Volume 5

(Eshiko Sugata's Opening Monologue)

Hello again, everyone. Sugata Eshiko at your service.

Has anyone heard of wrestling? Three are THREE known variations:
1. Regular: Regular wrestling the traditional way where two opponents try to pin the other down.
2. Sumo: Originating from Japan since the 1100s, sumo wrestling is where two extremely fat opponents try to knock each other out of the ring.
3. Professional: Professional wrestling is NOT real, it's more of a performance art where a bunch of people pretend to perform bone-crunching techniques and even hit each other with stuff like chairs, all for the effort of entertainment.

(End of Opening Monologue)


It was another night for the yearly festival at the Satsukitane shrine; Tomoko, Icarus, Sora, Sugata, and now Nymph walked through the festival grounds, passing many stalls. "Wow! There's a lot more people here than LAST time!" admired Sora.

All of a sudden, Nymph stopped as he saw a caramel apple stand. "Hmm, I wonder if I should buy something for her." But he instead caught up to the others.

"That reminds me," asked Sora, "where's Prez?"

"Makoto said he might be late," explained Sora. "He said he's busy putting together a certain event of some sorts."

"WHAT event?" asked Tomoko.

"Behind you."

Tomoko, Icarus, and Sora turned to the stand right behind them, only for all of them to chibitize (in fear for Tomoko and Sora); Tomoko read the sign on top: "'Judas'? W-Why does that sound f-f-familiar?"

"'Sup, yo?" All of a sudden, Makoto came out from behind the stand. "I set up an event with..." Behind him...was none other than...

"JUDAS?! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Terrified, Tomoko fled from Judas as fast as she—

*SNATCH*

Judas suddenly grabbed Tomoko by the back of her kimono dress. "How rude," Judas whispered in a scary voice.

"Relax, Sakurai-chan, da festival wouldn't allow him ta have any more gunfights after I discovered Judas bought REAL guns and REAL bullets...as fun as dat was last year," the yakuza gangsta giggled, causing Tomoko to calm down. "You c," he continued, "festivals are meant to celebrate our Gods. So...I thought of somethin' that would b more honorable: American Sumo!"

"'American Sumo'?" exclaimed the modernized Sora.

"Well, in America, it's called 'Professional Wrestling'!" explained Makoto. "You c, unlike traditional sumo, wrestling is when two guys get in a square boxing ring and do lotsa crazy shit, like...throwing each other in de air, breaking their bones, and hitting dem with chairs...ALL for entertainment."

"Oh, HELL no! I'm outta here!" With a cruciform over her head and tears streaming down her eyes in fear, Tomoko broke free from Judas and angrily began storming off. "NOTHING WILL GET ME INTO WRESTLING!"

"Not even ¥1 million? Or a hi-def HDTV? Or a chance ta bathe with the Satsukitane's Geishas? Or a chance ta learn how ta perform happy ending massages?"

Tomoko halted at the last offer...


(Tomoko's Fantasy)

Tomoko was massaging a young man on a masseur table; Tomoko was currently focusing on the man's legs...before going up inch...by inch...by inch...until she began to reach under his towel...

(End of Fantasy)


"As a fine clown once said: 'wait'll they get a load of ME'!" Tomoko thought as she secretly pulled out a pair of non-exploded briefs (from Chapter 7).


"MATCH #1!" yelled the announcer at the indoor wrestling arena. "In THIS corner...the psychedelic male Madonna: Makoru-kun!"

Makoru made his way into the ring; Makoru wore orange spandex and gloves.

"And in THIS corner..." continued the announcer, "...the brief-wearing chick from Hell: Mask DuPants!"

Tomoko stepped into the ring, wearing men's briefs as her mask; this mere appearance made all the woman nosebleed and men cower in fear.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome da ad first singles match of da Satsukitane American Sumo Tournament!" announced the host: Makoto Satsukitane.

"And HERE is your announcer, mathematics teacher Takehara, along with commentary from Sugata Eshiko, as well as Nymph as a guest!"

"Hey, does sumo taste good?" asked Nymph.

"I'm sure you people already know, but THIS is obviously professional wrestling," said Sugata.

"No, yo. It's American sumo!" contradicted the yazuka gangsta.

"It looks like Sora will be refereeing for this match," said Takehara. "Guess he doesn't wanna accidentally KILL anyone with his deadly chop."

*BONG*

"So, Sugata-sama, who do YOU think will win the first match?" asked Takehara.

"From what I've read up," said Sugata. "Makoru was a member of the school's American Wrestling Club."

"Is 'American Wrestling' sweet?" asked Nymph curiously.

Makoru pulled out a crazy tackle, knocking DuPants against the ropes, then ended with a body slam; Makoru pinned DuPants with his entire body as Sora came in to start the countdown. "1...2—"

"AHHH! WHAT THE HELL?!" Suddenly, Makoru held his body up as DuPants grabbed and fondled his ass. "STOP! PLEASE! I GIVE!"

DuPants won the first match, but just as she began to leave the ring...

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"YOU'RE SICK!"

"PERVERT!"

All the men started throwing things at DuPants for her dirty victory.


"MATCH #2: Icarus vs. the Takoyaki man!" yelled Takehara.

Ikaros stood in one corner, wearing a white jumpsuit, while the Takoyaki man wore a brown wrestling speedo with yellow trim and an octopus over the front.

*BONG*

"THAT PRIZE IS MINE!" The Takoyaki man charged at his opponent with all his—

*SMACK*

Chibitizing, Icarus repeatedly smacked his opponent into the ground.

*SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK*

"KNOCK IT OFF!" DuPants angrily pulled Icarus out of the ring. "DON'T JUST GO OVERBOARD, YOU IDIOT!"

"As you wish..."

"And DON'T JUST SAY 'AS YOU WISH'!"


"MATCH #3: Makoto vs. S—AAHHHHHHH!" yelled Takehara.

Immediately, Makoto was seen grasping Sugata's glasses-wearing head in the air with his Iron Claw attack; for his part, Makoto wore a red wresting-speedo with black and red gloves and red boots.

"Hmm hmm hmm hmm!" Makoto tossed Sugata's unconscious, defeated body to the ground and brushed his hands in victory.

"Aw, man," whispered DuPants from around a corner. "That punk is probably gonna be one tough opponent, but NOTHING is gonna stop me from winning!"


Each battle went on until only two contestants remained...


"FINAL MATCH!" yelled Takehara. "DuPants vs. Makoto!"

"KILLTHAT SICK BITCH!" screamed the men.

"SHOW THE DUDE WHAT YOU'VE GOT!" screamed the women.

The two opponents glared at each other; Makoto wore a gangsta-like Kangol Crushed Velvet Rap Bucket hat on his head. "Let's spice things up a bit, yo!"

*SNAP*

Snapping his fingers, a ginormous cage lowered around the arena.

"Uh, Prez, w-what is THIS?" asked referee Sora timidly.

"Allow me ta SHOW yo hoe ass!" Makoto tossed his hat at the fence.

*ZAP*

The hat suddenly disintegrated into ashes upon hitting the fence. "If YOU can play dirty, then so can I! We'll be fighting in a steel-cage death match, homie!"

*BONG*

And so, as the match begun, the two opponents circled the ring, anticipating the other to make a move.

"AARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" DuPants charged at—

*CLUTCH*

Makoto quickly caught DuPants by the head, holding her in his Iron Claw. "So, boys, does anyone wanna see dis little slut be fried ta death?" Makoto called out to the audience.

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" cried DuPants in fear.

"YES!" cried the embarrassed boys.

"Tuff loss, Sakurai-chan," Makoto chuckled. "It's been nice—WHAT THE...?!"

DuPants was no longer in the yakuza gangsta's death grip. Instead, she was standing with sesame oil all over her body, along with a bottle of it in her left hand. "I've come prepared, Prez," DuPants snickered, "now it's MY turn!"

*SWIPE* *SWIPE* *SWIPE* *SWIPE* *SWIPE* *SWIPE* *SWIPE* *SWIPE* *SWIPE*

Tomoko struck at Makoto's chest, forcing the yakuza gangsta to step back and—

*SLIP*

"WAH!" Makoto slipped on some sesame oil.

*RIP*

Seeing this opportunity, DuPants grabbed Makoto's speedo and RIPPED it off, exposing the yakuza gangsta's entire body to everyone.

"Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!" DuPants laughed. "Ready to surrender?" The perverted wrestling crept inch-by-inch to her defenseless opponent.

"Goddammit, Sakurai-chan!" Makoto desperately backed himself into a corner of the ring while hiding his crotch. "Don't'cha think yer goin' a little TOO far?"

"Looks like it's over for Satsukitane!" announced Takehara.

"Hold on a sec, where's the referee?" asked Sugata suddenly; she was right, Sora, the referee, was nowhere to be—

"Up there," said Icarus who sat right next to Sugata.

Everyone looked up and saw someone standing on top of the lights. There stood a young man who appeared to wear the attire of Brad Maddox, along with an iron mask and some sort of "Doom" aura emitting from his body.

"Oh?! What's THIS, ladies and gentlemen? It looks like somebody's about to enter the arena!" announced Takehara.

"Heh, joke's on YOU," laughed DuPants. "You can't get into the electrical fence."

*CHOP*

But the masked warrior easily chopped through the and...

*BAM*

...body slammed the perverted female wrestler. Then he tossed DuPants against the electrical fence.

*ZAP*

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" DuPants got electrocuted.

*CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP* *CHOP*

The masked wrestler brutally chopped DuPants against the fence, then grabbed her body to perform a fatal backbreaker...

*CRACK*

"What is THIS?!" asked Takehara, who observed DuPants' broken body along with the rest of the audience. "It looks like DuPants' body has been bent into a weird angle—WHAT'S THIS?!"

All of a sudden, DuPants slowly got onto her feet and raised her right arm into the air.

"I DO NOT believe it!" gasped Takehara. "Even after that brutal beatdown, DuPants is still standing?!"

Taking the role of the referee, Sugata stepped into the ring to hold up the arm of the champion.

*BONG* *BONG* *BONG* *BONG* *BONG* *BONG* *BONG* *BONG*

"Sugata! You're raising the arm of the mysterious wrestler? WHY?!"

"Because..." explained Sugata, "...DuPants…...has died..."

The entire audience looked on in shock and devastation as DuPants' lifeless body stood in the arena...motionless...


"Never mind," said Sugata sometime later. "It looks like Tomoko managed to live through it after all."

All of the audience and other wrestlers have left, leaving Sugata, Icarus, Nymph, Sora, Makoto, and a completely bandaged Tomoko as the only ones remaining.

"So, Makoto, who was the winner?" asked Sugata.

"Didn't that masked wrestler beat Tomoko?" asked Sora.

"You mean YOU?" asked Makoto.

"What?! Me? No!"

"Well, unfortunately, it was me and Sakurai-chan before dat other dopehead crashed da battle. And since Tomoko nearly had me beaten and pushed into da corner...I guess that means SHE iz da winna!"

"REALLY?!" Tomoko gasped as she broke out of her bandages and magically healed. "That means—"

"But FIRST..."

The next thing she knew, Tomoko was in the arena, face-to-face with Judas...

"...you'll have to beat the Champion: Judas!" concluded Makoto. "Good luck, yo! FIGHT!"

As the match began, Judas withdrew his pistols.

*BANG* *BANG*

"Man of Judas WINS!" Makoto held up the winner's arm.

On the other hand, Tomoko laid on the ground with smoke coming from her body. "I...NEVER...want to play with that psycho again...as long as I live..."

End


(Post-Ending Scene)

The next day, Sora was busy with the laundry and humming a song. He reached into the basket and pulled out an iron mask to hand on the rack.