Musashi seemed stunned, almost taken aback by the revelation. "Why wasn't this in the official reports?"
"I convinced my superiors to leave that detail out of the official reports we circulated to the other factions and buried the real account under a half dozen security clearances. Only Admiral Clark, myself, and a few others know the truth." I took another shuddering breath before I quickly added. "Now you. Please don't tell anyone."
A soft, thin smile crossed her face as she held me tighter. "Of course I won't," she reassured me. "This has caused you enough pain, and I wouldn't want to cause you any more."
The pain in my heart, which had died down to a dull ache, spiked again. "Appreciated," I said with an attempt at a grin. "Wish more people I cared about would take that attitude."
She gave me a sympathetic smile and nodded. "How long had you two been together?"
"Sixteen years," I answered, and upon seeing the surprise in her golden eyes, I added, "We met when we were in our Junior year of high school. In theater. We were doing Much Ado About Nothing; I was Benedick, and she was Beatrice. We had so much fun on stage that we began spending time together off-stage, we got to know each other and we…" I felt that hand starting to crush my heart again, and I found it hard to speak. "...we…"
Musashi pulled me closer, wrapping her arms around me in a protective embrace. "It's alright," she whispered, "You don't have to talk about this."
I held her tightly, but I shook my head. "I want to," I quietly replied. "I want to get this all out."
She released me just enough to lean her head back, her eyes gazing into mine. I looked back into hers, seeing nothing but warmth and love and fierce protectiveness. It had probably always been there, but I had been so afraid of that, so poisoned by what Rose had done to me, I either didn't notice it before or I would have been repulsed by it. Now, it felt welcoming and safe. "If you want to," she finally relented. "But if it gets to be too much, you can always stop."
"Thank you," I whispered before she pulled me into her comforting hug once again. After I took another deep breath, I continued, bolstered by Musashi's reassurances. "We were inseparable. Every joy, every sorrow, every moment, she was there for me. There's hardly a memory in my life she isn't in and now it feels like they've all been tainted by her treachery. It feels like she's stolen sixteen years of my life, and I…I get so angry when I think about her and what she did, but…at the same time, I'm so heartbroken, so sad that she's done something I can't forgive her for…I just…I don't…" I held onto her tightly as the tears flowed down my cheeks once again.
"Shhhhh," she soothed as she ran her fingers through my hair, still holding me tight. "It's okay. I am so, so sorry you're going through this, Paul. But it's okay to feel so conflicted, so hurt, even after what she's done to you."
I sniffled and looked over at her, not comprehending what she meant. "I-it is?"
"Yes," she gently affirmed. "You loved her, and judging by your reaction, I would say you loved her with all your heart and soul. And I suspect she felt the same way, or at least, you felt she did. Suddenly, she's turned that love against you. There was no period to mourn, no slow slide into unhappiness, just a betrayal of the love and trust you put in her. It was sudden, it was traumatic, and it is going to be hard for you to process. But I want you to know that I am here for you, that you are safe with me, and that you can share your feelings with me."
The dull ache still persisted, but her words and her touch were helping it bleed off, bit by bit, replaced by a feeling of sheer exhaustion. "Thank you," I said, grateful for her kindness. I'd kept myself alone for too long, trying to bear this pain all on my own, and in an afternoon, she'd done so much to help me carry it. "Truly, thank you. This…this means a lot to me."
Her smile, bright and warm, continued to ease the pain. "Anytime. I know it hurts, and I know it will take a long time to heal, but I am here for you." Her smile faded slightly as she glanced around the room. "If you still wish to talk, I'm more than open to do so, but…perhaps on the couch?"
As plush as the carpet was in the office, she had a point. I smiled sheepishly and nodded as we both got to our feet. I took a step towards the couch and stopped when I saw the crumpled divorce papers on the floor. I stared at it as if it were a venomous serpent for a long moment, and I could feel Musashi's eyes on me, no doubt watching to see if I would break down again. Instead of more sorrow, I felt a steely resolve welling up inside me, and in a swift move, I snatched them up from the floor and tore open the envelope. With a few quick strokes of my pen, I signed the document, slipped it into the return envelope, and tossed it into the outbox. The last vestiges of my failed marriage now severed, I fell onto the couch with a loud, long sigh.
Musashi sat next to me and gently placed her hand on my shoulder. "And how do you feel now?"
Unconsciously, I placed my hand on hers as I took stock of my mental state before I answered her. I still felt a whirlwind of emotions, but mostly I felt…empty. As if I'd just hollowed out the better part of myself. "Angry. Bitter. Sad. I feel like there's a gaping hole inside of me now," I admitted. "Like I just threw away the last sixteen years of my life. So many happy memories, gone…"
"Then you'll have to make new ones," she warmly suggested. "Lots of them, to make up for lost time."
To say I was somewhat skeptical of her plan would be an understatement, to say the least. "Uh-huh…and how do we plan on accomplishing that while being kept in exile?"
"We could start by making a few more special meals," she easily replied. "What's your favorite dish?"
"Used to be steak," I spat bitterly, "But that was the meal she used to poison me."
Her face fell, and I could see in her eyes that Musashi's heart went out to me. "Oh, Paul…I'm so sorry…I guess we'll have to add new favorite meals to the list as well…"
"I liked the okonomiyaki," I helpfully offered, "Dunno if I would say it's my new favorite food, but…it was definitely delicious."
That warm smile returned to her face as she nodded. "That's a start. I'll see if we can't vary things up a bit more. Perhaps some more traditional Sakura dishes?"
I managed to muster up a weak, but genuine, smile. "Sounds good."
"Excellent! How about ramen to start with?"
"Like…the cheap stuff that comes in a plastic bag with a flavor pack?" I asked, wondering if ramen was the same in the Sakura Empire as it was in the Eagle Union.
"Oh, no," she emphatically shook her head with a giggle. "Not at all. It's the same idea, but a true ramen dish uses fresh noodles and a lot more ingredients than a powder packet. Much the same way I would imagine your MRE biscuits and gravy do not compare favorably to a home-cooked version."
"I see," I murmured thoughtfully before I shrugged. "I'd be willing to give it a shot."
"Excellent!" she beamed. "I'll see what I can put together for dinner tonight. Until then, shall we get back to work?"
I glanced over at the desk and suddenly realized what Shinano had meant. "Well, that's a relief," I muttered.
Musashi, understandably confused by my seemingly nonsensical reply, leaned in, peering closely at me. "Are you alright, Paul?"
"Yeah, fine…" I absently replied as I continued to ponder Shinano's words. I quickly turned to face her, startling her slightly as I pointed a finger at her. "What did Shinano tell you? I know that I would be in pain, but…what else?"
The kitsune looked mildly embarrassed as her mouth opened, then shut wordlessly, her eyes uncharacteristically looking away for a moment. She would eventually find her voice, however. "She said that you would be in pain…and that I had to let you go through that pain if we…if you were to heal."
There were a few things in that statement that caught my attention, but I wanted to address one thing in particular. "...we?"
Musashi looked somewhat surprised that I'd caught her slip before she smiled and shook her head. "I misspoke," she quickly corrected. "It has been difficult watching you struggle with your pain."
I nodded slowly. While I felt there was more to the story, I didn't want to pry. She'd respected my privacy for so long, it only felt right to do the same for her in return. "I see. And if you knew I had to go through that before I could start healing, then why did you try and spare me that pain?"
Her expression became downright stricken as she answered. "Because I wanted to give Shinano time to find another way. While I haven't had much experience with humans, the memories embedded in my hull are replete with pain and loss and sacrifice. I did not wish to see you hurt more, not if it could have been avoided."
Her compassion touched me, especially the great lengths she seemed willing to go to keep me safe, both physically and emotionally. I wondered if this was the best way to go about it, given how it felt like I'd just had my heart ripped out of my chest. In the end, I concluded that this was perhaps not the best way, but the most expedient. "Thank you, Musashi," I smiled warmly, "I really do appreciate that you're trying to keep me safe, but I think given the choice between this or a solution later on down the line, I prefer this way."
When she fixed me with a quizzical look, I elaborated. "I'm not a fan of having my trauma…forced on me like that, but this was something I needed to face before I could start getting better. And I would rather go through that now instead of carrying around that…poison for who knows how much longer for a less painful resolution. She's taken sixteen years of my life, I don't want to give her one minute more," I spat bitterly.
Musashi smiled proudly for a moment, only to have it vanish a second later, replaced by a piercing, searching look as her golden eyes stared into mine. "But part of you still loves her." It wasn't a question.
And it wasn't wrong. "Yes," I whispered as I stared down at the floor, too ashamed to look her in the eye. "Even after everything she's done, part of me still cares about her."
Her next question shocked me. "If you could go back and change things so she doesn't betray you, to save your marriage, would you?"
As I said, I was surprised by her query, and after giving it some serious thought, I found myself even more shocked by my answer. "No." I let the answer hang in the air before I shook my head slowly and repeated it. "No, I wouldn't. I'd stop her from betraying me to avoid what I'm going through now, but stopping her then wouldn't save the marriage, it would only postpone the inevitable."
"Why?" Her voice was soft and gentle.
"Because," I replied with a shaky breath, "at the end of the day, she was willing to betray me. She was willing to disregard everything, even my own safety, for her own reasons, as well-intentioned as they were. Maybe if I stopped her, yeah, things wouldn't have gone so bad for me, but I'd always know when the chips were down and it was all on the line, I couldn't count on her. And…I think that's what hurts most."
Musashi stayed silent for a long time, and when she could not find the words, she wrapped her arms around me in a fierce, but warm, embrace. I turned to face her and returned the gesture, holding her tightly for several long, comforting minutes. I could have spent an eternity in that embrace, feeling her soft skin against mine. When we finally let go of one another, she smiled at me and gestured to the desk. "I do believe it's time we get back to work if we want to have dinner at a reasonable hour."
I glanced over at the desk and nodded. "Good idea." As we began to settle slowly back into our work routines, I felt like this was a watershed moment between the two of us. There wasn't any one defining thing I could point to and say how it changed, but I could feel it in the air. I could only hope it was for the better.
As the workday began to wrap up, Haguro replaced Musashi so that she could get started on our dinner. While Haguro and I didn't quite have the same synergy that Musashi and I had, we were still able to get everything finished up relatively quickly. With a curt goodbye, we went our separate ways and I headed off toward the officer's galley.
Even if I didn't know where it was, all I had to do was follow the intoxicating aroma wafting down the expansive corridors. Knocking on the hatch combing to avoid startling her, I stepped into the galley and looked around. "You've got quite the setup going on here," I remarked, as I saw the rather large array of ingredients laid out on the countertop. "I had no idea ramen was this complicated."
Musashi glanced over her shoulder and smiled at me. "It can appear complicated at first, but once you understand how it all works, it's relatively straightforward."
"I'll take your word on that," I quipped as I washed my hands. "Where do you need me?"
She gestured to the pair of eggs sitting next to a small pot of water. "If you could place the eggs in the pot so we can get them soft-boiled please and then start chopping the scallions, please."
"Aye-aye," I said as I got to work. Once the eggs were submerged, I turned up the heat and moved over to the scallions. "You know, you never told me what your favorite food is."
"My favorite food?" She glanced up from the pork she was tending to as it simmered away in a dark sauce. "It'd have to be sea bream. Especially freshly-fried sea bream tempura. Truly a wonderful taste not to be missed."
The name rang a bell, but I couldn't recall what it was for the life of me. "I've heard of it, but I don't have any idea what that is. Some kind of seafood, I take it?"
Even without looking over at her, I could hear the proud tone in her voice. "Correct, Commander. It's a whitefish, to be exact. Very delicate flavor and texture."
I didn't recall seeing any fish brought aboard with the latest supply shipment. "Any chance we could bring some aboard?"
There was a pause, and I glanced over at her to see her pondering my question. "It shouldn't be too hard," she finally answered. "Would you like me to share my favorite dish with you?"
"I'd love that," I smiled as I placed the now-chopped scallions in a bowl and set them aside. "We've been working together a while now and I realize that we don't really know much about each other. Part of that's on me, I've been…wrestling with this pain for a while now and I didn't want to open up. But I also know I can't keep everyone at arm's length. I…" I stopped, struggling to admit it aloud, "I trust you. As much as I can trust anyone anymore, and I'd like to know more about you."
"Of course," she said as she began to ladle the noodles and broth into the bowls before she began adding in the other ingredients one at a time. "But only if I may learn more about you."
"Kinda figured that'd be par for the course," I replied as she offered me one of the bowls. I graciously accepted it and we took our meals to the nearby table. Once seated, we both clapped our hands, said, "Itadakimasu!", and tucked in.
The first bite was heavenly. It was warm, savory, and comforting. I didn't realize the Sakura Empire made comfort food like we did back home, but I was certainly grateful for it after the day I'd had. "Oh, this is delicious," I declared, much to Musashi's amusement.
"Your new favorite dish?" she asked with a grin.
I gave it some thought as I took another bite. While it was certainly an excellent meal, I wasn't sure this would be my favorite. "I dunno," I finally answered with a shrug. "I love it, but I'm not sure yet. I feel like I'm going to know what my favorite food is from the first bite, y'know?"
She nodded and took a sip of her tea. "I do. If I may ask, why was steak your favorite?"
The pain in my chest flared up, but only for a moment, and not nearly with the same intensity as before. "I'm from the midwestern part of the Eagle Union," I began, "About as far from the ocean as you can get. So we didn't get seafood all that often, and what we did get, had been frozen for at least a week, so it wasn't that great. But beef, on the other hand, we had a ton of. So every Saturday night, Dad would fire up the grill if the weather was nice, or use the grill pan on the kitchen stove if it wasn't, and make the juiciest, most mouth-watering steaks you'd ever eaten. Melt in your mouth tender. Every time I took a bite of a good steak, it took me back to those Saturday nights." I sighed and slumped forward. "Guess those days are gone now…"
Her hand reached out for mine and squeezed it, prompting me to look up at her. "I'm sorry that isn't there for you anymore, Paul. But I promise, I will help you find new happy memories."
"I know you will," I smiled softly. "Sorry I'm being such a downer."
Musashi would hear none of that. "No apology necessary," she emphatically shook her head. "This isn't something you can get over in a day. I'm just happy to see you smiling, genuinely smiling, more and more. I think I'm seeing the real you more and more."
I felt a sudden warmth rush to my cheeks and I glanced down at the table. "Thanks. It's nice to feel like the old me a bit more often."
Her hand gave mine one more squeeze before it slid back across the table. "Now, for tomorrow, did you want to resume your morning workouts?"
As we settled into our normal conversation, I felt more and more at ease. Perhaps tonight I'd even get a decent night's sleep…
A/N-Whew! Glad that's all over. I'm sure this will never come back to haunt us again, no sir… Until next time, fair winds and following seas!
