucky was sitting. Barnes knew he was moving but he didn't raise his eyes to him. Steve felt so bad about putting Bucky through this upset and the confusion and humiliation he must be feeling – and there was no need for him to feel any of it. Steve handled it completely wrong and he hated himself for this.
"Buck," he said softly.
"Leave me alone," Bucky replied not looking at him. His voice was rough and sounded angry and… heartbroken.
Steve fought to hold back his tears. He wanted to cry and beg for his forgiveness. "Bucky, please…"
"Leave me alone!" Bucky told him heatedly.
"I don't want to leave you alone!" Steve shouted back and a tear rolled down his cheek. "I want… you! I do! I'm sorry! I didn't mean for you to think I was pushing you away! I wanted that so badly… for so long," Steve told him as quickly as he could get it out before Bucky decided to get up and punch him in the face.
Bucky rested his arms atop his knee and put his head down, trying to block out Steve's words. Steve saw what he was trying to do so he had to chance it. He walked over and sat down on the futon, facing Barnes and reached out to lay his hand on Bucky's metal arm. Bucky raised his arm quickly as if trying to dislodge a fly, but Steve didn't let go.
"Bucky, please listen to me… I wanted that so bad. I still want that… I didn't really want to stop. I didn't want to push you away, but -."
"But what?" Bucky asked angrily, lifting his head to look at Steve. His eyes were full of sorrow and anger. Steve could clearly see it all… his anger, his sadness, his longing, his humiliation. "You thought you'd see if you could get me to kiss you? And then what?" Bucky asked, feeling shamed and humiliated and fighting back his tears.
"That's not it, Buck," Steve told him. "I love you. I have always loved you."
Bucky looked at him again; this time his expression looked more confused than angry. Deep down he knew Steve Rogers would never do anything to purposely humiliate or hurt him and it was so easy for him to believe that Steve did love him. They'd been through far too much together to ever believe otherwise.
"Then why?" Bucky asked, his voice nearly a whisper.
Steve took a couple of breaths, realizing Bucky was giving him a chance to explain. "We just need to talk," Steve told him. "Before we go there. I don't mind if making out is all we ever do."
Bucky's expression twisted further into deeper confusion. He didn't understand what Steve was saying. "Is that all you want?" Bucky asked him. "You just want to make out?"
"If that's all you can do… I'll take it," Steve told him.
"That's what we were doing when you pushed me away," Buck told him.
"I know… but it felt like we were moving too fast toward… something else," Steve explained. "I just want to be sure we're both ready for that."
Bucky closed his eyes, now realizing that he'd probably given Steve the impression that he wanted to have sex with him right then and there and he wasn't ready for that. Bucky sighed heavily and shook his head.
"I'm sorry, Steve," he said. "I didn't think… I'll take it slower. I promise. You can tell me when you're ready."
It was Steve's turn to look confused. "Why are you apologizing?"
Bucky looked at him and folded his legs down to sit Indian style. "I poured it on too fast. It's just… I love you too. I have since we were kids. You surprised me with that kiss, that's all… and I suddenly … you were right there, right where I always wanted you to be. You were singing that song… and the kiss… I'm sorry, I read too much into it. I'll go slower."
Steve looked at Barnes, confused. "No, Buck… I'm fine with it. I mean, I've never been with a guy before, but… if I'm going to be, I most definitely want that guy to be you." Bucky flashed him a small grin and waited for Steve to continue. "I just don't want you to feel pressured."
"I don't feel pressured," Bucky told him.
"Well, I need to be sure… after what Hydra did to you," Steve told him and Bucky's eyebrows shot to the top of his forehead. Steve looked at him and saw his expression and stopped.
"That's why you pushed me away? Because Hydra let their men rape me?" Bucky asked him straight out. No punches pulled on that one.
Steve felt lost suddenly. The way Bucky spat that out made it sound like Steve was in the wrong here. He thought he was being supportive and thoughtful. "Well… yeah," Steve told him. "We never talked about it… I wanted to be sure you were okay with a physical relationship before we entered that arena and you felt like you had to, to please me."
Bucky slid toward the edge of the futon and stood up. He stood in front of Steve with his head down, thoughtful, his hand rubbing his chin stubble as he thought about what he was hearing. Then he turned to face Steve, dropping his hand and raising his head. He looked directly at Steve.
"What Hydra did to me," he began slowly with great thought, "You could never do to me." Bucky paused between his sentences to be sure he was saying exactly what he wanted to say to Steve and nothing could be misinterpreted. "What they did to me… had nothing to do with sex. It was not a sex act… it was an act of abuse and it was torture. And that's all. They did what they did to break me… to show their power over me… to demonstrate their total control of me. It wasn't, in any way, what you and I can do to show our love for one another."
Steve sat on the futon listening to Bucky explain how he felt about his mistreatments in the hands of Hydra. He was absolutely taken aback that Bucky saw his rape as being nothing relating to sexual expression. To him, it was precisely what it was meant to be… a show of power and control. It was just one more painful treatment that they hadn't tried yet.
"When Tony brought it up… back at the compound," Steve tried to explain why he was confused. "The way you responded… as if you were hurt and humiliated… I thought, honestly, that being raped and having it revealed was painful for you."
Bucky tilted his head and smiled softly at Steve. "Tony disrespected me in that regard… and in doing so he was showing a total lack of compassion or empathy toward a survivor of abuse… It was hurtful and humiliating. It was my experience to share if I chose to. It was personal and private… and he took that choice away from me. I've had enough of people taking my choices away from me, so I reacted."
"You told me, you didn't want to talk about it… that you never wanted me to know," Steve reminded him in a quiet voice.
Bucky walked over and sat down beside Steve on the edge of the futon and looked him in the eyes. "I didn't," he told him honestly. "I didn't want you to ever find out… because of what happened today. I knew if you knew… you'd be hesitant about ever touching me." Bucky shrugged with a thought. "I didn't know if we'd ever get to this point, but I always hoped. And if there was any way that we'd get to this point in our relationship," he paused as his emotions rose to the surface and he fought back tears, "… I didn't want anything to get in the way of us being together… especially that."
"So…" Steve ventured still feeling like he should be walking on egg shells. "You're okay if we end up… getting there?"
Bucky smiled at him and breathed out a short laugh. "I'm more than okay with it. It's all I ever wanted… to be with you in every way." Steve smiled at him. Bucky smiled back and took Steve's hand in his. "We okay?" he asked.
Steve smiled and leaned toward him. Bucky watched him lean closer and waited for him. As Steve closed the distance, Bucky simply tilted his head to the right and felt Steve's lips press against his. He reached out and grabbed onto Steve's arms and leaned back, pulling Steve down onto the futon with him. The radio continued playing in the background as the evening drew to a peaceful close with the two friends in each other's arms.
End Notes: Song Credits
You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall and Oates
What About Love? By Heart
