Chapter 18: TEC Learns Manners

The X-naut fortress was in disarray. An army of wounded X-nauts was pouring into the fortress and X-naut medics rushed about trying to organize them all to be repaired.

Sir Grodus oversaw it from his throne room, his eyes sparking angrily. "What happened?" He shouted. "How could an army of our finest be bested by a bunch of insects?"

Lord Crump did his best to give a good excuse. "It had to have been the Crystal Star! That's the only way he could have beaten us!"

Sir Grodus shouted back, "Do not lie to me! I saw it all through the MVN!"

It was such a mess, even Princess Peach down in the lowest level of the fortress could tell something had happened. An X-naut looking quite frazzled rushed into her cell with a tray of the gray slop they called "vitamins and minerals" and a glass of water, almost spilling them in his haste and bumping into the few pieces of furniture before rushing back out again, tripping on his own feet. Then he was gone and it was silent.

"He sure seemed in a hurry. I wonder what's going on?" she wondered aloud. An awful thought struck her. "Oh, I hope they aren't preparing for war!" The thought distressed her so much that she couldn't muster the will to dig into her "vitamins and minerals," which was barely manageable at the best of times.

A few hours later, the door to her cell opened. No one entered though and the door remained open.

"I wonder if that's TEC," she murmured, peering cautiously out of the cell. The corridor was empty and dark except for a few lights ahead of her.

"Guess that's his way of telling me to come." She stepped outside the cell and as before the door hissed shut behind her. With slow, trepid steps she made her way down the hallway. As had happened before, the lights in front of her turned on one at a time while the lights behind her turned off. She didn't run though, knowing what was waiting at the end though it seemed TEC was trying to move her faster as the light above her would turn off, plunging her into semi-darkness. She refused to be hurried, however, and she said out loud, wondering if the computer could hear her, "Patience, TEC. I'm coming. There's no need to hurry me. I'm only coming because I promised to tell you what I know of humans."

Finally, she entered the server room, which as before sounded like a room full of electronic crickets.

TEC spoke, "Princess Peach shows a changed response to stimulus previously established as a motivator to reach the target location within an effective time limit. What variables have changed?"

The princess blinked. "Pardon, are you talking to me?"

"Correct. Why were you motivated in the previous test and why were you not this time?"

"Well... I suppose it was because I thought I would be able to escape the last time. This time I knew it was just you."

There was a whirr and a click. Then the computer spoke, "Is there a stimulus that would motivate you as it did in the last test?"

"I doubt it," she said coolly. "You told me Sir Grodus has expressly forbidden my release, and I'm afraid that's the only 'motivator' I have to run here."

The computer whirred and clicked and then said, "You responded well to the incentive of communicating with your allies. Will you accelerate your pace from your cell to this chamber if I allowed you to speak with Matthew afterward?"

Peach gasped, "Oh my goodness! Matthew! Is he all right?"

TEC responded, "I will assume then that this is an adequate..."

"Is Matthew all right?" the princess interrupted.

There was a burst of harsh beeps like an 8-bit explosion and then TEC spoke, "I will allow you to message him..."

"For goodness sake, TEC, just please tell me if Matthew and his friends are all right!"

"You have not yet met the prior condition..."

"Please, TEC!"

There was the sound of whirring. Peach held her breath as she felt that she had finally gotten through to the rationalistic machine. At last, there was a click and TEC reported, "I can confirm that Matthew and his allies are alive and in good health - a surprising finding contrary to prior calculations."

Princess Peach frowned. "What do you mean?"

TEC explained, "At 2042 hours, Pacific Time, our forces were surprised by an attack from Matthew and his cohorts. At 2103 hours, Lord Crump engaged him, using a model X0461 battle suit. Four thousand to one odds indicated that Lord Crump would emerge the victor yet Matthew and his cohorts defied the odds by destroying his battle suit and chasing off our invading forces. Many of them are recuperating in the medical wing as we speak.

"So he's okay then?" Princess Peach sighed in relief. "Thank you, TEC. I'm glad you told me."

TEC remarked, "It is strange. You and Sir Grodus share similar traits."

At this, the princess gasped in indignance. "How dare you compare me to that despicable tyrant! I am nothing like that man!"

"On the contrary, you share a considerable number of traits, including a single-mindedness in your pursuits that no amount of logic can deter. You also share a characteristic with him in which your volume is often far above the threshold necessary to be heard."

"Th-that doesn't make us the same!" Peach protested. She added uncertainly to herself, "Does it?"

There was a whirr and a click. Then TEC spoke, "You find it undesirable to be compared to Sir Grodus, correct? Why is that?"

"Because he's cruel and selfish and heartless and... and a bully! A cruel, selfish, heartless bully, and I don't want to be anything like that!" She began to sob.

TEC spoke, "You are not crying because you are happy, correct? Is this response a result of distress?"

Peach didn't respond because she was afraid the computer would reveal more aspects about her that she didn't want to see. She had always strived to be a good ruler - a good person, really - to be always helpful, cheerful, wise, understanding, polite, and all the other traits that people expected of her... traits that Sir Grodus didn't have. So how could she be similar to him? Where had she gone wrong?

There was a whirr and a click. Then TEC spoke, "If the traits you share with Sir Grodus distress you then perhaps the traits you don't share will de-stress you. For example, the focus of your efforts are predominantly on the well-being of your compatriots with little regard to the progression of the agenda, which I will assume is your rescue."

The wording was so confusing to Peach that she stopped crying simply from the effort of translating it. "Huh?"

"You also have a peculiar insistence on using superfluous words to push your agenda, such as "please" and "thank you," which my research has indicated is a peculiarity of your race, for what purpose I was not able to determine satisfactorily."

"Well, it's... it's just proper manners, that's all," said Peach bemusedly.

"You say this as though this is fundamental. My research also indicates, however, that it is quite uncommon in your world and serves little, if any purpose, other than ceremony."

"It isn't just ceremony, though!" Princess Peach protested, now to a topic she knew well. "And it is fundamental! They're the fundamentals of decency! The way we treat others is important! If we treat others well then they will treat us well and be more willing to help us in our time of need!"

"Such as Matthew and his cohorts?" TEC supplied.

The princess gasped at the realization. She answered shakily. "Yes... like Matthew and... his friends." She shook from the effort of controlling the swell of gratitude she felt for them.

"You say 'proper manners' will make other subjects more inclined to offer assistance in your time of need, yet my research indicates that you have had no communication with him prior to the message sent on my console. If this is the result of 'proper manners' then perhaps this merits further study and you will assist me in this endeavor. I offer the same incentive as before."

"You mean you'll let me talk to Matthew?"

"Correct."

A smile broke on Princess Peach's tear-stained face. "In that case, thank you, TEC. I'll be happy to help."

"You are a strange one," the computer remarked. "My sensors indicate you are in conditions less than ideal for happiness to foster: a hard bed, bland food, and company you are opposed to, and yet merely setting conditions for your cooperation causes you to declare your happiness. Is this trait unique to you or is it shared among others of your kind?"

The question was rather startling to Princess Peach. She was an optimistic person but she wasn't naive. "I suppose there are others who share this trait but it isn't very common," she answered truthfully.

"What conditions bring about this trait? Can it be employed to everyone to bring them happiness?"

"Well, it's as I said before: it's good manners. It has to be taught."

"And the phrases 'please,' 'thank you,' and 'good night' are part of good manners?"

"Yes," she answered. "The fundamentals of good manners."

"Then if I add these words to my diction, it will constitute good manners?"

"I-I guess so," said the princess, unsure what the computer was getting at.

"Please, are there wrong thank you configurations to their good night use?"

Princess Peach tried her best not to laugh. "Oh... oh, yes... yes, there are... proper ways to use them..." She snickered and then said, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh but you clearly don't know how to use them properly."

"You will teach me their proper use then," TEC replied. The princess wasn't sure if the computer was capable of embarrassment.

She said, "Well, there's a good use for 'please,' right there. If you ask someone to do something for you, you usually say 'please' first. As in, 'Please teach me the proper use of those words.' And if someone does it, you say, 'Thank you.'"

There was a whirr and a click. Then TEC responded, "Then 'thank you' would be an appropriate response in this situation, correct?"

"Yes!" Princess Peach exclaimed with delight. "Ooh, you learn fast!"

"What do I do if you had not done what I told you?"

"Well, I... uh, you would... you know, I hadn't really thought of it. I mean, I guess there's always the possibility the person will say 'no.' They do have that choice to refuse to do what you ask."

"Has it not happened before?"

"Well, it has... but..."

"But the method is usually successful?"

"I... guess so."

"Then do you not know the proper response to a refusal to cooperate?"

The princess gave it some thought. Then she answered, "Well, if they say 'no,' then you respect that decision. It is about allowing the other person to have a choice... to let them choose if they want to help you or not, and if they don't want to then... you respectfully allow them that decision."

"What of your insistence that I tell you the condition of Matthew and his cohorts? Was that proper manners?"

Princess Peach gasped. "Oh my! Well, that... it's just that... I had to know if he was okay... oh, dear, that wasn't proper manners at all! Oh, I'm so sorry! Please forgive me."

There was a whirr and a click. "Forgive: to absolve one of offense or debt; to cease resentment against an offender." There was another whirr and a click. "Resentment: a feeling of displeasure towards an offender." In yet another whirr and a click, TEC responded, "I do not meet that requirement, so it seems your request is irrelevant."

"So... you forgive me?"

"As I have said, I hold no resentment for you, so I cannot forgive you. On the contrary, this conversation has been very illuminating for me... more so than I had anticipated. That being the case, I believe this is an appropriate condition for me to say, 'Thank you.'"

"Oh..." said the princess bemusedly. "Well, uh... you're welcome, TEC. Happy to help."

The computer whirred and clicked once more and then said, "Is 'you're welcome' another variable in 'proper manners'?"

She nodded. "Yes. It shows that you're happy to help."

"Happy?"

"Yes."

There was one last whirr and click. Then TEC said, "I have a considerable amount of data now and I would like to compile them. Please return to your cell and I will call you when I have finished."

Princess Peach gasped, "Oh! But... didn't you promise I could talk to Matthew?"

TEC responded, "You are correct. Please give me your message and I will send it to him."

The princess beamed. "Oh, thank you, TEC. Now let's see..."

...

"...As your new Elder, my first act is to officially recognize the valorous efforts of Matthew and his friends to aid us in claiming our Tree back from the clutches of the foul invaders..." Punio spoke from atop a branch with a kink in it, which gave it a convenient perch, to the convocation gathered on the Convocation Crown, constituting Punis as well as Jabbies, Piders, Clefts, and Fwooshes. It was in a surprising (or perhaps not so surprising) move from the prior Puni Elder that she announced she was retiring and naming Punio as her successor, using words like, "for demonstrating decisive and effective leadership during a crisis." While initially hesitant, Punio eventually took to the role with aplomb.

Goombella nudged Matthew and whispered, "I guess being long-winded is part of the job of an Elder, eh?"

Matthew whispered back, "Said the pot to the kettle."

She kicked him and he yelped aloud. This got a few head-turns, making him blush and duck his head in shame. Then he yelped again when he felt a vibration in his pocket.

Koops blushed for him. "Q-quiet, please. It's r-r-rude to talk when a leader's speaking."

Matthew pulled out the Mailbox SP, which was still vibrating noisily, and flipped it open. Goombella leaped onto his shoulder and hissed excitedly, "It's from Princess Peach!"

Koops crowded in. "Wh-what's it say?"

"A-HEM!"

The three of them looked up at the pedestal where Madame Flurrie was perched behind the new Puni Elder like some bodyguard and found her glaring at them. Feeling sheepish, Matthew held up a finger and shuffled away from the convocation to a relatively private section behind one of the twisted branches. Goombella and Koops followed him, and once they were all hidden, Goombella hissed, "Well, hurry up and read it, Matthew! We can't keep the princess waiting!"

So he read aloud:

"Dear Matthew and Co.,

"I have heard that you managed to best the X-nauts, and I wanted to express my sincerest gratitude for facing this danger for my sake. I do beseech you to be careful though as I've no doubt Sir Grodus, the leader of the X-nauts, is a man who does not take defeat lightly. I would not blame you at all if you were to give up now. I am certain that once Mario learns of my plight, he will take the charge and come to my rescue. You are still heroes for having come this far and again I am sincerely grateful for it, but please, don't do anything reckless. I couldn't bear the thought of you being hurt in my name.

"Sincerely,

"Princess Peach."

Goombella shook her head. "Well, that's just like her, huh? To be concerned about others, despite her own predicament."

"Yeah," Matthew nodded. "But there's no way in heck we're just leaving her there! Am I right?"

"I don't know," said Koops thoughtfully. "Sh-she might have a point. It'll probably only get m-more dangerous from here. Are we really r-ready for wh-what's coming?"

Matthew thought about it. He imagined the X-nauts all coming for him and he felt a pang of panic at the thought. Maybe it was a good idea to just quit here. He wasn't qualified to be a hero. He'd never faced down a bully at school before, let alone a group bent on world domination. Maybe he ought to just leave this to the professional. After all, the princess basically said as much...

Ah, who was he kidding? He couldn't just abandon her! And this was his one chance to actually be a hero! He couldn't live with himself if he just decided, "Ah, welp, too dangerous for me!" Heroes didn't choose their own difficulty level. They overcame the difficulty level set for them. He ought to know. He usually set them. And now karma wanted to see if he could walk the walk. And he was for sure going to walk that walk even if he died...

Oof. That was a downer. He'd cross that bridge when and if he got there. He turned to his compatriots. "Well, I'm going to keep going. If either of you wants to leave, go ahead. I won't blame you."

Goombella's eyes bulged. "Excuse me? You really think I'd let some punk kid claim all the credit for this adventure? I am an explorer, for heaven's sake! I do this sort of thing in my spare time!"

Koops mumbled half to himself, "Erm, well... I guess it makes sense... you helped m-me find my dad, after all... I owe you for that, s-so... I'll come, too."

Matthew grinned, feeling honored that his two partners would stick with him. He was about to say as much when a loud voice caused the three of them to jump, "And WHAT do the three of you think you're doing? Do you realize how rude it is to simply walk out on ceremony, especially when it's in your honor?" Madam Flurrie glared down at them with her arms crossed disapprovingly.

Matthew gulped. "Er, sorry about that. We just got an urgent message from Princess Peach and thought we should answer it."

"It wasn't that urgent," Goombella murmured.

Fortunately, Madam Flurrie didn't seem to have heard her for she exclaimed, "From Princess Peach, you say? Goodness, what an honor! I do hope she isn't in any trouble again."

Matthew's cheeks grew pink, feeling embarrassed for the princess. "Well, as a matter of fact..."

"That's actually why we're here," Goombella explained, taking over the conversation. "You see we're gathering these Crystal Stars so we can use them to find her and also to keep the X-nauts from getting their greedy, little fingers on them."

"Find her?"

"Yeah, see the X-nauts took her but we don't actually know where they're keeping her. We're trying to get her back, but we have to find the Crystal Stars first and every time we try to wish ourselves to Princess Peach, they just send us to this door and then the map goes crazy..."

"THOSE X-NAUTS!" Madam Flurrie boomed angrily. "Ooh! I haven't been this riled up since my days as a diva! I was an actress, you know. That does it! I have every notion to march over there and give them all a piece of my mind! Not only do they go about terrorizing a peaceful community, but they have the audacity to kidnap and mistreat a princess of upstanding character, and it makes me simply furious!"

As she sat there fuming, her fists balled, a Puni came scuttling up. He noticed her expression and adopted a meek temperament. "Um, excuse me?"

Madam Flurrie's expression changed immediately. "Oh, my apologies, dear. These good people were simply relating to me the awful deeds of those horrible X-nauts and I simply couldn't contain myself." She took a moment to compose herself with a deep breath and then said in a calmer voice, "Did you need something, dear?"

"Erm, Punio... I mean, Elder Punio wants all of you to come to the front."

"Oh, yes, of course, thank you, dear. We'll be there right away." She gave the three of them a pointed look and they all sheepishly made their way to the front. The gathering cheered for them as they did, which made Matthew feel a little more guilty for walking out on the ceremony, especially when he saw Punio beaming at him.

"Friends and neighbors," the new Elder declared, "this is Matthew, Goombella and Koops, the three heroes who helped to free our Tree. Please show them your support."

Their support was in the form of enthusiastic cheers and it made all three of them blush to hear it. Goombella tucked a foot behind her shyly and beamed. Koops bowed and remained there. Matthew as the leader of the group felt he should set the example and so waved to the cheering gathering.

"And we, the leaders of our respective tribes," Punio continued, nodding to the four other leaders - with Chief Jabbicus being replaced by another Jabbie named Jabbick, "would like to show our support as well. If there is anything we can do for you, please let us know and we will do our best."

Matthew responded automatically, "Oh, we're good, we..." then he remembered, "Uh, actually, I was wondering if we could take the Crystal Star."

"With pleasure," responded Chief Tarant, and indeed he did look pleased to give it to him, maybe even a little too eager as he took the Star from where it sat between the gathered chiefs and shoved it at Koops, who took it rather bemusedly.

"Uh, th-thanks?"

"No, no," responded Chief Tarant with a gracious bow, "thank you." Then he scuttled back to his place.

Goombella glanced over at the chiefs and then wondered aloud, "What happened to Chief Jabbicus?"

Madam Flurrie answered, "That's actually a rather curious thing. You see, when we all went down to collect that, Chief Jabbicus... well, let's say he was a little too enthusiastic about it and when he tried to use it, there was a flash and the next thing we knew he wasn't moving."

The gathering gasped. Goombella exclaimed, "Wait, you're saying he's..."

"Oh my goodness, no, dear, I didn't mean to frighten you all! What I meant was Chief Jabbicus was somehow frozen in time. But I'm fairly certain the effect will wear off eventually and he'll be as right as rain again."

"Serves him right, I'd say," muttered Punio. At the disapproving glare Madam Flurrie gave him, he hastily announced, "And that concludes our ceremony." He turned to the three heroes, "Would you honor us in attending a celebration?"

Matthew cringed guiltily. "Well, we'd love to, but I think we'd better get going. Princess Peach is in trouble and we'd like to hurry."

Punio didn't look disappointed. In fact, he looked rather proud. "We understand. A hero's work never ends, huh? Well, if you need anything, know that you have the full support of the Puni Tribe."

"And the Jabbie Tribe," declared Chief Jabbick.

"The Pider Tribe offers its humble services," hummed Chief Tarant with a bow.

"Cleft Tribe, too!" growled Chief Acelftis.

Chief Fwooshina murmured, "I'm not sure if we would be up to the task, but we will try our best should you ask."

Matthew beamed. "Well, thanks, guys. We appreciate the offer." He turned to his comrades. "Come on, guys. We have a princess to rescue."

With this heroic declaration (Matthew felt he was getting the hang of it now), the three of them turned for the tunnels leading back through the tree. Once the convocation was behind them, Koops spoke up, "Hey, uh... did... did we e-ever... respond to the prince-princess?"

Matthew froze. "Oh, that's right! I completely forgot! Thanks, Koops, I'll text her back right away." He pulled out the Mailbox SP and began typing the message.

"Pardon me, darlings!" said a voice, making the three of them jump. "But might I have a word with you?"

...

"I wonder if he'll reply soon?" Princess Peach murmured, staring up at the blank screen.

TEC answered, "I can confirm that Matthew has received the message and has opened it. However, he does not seem to be responding to it."

"Oh... well, I'm certain he's busy," she said, trying to hide her disappointment.

"Or perhaps he is unable to respond," TEC offered. "Perhaps he is incapacitated in some way or perhaps the recipient was not Matthew at all."

"Oh, dear! But didn't you say that Matthew was okay?"

"As of two hours and twenty-eight minutes ago, I can confirm that was the report. However, there are currently no X-nauts in position to monitor him and so I cannot confirm his continued health."

"That's a terrible thing to say!"

"It is the truth. I am a machine designed to collect and compile information that is as close to one hundred percent accuracy as possible."

"But to say he could be hurt? It isn't nice to make people worry!"

"Then you would prefer I withhold such speculations?"

"Well... there's no reason to make people worry if you don't know for sure, and... oh!" The computer gave a cheerful "ping!" and an image of an envelope appeared on the screen.

"Matthew has sent a reply," said TEC in what could have been a facetious voice if Princess Peach was convinced he was capable of it.

"He's okay then!" she exclaimed with relief.

TEC didn't say anything but the envelope opened and Princess Peach read the reply:

"Dear Princess Peach,

"Sorry for the delay. We had an important-type ceremony to finish. The Punies wanted to thank us for helping win back their tree from the X-nauts (we'll tell you the whole story later). Anyway, how are you holding up? Not too badly, we hope. Things are looking pretty up for us: we just got a new member in our rescue party named Madam Flurrie and she's a force to be reckoned with! What I mean to say is with her on our side, we'll have you rescued in no time. Just hang in there and do what you always do: have faith.

"Sincerely,

"Matthew, Goombella, Koops, and Madam Flurrie."

TEC remarked, "Another person joins in this mission to rescue you. Might this also be a result of good manners?"

Princess Peach was too overwhelmed by her emotions to answer. She turned away from the computer screen and did her best to dry her eyes and sniff surreptitiously. When she regained some control of herself, she said thickly, "I'm sorry. I just wasn't expecting... how undignified of me..."

"You display symptoms of exhaustion. Please return to your room to recuperate and we will resume our conversation later. I will compile my data in the meantime."

"Yes, yes, of course," said Princess Peach with a sniff. "Thank you, TEC. I'll do just that."

"You are welcome. Also, according to your fundamentals in proper manners, I must also thank you, for you have provided me with very relevant information that may revolutionize my logistics."

The princess frowned bemusedly. "Oh, well... you're welcome. I'm glad I could help."

"Interesting. Perhaps later sessions will enable me to feel the happiness that motivates you to cooperate."

"Erm..."

"That is all. Good night, Princess Peach."

The princess stood there bemusedly. At last, she shook her head, said, "Good night, TEC." As she left for her cell, she murmured to herself, "What a strange machine."