A week and a half later, it was Monday the eighth of May, and Jin was going to school. He had no doubt it was all down to that matter of helping the Maruyama girl.
He was nervous again though. It was going to be his third first day of school. It had been so long since he had been, that he wasn't sure what to expect. He would be in a new grade, though hopefully in the same class as before. Would the teachers be different? Would the classes be harder? He hoped his private tutoring would be enough to help him keep up with the others. Jin was buttoning up his shirt. It was a lot more fiddly than last time. He had trouble getting the button through the hole and couldn't draw the material together at all for the next button.
Had he grown? He felt the same size. But the shirt was tight about his upper arms now too, come to think of it. But he'd only worn this uniform for two months since he'd been bought it. Jin looked in the mirror, panicking. The hours of relentless training had definitely changed his body – broadening the muscles in his back, his chest, his arms, thickening sinew in his legs. Maybe he could just wear the school sweater and hide the fact he couldn't get the stupid shirt done all the way up.
The sweater was very tight too. It was stiff when he moved his arms, and he was faintly worried he might rip it.
A knock sounded on the door. Jin cast a fraught look in the mirror, then quickly stood tall and proud. He opened the door. Fujita stood in the doorway.
"Master Jin, the car will-…" The old butler cut himself off and his eyebrows raised. "Your uniform is too small. We need to get you fitted immediately."
"It's fine for today," Jin said, as dismissively as he could.
"It is not fine for today, Master Jin. Ill-fitting clothes on the heir of the Mishima reflects poorly on the family. It is of utmost urgency that this situation be resolved before you go anywhere in public. You can go and get measured today and you'll have a new uniform for tomorrow."
"No!" Jin surprised himself. He calmed though when he continued talking. "No… Today is the first day of school term. I have to be there for today. Tomorrow is too late. Things are settled in, unchangeable. I have to go today."
Jin looked at the old man, willing him to understand. It might be just school to all the adults, but there was a whole ecosystem out there, and if he didn't find his place on the first day, it would be another year of awkwardness and getting left out.
"There is one thing that can be done," Fujita said quietly. "But Mishima-sama won't like it. It would be better for both of us were he not to find out."
Jin had never heard Fujita say 'us' before. His heart beat faster at the thought of a conspiracy against his grandfather.
"Wait here a moment," the butler said. He returned a few minutes later with a white shirt in hand. "Try this on."
He handed Jin the shirt and then turned around and stood in the doorway, his back to Jin. Jin had trouble getting the sweater off. The thing clung to him horribly and he had to really work to get it over his head. There was a distinct tearing of cloth at one point. He split a button on the shirt too, then hurried to divest himself of it. The new shirt he slipped on was well made, with good, soft material. It fitted like it had been made for him.
"Much better," Jin murmured when he was done.
Fujita turned round and nodded. He checked the shoulders, then had Jin hold out his arms and checked the sleeve length.
"Not bad. I'll ensure that you have clothes for tomorrow, Master Jin. Don't wear that sweater. It's far too small, you'll have to go without today. The temperature doesn't look too bad, and you seem somewhat immune to the cold anyway."
Jin gave a small smile. He didn't feel the cold all that much, but he was surprised to see the butler had noticed that. He wondered if Heihachi knew things about him like that. Probably not something he wanted passed on to him…
"Thank-you, Fujita-san," Jin said, and bowed his head to him. Fujita returned the bow deeper, then straightened and went to the door. Jin caught him with another question before he got there. "Was this my father's?"
Fujita paused in the doorway. He didn't look back.
"Yes, Master Jin."
He left.
Jin looked in the mirror. His father's. He touched the material. This was the closest he'd ever got to him. Maybe the closest he'd ever get. He dropped his hand, chest filling with guilt. Whatever Kazuya had been, he was a black hole no one wished to speak about. Jin couldn't help but feel tarnished by it; couldn't help wonder if whatever it was that made Kazuya terrible, might also be something in him. Even though he'd lived all his life on Yakushima, believing himself to be only Kazama, the reality had finally caught up with him, and branded him like that dark symbol on his arm. He was changing, here at the estate. It was harder to be kinder, and easier to be aloof or angry. What if being here was turning him more like Kazuya?
Jin swallowed. He smoothed back his hair as best he could, then filled his chest with air and strode out to where the black jeep was waiting for him.
Once seated, Jin held himself still and poised, practising eliminating all discomfort from his outer appearance despite the anxiety thudding in his chest. He wanted this. He would be able to see other people again, and, most importantly, go swimming again. His father was dead, and, as he'd always been told, it was your choices who made you who you are, not the things you're born with.
When Jin got to school, he strode in with everyone else, thankfully without drama or incident. He went straight to the secretary's office and knocked. He entered and bowed slightly.
"Konishi-san, I am rejoining the school. You should have received a message informing you of this. I would like to be in the class I was in last year. I assume I need a new timetable."
The secretary stalled a moment, taking him in, then she smiled quickly.
"Of course, Kazama-san. Everything has been processed ahead of time for you." She handed him a timetable. "The gym reserved for you during your karate hours has been marked on there. You're in a different homeroom, but with the same students," she told him.
Jin didn't like change. This was okay though, it would be okay. At least the people were the same.
It took him a short while to work out where the new room was. When he got there, the door was locked and all the students were lined up outside. Jin joined the end of the line.
"Jin?! Jin!" Miharu bounded over to him.
Everyone was turning round to stare. Jin kept his breathing perfectly even.
"We all thought you'd died or something! You just vanished off the face of the planet! I told you you should get a phone! We didn't know what had happened!" Miharu brushed at her eye.
Was she… crying? Because he'd been off school for a few months? He supposed maybe from their perspective, they couldn't have known if he was alright, let alone coming back.
"I apologise for worrying you," Jin said.
"Who's worried?!" Miharu sniffed a little. "Just got something in my eye! And since when have you sounded so proper!"
Jin looked affronted.
Miharu laughed. "That's more like it!"
Jin gave a smile. A real one. It had felt like a while since he'd done that. He saw Saito hurrying over. He looked awkward and adjusted his glasses, glancing elsewhere as he said roughly,
"Welcome back, Kazama-kun. Where did you go?"
Miharu looked at Jin too, also eager to hear an answer.
"I was at home. I had a private tutor for some months."
"Huh… How come you didn't tell us or anything?"
Jin shrugged. "I don't have a phone."
He was glad that the teacher arrived then. The line of questioning was becoming just a little invasive.
Their new classroom was on the ground floor, and the teacher had them sit in a prepared seating plan. Jin was in the second column from the window. He could barely see any trees from here. Already he was starting to remember why he disliked school. He was determined to try and enjoy it this time though, and not take it for granted.
Jin sat straight-backed and attentive through his mathematics lesson. It wasn't exactly the same as Kimura's lessons, but he could at least follow along and knew enough to work through the questions they were set. He luckily had one of his training hours straight afterwards, because his attention was waning again by the end. Somehow, even though he knew what to do, and was even up to speed on the knowledge, he still really struggled to concentrate in those classes.
It was strange to be back training alone in the school gym. It always looked like it was meant to be populated. The light that fell through its high windows seemed lonely and cold. Jin put himself through a rigorous warm up, counting off minutes of push-ups, sit-ups, planks, lunges, squats, and then swinging some of the wall apparatus out to do rounds of pull ups. When he was done, he only had twenty minutes left for karate. He muttered darkly to himself. He wasn't used to having such confined time-limits to his training. He had to leave time for a shower too. Jin got fifteen minutes of kata in before he had to shower and run to his next lesson.
He had biology and earth sciences next. He'd been dreading it, but the first thing he saw when he got there was a new textbook on the desk. He picked it up eagerly and began reading.
"You're still so weird…" Miharu said as she sat down next to him.
Jin glowered her way.
The day was still saved though. His new book was familiar in all the right ways – the layout and diagrams and font were in the same style as last year's textbook, so it didn't feel too daunting to start it. He read it in his lessons whenever he got too bored. At lunch, he ate in the classroom for once. It was miserable and raining out, and he didn't want to get the pages of the book wet.
"Huh!" Miharu exclaimed from next to him.
Jin looked up.
"You eat all your bento now," she said.
Jin looked at his food, then at her. Learning to blend in with Heihachi's expectations meant being able to partake of the things his grandfather wanted and to appear at ease while doing so. Eating what was put in front of him with a practised neutrality was becoming easier. Now that he was eating it though, he realised that there was no meat or even egg in the lunchbox. That was odd. He was glad though. Outwardly, Jin merely shrugged and kept reading.
"Jin seems different, don't you think, Koji-kun?"
Saito had been drawing next them, in between taking mouthfuls of onigiri. He scratched his chin, then shrugged too.
"You're just trying to look cool and silent like Jin," Miharu told him. Saito glowered at her, though his cheeks did redden.
Jin didn't think he'd changed that much, he was just better handling himself in situations he didn't really want to be in. But then again, he hadn't thought he'd grown much either, and his school uniform had certainly disagreed.
As the three of them sat eating in the homeroom, they were approached by Ito and her two friends. Miharu narrowed her eyes and Saito sat up straighter.
"We came to see Kazama-kun," Ito said. She looked at the girls next to her, stifled a giggle, then looked back at Jin.
Jin paused with a gyoza on the way to his mouth.
"Uh,… hi?"
"We missed you, Kazama-kun," Ito said quickly. "You've been away so long, we were starting to worry you wouldn't come back."
Jin wasn't sure what to say to that. He just looked at the girls with a mild expression of confusion.
"Well, it's good you're back now. See you round!" Ito fluttered a hand, and the three of them sauntered off, whispering to one another.
Jin put his gyoza in his mouth and kept reading. He only looked up when he realised Saito and Miharu were silent next to him. Miharu was glowing into her phone and pressing the screen just a little aggressively. Saito was looking at him, as if waiting to catch his eye.
"Kazama, mind stepping outside a moment? I have something I want to discuss with you."
Jin looked at Saito mildly, but shrugged in agreement. He slid a bookmark into his textbook, flipped out his sunglasses and put them on. He took a bottle of iced green tea with him too. Saito led them out of the classroom and stopped in the corridor. Jin leaned against the wall and sipped from his bottle.
"Kazama,… I know what's on your mind."
Jin looked at Saito, surprised. "You do?"
Jin had been thinking that he could read about earthworms through his next two classes, and then it would be the end of school and he'd finally get to go swimming and see Ishida again for the first time in five months.
"You're thinking about Ito-chan, aren't you."
"Huh?"
Saito drew himself up. His face was very serious. "I have to ask you something, Kazama." Jin waited to hear him out. "Do you like Ito-chan?"
"Huh?"
"Ito-chan. You spoke to her just now, and you made your costume with her in October, and were taking photos with her on Culture Day."
"I was? Huh… She's fine, I guess."
"No, but do you like her. Like,... you know?"
Jin looked at him, waiting for him to expand.
"Do you have a crush on her?" Saito whispered, cheeks flushing. "Do you like her romantically?! Come on, Kazama!"
"Huh? No... Why?"
Saito huffed. He scratched the back of his head and walked in a small circle. He glanced up and down the corridor, then said in a hushed voice: "Why'd you think?! Because I like her!"
"You like Ito?"
"Shh, keep it down! Of course, I do! Why do you think I gave her my sketchbook to look at!"
"When did you-?"
"Back in September! Remember? When we first met!"
Jin paused, thinking slowly. He didn't remember Ito that day. He just remembered someone throwing paper balls at Saito. "Huh… was that her who ruined your drawings and threw them at you?"
Saito reddened. He folded his arms defensively. "She was just goaded on by her friends... She wouldn't do that if she was on her own."
Jin scowled. "She was horrible to you."
"Look, it's more complicated than that, ok, Kazama? Just, don't go flirting with the girl I like, no one stands a chance when you're wandering around a foot taller than everyone else, with those sad puppy expressions, and all those muscles on your arms."
Jin stared at Saito. He looked at his arms. His muscles weren't that visible...
"Hey, what do you mean sad puppy - I don't look like that."
"Why do you think everyone fawns over you?! You're so annoying, Kazama, you've got everything and you don't even know it. What are you even so gloomy about all the time? You've got looks, money, you're strong, you're tall, you even know loads of stuff - you read textbooks in your spare time, like, leave something for the rest of us!"
Jin blinked. He supposed... he did have a lot. He hadn't really thought about it before. He was always looking at others and wanting what they had, he'd never really thought about the idea that others might be doing the same to him. What a disconcerting thought... People were looking at him, noticing him as he went about his life... Jin rubbed at his chin. He murmured an apology.
"Don't apologise for it! It's just how it is! Just don't walk around ignorant of it, okay?"
"Okay," Jin mumbled. He chewed his lip, a little self-conscious now. He held his tea to him, worrying about how he was perceived.
"Kazama, there's one more thing. Can you keep it between us – this thing about Ito? There's no need to upset Miharu-san."
"Huh?" Jin looked at him. "Why would Miharu be upset?"
Saito looked at him with some disbelief. "Well, because those girls used to be her friends..."
"They did?" Jin wondered if he'd missed all this drama while he'd been away, or if he'd really not picked up on all this before he left.
"Yeah, of course. I guess it was before you came... But you must have noticed she was really eager to hang out with you when you first met. That was right after she had had some big falling out with Ito-chan and her friends. Didn't you notice she didn't hang around with anyone but you, the new kid?"
Jin felt a little stupid. "I guess I never really thought about it... So, you like someone who's mean to you and fell out with Miharu?"
"Don't put it like that. It's not Ito-chan's fault."
"Well, whose fault is it? What happened between her and Miharu?"
"I don't know the details. You'd have to ask Miharu. Just... don't make it about me, I've got enough on my plate."
Jin chewed at his lip. School was so complicated. It was easier to navigate Heihachi's business colleagues at a cherry blossom festival than it was to understand school dynamics.
"Anyway, I didn't mean to sound so petty – I really am glad you're back," Saito added. "It was kind of weird just hanging out with Miharu without you. We don't really have that much in common…" He sighed and adjusted his rucksack. "I have to go drop something off with the manga drawing president, so I'll catch you later, kay?"
Jin waved him off vaguely as he left. He was troubled as he went back to his lunch.
"Was that a secret talk where he told you he has a crush on Ito, so can you please try to look less hot?" Miharu said as Jin sat down.
Jin stared her, blinking.
"Please," she continued. "He's so obvious. Everyone knows he's liked her for years."
Jin wasn't sure what to say. Was it still breaking Saito's confidence if he admitted Miharu had guessed right? How did everyone know but him that Saito liked that girl? And what did Miharu mean – look less hot? He drank some more tea in case the exertion from his karate still showed.
"Uh – Miharu-san, is it true that you and Ito used to be friends?"
Miharu huffed. "Yes, but Ito stabbed me in the back."
Jin flinched, shock in his face.
"Metaphorically," Miharu added. Jin's shock subsided and he relaxed some.
"It's ok if you don't want to talk about it," Jin said gently, thinking of all the times he wished someone had said that to him.
"Are you kidding?! Listen to this, I'll tell you everything." Miharu turned her chair fully to him and put her hands together, pointing them at him. "So, we were all at a sleepover, and we had these co-ordinated super cute cat outfits." Jin's mind was working fast to keep up – this was already well outside of his knowledge and experience. "And we set up these bedsheets as a backdrop, and got these fairy lights and lamps to make the lighting so so perfect, and then we took all these cute photos. Ito had the phone with the best quality, so we took them on hers, and then she was going to send them to all of us, and we were all going to upload one of each of us in our cute outfits at the same time. Except she never sent me mine! She said it got 'deleted'. She sent the others theirs, but not me mine! Everyone had said that night how my solo shoot pic was the cutest, and I just know she deleted mine out of spite, so that everyone would look at her pic and not mine. So I told her I didn't need some backstabbing friend, and she told me I dragged down her style and accused me of stealing her hairdryer – which I never did – I borrowed it and put it right back where I took it from, she probably just lost it like she lost my photos, and then Suzuki and Inoue took her side!"
Miharu was breathing fast by the time she finally ended. She had a fierce, intent look on her face.
Jin just stared at her. Eventually, when it looked like nothing more was coming, he said,
"So, you're not friends because she deleted a photo?"
"Not just any photo, Jin! A highly co-ordinated cute kitty photoshoot photo, where I looked absolutely stunning!"
Jin looked over to where Ito and her friends were sitting. Really, people were very complicated, he thought. It was hard to imagine a situation where a deleted photo was the main source of conflict in someone's life. It wasn't that he looked down on it, so much as was baffled by it. Some people really lived in such a different world to him. He supposed that was part of what Saito had been saying too though. There were many things he had in abundance that others coveted. He lived in a different world in that regard too. Jin's head hurt after thinking about all that, so he turned back to his textbook instead to read about the importance of worms in soil decomposition.
Jin was in a good mood all afternoon, even though the lessons were kind of dull, and Saito and Miharu seemed to be giving each other dark looks, and he had to sit through chalkboards grating on his ears. He had his new book and was looking forward to swimming after school. Jin kept going over in his head what he'd say to Ishida. He hoped the guy wasn't too upset that Jin had just blanked him after that big invitation to join the swim team. Jin wasn't all that interested in swimming competitively, but it could be nice to test himself with it, and it would be easier to bond with others on a team. Maybe he'd say yes, if Ishida would still have him.
Jin had to check his step to make sure it was still reserved and proper as he made his way to the pool after classes had ended. When he entered the locker room, he looked around eagerly. There were some familiar faces like Kaneko, who Jin liked well enough, but that wasn't who he was after. Jin got changed and bandaged up the mark on his arm. He peered around as he still hadn't seen Ishida. He walked into the pool hall and shaded his eyes against the afternoon sun glowing on the still pool. His heart beat faster at the sight of the clear, deep water. It had been so long.
Some of the other swim club members were starting to congregate at the deep end now.
"Excuse me," Jin said, stopping Kaneko. He forgot he didn't need to use such formal language around peers. "Have you seen Ishida-senpai?"
"Ishida?" Kaneko looked slightly perplexed. "He graduated, man. He was in senior year."
Jin's brain stopped working. He stood blinking at Kaneko. After a moment, Jin shook his head.
"Wait, but he can't – … who's going to coach the swim team?"
"We elected a new team captain at the end of last term."
"W-… who?"
"Me."
"You? But-… But, I thought Ishida would-…"
"He can't stay here forever, bro. You want him to be still captaining swim teams instead of going off to university?" Kaneko asked. Jin did, but he didn't say so. "I heard he got into a good school too. They're gonna love him there, I bet, he's got such a kind heart."
Jin felt a smouldering of anger in his chest. He felt frustrated and confused.
"Will he come back here ever?" he asked.
"To school?" Kaneko was giving him a weird look. "Not unless it's for a festival or a reunion or something. You going to swim with us or what, Kazama?"
"Y… yeah," Jin said slowly, still trying to compute the concoction of different stirring emotions in his chest. "He asked me if I wanted to join the team, I never got a chance to say anything…"
Kaneko looked apologetic. "Well, no offence, Kazama, but we've kind of got the numbers already. Don't get me wrong, you're a great swimmer, but we need… well, commitment from people who want to be on the team. You just disappeared on us for six months."
"Five. …Five months."
"Yeah." Kaneko nudged him. "Still, wanna swim? Might help take your mind off things."
Jin found it hard to swim. He loved the moments he was underwater, silent and alone, but his chest ached in a way he couldn't fathom even there. Every time he surfaced, he saw the swim team at the far end of the hall, talking tactics and laughing together. It hurt to see them and know that he could have been a part of that, and it hurt to see all those familiar faces and no Ishida. Jin wondered if he'd ever see him again.
By the time Jin was sitting in the car on the way home, his anger and frustration were added to by a quiet sadness. He wished he didn't feel so many things. Other people always looked like they were managing so well, while Jin felt he was constantly trying to sit down on a box filled to bursting with fierce emotion. He sat silent and still in the car, practising that neutrality that was expected of him.
When he got home though, he slung his belongs into his room, pulled a gi out of his wardrobe and went straight to the dojo. He punched bags in the dojo courtyard until his knuckles bled, then he went for them with his legs – hammering round kicks into them with explosions of energy. Then he practised elbows and knees, then he wrapped his hands and was punching again. He poured every confusion and hurt and anger into those attacks, like he was pouring the pieces of his soul out through his fists. When he was done, he stood still, limbs quivering. The punchbag was looking very worse for wear. Jin didn't care.
Jin washed and sunk himself deep into a tub in the bathhouse. He slipped into its dark waters and centred his thoughts, his mind, his self, until there was nothing, just perfect silence.
After a while, he pulled himself onto the edge of the pool. His muscles ached and his hair clung soaked to his face. He leaned back and looked at the jade tiles far above. He needed to stop letting other things distract him. Swimming, friends, school, Ishida, even that biology textbook. None of that would mean anything unless he could destroy the ogre.
He swallowed. Why did everything feel so far away? Why did it feel like he was looking through a window onto a warm room, while he stood on a street caught in a thunderstorm?
Normal people worried about who they liked at school. Normal people were upset about a nice photo that had been deleted. Wasn't there anyone like him? Wasn't there anyone who needed to please their billionaire grandfather in order to learn his martial arts and destroy a monster that had torn apart his life, his home, his heart. Wasn't there anyone who lived with this pain in their chest – this unending grief? Wasn't there anyone who had this rage burning under their skin, this untamed, simmering anger at the injustice of what had happened? Wasn't there anyone who got up and put on the face that everyone wanted to see, and hid everything else away inside them, deep deep inside them. Wasn't there anyone who just wanted to swim with sea turtles and collect shells and count mushrooms growing under the cedar trees? Wasn't there anyone who needed to really punch something just to feel unwound enough to sleep? Wasn't there anyone who needed a fight, needed someone to start something, so that they could really let loose? Wasn't there anyone who had nightmares every night, of a hand closing around their throat, squeezing, squeezing until everything closed off and the world started to go dark and death rose up in their vision, spectral and terrible.
What was wrong with him? Was he cursed? Was it because of Kazuya? Kazuya enjoyed violence. Kazuya was hateful all the time, Heihachi had said. Jin was terrified of becoming like that. Or was it the mark on his arm? Heihachi thought that the ogre might have branded him. Had it made him its own? Was he tainted by a demon? How was he meant to go to school and pretend like those things mattered when he had stood before death and looked into its eyes. What did a grade in a class matter when that creature was going to come for him again. It would come and unless he was ready, he would die.
No one needed biology or maths when they were dead.
