Chapter 12: Bowser's Conquest

While the Princess herself didn't know where she was being held captive, it was a relief for them all to know that she wasn't in any immediate danger. And they all had the hope that Mario would eventually get the message of her capture and come over the sea with a heroic cry of "Here we go!" to trounce the evil X-nauts and rescue her as he had done countless times before.

Little did any of the hopeful heroes know how futile that hope was. Following the journey of the letter that Professor Frankly did remember to send (with a disguised X-naut hot on its heels), it ended in a mailbox stuffed with three days' worth of postcards, fan mail, and bills, making it apparent that the Mario brothers had not been home for a while now. Something that the old Magikoopa, Kammy, took gleeful note of while hovering on her broom in the branches of a tree.

"Well, well, well," she snickered to herself. "It seems that the cats are away. Which means it's time for Lord Bowser's army to play." With that, she sped off to the castle to report to her heinous lordship.

"Give me a hundred more! I want to see some CRYING!" roared Lord Bowser.

There was plenty of grimacing in the Hammer Corps – some grunting and whimpering, too - as they performed their commanded crunches (which most Koopas found impossible to do). But there was only one who had been foolish enough to give a sob of despair and he was sitting in the belly of one of the Blarggs in the lava moat surrounding the castle. It would be several days and two tons of soap before he'd be breathing fresh air again. Still, there was only so much a Koopa could take before he broke and became 100 points tallied to the cosmic total.

They were all spared this demise when Bowser's right-hand Magikoopa announced herself in dramatic fashion by crashing through the window.

Bowser was on her in an instant. "HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU! THE WINDOWS ARE NOT YOUR PERSONAL WARP PIPES!" he bellowed, jabbing a claw at the glittering debris.

"Oh, nevermind the windows, that's what you've got the grunts for," Kammy told him with a dismissive wave of her wand. "And I have some news that I'm sure is worth a thousand broken windows."

"And if it's not?" asked Bowser, crossing his arms over his chest and glowering menacingly.

Kammy gulped and then answered, "Rest assured, Your Grouchiness, it's the best possible news you could ever hope for... well, close to it, anyways."

"Hmph! Well, then," said the monstrous King of the Koopas, "let's hear it."

"Yes, thank you, my lord," she said with a bow. She announced, "It is with great pleasure that I report to you that Mario and his brother have not been sighted in the kingdom for some time. Their mailbox is stuffed full of unread letters and their windows are all dark and have been so for several days."

She grinned up at her ferocious Lord. He raised an eyebrow and tapped his claw against his arm. "And this means what to me?"

Kammy became flustered when she realized that Lord Bowser didn't get it. Now she would have to explain it to him without making him seem foolish and that was about as tricky as navigating one of his booby-trapped hallways. "Well, they're gone, my lord."

"And...?"

Could Lord Bowser have gone into the Poison Shrooms again? she wondered. "And, well, milord, with them gone, they wouldn't be able to stop you should you decide to, you know, take Princess Peach into our happy, little family..."

She waited for the message to sink in. Watching his face closely, she noticed that the effects of the message weren't working in the way she was expecting. Rather than looking pleased, His Nastiness was turning a dangerous color and his scowl was becoming more pronounced.

"So what you're saying is," he said, his voice a trickle in a dam that was about to burst, "that I need Mario and his pathetic, little brother gone before I can take Princess Peach. You're saying that I can't possibly win unless those two are out of the picture! You're saying that I'm weaker than those chunky, little plumbers! YOU'RE SAYING I'M A COWARD! A LOSER! A FLOORMAT WHO BOWS TO THE BROTHERS EVERY TIME THEY NEED TO WIPE THEIR FEET!"

"N-no, Your Foulness! That's not what I'm saying at all! Oh, please, have mercy on your pathetic servant, oh Great and Terrible Bowser!" she wailed, shielding herself with her broom.

"Let me tell you something," he growled, jabbing his claw at her. "ALL OF YOU! I could crush those brothers anytime I want to. I could flatten the entire Mushroom Kingdom without breaking a sweat. The only reason I don't is because I'm not just some jerk who pushes people around to get his way. I have principles! My father always said to pick your battles, and if that bully, Mario, decides to push it, then I'll step back and let him have it.

"And if ANYONE suggests that I HAVE to cheat to win..." he roared, wheeling on his lackeys, who all turned their heads to avoid eye contact with him, "I will personally haul their sorry shells to Water Land and feed them to the giant Blooper!" He glared at each of them, daring them to suggest it. Then he burst, "I WANT A THOUSAND CRUNCHES!"

His platoon just managed to refrain from groaning. They quietly counted them out, "One... two... three..."

At crunch thirty-seven, Bowser said suddenly, "But wait! If the brothers are gone then that means they left the Princess vulnerable. They abandoned their posts, exposing her to danger! It would serve them right for her to be kidnapped while they were shirking their responsibility, but why should she suffer due to their neglect? Somebody has to protect her, and if Mario won't do it then that means it's up to us. I can't let a little bad blood stop me from doing my duty..."

His platoon were all watching him now, those thousand crunches forgotten. Kammy dared to take a peek from beneath her broom.

Bowser suddenly clapped his hands decisively. "Men!" he barked, "Ready the airships for deployment! Princess Peach is now our custody!"

His platoon all leaped to their feet, raised their fists and cheered. Then they all scattered to ready the airships for invasion number nine.

...

A dozen booms thudded against the big blue canvas that was the sky in an attempt to rip through but with no success. Meeting with more satisfying results were the cannonballs from which the booms had originated, like oversized hailstones crashing into the earth, tearing up green grass, multicolored flagstones, and Tayce T.'s eatery (Tayce T. herself was at a regional cookoff, fortunately). Toads ran screaming in every direction except toward the castle as they all knew fully well what the invader's target was. From the castle ramparts on the south side, the Toad Brigade watched the incoming fleet with dread.

Captain Anxia T. barked his orders, "Load the anti-aircraft artillery and await my command!" He was unsuccessful in hiding the tremor in his voice.

The Brigade carried out his orders and soon from a dozen different murder holes, the mouths of Bill Blasters emerged, ready to fire.

"Lord Bowser!" cried his lieutenant, "They have anti-air artillery!"

"Ready the countermeasures and fire when ready!"

His platoon carried out his orders and soon from a dozen different portholes, the mouths of Bill Blasters emerged, ready to fire.

"Fire!" screamed Captain Anxia T.

Like a very loud drumroll, Bullet Bills blasted from the murder holes and arced toward the fleet. In another drumroll, Bullet Bills blasted from the fleet and dipped to intercept the incoming fire. Moments later, the air rippled from the force of a dozen blasts that lit up the sky like fireworks.

The Brigade howled in terror. Not only had Bowser's fleet managed to stop their attack, they had enough Bullet Bills left over to target their Bill Blasters, and even as Captain Anxia T. screamed, "Fire again! Fire again!" the Bullet Bills crashed into their Bill Blasters and sent the whole artillery up in smoke.

The pathetic defenses of the Toad Brigade surmounted, Bowser's fleet sailed in without further resistance, coming to a stop in front of the ruined facade of the castle. Up on the deck of the lead airship, his Koopa Troopas unrolled a rope ladder for Lord Bowser to climb down, but he ignored it, leaping off the ship and landing on the flagstones with an almighty crash that sent up chips of stone like reverse hailstones. Then, like an unstoppable juggernaut, Bowser proceeded into the castle, kicking down doors and scattering Toads who still had the moxie to stand in his way with puny little spears thrust in front of them. Kammy flew in behind him.

He reached the throne room where Princess Peach usually cowered behind her retinue of Toad bodyguards. It wasn't Princess Peach, this time, but some old Toad in official-looking robes.

He stammered, "A-as regent of th-the Mushroom K-Kingdom, I c-command you to cease your as-assault and depart at o-once!" His retinue thrust their spears in a futile attempt to intimidate the Koopa King.

Bowser raised a red eyebrow. "You're regent? As in, you're filling in for her?"

"I-I will not rep-p-peat myself! Leave now, I command you!"

Bowser plucked the regent by his cap and held him up to his face. The regent trembled violently under the red-eyed stare and tried not to imagine the wavering breath coming out of the monster's mouth turning into red hot flames and sauteing him.

Bowser snorted and then growled, "Listen, bub, I don't take orders from puny little toadstools - or anyone else. I'm here to take Princess Peach, so you'd better tell me where she is before I turn you into a steamed vegetable!"

The regent whimpered but remained resolutely silent. He curled in on himself, waiting for the punishment to come.

"I'm going to count to three," growled the Koopa King, holding up three fingers. He counted, "One... two... thr..."

"She's on vacation!" howled one of the retainers. Bowser glanced down at him and sneered.

"Isle Delfino! That's where she went! Please don't hurt us!"

Kammy Koopa leveled her wand at the Toad. "You'd better not be lying to us, or else my little wand here might just turn you into a Fuzzy!"

"It's the truth, I swear!"

"Hmm..." Kammy studied each of the trembling Toads. "It doesn't seem like he's lying, but we'd better search the castle just to be certain."

"You search the castle," snarled Bowser. He dropped the regent and then wheeled around and began stomping back toward his ship. "I'm going to Isle Delfino and taking back my princess."

"L-Lord Bowser, wait!" Kammy scurried after him. "Don't leave me behind!"

As soon as they were gone, the Toads turned on the informant with accusatory stares. "Way to go, traitor. Now her vacation's ruined... again."

The informant whimpered pitifully.