Never Have I Ever, Part 2.20
Chapter 22
Summary: Bucky and Steve have an emotional moment on the pier. After their guests head for home, the boys end the day on a quiet note. Notes: This chapter is dedicated to bookandfrogreadergirl for taking the time to leave me feedback. Your comments lifted me up. – W6C
Steve and Bucky sat together on the pier watching Jack row the boat beyond the buoy line. He brought it to a stop as Tim cast his line. Deciding to fish that spot for a while, Jack stowed the oars and picked up the rod Steve had let him borrow.
Bucky appeared to be completely focused on the couple in the boat but Steve's attention was split between them and the tightening grip Barnes had on his hand. Steve was pleased when Bucky curled his fingers around his hand, but now he was aware of the fact that the grip had slowly tightened; as if Bucky wasn't as focused on the other couple as he was trying to appear to be.
"Buck?" Steve said quietly. Even though Barnes had his face turned away from him, Steve knew he was listening when he lowered his head slightly. "Bucky, what's going on?"
Bucky turned his face forward; seemingly reluctant to face Steve directly. His facial muscles tensed as he tried to keep his expression neutral, but Steve knew Barnes too well and could read worry and uncertainty in the lines on his face.
"What is it Buck?" Steve asked, lifting their clasped hands onto his lap. Bucky dropped his head further and Steve wrapped both hands around Bucky's. "Talk to me," he said softly; not wanting to push but to let him know it was safe to share.
"I'm scared," Bucky said without looking at him.
Steve's first instinct was to ask him what it was he feared, but he knew to what Barnes was referring. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly; squeezing Bucky's hand a little tighter he nodded. "I'm scared too," Steve admitted and that made Bucky turn to him.
"You are?" Bucky asked.
"Yeah, of course," Steve told him. "I've never -," he paused, not wanting to say 'I've never been with a man' for fear that Barnes might take that as an accusation that he had; but rape wasn't a personal choice so he was lost for words but only for a moment. "This is all new for me, too."
"I want it," Bucky told him, nodding with certainty, "… with you."
Bucky's words made him happy, but Steve could see he was struggling. "Me, too," Steve nodded, still holding his hand.
"I love you," Bucky told him. "You know I do. I always have."
Steve nodded. "I know. I love you too," Steve replied, his voice barely audible as he held back a tsunami of emotion.
Bucky studied his face. He could see that Steve was trying to keep his emotions stifled. Bucky shifted, turning his body toward him so he could face Steve directly. "I've been thinking about what Tim said earlier," Bucky told him. "About… how you mourned when you thought I was dead…" He paused as Steve tried to shore up his emotions, straightening his back in order to appear solid and unmovable. He could see how much hurt and sorrow Steve had been living with; keeping it bottled up and holding it in secret to only himself. "How you must have felt when you found out I was still alive…"
Steve swallowed thickly as he fought to keep his feelings in check. Bucky could see it now; all the grief, rage and guilt Steve had been carrying the entire time and it all centered on him and what Hydra had done to him. Bucky's chin began to tremble, his own sorrow rising to the top for having put his best friend through all of that. "I'm sorry," he managed to say, his voice shaking.
Steve's gaze shot to him and he let go of Bucky's hand to take hold of the sides of his head with trembling hands. For a moment he regretted his actions as the sudden move surprised Barnes who became still and now stared at him wide-eyed. He never wanted to hear Bucky apologize for the things that weren't his fault. Steve shook his head slowly; staring hard into Bucky's eyes he tried not to sound angry. "Never. Never apologize to me for that," he said through clenched teeth. "You. Never. Ever. Apologize. For what happened to you. Not ever. Understand?"
They looked at each other for a few seconds. Bucky's eyes brimmed with tears and his chin continued to tremble. Steve's hands held him firmly in place and they stared at each other.
Steve tried hard to keep his emotions under control as he watched Bucky's chin quiver and his eyes overflow. Steve watched the tears roll down Bucky's cheeks then focused on his mouth. His fingers tightened, pulling Bucky toward him as he leaned in to kiss him hard. It was a sloppy kiss; full of out-of-control passion and unraveling emotion. Steve's mouth ravaged Bucky's while Barnes remained frozen against the onslaught.
Steve, now overcome by his turbulent emotions, sobbed against Bucky's mouth and that ended the kiss. His fingers tightened, pressing into Bucky's skull, making Barnes wince slightly as tears continued to roll down his cheeks. Steve held him there, touching foreheads until he became aware of the grip he had on Bucky's skull. He relaxed his fingers and dropped his hands.
Bucky felt helpless against the overwhelming power of Steve's emotions. Steve sat in front of him feeling heartsick; forced to experience all the feelings he'd refused to acknowledge until now. Bucky watched him for a moment and then slowly wrapped his arms around Steve and held him.
Steve allowed it; actually craved it and leaned heavily into Barnes, wrapping his arms tightly around his friend. He pressed his face into Bucky's neck, smelling his hair and feeling the warmth of his skin.
The intensity of his embrace only made Bucky more aware of Steve's emotional wounds. It was very clear to him now just how deeply Steve had been injured by all that had happened to him since 1945. The atrocities committed against Sgt. Barnes didn't just affect Barnes; the truth of the Winter Soldier's identity, and knowing how that 'agent of terror' had come into existence cut Steve to the bone. Beyond that, the realization of the horrors Bucky was forced to endure for seventy years, were deep wounds that penetrated Steve's soul. They held on as tightly as they could without hurting each other. Bucky rested his head against Steve's as his friend was finally able to release his long-pent-up sorrow and he cried with him; because he could do that now.
Tim glanced over to see what they were doing on the pier. He smiled softly to see Steve and Bucky in each other's arms, then realized it wasn't just an affectionate hug being shared, but an emotional embrace. He reached out to tap Jack's leg and when he looked over Tim lifted his chin toward the pair. Jack turned to see what Tim was seeing and understood the magnitude of what they were witnessing. Steve Rogers; aka Captain America, crumbling under a weight too heavy for one super soldier to carry alone; and the other, trying his best to take some of that burden from him.
Bucky held on as tightly as he could while Steve poured out all his sorrow, anger, and feelings of guilt for what had happened to him. None of it was Steve's fault; Bucky knew that… but it was clear to him now, that Steve didn't know that. Steve had carried with him this whole time, the belief that he was somehow responsible for Bucky's death. Then to have experienced the shock followed by a sense of relief when it was revealed that Barnes was still alive, only to have that relief quickly turn to guilt again when he learned what had happened to Bucky, what he'd been turned into, and what it must have taken for that to have happened.
They remained like that, holding each other and reveling in the feeling that came with just knowing the other was there. Steve kept his head resting on Bucky's shoulder with his arms wrapped around him, while Bucky held him and let his thoughts wander. They could have sat like that for ten minutes or two hours and it didn't matter. He kept his head resting against Steve's and closed his eyes; allowing himself to focus on what was happening right now, in the present.
Some time later, a sound made him open his eyes. He tried to figure out what he was hearing but before he could guess, the bow of the little aluminum boat floated slowly into his vision less than three feet away. Bucky smiled, realizing the sound he'd heard was that of the oars being stowed along the length of the vessel and placed to rest on the bench. As the boat floated slowly by, Bucky shifted his gaze to see Jack looking at him with a slightly worried expression.
Bucky grinned at him and Jack relaxed, smiling back. He reached out toward them and Bucky lifted his foot. Jack grabbed onto his foot and brought the boat to a stop beside them. Bucky turned further and smiled at Tim.
"Everything okay here?" Jack asked; knowing full well that something happened that had desperately needed to happen. He just wanted to be sure that his friends were handling it well enough.
"Yeah," Bucky answered. "We're okay."
Steve slowly loosened his embrace; carefully pushing away from Bucky so he could sit up and face their friends. He sniffled and wiped his hands across his eyes and down his cheeks. They all gave him the minute he needed to pull himself together. He took a deep breath and straightened his posture before turning to give him a nod. "Yeah, we're good," Steve told him.
"Yeah?" Jack asked to be sure and Steve nodded. "Okay. We're going to secure the boat and start getting things ready for supper. Join us when you're ready," he told them, using his hand on the edge of the pier to push the boat toward shore. As the boat slowly floated by, Tim came up alongside and gave them a salute. He held it as he slowly passed by, making Bucky laugh lightly and Steve smile.
Steve turned to watch them over his shoulder for a moment before turning back to Bucky. Bucky watched until they reached the shore, Jack leaping over the side to pull the boat halfway onto land and tying it to the pier. As he helped Tim with the tackle and rods, Bucky turned his attention back to Steve who was now watching him with a soft expression. Bucky smiled at him and then his expression turned thoughtful.
"I'm –," he started.
"Don't," Steve interrupted him. Bucky blinked. "Don't apologize," Steve told him.
Bucky shifted his gaze and looked over Steve's shoulder. He watched Tim and Jack walking toward the picnic table feeling a little awkward because he had intended to apologize again. He felt he needed to; over and over, but Steve was making it clear that it was the one thing he didn't want Bucky to ever do. He watched his new friends until they were obscured by the small grove of trees. He looked back at Steve who was watching him closely.
"I love you," Steve told him, his tone soft and barely above a whisper. Bucky smiled at him and nodded and that made Steve smile. He cupped Bucky's jaw in his hand, holding him steady and gave him a soft kiss which Barnes returned this time.
Steve pulled away and stared at him. He loved the feel of Bucky's soft mouth against his own. He caressed those lips with his thumb and Bucky smiled for him. Steve suddenly let go and got to his feet holding out his hand. Bucky grasped it, letting Steve pull him to his feet. It was time to join their friends.
"I think we should clean up a bit," Steve told him. As he turned away he added, "I feel like a wreck… and you look like one." Bucky shot him a look of surprise and Steve laughed. Bucky smiled despite the tease at his expense and reached out with both hands.
"Yeah, you're right, Rogers. You should clean up," he said as he shoved Steve toward the edge of the pier. Steve's instinct was to lean back against the hands pushing him forward, but when Steve realized he was going into the water, his hand shot out and snagged Bucky's arm. "Aaagh!" Bucky yelled in surprise, laughing when he realized he was a victim of his own actions and they tumbled into the water.
Jack and Tim heard Bucky's shout and looked up just in time to see them splash down side by side. Tim smiled but Jack was slightly concerned until he saw them breach the surface again, laughing and grappling at each other. Jack relaxed and smiled then turned to Tim. "Boys will be boys," he said.
"Mmm, thank the gods," Tim replied with a saucy smile, waggling his eyebrows and making Jack laugh.
A couple hours later they were completing their meal. Jack had already finished his and pushed his plate to the side so he could rest his arms on the table while the others were finishing up and Tim regaled them with one amusing story after another.
Steve seemed to enjoy himself more watching Bucky closely whenever Tim made him smile or laugh. Laughing was something Barnes hadn't done very often - until he met Tim - and the sound made Steve smile wide, sometimes closing his eyes to focus completely on the sound of it.
Jack also couldn't help but smile whenever Bucky chuckled or laughed outright at Tim's antics. He was quite used to Tim's entertaining nature, but there was something almost innocent and child-like about Bucky's laugh. He noticed that Barnes was completely focused on Tim as he spun his yarns to entertain them. Jack had to assume there wasn't a lot of entertainment to be had in the cells of a Hydra dungeon so he imagined that Tim's comical manner of telling his stories really was a sort of first for Barnes. It also didn't escape his attention how Steve's face lit up whenever Bucky laughed. He could clearly see that Steve didn't just enjoy the sound of it, he'd also turned to watch Barnes closely, as if studying his face; Steve took in all the details of his expression, his smile, and the gleam in his eyes.
Tim ended his latest tale with a flourish and everyone laughed at the punch line. Bucky drained his beer and finished the last two bites of his steak and put his fork down on the plate.
"You done?" Steve asked and Bucky nodded. Steve collected all the plates and stacked them to one side.
The four decided to move down closer to the water's edge and light a fire in the pit there. They closed out the day in near silent reflection as they all stared into the dancing flames and nursed their beers. An hour after nightfall, Jack decided they'd taken up enough of the day. Their hosts had been gracious and generous despite the unexpected intrusion, but it was time to let Steve and Bucky have some privacy. As he and Tim stood up, Steve thanked them for coming by and for spending the day with them, also inviting their friends to come back the next day. Jack and Tim appreciated the gesture but made it clear that if they did choose to stop by, it would be later in the day and a much shorter stay. They said good night and headed down the road guided by the light of the moon.
Bucky watched his new friends disappear into the shadows of the trees then turned his attention to putting out the fire. He gave it a thorough dousing with a pail of lake water, making sure it wouldn't rekindle during the night. Steve waited for him at the table and, as Bucky approached, he collected the stack of plates and they headed inside.
Bucky placed all the empty bottles into the recycling bin under the counter and took the top two plates from Steve. He placed them in the sink carefully then Steve set down the other two and took a step back. He watched as Bucky ran the water and added dish soap.
Steve leaned against the island behind him as Bucky swished his hand in the water creating a mound of suds, then picked up the sponge from the back of the sink. Steve simply took in the sight of Bucky's physique as he washed the dishes; the muscles of his back shifting under his tight tee shirt as he moved, washing and rinsing the plates one at a time before placing them in the dish drainer to his left.
He stood in front of Steve in bare feet and shorts and Rogers raked his eyes slowly up the back of Bucky's legs. He was muscular and well-toned and Steve found it difficult to pull his eyes away as Barnes turned to wipe down the counter and rinse out the sink. His calves and thighs bunched up or released their tension as he shifted weight from one leg to the other and, in turn, the muscles of his small, round ass would tighten and release.
Steve couldn't help but stare at the way the swim trunks hung from his hips. It seemed as though the only thing keeping them from sliding off was his shapely round posterior. Steve swallowed, realizing his heart was beating more quickly and in turn his breathing had sped up. He wanted to touch Bucky so badly his hands seemed to ache for it.
Bucky finished wiping down the counter and sink and replaced the sponge in the small dish. Before he had a chance to turn around, he could feel Steve move up behind him, his chest barely touching Bucky's back. Bucky closed his eyes and smiled briefly, but the smile disappeared when he realized he could hear Steve's heavy breaths in his right ear. Bucky remained in place but turned his head slightly to the right to put his ear nearer Steve's lips. He was close, so very close. Bucky's heart began to pound in his chest and he tried to control his own breathing.
Behind him, Steve knew that Bucky was responding to his closeness. He could just feel a hint of Bucky's back and shoulders sliding against his chest, the movement becoming more apparent with his deepening breaths. Steve leaned forward just enough to press solidly against Bucky's back so he could clearly feel the rise and fall as he breathed in and out. He was surprised that he could also feel Bucky's heart beating as he leaned against him. He knew it was Bucky's heart he could feel because it was slightly off the beat of his own.
Steve remained there long enough to realize that Bucky hadn't tensed up or frozen in fear. He'd turned his head to let Steve know that he knew he was there and he seemed to be waiting. For what? Steve wondered. He inhaled deeply, drawing in Bucky's scent now mixed with the scents of the forest and the lake. He moved his mouth closer to Bucky's ear and let the warmth of his breath wash over it. As they stood there together it was getting more and more difficult for Steve to simply walk away and Barnes hadn't made any attempt to tell him his advance wasn't wanted.
"Buck -," he said quietly, his lips brushing against the curve of his ear. His heart was in his throat and his hands began to shake but he still couldn't step away. He would; if Bucky asked him to stop, but he hadn't. Not yet. He could hear his breaths in his own ears - loud and raspy and full of desire he couldn't keep hidden any longer. He knew if he could hear them so could Barnes, but Steve's brain was on a single track and he couldn't flip the switch on his own. He swayed slightly, feeling a little dizzy, so he reached out to place his hands on the edge of the counter to either side of Barnes.
Bucky's heart was pounding, forcing his respirations to quicken and he began to feel light-headed. He could feel the warmth of Steve's body against his back and his breath against his ear. He heard his name whispered and the graze of Steve's lips against his ear. Bucky closed his eyes; allowing himself the moment to enjoy the sensations Steve's closeness was creating inside him. As he stood there with his eyes closed, listening to Steve's breaths in his ear, the warmth of it against his neck, his body pressed lightly to him; Bucky thought about Steve's hands and then there they were, wrapped around his arms. They held him firmly because that's what Steve wanted to do, but he could also tell that Steve was trying hard to not show how strong his desires were. The conscious but feeble relaxation of his grip was the lie, Bucky knew. The truth of Steve's passion was evident in the firmness of his hold.
"Buck -." Steve repeated against his ear.
It sounded like a plea, but was it a plea to let him continue or a plea to make him stop, Bucky wondered. He broke Steve's grip on his biceps by suddenly turning around to face him. The sudden move startled Rogers. He straightened and started to step back, but Bucky reached out, wrapping his hands around Steve's ribcage to hold him in place.
Steve swallowed heavily, not sure what Bucky was doing or what he wanted. It would take only one word from Barnes and he would stop and walk away. They stared into each other's eyes; Bucky assessing Steve's desires and Steve waiting for the words that would make him stop.
"Don't…" Bucky said and Steve blinked rapidly realizing he needed to stop.
"I won't," Steve replied, his voice barely audible. He raised his hands so Barnes could see where they were and tried to step back, but Bucky's grip around his ribs tightened.
"Don't leave," Bucky told him. Steve blinked at him, confused. "Don't leave. I don't want you to leave."
Steve shook his head and reassured him. "I won't leave you, Buck. Ever." They looked at each other, up close and eye to eye. Steve didn't understand why Bucky thought he would ever leave him. He realized that there was still so much Bucky had to learn on a subconscious level. Deep down Barnes knew Steve would never leave him… but Steve knew there was still a strong abandonment issue that nudged at the back of Bucky's brain. How could it not? Steve knew that part of his psychological and emotional destruction by Hydra was the repeated declaration that he'd been abandoned to his fate by his friends, by his company, and by his country. Steve had to sometimes repeatedly assure Bucky that he'd never leave him and, had he known of his predicament at any time in the last seventy years, he would have moved mountains to rescue him.
"Kiss me?" Bucky asked of him and Steve blinked at him, confused, he wasn't being asked to stop. "Please?"
Steve stared at Barnes with that realization and brought his hands up; his left hand wrapped around Bucky's right arm and the other came up to cradle his jaw. Steve moved in and their lips met; the heat between them igniting a fire that spread wildly out of control.
Bucky's fingers curled into Steve's shirt and pulled him closer. Steve stepped into the kiss and the unexpected move pushed Barnes off balance, causing him to side-step. His backside slid along the edge of the counter as Steve pressed forward following his direction of travel until the adjacent wall stopped their sideways movement.
Steve realized Bucky was now pressed into the corner where the wall and counter met and he had the presence of mind to not want to "corner" him in that manner. He grabbed onto Bucky's shoulders and twisted him enough to press his back solidly against the wall. He brought both hands up to hold Bucky's face and kissed him deeply. Their kiss grew wild and passionate and hungry; lips and tongues dueling as each devoured the other's mouth. It lasted long minutes until Steve broke away needing to breathe. Bucky too, gasped for air as they separated but Steve didn't pause long, burying his face against Bucky's neck; kissing and licking and sucking the heated flesh there.
Bucky leaned his head back against the wall to allow Rogers access to his neck and throat. He felt so good and Bucky didn't want him to stop. Steve's hands had dropped onto his shoulders before sliding down his arms then back up to his shoulders. Steve broke away from Bucky's neck to look at him then he leaned forward until their foreheads touched as he caught his breath.
"I want to touch you," he said, panting for air. "I want to feel you… I want to feel you under my hands. Please, Buck," he pleaded, rubbing his palms up and down Bucky's arms, forcing himself to not let his hands wander without permission.
Bucky thought about his request. He was nervous and not used to being touched in that manner but he too wanted to experience the sensations he'd felt earlier in the day with Steve on the dock; his hands gliding over firm muscles under soft, smooth skin. Steve wanted to experience that too, with him. He didn't want to deny Steve. He knew he was safe with Steve, he knew he was. Bucky nodded and took his hands off Steve, dropping them to his side to allow him the access he wanted.
Steve registered that Bucky had nodded his permission to touch him, but he chose to keep his hands where they were. He didn't want Bucky to relinquish his sense of control just because he asked. "Buck," he said, bringing his hand up again to cradle his jaw and he waited for Barnes to raise his eyes to look at him. "You will never feel my hands where you don't want them," Steve told him. Barnes blinked at him and took a deep breath. "Do you understand?" Steve asked. Bucky nodded.
"It's just -," Bucky whispered.
"What?" Steve asked just as softly.
"It's been a really long time," Bucky told him. "I mean… I'm used to being punched… and kicked… and beaten. I hardened up to that a long time ago. But... the way you touch me, your touch sends jolts of electricity through me… in a good way -," Bucky tried to explain but his voice cut out and a tear ran down his cheek.
Steve listened and studied him closely. He moved only his thumb to sweep away the tear. "It's the gentle touches that feel overwhelming… right?" he asked.
Bucky nodded and another tear followed in the track of the first. Steve's thumb erased it and he leaned forward to kiss the dampened cheek. Bucky closed his eyes and Steve felt the tension in his entire body suddenly loosen under his hands. Steve wrapped his arms around him, pulling him away from the wall and just held him. He stood there wrapped around Barnes and lost all track of time. It could have been ten seconds or ten minutes and he didn't care. He just wanted Bucky to feel warm and safe and he'd stand there all night that way if he had to.
He didn't have to though. He felt Bucky moving against him and then his arms wrapped around Steve and held onto him tightly. Steve allowed him to hold on for a while and then he relaxed his embrace so he could pull back enough to see Bucky's face. Bucky opened his eyes and looked at him and Steve smiled. He brought one hand up behind Bucky's back and stroked his fingers through his hair.
"Come on," he said, inviting Bucky to follow him to the living room. "Let's just sit together and relax. Okay? We've had a long day," Steve said, walking backwards, guiding Bucky to the futon.
Bucky smiled at him as he was led out of the kitchen. He felt bad that all his issues kept getting in the way of what he wanted... what they wanted. That was the worst of it, he thought, was that he knew they interfered with what Steve wanted too. Steve was his friend; he'd always been his best friend, his confidante, his partner… the one person in the entire world in whom he could always put his trust.
As Steve reached the futon, he simply sat down and gently pulled Bucky toward him. Bucky smiled at him and, instead of sitting down beside him, he surprised Steve by putting a knee down on the mattress beside him and pushed him slowly backward. Steve smiled in surprise and let Barnes direct him to where he wanted him. Steve slid backward until he came to rest reclined against Bucky's pillow with Bucky now lying beside him. Then he draped a leg over Steve's and leaned up on one elbow, half lying on Steve's left side.
They looked at each other up close again and Bucky moved his bare leg against Steve's bare legs, focusing on the sensations of the skin to skin contact. Steve watched Bucky's face, just as Jack had told him to, in order to be aware of adverse reactions as well as non-adverse responses. Bucky remained focused as he watched his leg glide over Steve's and then he turned again to look in Steve's eyes. He smiled and that made Steve smile.
Bucky shifted his position and brought himself up to rest atop Steve's chest. He looked down at Steve and smiled and, as usual, whenever Bucky was in a position to look down at him, his hair would fall to partially obscure his face. Steve couldn't abide that, he wanted to see him; his eyes, his mouth, the dimple in his chin. He reached up to sweep the unruly locks away from his face and held them back even as Bucky leaned in for a kiss. This time it was really soft and really slow and really hot. Steve could feel Bucky's rising passion conveyed in this kiss and Steve moaned into Bucky's mouth.
TBC'd
