Something must've gone seriously wrong if you died and found yourself in hell in a cartoon as a baby who's kind of an angel and part of hell's nobility. Things can only get worse from here.
xxXxx
"Uhh, Lord Paimon, d-do i have to-"
"Yes!" Yelled Paimon, a brown feathered bird demon as he glared at a monstrous presence. "You must do this, imp! I'm paying you for this!"
"I-i can't!" Replied the imp panicking staring at the same presence. "It's too much!"
"Fine!" Paimon said before teleporting the imp away with a snap of his fingers. "I'll do it myself."
Paimon conjured a metal stick and approached the presence with great difficulty. After a few seconds he finally reached the source of this terrifying aura.
A golden eyed baby owl demon that hasn't even grown feathers. Suddenly, that terrifying aura was no more.
Paimon lightly poked the baby with the stick from as far as possible, flinching when the baby turned to him.
The baby stared at Paimon judgingly, causing the Goetia King to frown.
"Ugh, it's judging me." Said Paimon glaring at the baby.
Somehow, the baby looked even more unamused. Paimon narrowed his eyes as he stared at his baby son.
"Honestly, this would be much easier if you were to, i don't know, act your fu*ing age!!!" Said Paimon angrily, getting no reaction from the baby. "But noooo! You not only had to act creepy, but you also HAD to have some recessive angel genes that make everyone want to stay away from you."
Paimon sighed and pinched the baby owl's cheek only for the baby to shed a tear in pain that sizzled when it fell onto Paimon's hand.
"Right, holy tears." Said Paimon shrugging off the weak holy power of the baby. "Forgot those were a thing." He said tiredly.
The baby relentlessly continued his judging stares until Paimon couldn't take it anymore.
"Alright, that's it! At least I'm trying to find a solution! You're just staring at me judgingly!"
The baby giggled at Paimon's antics and the Goetia King groaned.
"No!" Yelled Paimon angrily. "Cease this mocking oversentient giggling. I want you to commence b*ch crying."
The baby started giggling harder and harder much to Paimon's frustration. The Goetia King took a deep breath and calmed down.
"Alright, how about this: you act like a normal baby and keep the angel powers under control and i give you all the toys you want. B*ch cry for no and do literally anything else for yes."
'How the hell did i get here?' The baby thought tiredly.
The baby was, in fact, not a baby mentally. He was teenager who died in a car accident. Something must've gone super wrong because now he's in the hell of a cartoon he liked as an angel demon thing.
And not just that, he was the son of King Paimon of the Ars Goetia. He was given the name "Bifariam"
He'd cry at the loss of his life and family, but he already did plenty of that when he was an egg. The only thing he could do now as the faces and names from his old life vanished from his mind was just accept the situation.
"I knew you'd come around." Said Paimon cheerfully before patting Bifariam on the head only the baby to peck him. "Ugh, fine! Name your price! Just act like a normal baby for a few years!"
'I literally would rather die.' Thought Bifariam with a deadpan expression.
Paimon somewhat understood what his newborn son wanted to say and started transforming demonically into different monstrous forms in immense rage. Bifariam shrinked in fear upon seeing that reaction.
A few seconds later, Paimon calmed down and glared at Bifariam.
"Fine! I don't need maids or butlers to take care of you. I'll do it myself;" said Paimon calmly before taking a proud pose. "I'm great at daddying after all."
'This won't end well, will it?' Was all Bifariam could think of.
xxXxx
"Alright, spawn feeding time."
Paimon turned to the angelic demon baby in the crib next to him and smiled.
"This should be easy." Said Paimon confidently before Bifariam rolled his eyes in the background. Paimon summoned a book with magic and held it to Biff's face. "This book should have something good."
Bifariam saw that the book was titled "Child Meals for Beginners". There were no children on the cover, however. There was only a demon smiling while holding a pan with a steak.
Bifariam thought this was odd, but decided to pay it no mind.
"Alright, the first step is to remove any scales, feathers or horns or skin or any other annoying parts from your little meal." Said Paimon getting confused by this. "Huh? Maybe they messed up the order of the pages. Next step."
Bifariam also found this odd, he began feeling mildy concerned as his father continued.
"Step two, prepare some chopped veggies for presentation." Said Paimon before snapping his fingers. Magically, chopped vegetables appeared out of thin air and fell onto a floating plate. "Good, next step."
Bifariam calmed down upon hearing the partially ordinary step. Maybe there was no reason to be worried-
"Step three, cook the child in the oven over a low fire for 45 minutes."
Okay, very worried now.
"Oh...this is a cannibalism cook book, isn't it?" Asked Paimon in disappointment.
Bifariam glared at him as if saying 'YOU THINK?!'
Paimon cleared his throat before he snapped his fingers and the book disappeared.
"Children love food not made at home, right? Let's go to a restaurant and get some." Said Paimon cheerfully, changing the subject.
Paimon teleported both of them as well as the crib to the door of a very fancy looking restaurant.
"There." Said Paint cheerfully. "Let's get a table and some food."
Paimon moved the crib holding a grumpy Bifariam with his magic and headed inside, asking for a table for two.
xxXxx
"What do you mean there's no baby food?!" Exclaimed Paimon angrily.
"W-we just don't serve it, Sir." Replied the waiter in fear.
Bifariam mentally sighed and turned to the poor waiter. He let out some noises to get his attention and thankfully, the waiter heard him. The noises also attracted Paimon's attention.
Ariam stared intently at the menu in the waiter's hand and he seemed to understand.
"Uhh, you want this?" Asked the waiter nervously giving Bifariam the menu.
Bifariam then did the one thing he could with his featherless baby owl body. He scratched and scratched like a level 5 starter pokemon during the first rival battle.
After five straight minutes of silence and scratching, Bifariam managed to order...soup.
"Uhh, i think he likes soup?" Said the waiter in confusion.
"Hmm, what kind of soup?" Asked Paimon raising a brow.
Bifariam burst into tears at this question. He cried wishing the pain would end.
"Soup salted with tears? I can work with this." Said Paimon calmly, ignoring how Ariam is still crying in the background.
Paimon eventually ordered food and Bifariam stared at the ceiling of the restaurant in melancholy.
Soon their food arrived and all Bifariam could do was open his mouth for a spoon of soup held magically by his father.
"I'm so good at daddying." Said Paimon proudly.
It couldn't get worse than this, right?
That theory was put to the test when the restaurant was attacked by robbers...and people wanting to kill him and Bifariam.
Paimon watched silently as the other customers and workers ran away very quickly, leaving only them and the robbers and the murderers in the establishment.
Seeing this, Bifariam started crying again. He wanted out. He didn't want to be part of any of this anymore.
And with that, the last string of sanity that held Paimon together snapped.
The entire building was evaporated by a beam of energy, save for one table and the ground it stood upon.
Staring at the destruction he caused as the sound of his child's cries filled his ears, Paimon felt the last of his will break. He fell to his knees and did the one thing that was appropriate in that situation.
He began crying with his son and screamed into the sky.
"I HATE THIS!!!" He screamed as tears filled his eyes. "I'M NOT GOOD AT DADDYING! I'M BAD AT DADDYING!
I'M HORRIBLE AT DADDYIIIIIING!!!"
xxXxx
Tell me if i should make more of this.
Toodles.
