"First floor on the south side, where you at?" Phone lights up my dashboard, I'm typing fast, "Come here, you can meet me in the back."
Pansy got out of her car, fingers flying across the keys. It was Saturday afternoon, which meant it was time to spend two hours volunteering at the local library. More importantly, though, she'd be seeing her co-volunteer, Penelope Gwin, again. From what it sounded like, Penelope was already inside, although waiting on the first floor rather than the ground floor.
By the time Pansy made her way across the parking lot and into the building, she could see Penelope coming at her from the opposite direction. She was wearing dark jeans and some Nikes, a purple iPad on her arm, headphones dangling down beside it, just like always.
Pansy couldn't look away, and already, a smile was spreading across her face. "Hey, Penelope."
"Hello, Dawn." Dawn was Pansy's last name, as well as her preferred name. Although she knew she was named after the flower, people who thought they were clever and funny liked to point out the other definition of the word "pansy" far too often for her to want to use it very much.
The two took their customary seats at one of the tables on the east half of the ground floor of the library. For library volunteers, they didn't actually do a lot of bookwork. It was mostly helping set up daily arts-n-crafts for the kids. But Dawn supposed that made sense. This was, after all, the children/youth/teen floor. While she and Penelope worked, it didn't take long for them to start chatting. That was one of the things Dawn found most amazing about their friendship. She wasn't a very extroverted person, and if Penelope was to be believed, nor was she. For some reason, though, they were chatty around each other.
At one point, in her excitement, Penelope leaned over to Dawn, so close that their noses were only inches apart. Penelope always did this whenever she was saying something she considered intense, important, or serious. Dawn only smiled. She didn't lean away. Even though she wouldn't have been comfortable with anyone else so close to her face, when it was Penelope, she found it amusing and endearing rather than creepy or annoying. She found herself distracted by Penelope's eyes. Oh damn, never seen that color blue. Look at all of the fun things that we do.
It wasn't exactly rocket science. Dawn knew that the reason Penelope felt so comfortable getting so close to her, and the reason Dawn was so comfortable in letting her, was because they liked each other. That was what friends were for. But, in some ways, maybe it was rocket science. For the life of her, Dawn still didn't know what Penelope saw in her, or why she seemed so comfortable around her.
I'm just a normal, boring, plain girl. I've got nothing interesting to show for myself. And Penelope and I don't even have THAT much in common…Sure, they both liked things like Minecraft and Hunger Games, and Penelope was trying to get her into Pokémon, but that was about it. Their entire friendship defied all expectation and explanation, and although there was nothing wrong with that, Dawn just wished she could understand it more.
This ain't for the best, my mental health has never been worse, so, you must like me for me. Seriously, why did Penelope like her? Dawn wasn't just boring, she was also…only barely staying afloat. Yeah, she was slogging her way through her junior year of high school; and yeah, she was trying to finally get her first (albeit part-time) job; and yeah, she was technically here at the library, volunteering for two hours every Saturday, but she was only tied together with a smile, so close to coming undone. And yet still, here was Penelope. Couldn't she sense how much was wrong with her co-volunteer? I didn't think I was that good at the poker face. What would she think and say and do if she knew the truth?
In her darkest times, Dawn sometimes wanted to end their friendship early. Not only did Dawn not want to bear the burden of pretending to be normal when she wasn't, she didn't want Penelope to have to bear the burden of putting up with her, especially if she wasn't even around forever. There were multiple reasons Dawn could think of that would eventually pull her away from Penelope, then it would be as if they never even met.
Who knew when, or what, their last goodbye would be? Dawn just knew that it would happen eventually either way, so why bother with the whole friendship thing when they were running on borrowed time? She couldn't make Penelope any promises, not even if she'd be there in a week. It just depended on what her mental health chose to do, but that was just as much of a mystery to Dawn as her friendship with Penelope was.
But sometimes, with Penelope, even if Dawn didn't always know what to say, she could still get so lost in a conversation with her that she forgot everything else, including all of her cages, physical or mental. Penelope could make her dream, could make her think about something other than her misery. Penelope could make her reconsider…
Gah! What am I doing? I'm thinking about her too much again! C'mon, Dawn, don't be weird! Don't be a creep! What if she thinks you're some kind of perv, or something? There were plenty of things Dawn still hadn't told Penelope, aside from all her insecurity and mental health issues. To add more fuel to the flames, she was queer. She wasn't into Penelope in that way, but fat chance of Penelope believing that, especially if she ever figured out how often Dawn thought about her.
And to add insult to injury she lived in a conservative state. She had no idea how Penelope would react to her being queer. But even if she was ok, what if her parents weren't? What if any of the three thought Dawn was being predatory? It could genuinely be such a hassle trying to be a queer female with platonic female friends. How to show affection without seeming weird or creepy?
Or, heck, was it too soon to call her "friend"? Sure, they'd volunteered together for a few weeks already, but was that still too soon to do this yet? How long did normal people wait before they called each other friends? Because another thing to take into account was that they only saw each other two hours a week. That already set them back timewise, didn't it? Penelope probably had a lot of friends at school. Dawn didn't. So while Penelope was probably living it up every day at school with her myriad of friends, Dawn…did nothing but sit at home, alone. Pathetic.
And that was another thing pointing to their vast differences. Dawn was a junior in high school, Penelope was still in middle. That was another reason Dawn dreaded anyone assuming she was into Penelope. That would be messed up. But even aside from that, Dawn was applying to a fast-food-level pizza joint that would take up most of the time she wasn't doing homework. Penelope was in several academic extracurriculars (like theater tech and Science Olympiad). Seriously, why did Penelope like her?! Didn't she know how much better she was than Dawn?!
No, Dawn would never be able to tell Penelope all that. She had too much baggage, and at least one piece would send her running. Granted, maybe that was for the best, and maybe it was what Dawn should've wanted, but she really didn't want to have to go through something like that. Maybe volunteering here at all was a big mistake…Everything, including Dawn herself, was just too…delicate. Wasn't it? Wasn't she? And yet, through it all, she heard the words in her head that she was too scared to say out loud: Yeah I like you…
ooo
Ground floor on the north side, me and you. You're so gorgeous, a mansion with a view. Why don't I trust others like I trust you?
A week later, Dawn and Penelope were in the exact same position as last time. Penelope was only inches away from Dawn's face, talking excitedly about an Empoleon she recently caught in Pokémon Go. Undertale music played from her purple iPad.
Dawn was, again, too busy thinking about how much Penelope's honest, earnest passion for her hobbies lit up the room, just like her bright blue eyes and bright golden hair. Inside and out, she was pretty. (Oh, better not think about it like that, though. What if someone thinks I'm being weird even though I'm genuinely only trying to acknowledge that she, as a person, has a nice aesthetic?)
And Dawn still had not figured out how or why Penelope was the only one who made her feel so relaxed (and yet so nervous, too). Not only was Dawn a natural introvert, but especially because her mental health had never been worse, when she and Penelope first met, she wanted nothing more than for the other girl to shut up and go away. But somehow, things totally reversed, and getting to see Penelope became the highlight of Dawn's week. Normal high schoolers lived for the weekend because it meant parties and no homework. Dawn lived for the weekend because it meant getting to see Penelope and the library.
In fact, even just minutes ago, Dawn was alone at her and Penelope's usual table, waiting for the other girl to arrive. It was a reverse on last week. I'm here, waiting for you to appear. Then I hear echoes of your footsteps on the stairs.
After long enough, she heard the familiar sounds of Penelope's sneakered feet pounding excitedly down the staircase to the ground floor. Dawn hid a smile, waiting to hear Penelope call her name before she turned around to greet the other girl.
They settled into their usual, happy rhythm, only today, some new kid decided he wanted to volunteer at the library, too. He was perfectly fine, but as soon as he sat down at Dawn and Penelope's table, Dawn felt something recoil and hiss inside her stomach, like an angry, jealous snake. She tried to make polite chatter with the boy, hoping he wouldn't become a new, permanent fixture here. She knew it was selfish of her to think that way, it was a public library after all, but she was content to keep it as just herself and Penelope. Why couldn't he volunteer at another time or place?
Go get your own friend, she thought as the boy tried to talk to Penelope. This one is mine! Then she turned to Penelope, hoping the exasperation in her face wasn't too obvious. Stay here, honey, I don't want to share…Then she couldn't help but berate herself. What was wrong with her? Was this really the sorry state she'd fallen into, becoming so possessive in reaction to something as small and stupid as this? She was sure Penelope would probably (rightly) be unnerved and irritated if she could see into Dawn's head right now.
Dawn's silent wishes were answered very soon after. Eventually, the boy went his separate way (of his own accord) and they would never see him again. Dawn felt a little bad, but mostly glad, but then she felt bad about feeling glad. Being alone with Penelope again was a guilty pleasure. Oh, wait, did that sound wrong? Hmmm, better be more careful. Don't want her to think anything's weird…
Then, when it came time for Penelope and Dawn to take their own leave, Dawn remembered something a little unpleasant that she'd needed to tell Penelope from the start. She just forgot. Whether it was her brain actively trying to repress the thought for the last two hours, or Penelope's magnetic field that always made Dawn forget her troubles, it didn't matter. Dawn had something important to say.
"I finally got hired, and my shifts always start at 4, so I may not be able to volunteer at the same time anymore. At best, I can do 1 to 3." It was a small thing, but to her, it felt huge. Life must've really hated her. After finally actually making something of a friend (unless it was too soon to say that yet), she finally also got her first job only to find that it was already tearing her away from Penelope. But…I want you. I want to stay with…
Hadn't she said this was coming? They were running on borrowed time, but now that time was already being taken back, so soon. She and Penelope could still be together for an hour a week, since they usually volunteered from 2 to 4, but Dawn hated to think how little time that was in the grand scheme of things. Only one hour instead of two…Maybe it was for the best…
"Oh, sure, I can ask my mom to just drop me off an hour earlier," Penelope shrugged.
…What? It was a small thing, but to Dawn, it felt huge. With such ease and effortlessness, Penelope instantly switched her schedule just to stay with Dawn, no questions asked. To be so quick and willing to accommodate me, to want to keep spending time with me…You must like me for me…I still can't make, any promises, but you can make me think…
Many days and nights later, Dawn found herself texting Penelope a little. She was still shy and nervous, not always sure when or how to talk to the other girl. She never wanted to see clingy, weird, or annoying (especially if that would make Penelope think she was also being a creeper, or something). But tonight, they just happened to have something to talk about, and when it was time to sign off, Dawn's finger hovered over her iMessage react list, switching back and forth the heart and the thumbs up. Eventually, she chose the thumbs up. She sighed as she shut her phone off, tossing it on her bed and climbing carefully out her window, up to her roof, to find solace in the moon.
Sometimes I wonder when you sleep, are you ever dreaming of me? And do you know when you're in my mind, I want you by my side all the time?
There was still a lot to worry about, and when next Saturday rolled around, Dawn found herself wondering about her bad reputation again. She was such a fake. She pretended to do well, but she wasn't. Her grades were lying. So were her work performances. They said she was good, but she was sure her reputation had never been worse. If anyone knew, they'd run away, wouldn't they?
No, not anyone. For whatever reason, it seemed that Penelope wanted to stay. Even more than that, Dawn wanted her to stay. For the first time, she felt like she had something to lose. She'd seen friends come and go her entire life, and she almost never cared. When their time was up, it was up. But now, with Penelope, Dawn wanted her to stay. She was sure it wasn't for the best, but she still wanted it…'Cause I like you…
Ugh, I'm being weird again! Why can't I just be normal? Maybe if I were straight, it would be easier to be affectionate with her. Although, in the back of her mind, Dawn recalled Penelope talking about how she loved anime. Dawn, herself, knew next to nothing about it, but she knew that the terms "yuri" and "yaoi" often circulated that side of the internet.
She knew what the words meant. Penelope didn't seem like the type, but Dawn was pretty sure she'd mentioned a yaoi couple at least once, and she hadn't said anything explicitly bad about them, so maybe…Maybe she wouldn't mind? Granted, there was a huge difference in fiction and reality, and even though Penelope might've been ok with "yuri" and "yaoi", what if she still reacted poorly to Dawn actually being not-straight? What if she thought Dawn was hitting on her, or something like that?
And even more, why did Dawn want to tell her anyway? What did it matter? Whether or not anyone else believed, she knew what her feelings for Penelope were, and they were entirely platonic. They were powerful, but platonic. And yet, Dawn still found herself wondering…Maybe she couldn't tell Penelope everything, but perhaps this could be at least a small way to see if Penelope really liked her for her…
So when Penelope came down to the ground floor on the north side of the library, she saw Dawn not at their usual table, but standing at one of the shelves near the back of the YA section.
"Hello!" she said, purple iPad on her arm, just like always.
"Oh, hi!" Dawn pretended to shove a book back into the shelf, almost too quick for Penelope to see. It was just an LGBT book, but she wondered what Penelope might think, or say. In the end, she only shrugged and smiled at it. They exchanged a few more pleasantries before taking their seats and Dawn felt as though a weight (only a small one, for better or worse) had been lifted off her chest.
So it was cool that I said all that? And it's chill I'm just like that? It wasn't too soon to do that yet? And even though you know that I'm delicate, and I can't make any promises, you still like me for me?
Dawn watched Penelope talk, and halfway through, for seemingly no reason at all, she started to smile. It was her first real smile in…quite a bit. It was a shaky smile, but it still felt so nice. She couldn't tell if this friendship was or wasn't for the best, but it still felt…nice.
Isn't it, delicate?
AN: I'm sure it's very obvious, but this is basically a nonfiction story. This is also what made Rep my favorite TS album (title previously held by Speak Now). Now, I still LOVE SN, but I feel like Rep (particularly this song) has just become so meaningful to me in the past two years and maybe this will help people understand why.
