Since I was a kid, I've always equated safety with height. When I was growing up, we had a big oak tree in our backyard, and when I was seven, my dad built me a treehouse for it. I loved that treehouse. It was my own little sanctuary from the world. If I had a rough day at school, or if I'd gotten into an argument with my parents, or if I just wanted to be alone I could climb up into the treehouse, pull up the rope ladder, and feel safe and secure.
And so when I fled, looking for a safe place to hide, I started climbing. And I climbed as high as I could go until I reached the highest point I could safely reach on the Musashi, the air defense station atop the bridge. But staring up at the moonlit sky, I didn't feel safe at all.
I felt lost, I felt broken, I felt disgusted. In a moment of weakness, I lashed out and hurt someone I deeply cared for. Someone who cared for me. The fear in her eyes gutted me. The simple fact that I had frightened her was bad enough, would have been more than enough to crush my heart, but in those eyes, I also saw the death of my future. After all, how could I shelter in the arms of someone who was afraid of me?
With only one path left, I knew what fate awaited me. I would go back home once the last cultists were rounded up, I would do my job as best I could while keeping everyone at arm's length, and once I'd done my duty…well, the world wouldn't need me anymore, would it?
Perhaps I'd get lucky and die in battle, go out in some glorious last stand, but judging by Shinano's words, I had only two paths available, and I just destroyed one of them. I sighed as I sat against the fire control director, wanting so desperately to cry, but I found I had no tears left to shed. At least Musashi had stopped calling out for me a while ago. I guessed she'd given up and gone to bed, but I shouldn't have been so quick to underestimate her.
In a rare occurrence, I heard her coming rather than felt her, the distinctive sounds of her geta on the metal steps of the ladder ringing out in the cool night air. The panic started rising within me again and I felt like a cornered animal as I looked for another way out. "Nonononononono…" I urgently whispered as I searched for some way to get down without passing by her, but there would be no way to get around Musashi once she came up the ladder. Out of options, I backed up against the wind deflector as if that would somehow save me. The shame and humiliation still overwhelmed me, and I still couldn't bare to face her after what I'd done. "Go away!" I shouted, trying to stave her off for a little longer. "Just s-stay away!"
"Paul?" Her worried voice came back. "Paul, are you okay?"
She was worried about me? After what I'd done? I didn't know how to answer her, torn between telling her to go away again or telling her the truth. After a few moments of silence, Musashi came around the corner, ducking under the fire control director. The moment she saw me, she froze, then slowly held up her hand. "Paul," she softly began, "Just want to talk. I want to make sure you're alright."
"Me?" I asked incredulously, "What about you?"
"I'll be okay," she reassured me as she took a few tentative steps towards me. "Right now, I'm worried about you." I took a sudden half-step back, trying to keep distance between us and she immediately froze. "I just want to speak with you. Is it okay if I sit down? You don't have to sit next to me, you can sit where you are or stay standing."
At this point, I realized this confrontation was unavoidable, so I simply nodded before slumping against the wall as I slid down it. Musashi likewise sat down, her legs crossed, as she peered at me in the moonlight. After several tense seconds, she repeated, "Are you okay?"
"No," I whispered as I shook my head. "How can I be okay after what I did to you?"
Her voice was soft and soothing. "You didn't mean to. You thought I was Rose." There was a pause, and I felt she wanted to say something else. Musashi was smart, she must have put it together, but she was afraid to ask. Still, she asked. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to," she prefaced, "But…when they kidnapped you, did she…?" Her voice trailed off, not comfortable saying it out loud.
I tried to compartmentalize as best I could before I answered. I didn't want to have another flashback or…whatever that was. After taking a minute to try and box up my emotions as best I could, I finally answered.
"She tried," I stated flatly. "When they…when they failed to convince me to join their cause, some of them opted to just kill me. Rose stepped in, said she could still get me to see their point of view…she…uh…" My voice began to waver and my eyes began to well up as my feelings began to overwhelm my defenses, threatening to break loose again. "She thought…she could seduce me." My words came faster now, tumbling out of me as I tried to outrun the avalanche of grief that was sure to follow. "I told her no, but they had me tied to the chair and she straddled me and I tried to fight back and…and…and I couldn't stop her and oh god, I'm so sorry!" I completely broke down, the tears flowing down my cheeks as my body was wracked with sobs.
As ever, Musashi was by my side in an instant, wrapping me up in her loving, reassuring embrace as I wept uncontrollably. She just held me tightly, whispering reassurances into my ear that everything would be okay.
"I tried to say something, to move," I wailed, "but it was like I was paralyzed until I…I…and you…I never meant to hurt you." Eventually, the tears dried up, and I took a deep, shuddering breath before I declared, "You deserve better than…whatever's left of me."
She broke the embrace and pulled back to look me in the eye. Her answer was hard and resolute. "Do not say that."
"But you do," I protested as I wiped the last few tears from my eyes. "I'm broken, and I'll probably always be broken. What do you see in me that makes that so damn appealing, huh?"
Musashi stared into my eyes for several seconds before she sighed and sat beside me. "I will admit, when I first extended the offer, it was for both political reasons as well as several other…ulterior motives. Obviously, having the Commander of Azur Lane would help bolster our reputation among the other Crimson Axis nations, and as I have said before, Shinano had been making inquiries about you for months. What better way for her to know you better than to put you in the same room together?
"But once you came aboard, I could see you were carrying the burden of what happened, the scars still fresh. You were like a wounded animal, snarling and snapping at everything, but underneath the pain, I saw something in you." She paused a moment. "Tell me, have you ever heard of kintsugi?"
I numbly shook my head, unsure where she was going with this.
"It is an ancient Sakura way to repair pottery. When a cup, dish, or bowl is broken, it is mended together with gold, to show that even something broken can still be beautiful." She reached out with her hand and placed it on my chest. "While I do not know if you can ever be who you were, I do know that who you now still has worth, is still worthy of being loved, and still worthy of finding happiness and some measure of peace."
After everything I'd been through, emotionally drained, exhausted, well and truly broken, Musashi's words were like a lighthouse in a storm, a beacon of safety and security. I finally managed to look her in the eyes, and when I saw the forgiveness, warmth, and love in those golden orbs, I couldn't hold back any longer. "Musashi…" I exhaled as I reached out to her.
Wordlessly, she took me into her arms and we held each other tightly for what seemed like forever. No words were spoken, none were needed, just the two of us, holding on to one another. I cannot begin to describe just how good it felt to hold someone in my arms again, to feel someone holding me, without worry, without fear, without reservation. To simply be with someone. Tragically, the bare metal walls and floor of Musashi's superstructure did not a pleasant bed make, so we eventually had to separate to stretch our limbs and get comfortable once again.
Musashi watched me intently with, a hopeful, soft smile on her face. "Feeling better now?"
I replied with a smile of my own, albeit a much shakier one. "I am," I admitted, "Although…I'm still worried about things."
Immediately, she scooted next to me, her arm reassuringly draped across my shoulders. "Such as?"
I felt a sudden flash of embarrassment as I realized I might have been thinking a bit too far ahead, and a blush crept across my cheeks. "I, uh, maybe a bit presumptuous now that I think about it, but…I'm…I'm worried that the next time we get, or even try to get, ah…intimate, that I'm going to freak out again and have another flashback."
"We'll take it slow next time, I promise," she soothed. "We'll go slow, and I'll make sure you're comfortable every step of the way. Do you know why you had that flashback tonight?"
I nodded slowly, feeling my heart rate quicken as I thought back to earlier. The powerlessness, the feeling of being utterly helpless-
"Paul, it's okay," Musashi's voice snapped me back to reality, and I glanced over to see her smiling softly at me. "I'm here."
Her words, her smile, helped bring me back to the much more pleasant present and I smiled gratefully back at her and nodded. "Thank you," I whispered. "I think part of it was the way we were positioned. When Rose…when she…I was tied to a chair and she…she straddled me. So my mind went back to that moment of being scared, sitting in a chair, with a woman straddling me."
Musashi nodded slowly. "That makes sense. So we'll avoid those in future, take it slow, and keep you relaxed."
I shot her a rueful grin. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm always going to be scared, or at least nervous, for our first time. You're going to be the second woman I've ever been with."
And with a mischievous smile on her lips and a twinkle in her eyes, she dropped her own bombshell. "And you'll be my first."
"Oh." To say I was surprised by this admission would be a massive understatement. "So no pressure."
She giggled and gave me a reassuring squeeze. "No pressure. Like I said, we'll take things slow and at your pace. When you're ready."
"And if I keep freaking out?"
"Then we'll keep trying it different ways until we find one that works," she answered, and I felt somewhat buoyed by her confidence.
I nodded slowly and let out a deep breath. "Alright, alright." I looked up at the silvery moon as it hung there in the starry sky and braced myself for the question I was about to ask. While I was certain of the answer, I still found my stomach to be full of butterflies as I turned back to face Musashi. "So…we're gonna give this a shot?"
The beautiful kitsune smiled, shook her head, and simply said, "No." Just as I was about to give in to dismay again, she added, "We're going to make this work."
My smile was so broad it started to hurt my face as I let out a sigh of relief. Maybe it was her confidence, maybe it was her forgiveness, maybe it was something deep inside myself, but I began to believe that we could pull this off. "Alright," I nodded. "We'll make it work."
"That's the spirit," Musashi beamed before she shifted slightly and grimaced. "But first, I think some rest is needed in proper beds."
I chuckled and shakily got to my feet before helping her up. "I agree. This is a beautiful view, but it's not the most comfortable."
While I'm sure we both would've liked to walk downstairs arm-in-arm or holding hands, anyone who's ever been on a warship will tell you ladders are barely conducive to one person going up or down it, let alone two. So I took the lead and Musashi followed until we got down to the main deck, where we would go our separate ways as our quarters were on opposite sides of the ship. I stopped at the hatch that would lead me down to my room and turned to face Musashi, taking her hands in mine. "I'm sorry abou-"
"Hush," she swiftly silenced me with a stern shake of her head. "You've apologized enough for one night. Get some rest, and we will begin anew tomorrow."
I couldn't help but smile at just how wonderful this woman was. "Yes, ma'am," I grinned. "Good night, Musashi."
"Good night, Paul."
The next morning I awoke slightly sore but with a renewed sense of purpose. I'd been given a second chance and I wasn't about to squander it. But how to kick this off? It's hard to perform grand romantic gestures when you're anchored in a lagoon in the middle of the ocean and the only way to get around is the person you're trying to surprise. I mean, I could have theoretically snuck off with Shinano or Haguro, but I got the feeling if I was gone for too long, she'd cotton on to my absence, and then there'd be hell to pay. No, I had to make do with what I had on hand.
Or did I?
As I buttoned up my shirt, I quickly headed for the door and cracked it open. Sure enough, Haguro was there waiting patiently for me. I looked past her, listened intently, and felt for Musashi's presence. When I was certain everything was all clear, I stage whispered to the cruiser. "Pssst."
Haguro slowly turned, saw my head poking out of the door, and gave me a look that suggested I'd taken an extended leave of my senses. "Uh…you okay, Commander?"
"Never better!" I smiled briefly. "You got a second? I may need you for…something."
Her eyebrows furrowed and her look of concern intensified. "Sure…but you try anything funny and you're losing something permanent."
I laughed as I opened the door wide and ushered her inside. "Nothing untoward or lewd, I promise. I just need to ask you a few questions. Along with asking for a favor. Or two."
She side-eyed me as she walked in and I shut the door behind her. "Okaaaaaaaay," she said slowly. "Go ahead and ask."
"What does Musashi like to do in her spare time?"
"What?"
"What does she like to do to unwind? How does she spend her time off? Does she read, compose poems, dance, what?"
At this point, Haguro seemed completely lost. "She, uh…she likes foot baths, says they clear her head."
Now it was my turn to be confused. "Foot baths? Never heard of them."
"It's uh…it's kinda like a hot spring, but just for your feet. Soak your feet in hot mineral water to help relax." She shrugged helplessly. "Not my thing, but…whatever. Why are you even asking?"
"I'm planning something," I answered cryptically, not explaining further even after she gave me a quizzical look. "Next question, do we have sea bream on board?"
Her jaw practically hit the floor, only for her to quickly pick it back up as she crossed her arms across her chest. "Commander, whatever you and Shinano are doing, it's not funny," she glowered.
"What are you talking about? What's Shinano even got to do with this?"
She raised her eyebrow and her glower went to a full-on scowl. "Oh, so you have no idea, huh?"
At this point, I was completely lost. "No idea about what?"
I met her simmering gaze and after a few seconds, she eased up. "You haven't spoken with Shinano at all today?"
"No!" I protested. "I've been asleep since last night!"
She stared at me for a few more seconds before she finally relented. "If you guys didn't plan this out it's the weirdest coincidence I've seen in a long time. She showed up this morning with two electric foot baths, salts, and a ton of sea bream, said you'd know about it."
"That's impossible, there's no way I-" It suddenly clicked and I let out a quiet groan. "Oh, goddammit. Shinano's dreamed this."
Haguro let out a quiet, "Ohhh…now I get it."
"She tell you anything else? Or hand over?" I grumbled.
She emphatically shook her head. "Nope, she said you'd ask me that, though."
"Of course she did." I sighed and shook my head slowly. Well, at least Shinano was helping me out. "Next favor-I need you to run interference for me. At five thirty this afternoon, I want you to come into the office and tell me there's an urgent message from Admiral Clark. That way she won't be suspicious when I step out of the office, and she won't follow me, either."
"Easy enough," she nodded. "Anything else."
"Yes."
A few minutes later, we both left my quarters, shared a knowing nod, and went our separate ways. Haguro went to go store the sea bream in the junior officer's galley so Musashi wouldn't stumble on them during breakfast and I went to the senior officer's galley to meet with Musashi for our usual breakfast. My heart beat faster and faster with every step, a strange mix of excitement and fear swirling within me. After last night, things were going to be different between us. But different how? Would what I did hang over us like a cloud, throwing shade on everything we said and did? Or would this be an exciting new chapter of our lives?
As I approached the galley, I could feel her reassuring, welcoming presence, and I took a deep breath and stepped inside. She hadn't yet noticed me, and I suddenly realized I had no idea how I should greet her. Perhaps it was best to keep it professional for now, or something warmer, or perhaps playful and flirtatious befitting of our new couple status? I found myself woefully inexperienced and out of my depths. Sure, marrying your high school sweetheart sounds wonderful and romantic, but it leaves you painfully lacking in terms of relationship experience.
In the end, I decided to clear my throat and begin with a pleasant, but neutral, "Good morning."
Musashi turned to face me, her eyes lighting up as soon as she saw me. "Good morning," she smiled warmly. As soon as I saw that happy expression on her face, I immediately relaxed. I knew where we stood and I knew that what happened last night would be water under the bridge. "Did you sleep well?"
"Yeah, lights out as soon as my head hit the pillow," I smiled back. "Think I was too exhausted for anything else."
"Good." Musashi paused as she reached out and took my hands in hers. "Paul, there's something I want to do, I've wanted to do since last night, but I don't want to surprise you or cause any sort of distress."
I swallowed the lump in my throat as my heartbeat quickened, pounding out a drumbeat that almost drowned out all other sounds. "Uh…w-what is it?"
"May I kiss you?"
My heart rate doubled. "Oh! Y-yeah, I think I-I'll be okay…" I softly answered. Musashi smiled again and she drew in close for the kiss. I closed my eyes as I moved to meet her, a thousand questions running through my mind. Would this trigger another episode? What would she feel like? Am I going to compare her to Rose? Then our lips met.
Any questions, concerns, and fears, all faded away. There was no Rose, no Siren threat, no fleets to command, or paperwork to fill out. There was only Musashi. As our kiss deepened, my arms wrapped around her, holding onto her in a fierce, passionate embrace. I needed this woman just as much as I needed oxygen in my lungs and judging by the way she was holding me tightly, she needed me, too.
When our lungs burned, desperate for air, we finally relented and parted, both gasping, both red-faced, and both of us with the biggest grins on our faces. Whatever awkward barrier had been between us, that kiss had just shattered it completely. "Definitely okay," I gasped.
"Are you sure?" Musashi playfully queried. "Maybe one more, just to be certain…"
She pulled me in for another kiss, and while this one wasn't the transformative, mind-blowing experience of the first, it was still deep, passionate, and damn good. When we broke again, she gave me a playful grin and declared, "I think so, but we should test throughout the day."
"Yes, ma'am," I grinned back at her as she slowly disentangled herself from my grasp.
"But for now, let's get back to breakfast before something burns…"
That snapped me back to reality fairly quickly and I nodded in agreement as we got back to breakfast. Despite the routine nature, we both could tell something had changed. Something, I hope, for the better…
A/N-Whew, glad that ended well. Could've been a real downer ending there! But worry not. I have promised the fluff, and the fluff I shall deliver. As Alton Brown says, "Your patience will be rewarded." Until next time, fair winds and following seas!
