Chapter 7: The Host of Shhwonk Fortress
Matthew's head still ached where the tin can had hit him, after an hour into their trek. It probably would have already been gone if Goombella had been able to stop talking about the Kuribo shoe trade route for five minutes. On top of that, his stomach was starting to growl. He thought of the breakfast he had eaten at Em T.'s and really wished he had thought to tuck a scone or two in his pocket.
"How much farther?" he asked.
To his surprise, Goombella actually stopped talking shile she consulted her handdrawn map. Then she answered, "Once we pass Bramball's Arch, we should be close to Shhwonk Fortress."
Bramball's Arch was, of course, another hour of walking, but at last they stepped through between the two hills that made its feet, and the archeology student shouted excitedly, "There it is!"
"There" was not just around the bend as Matthew had hoped. "There" was on top of a tall hill far, far across a hilly plain that spread before them like a pleated blanket that Matthew used to have, which had made making the bed such a miserable chore. His stomach grumbled in protest, knowing that there was no lunch between here and "there."
"Oh, be quiet, you," he rebuked it sternly. "Where's your sense of adventure?"
"What did you say?"
Matthew shook his head quickly. "Nothing. Just talking to myself."
They began their journey of a thousand plus steps across the plain, taking care not to tread on any of the flowers that served as its carpet. Goombella said, "You do know that's really weird, right?"
"If I had a nickel," Matthew responded.
It was quite a distance between Bramball's Arch and Shhwonk's Fortress on top of the tall hill. In that distance, among the lesser hills and valleys, it was possible that the two intrepid adventurers would encounter a few things along the way... or maybe it would just be a dreadfully boring two-hour walk. As it happened, the only event that came close to being an interesting diversion was when the two of them accidentally upset a colony of Monty Moles and had to play a frantic version of whack-a-mole.
Two hours later and still a bit sweaty from their workout, they finally crested the hill where Shhwonk Fortress hunkered. Goombella started bouncing with excitement.
"Here we are!" she said breathlessly, coming dangerously close to squealing. "Shhwonk Fortress. Home of the mighty King Thwompemall, the last of the conquerors before the Treaty of 1764. They say he looted over twenty-nine kingdoms and transported their treasures here, hiding them in a secret chamber that not even his closest friends knew about. I'm positive the Crystal Star is one of those treasures he hid away!"
Matthew gazed critically at the keep. The home of the "mighty King Thwompemall" seemed a little on the small side, in his opinion.
The inside was decidedly less impressive. Even Goombella faltered in her recitation of the fortress's construction. The "grand hall" that they were walking through wasn't much bigger than a small church, with bars in the windows instead of stained glass, and the roll of carpet that ran down the center was a bland brown color against the gray stones.
The throne room was bare save for the throne itself, constructed from simply cut stones and a chandelier from the ceiling, which held four candles. It looked more like a fishhook to Matthew. The hallways led to a tiny kitchen, a famine-struck dining hall, a few cramped bedrooms, and a water closet.
With the search so disappointing, Matthew was only waiting for Goombella to lose heart and suggest they search elsewhere for the Crystal Star, but she was stubborn, poring over her map and running to each chamber to search them again and again. The phrase, "maybe we missed something," was becoming her mantra.
Then she found it. In the kitchen, of all places, behind a cluster of onions that hung from the ceiling was a projecting stone in the wall. After giving it a push, she nearly broke Matthew's eardrums with a squeal of delight when a section of the wall sank into the floor, revealing a dark passage.
"Ha! Secret treasure room! I told you, didn't I?" She gave Matthew a ridiculously smug grin.
Matthew gave her an innocent look. "I thought we were looking for a Crystal Star?"
Goombella shook her head dismissively. "That will be in the secret treasure room, you just wait!" She clicked on the light on her helmet and bounded forward. "Well, come on, slowpoke! That Crystal Star isn't going to find itself! And not just the Crystal Star, but probably hundreds of jewels and diamonds, and - ooh! Diamonds! Those would so totally look good on me! I'm not usually into fashion like that, but something about hidden treasure just makes me feel all..."
The passage ended, and she abruptly stopped talking. Matthew stepped out from behind her and surveyed the room grimly. Just as he feared, the secret treasure room was just as unimpressive as the rest of the fortress, closely resembling the throne room except that instead of a throne, there was a single bust of a thwomp scowling in the back. This room at least had a skylight to give it a little more illumination. And by skylight, that meant the entire ceiling was missing, opening the room to the afternoon sky.
He remarked, "Maybe I'm just stupid, but shouldn't secret treasure rooms have... oh, what's the word... treasure in them?"
Goombella was crestfallen. She said in a small voice, "But... I was so sure... the research..."
Matthew looked at her and felt his gut wrench. The expression on her face was heartbreaking and even when he reminded himself all the names she had called him he couldn't help but feel sorry for her.
"Well," he said slowly, "maybe this is just a decoy secret treasure room, like the ones the Egyptians had in their pyramids. Maybe the real one is hidden in here somewhere..." He walked toward the bust, the only thing visible in the room. "Hey, I'll bet you there's a hidden button on this thing that will open the way to the real secret treasure room." He stopped in front of the bust. "Am I right, eh, little guy?" He reached under the spikes around the thwomp's head and gave it a tickle.
"NOT RIGHT THERE, THERE ISN'T!" roared the bust.
"Eep!" Matthew flew backwards and landed hard on his side. It hurt quite a bit, but he didn't pay it much mind, busy as he was scrambling toward the exit. But when he reached it, a set of iron bars sprang up out of the floor, blocking the way into the corridor.
Goombella was in shock.
"Ha!" growled the thwomp on his pedestal. "Now I have you, you filthy little trespassers! Trying to steal the treasure of the mighty King Thwompemall, are you? Well, now you'll have to deal with me, Sir Thwackyugood!"
From his prone position on the floor, Matthew raised a hand in surrender. "Wait, wait! What if we just left you alone? Just go back the way we came, huh?"
Goombella, on the other hand, had a new spark in her eyes. "Hold on one minute, are you saying there's actually treasure here to steal?"
Sir Thwackyugood huffed. "I wouldn't be here if there wasn't. But if you think for one minute that I'm going to let you steal it, you've got another thing coming!" He puffed out his chest, and, Matthew wondered, did his spikes just get a little bigger?
The thwomp growled, "If you want the treasure, you'll have to go through me!"
Goombella inclined her head. "Fair enough. Just one question though: is there a Crystal Star included in the treasure? Because that's all we really want. You see, we're on this quest..."
"The challenge has been accepted!" boomed Sir Thwackyugood, and he leaped from his pedestal and came back down with a shuddering thwomp. A moment later, Matthew saw something as big as the room descending from the sky.
"Duck!" he cried.
It landed with a cacophonous crash that seemed to go on forever with jangling, beeping, whistling, and... clapping?
Matthew stood up and nearly fell back down again in shock. Before his very eyes was a transformed room, where it once had been bleak and gray, it was now alive with color and flashing lights. Red drapes and lights traversed the walls and the floor was covered in purple carpet. There was a purple booth with gold trim and a large, glowing red button on the panel before it. If Matthew had to describe the theme, he would immediately have said "game show."
"Hey, hey, hey, ladies and germs!" boomed Sir Thwackyugood, who now wore a spotted bowtie, "Welcome, everyone, to the 65th Annual Quiz Show! I'm your host, Sir Thwackyugood, and tonight our contestants are going to pit their wits against the world's toughest questions!"
When the applause died down, he continued in a lower voice, "The rules are simple. Answer ten questions correctly and you will earn a fabulous prize: the great treasure of the mighty King Thwompemall!"
There was another burst of applause. When it died down again, the thwomp's voice took on a wicked tone, "But answer three question incorrectly and you will pay a most severe penalty: an eternity in the dungeons!"
This time, there was a chorus of approving howls. Matthew's skin crawled. This invisible audience sounded pretty bloodthirsty. The thwomp host certainly looked tickled at the thought of them spending an eternity in some dank hole. He flashed them an evil grin. "Contestants, are you ready?"
Without hesitation, Goombella bounced right into the booth. "Ready!" Her face was positively beaming with excitement. Then she turned to Matthew and jerked her head. "Well, don't just stand there!"
This jolted Matthew out of his shock and he cautiously approached the booth. He settled in beside Goombella.
"All right! Very good!" boomed the thwomp amid a chorus of cheers. He looked down at a stack of cards in front of him. "Here is your first question: in what year did King Thwompemall fight in the Battle of the Seven-Spotted Hill?"
Goombella startled Matthew by slamming on the buzzer and blurting, "1651!"
The audience booed. Matthew had the terrible, lurching feeling that they had just made their first strike. Two more and they were spending an eternity in the dungeons.
The thwomp host scowled at Goombella. Matthew looked up in surprise when he said, "Well, well. Looks like we've got a know-it-all, folks. The answer is correct and the point goes to the contestants. Curses!"
The number 1 flashed on the screen above their heads, and Matthew's heart soared. Maybe they had a chance to get out of this alive... well, without spending eternity chiseling tally marks on the dungeon walls anyway. Looks like Goombella's encyclopedic brain was good for something, after all.
Noticing Matthew's smile, the thwomp growled, "Don't get too confident, knaves! That was only the first question. The other ones aren't quite so easy." He glanced down at his cards and said, "Your next question is: how many kingdoms did the mighty King Thwompemall conquer before the Treaty of 1764?"
Goombella declared without hesitation, "Twenty-nine!"
The crowd booed again and Sir Thwackyugood's scowl became fiercer. "Another correct answer earns you another point. It seems we underestimated you. But there's still eight questions left, each of them more devilish than the last. You still want to play?"
"Bring it on!" Goombella cheered.
So the game continued with Sir Thwackyugood asking trivia about King Thwompemall and his conquests, some of them ridiculously particular, yet Goombella somehow answered them all correctly. With each correct answer and the rising number above their heads, Sir Thwackyugood's scowl became fiercer and fiercer. On the eigth correct answer, he was livid.
Eight points, Matthew thought with some satisfaction. Just two questions left, and even if we get those wrong, it doesn't matter. Three wrong answers was what would send us to the dungeons. We're a shoo-in for this contest.
Sir Thwackyugood spoke, "Ladies and gentlemen, there are two questions left, so I'm changing the rules here."
"What?!" Matthew cried in outrage. "You can't do that!"
Sir Thwackyugood snorted. "My contest, my rules. Here's the deal: I will ask the next question, but whichever of you answers it will have to pass the next question to the other contestant. If either of you gets an answer wrong, you lose and will spend eternity in the dungeons."
"Hey, that's not fair!" Goombella protested. "You said we have to get three questions wrong to lose the game! At least let me answer both questions!"
"One question for each of you. Those are the rules. If you refuse to follow them, I'll just send you straight to the dungeons!"
"Why you..." Goombella fumed.
Matthew asked, "What if we just walked away?"
Sir Thwackyugood smiled. "You forfeit the game and I send you to the dungeons."
Matthew scowled. "You're a real bully, you know that?"
The thwomp smirked. "All right, here's your question: what kind of material and how much of it was used in the casting of mighty King Thwompemall's monument, which stands on Wiggler Hill?"
"What kind of..." Matthew scratched his head and threw Goombella a bewildered look. She gazed back at him with huge eyes, biting her lip and bouncing from the effort of holding back the answer. Her message was clear. He needed to answer because the next question was sure to be the fatal blow. But he had absolutely no idea what the answer was. He wasn't even sure what the question was!
He turned back to Sir Thwackyugood. "It's uh..."
Sir Thwackyugood's smirk slowly grew wider and a manic gleam entered his eyes.
"It's... what kind of... uh... could you repeat the question?"
The thwomp show host bared his teeth in a nasty grin and began, "What kind of..."
"Six-thousand seven-hundred fifty-three pounds of shale was used in the construction of King Thwompemall's monument after his conquest of Fort Koopant in 1670!" Goombella blurted.
Sir Thackyugood turned to her and slowly raised his eyebrows though he was still smirking. He said in silky voice, "That is correct. But that only means that your partner has to answer the final question and if he gets it wrong, you both are sent to the dungeons. If you answer for him, you forfeit the game and get sent to the dungeons. Are the rules clear?"
She nodded mutely, her face pale and beaded with sweat. She looked like she was going to be sick. She leaned in close to Matthew and hissed venomously, "You better not get this one wrong!"
Matthew didn't trust himself to speak. He thought he'd be sick, too. Why should she expect this much from him? She was the one who had memorized the entire history of Petal Meadows, not him! It was Sir Thwackyugood who was being unfair. Unfair and cruel. He must have noticed Matthew had never answered the questions and decided to target him, knowing he would get the answer wrong. Oh, why couldn't they have just done battle or something?
Sir Thwackyugood drew himself up importantly, projecting his bowtie as he did. "Very well then. It's the final question, ladies and germs! This will be the one that determines whether our contestants walk away with the mighty King Thwompemall's fabulous treasure or are dropped into the dark and cold dungeon for all eternity! The lady Goomba has gotten them this far, folks, but let's see if her male companion can bring them all the way!"
The invisible crowd whistled excitedly. Matthew tried hard not to throw up. Just hurry up and let's get this over with already, he thought.
The thwomp host lowered his voice dramatically, "The final question. Remember, if you get this one wrong or your partner answers for you, you lose the game and get sent to the dungeons. Are you ready?"
Something exploded in Matthew's stomach and rushed up his throat, but through sheer force of will, he kept it down. Not daring to open his mouth, he simply nodded.
Sir Thwackyugood nodded solemnly back. "Very well then. The final question: what main commodity was transported along the famed trade route of Petal Meadows?"
Matthew's mouth fell open though thankfully nothing spilled from it. He couldn't believe his luck. The trade route of Petal Meadows? That was the question?
Sir Thwackyugood smirked. "Well, Mr. Contestant, what's the answer?"
Matthew hesitated. It couldn't be that easy, could it? The trade route of Petal Meadows? Goombella wouldn't stop talking about it on the way here!
The thwomp game show host spoke, "You have ten seconds to give your answer."
Matthew slammed his hand on the buzzer. Goombella jumped in surprise and Sir Thwackyugood looked up sharply.
"Is it the Kuribo shoe?" Matthew asked.
The room was silent. You could hear a pin drop, if not the brutal pounding of Matthew's heart. Goombella's mouth was open and her eyes were as big as oranges. Sir Thwackyugood merely stared.
Then he started to turn red. Then he started shuddering. Then he started to growl. Then finally he blew his top.
"IMPOSSIBLE!" He leaped from his pedestal and came crashing back down, causing the entire room to shudder. "You couldn't have figured that out on your own! She must have helped you! You cheated!"
"He won fair and square, and you know it!" Goombella shouted, leaping onto the panel.
"No! He cheated! He must have cheated! That's the only explanation! There was no way he could have answered it otherwise!"
"Oh yeah? Prove it!" the archaeology student challenged.
The thwomp snorted. "Fie! It is not my honor that is in question! You forfeit the game by cheating! And you know what that means!" He grinned nastily. "Audience, say goodbye to the cheaters!" He rose into the air.
Goombella exploded with anger. "WHY, YOU DIRTY..."
Sir Thwackyugood stomped down hard. Before Matthew had a chance to run, the floor dropped beneath his feet and he fell. He shot out his arm to catch himself and grabbed Goombella by the ponytail. She yelped in surprise and pain as she backflipped into the hole after him and the two of them disappeared.
"And that's the end of the 65th Annual Quiz Show, ladies and germs! Thank you and good night!" He gave another stomp, causing the flashy furnishings to collapse to the floor, and then one final stomp to send them through another hole in the floor. In a flash, the room was transformed from a game show room to a barren secret chamber with a single bust of a thwomp smirking in the back.
...
Matthew had had many dreams in which he had fallen from a high place, though he woke up just before impact every time. But this experience seemed even more like a dream than any of them ever had.
He felt the wind rushing past him just like it would in freefall, yet he could sense somehow his body was sinking slowly like he was in a swimming pool full of molasses. It was the most bizarre sensation. In the darkness that surrounded them, he saw outlines that looked like stalactites, rising slowly above his head, which only accentuated the dream-like experience. Goombella dangled below him by her ponytail, which he was still holding. She was screaming, her eyes squeezed tight as she braced for impact.
Eventually they touched the ground. Goombella gave a shuddering gasp as though she had dipped into freezing cold water rather than solid ground. A moment later, Matthew found out why. It was like the ground was pushing up toward him inexorably with the intent of smashing him into the ceiling like a bug in a vise. But the feeling only lasted a few seconds and then gravity was right again.
"Are you okay?" he asked his companion. She was panting, doubtless still recovering from the rush of adrenaline that accompanied their fall. After a moment, she fumbled with the light on her helmet until it clicked on. She shined the light around and the two of them took in their surroundings.
They were unquestionably in a dugeon cell. They were surrounded on three sides by stone walls while the fourth was made of iron bars, which had turned dark orange from years of rust though still apparently solid. The skeletal remains of a Koopa gripped the bars as though he longed for one last glimpse of the sky.
Matthew and Goombella exchanged grim glances. Then she kicked him in the shin.
"Ow!" Matthew hopped on one foot. "What was that for?"
"Way to go, genius! Now we're stuck down here! Forever!"
"Now, wait just a minute!" Matthew protested. "I got that answer right! He was trying to find a reason to stick us down here, and the only way he could do that was by claiming we cheated! It's him you should be mad at!"
"Yeah, but you're the dope who grabbed me and pulled us both down here! If you hadn't done that, I might have found some way to save you. Maybe find the Crystal Star and wish you out, but nope! You had to drag me into this, too! Now neither of us is getting out of here! And no one will be able to rescue Princess Peach!"
"Princess Peach, you say?" said a voice from the dark, startling both Goombella and Matthew. "Then you must be the two adventurers I've been waiting for."
Shining Goombella's light through the bars, they saw a cloaked figure approach them. They couldn't see much of him beneath the dark blue cloak except for two bright eyes and an impressive blond mustache. Based on his fashion sense, which was similar to Merluvlee's, he must have been another Merlon.
He stopped in front of them and bowed his head. "My name is Merle. I foresaw that you would be here and so I waited... for three days as a matter of fact. How fortunate the mushrooms grow so abundantly here." He waved his gloved hand around.
Matthew said hopefully, "So you're here to help us?"
"To deliver a message, actually," said the old man and then sat down with a finality that gave Matthew the sinking feeling that this would take a while. He took out a mushroom and took a bite out of it.
"Now..." he mumbled around his meal, "let me see if I have this right. You seek the Crystal Star, which you believe will help you rescue Princess Peach..." He swallowed. "Am I right?"
Matthew nodded. Goombella piped up, "Hey, look, if you don't mind, we could use some help getting out of here. We kind of have this urgent mission, and we'd really like to get back to it because, you know, it's kind of important. 'Kidnapped princess' kind of important."
"All in good time, my dear," said Merle patiently, taking another bite. "Right now, I need to know something. You have a magic map, correct? Why then did you not follow it to the Crystal Star instead of coming all the way out here?"
Goombella didn't take kindly to that. "Excuse me? What, you think we're stupid or something? Like the map told us to go somewhere and we completely ignored it? Well, for your information, we did try to use it to find the Crystal Star, but when we got to Petal Meadows, it stopped working, so we had to do some research to find it ourselves. And just so you know, Matthew had the map the whole time so if you want to blame somebody for ruining it then blame him..."
"Enough." The hooded Merlon waved his hand, effectively stopping her tirade. Merle continued, "I'm afraid you've wasted your time. You've only managed to embarrass poor Sir Thwackyugood for your trouble."
The archaeology student was astonished. "Poor Sir Thwackyugood?"
"Why yes. You see, he was entrusted by King Thwompemall to guard his treasure for all eternity - a post which he was most honored to receive. And for over two hundred years he guarded it without incident.
"Then ten years ago, that all changed. One day, without warning, something crashed through the ceiling. Before Sir Thwackyugood knew it, all of King Thwompemall's treasure that he was so honored to guard was taken... every single piece, save for one trinket..."
Merle pulled something from his voluminous sleeve and held it up for the two of them to see. It looked like a wind-up toy made of jade. Upon closer look, it appeared to be a cricket.
"That was all Sir Thwackyugood had to show after two-hundred thirty-five years of guarding his master's treasure hoard. The dragon took everything else - all of it - and he's been shamed by it ever since." Merle put the wind-up cricket on the ground and folded his arms inside his sleeves. "So it was only natural that he'd be determined to see you lose, so that he could send you to the dungeons. He could not bear the shame of revealing to you how he had lost the treasure you are seeking."
"Well, then why didn't you tell us this before we went through all that?" Goombella demanded.
"Because you were too prideful and cowardly to listen before," Merle answered as he took another bite of his mushroom.
Goombella was flabbergasted. She stammered, "Cowardly... prideful... but... that's no reason... still could've... how dare you... cowardly?"
"You already know where the Crystal Star is. But the map does more than show you where to find them. You needed to find Petalburg first so you could see what they need you to be. And you may have been intended to search for it here first, after all." He got to his feet, stumbling a bit over his billowy robes as he did so though he somehow made it look dignified all the same.
"Now then," he said once he was back on his feet. "Is it clear what you must do?"
Goombella gave the old man a scandalized look. It was Matthew who voiced it. "Go to Hooktail's Castle?"
"Good boy! Off you go, then." He waved his hand over the lock on the cell door and murmured a few mystical words, and the door popped open with a rusty groan.
"Oh," he said as they filed past him. "One last thing before you go." He scooped up the wind-up toy and offered it to Matthew, who took it bemusedly. The Merlon explained, "You may just find it useful in your quest. I don't think it was by accident the dragon left that bit of treasure behind."
"What's that supposed to mean?" said Goombella, her voice sulky.
Merle didn't answer. He simply turned and vanished.
