Later, after the master was done with him, Akaza would have a very hard time piecing together everything that happened in the aftermath of his betrayal.

Truth be told, in the forest that morning, Akaza was not very optimistic that he would be allowed to live after telling Tomika to run, and while he was not okay with that on any level, was in fact sickened by such a breach in his own self interest, there was an alien part of him that suspected he deserved it. That perhaps it might be time for him to die.

But the master had other plans. And as the nightmare of his punishment unfolded, Akaza realized he wasn't surprised–the master had always been a sadist.

Akaza found himself locked in a cage–well, pieces of him were locked in several cages, but he lost track of them as time wore on–some pieces of him felt like they were on fire, while others burned with punishing cold, and still others felt a panicked claustrophobia, trapped in suffocating confinement.

It was all rather exhausting, and if Akaza was being honest, as much as the physical agonies that rained upon him were terrible, in some ways, they were predictable.

Far more troubling were the experiences of the part of him that housed his mind. He found himself in a vortex of broken memories and conversations and feelings that he had forgotten (or wanted to forget?) and also did not understand, and while he had a creeping suspicion that there was something–some truth that was eluding him, that was in fact being held just barely beyond his grasp–it slipped through his fingers like sand and he was unable to fully perceive it. And so he was left lost and plummeting, through what he did not know.

A young woman stood near the edge of a balcony overlooking a small town on a clear night that was warm and peaceful, a sweet scent thick on the gentle breeze. It picked up strands of her hair that had come free from her snowflake hairpin, and Akaza reached up his hand tentatively to sweep it lightly back from her cheek–

no don't touch her don't look at her don't think about her!

–and it was an intimate gesture, perhaps a step too far, but they were alone and soon to be married. She smiled at up at him, her cheeks blushing prettily, and he felt liquid warmth spread through his chest, the sensation continuing until it seemed to fill his entire body.

(become a demon with me! we can fight forever!)

She was beautiful–the woman who was to be his bride–which was nice, but more pressing was the deep affection and respect he felt for her. They had known one another for a while now, had in fact nearly grown up together–

grown up?

–and there was no one else in the world who he felt closer to.

~~~closer than me? closer than the very cells in your body? who is closer to you than me?~~~

"When do you think they will begin, Hakuji-san?" she asked, her gaze settling on him softly, and he felt his mouth curve into a smile, even as the name Hakuji echoed in his mind, erratic, dissonant, making Akaza feel dizzy and ill.

"Not long now, Koyuki-san."

don't say her name. never say her name!

His voice sounded strange to his own ears, but it was as if the words held magic, and there was a sudden boom followed by an explosion of light overhead. It startled his beautiful friend, and she jumped toward him, her hand landing on his arm. Her eyes were wide as she laughed at herself, and the sound of it was the ringing of wind chimes in an easy breeze. He got distracted by her eyelashes—the soft sweep of them as her eyes squinted–and she leaned toward him to share an intimate giggle. Her hand was still on his arm, and she squeezed him lightly, staying there as she looked up into the sky. Her face held such joy and wonder as the night sky lit up again and again with color, seeming as though it bloomed with flowers made of light. One particularly large explosion left the impression of a gigantic blue flower, the sparks raining down, down, down. One landed on his love's head.

~~~whoops~~~

She dropped like a stone, her laughter cut off and her grip on his arm vanishing, leaving him cold.

He fell to his knees and pulled her up into his arms, turning her to him so that he could ask, "What can I do? How can I help?"

~~~you are not made for helping–you are an instrument~~~

Her face was changed, deathly white, eyes rolled up into her head. Her tongue was swollen and dark fluid leaked from her mouth. There was a reeking scent of death, the kind that meant that several days had passed, and then before his eyes she began to decay. Her eyes sank deeper into her skull, lips curling back to expose her teeth, her hair thinning and falling out as her flesh darkened and shriveled and stretched thin over her cheekbones. Akaza, who was no stranger to death, who had in fact been a merchant of death for some time, felt panic building inside of him, but as her putrefaction turned to desiccation he found he could not move or breathe or tear his eyes away.

And then she turned to dust and blew away in the sweetly scented night breeze, as fireworks continued to explode over his head.

He blinked.

Akaza was standing in a dojo, and a man was standing in front of him with his back turned. He was speaking, but Akaza could not hear him. Akaza was compelled by something to approach the man, and he circled around to face him.

no this is…who is this? Keizo-san?! run! RUN!

"Hakuji, where have you be–" The man's voice was cut off by the stunning blow Akaza delivered to his chest with his fist, which moved of its own accord.

~~~ do you see what I mean? an instrument, a pawn, nothing but an extension of me to do my bidding out in the world as I see fit~~~

The man stumbled back, and Akaza chased him, closing the distance as he pulled up a knee and drove his foot up, delivering a front kick to his chin that sent the man flying onto his back. The man possessed talent, so he was able to rally and right himself quickly, narrowly missing a heel stomp to his head that might have killed him.

"Hakuji! Stop this, now! What has gotten into you?" the man asked with a beeseeching tone.

~~~me! you are nothing without me~~~

Akaza kept coming, compelled to attack and unable to answer, even as he tried with everything he had to slow his advance. But it was no use, he was a puppet on strings, and merciless in his assault, landing terrible blows on the man, who was beginning to falter.

"Hakuji, I–"

But Akaza had feigned to the right to draw the man's defensive maneuvering, and then spun left, hooking his opponent's arm as he moved, and, pining it behind him, bending him forward, his arm held in a lock that was nearly inescapable. The man drew breath as if to speak, but then Akaza pulled and ripped his arm up and out of joint, twisting it as though he was dismembering a chicken, and the arm popped from from its socket allowing Akaza to wrench it free, muscle and flesh rending and separating with a spray of blood.

The man fell to his knees as blood poured from the wound. He was gasping and making a terrible sound, caught somewhere between a cry and a scream.

And all Akaza could do was stand there holding the man's dismembered arm ( Keizo-san's arm! Akaza mentally shook himself), and watch him as he bled out.

"But you are to be a protector… your name… the kanji… why?" the man wheezed, his life's blood beginning to slow, and he slumped, catching himself with this other hand, moments away from collapsing fully.

~~~because you can. it is as simple as that. that is the way of the world–the strong defeat the weak again and again~~~

Akaza could not speak, but he was made to stand and watch. He knew it was Keizo-san but his mind kept skipping over his name again and again. The memories were rushing at him now, and he hated it–hated it as all of what this man had been to him buffeted him like a storm.

He'd saved Akaza, he'd taken him in when all felt lost, he'd given him purpose, and he'd been the father of the woman who was to be Akaza's bride.

And then the man ( Keizo-san! ) finally fell forward and died in a pool of his own blood.

He blinked again.

Akaza was kneeling on a tatami mat in a familiar old room. There was a sour smell and a heaviness to the air, as if the windows were being kept closed to keep out a draft.

"Useless," his father wheezed. "You are a pitiful useless child."

his father?

Akaza turned to see a person (who might have been his father… yes, who was his father!) lying prone on a futon in the middle of the room. There were stains surrounding his futon on the tatami mat where he had gotten sick. Akaza leaned closer in order to see him more clearly and suddenly recognized the face he had not seen in more than a century, and the sense of loss was crushing–

was this real?

– and he missed him and longed for him and wished they'd had more time, that his father had not…that he did not ….

"You left me here to die-you did nothing-I suffered and suffered and you were gone, living your life while I died," his father snapped, a terrible acrid stench coming from his body.

he never said that, did he?

"Father," Akaza said, the word foreign on his tongue, and again, he did not recognize the sound of his own voice–it was quiet and serious and very, very human. "I have been trying everything I can, please, I am breaking myself to try to save you."

was it true?

"No, you are useless-a terrible son... I cannot bear the sight of you-you are awful. Go away, never come back."

Akaza threw himself forward, pressing his forehead to the ground.

"This isn't like you father! I know this isn't what it was like! You would never have said these things!"

would he?

"But I thought these things! I thought about them all the time, and I especially thought about it on that day, on the last day!" his father cried, his voice booming and reverberating in a way that was not possible for a human.

And then Akaza began to weep–

so strange, what is this coming from my eyes? why does my chest ache? and my throat is tight and hurts. what is happening?

He blinked.

A crossroads. That was where he was. There was a bloodbath in his very recent past, he was still sticky with it, a tacky sensation between his fingers. A rabid form of vengeance beat a rhythm in his heart.

what have I done?

A dark figure was in the road before him. And he knew him, intimately–

in his very cells

–and he promised Akaza such a life! It was all in his head all at once, not words spoken aloud, but simply understood–"You will be the strongest! You will never grow old or frail, you will never tire of fighting. You will become the best of my legions."

~~~and you did—you were—for a time, but now you are a disgrace~~~

The allure of the promises were captivating, and it was true, Akaza wanted it… wanted to be the strongest, wanted to reign hurt down upon them all. He wished he could make them live again, just so he could tear them apart. And his grief was agony–there was rage and agony but also surrender… a desire to not care anymore. That was all quite true.

But.

But, in those brief moments just before the unholy endowment, (indeed as the master's dark fingers had already pressed into his skull) he felt a clench in his heart and his mind flashed on the image of his people, they were obscured by shadow, but they were there, and his commitment to this seductive path faltered. Keizo-san. His father. And Koyuki, his dearest love.

~~~you have never, ever loved~~~

A lie.

Even Akaza–who felt lost and bewildered, who had no idea what was happening or if any of this was real–knew in the marrow of his bones that this was a lie and it hurt.

But in that fateful moment, when perhaps it was too late for him no matter what, he recalled rejecting the offer of eternity in his heart and mind, and a deep reverberating scream of 'NO!' echoed through him.

~~~ you came willing as a blind lamb to slaughter with open arms~~~

did I?

Akaza did not think so–he remembered that something in him had realized too late that this bargain was an undoing , an unmaking –but his rage had made him short sighted. And then it was too late.

He blinked.

He stood and faced the Water Hashira, who was his own demon-child, Tomioka. When they met on that fateful night, on what was to be their battlefield, Tomioka's human form–his flesh and blood and breath–were nothing more than weaknesses to Akaza. But now the Water Hashira fixed him with a cold gaze that was utterly damning, and Akaza could see the stunning human physicality of him, his skill and strength, but also his youth–he had been in the prime of his life when Akaza had unmade him–

as the master had done to him!

–and in so doing, Akaza had destroyed someone rather extraordinary, who was compelling in his own right, and Akaza felt regret–

it had been so long since he felt such a thing!

–and he was overcome by a terrible ache in his chest when he perceived that there was much that he seemed to have missed on that night. For Akaza had not known what drove Tomioka to be what he was, but he did know that he chose to face demons despite the comparative frailty of his human body.

you need to have something to protect.

They began to battle as they had that night, and when they came to the point when he turned Tomioka, he watched in horror as the demonic seed took hold, saw the shift in his physical state, which he could now see was a loss-a lessening–and Akaza felt a crushing sadness. For now he realized what he had missed when he'd perceived the Water Hashira's fighting spirit that night, and it was something he saw with a terrible, unsparing clarity–Tomioka's spirit was born of suffering that he used to prevent the suffering of others–

something to protect

–and Akaza was ashamed , guilt-striken over what he'd taken from this man, from the world.

"I'm sorry!" Akaza cried, "I didn't know!… Or I forgot! Please! Please Tomioka, forgive me!"

But even as he said the words, he found that there was a part of him that did not mean it! Because he knew to the marrow of his demonic bones, that he wanted Tomioka for himself. He needed his companionship–he was desperate for it.

selfish

There was a rageful sound that ripped through his skull, and suddenly the scene was walked backward, so that he was again standing before Tomioka, who was whole and alive and human and Akaza felt nothing but the strangest relief.

~~~don't you want a demon to fight with forever?~~~

Tomioka attacked, but this time Akaza did not fight back–

this, you protect

–and so the Water Hashira's sword sliced off his head with one blow, and as Akaza's vision began to dim, he saw Tomioka turn his back and walk away without a backward glance. For he was nothing to him, just another demon. And Akaza was glad.

He blinked a final time.

Akaza was returned to his demonic body, whole again, and he was in an empty chamber in the Infinity Castle.

It was Douma who came to him, his purest enemy, the one who he hated more than anyone else. And somehow because of this fact, Akaza knew that this was definitely real, that all of him, body and mind, were made whole again for this encounter.

"Akaza," Douma drawled with fake sincerity. "It has been far too long my dear friend."

Akaza said nothing, circling Douma and sending out his Compass Needle Blood Art, trying to sense if others were there, if this was an ambush.

But no, it was only Douma.

And Akaza felt his blood rise, felt the first ring of joy in his heart after however long he'd been trapped, for if he was to do battle for real, this was exactly the adversary he wanted to set himself against.

Douma appeared to be unfazed by Akaza's posturing, in fact, he looked bored.

"Word is that you have been rather disobedient," Douma purred, a disapproving pout settling on his mouth. "Our master is beyond displeased."

Akaza still did not respond, as this was nothing he didn't already know.

"I've been sent to help set you back on the right path, to help you to understand that you have been mistaken for a long time if you believe you possess anything like free will."

A door opened and a young woman was led into the room. She looked eerily familiar, like someone he had recently seen.

it could not be her… long dead… it was a trick!

She stared ahead, seemingly ignorant of her surroundings, her face serene.

"You've been allowed certain… leniencies. And the master has decided that the time has come for that to end," Douma exclaimed rather cheerfully, his face breaking out into a sadistic smile, and Akaza felt dread falling into the very pit of himself. Because he knew what Douma was referring to.

He looked everywhere else but in the woman's direction, but he felt the doom of knowing that this was inescapable, that what he was about to be made to do was as inevitable as the sunrise. Douma approached the woman and placed a hand around the back of her neck, leading her to Akaza.

"Here we are, darling," he intoned with inauthentic concern, drawing her up close to Akaza, and holding her out as if she was his to give away. Akaza did not move, he kept his eyes trained on the ground.

"Now Akaza, this will not do. Don't you ever want to be strong enough to beat me? If you do, you must eat a proper diet. Come now…just a little bite."

Akaza felt ill, a rare feeling for a demon. The woman remained still and detached, as though she was unaware of the danger she was in. And he knew she was a real woman, her humanity pulsed through her body, and he could feel her heat as if it was a veil around her, the scent of her blood thick and lush, and–

Akaza snapped his mouth shut as it had dropped open, shaking his head, as he backed away, but suddenly there was a wall behind him–and he felt himself bow toward her and he knew there was no fighting this–

~~~you will do as you are told~~~

–and Douma walked the woman forward until she was pressed up against Akaza's body. He recoiled, knowing that if he was in his right mind he would feel repulsed, but now, as his vision clouded, he lifted his gaze to see the sweep of thick eyelashes covering downturned eyes, and he could hear the steady beat of her heart, taste the salt of her skin on his tongue, all he wanted was to take this woman and crush her, to rip into her neck with his teeth and keep going until he found the source of that heat that consumed his senses, knew that it could be found in her heart, he just needed to get his hands in, one around her collar bone and past her ribs, the other pressing in against her shoulder blade to rip

Akaza came back to his senses, standing with his back against the wall, holding the remains of the woman in his hands. And all he could taste was her blood–the skin on his face and chest were cooling-so he didn't need to look to know that he was covered in it.

Douma stood before him looking thoroughly pleased with himself.

"See?" he purred. "How lovely! You were so hungry, why have you been depriving yourself?"

Akaza let forth a roar and he lunged for Douma who laughed as he sidestepped the attack. For Akaza did not feel sated by the taste of the woman's blood, rather, he felt sluggish and dull, as if he'd been drugged. He slipped in the blood that had pooled on the floor and fell to his knees.

Douma looked at him with disdain.

"Now… the master said that you must finish all of your food before he comes to see you, which I think will be very soon. You'd better get started. I would not recommend disappointing him right now."

Douma gave him a mirthless smile before he turned and left. Akaza looked at the ground, knowing what it was that he must do, though the thought of it disgusted him.

If he had not known it before–

which he had, it had just been a while since he'd been reminded

–it was crystal clear to him now. There was no way out. It was obey, or be tortured, and maybe even killed. At the moment Akaza preferred the thought of death, but somehow he knew that he would not be allowed to die, not yet, that survival was part of the punishment, along with the visions of things he wanted to forget. But he felt fear, no, he felt crushing terror, that he could no longer remember what was real and what wasn't from what he'd been forced to recall – perhaps not the truth–

~~~you will never know~~~`

–but something close.

who had he fought? was it his fault? who had he failed? why does it seem to matter now?

He swallowed thickly, turning to the body of the woman on the floor, and the miserable task he had ahead of him. He would do what he must, and he did, choking on every bite.

After a time (and who really knew how long it was) the master deigned to have Akaza brought before him.

This time, not only was he on his knees, but he pressed his forehead to the ground. While Akaza knew he should feel fear, he did not seem able to summon it. The master's trials had left him feeling utterly broken and detached. His mind was disordered in such a way that he did not know what was real and what wasn't. Everything was raw and disjointed, like someone had taken some vital aspect of himself and shattered it into pieces and just shoved it back into his head in a big mess.

"Akaza, I can see that you are in quite a state."

Akaza was too exhausted to respond with words, so he nodded his head, his forehead scraping across the ground.

"I was lax with you, I see that now. But it is not a mistake that I will make again," the master said with disdain. "There shall be no more special accommodations for you. I now demand that you eat nothing but females, and the younger, the better. Am I understood?"

Again, Akaza nodded with his head against the ground.

"Excellent, now that we understand one another, I have a new mission for you." Akaza heard what he imagined was the master clapping his hands together. "Make no mistake about it, this is a test. If you falter off the path even a little bit, if I sense even a moment's hesitation on your part, I will end you. It will not be swift. It will make what you've endured seem like nothing. It will go on for years, decades, and if you are allowed to eat, you will be force fed. And well... let's just say that what you will be fed will be very, very young and rather tender."

Akaza felt a drowning kind of hopelessness and thought wearily that he wished to walk out to meet the sun.

He felt himself pressed to the ground brutally.

"Your end is at my discretion. There will be no early exit for you," the master seethed through gritted teeth.

Akaza could not move to even nod his head, so he forced himself to be empty, to become nothing but an instrument. It was what he was in the beginning after all… he could embody it again.

The master reached down and grabbed Akaza's head by his hair, wrenching him up so that Akaza was staring into the master's cold, hard stare.

"You will hunt Tomioka. You will not kill him, but you will bring him to me."

For one fleeting moment Akaza felt himself recoil from the idea ( this, you protect ), but he knew to his core that he must accept the command, and so he did.

If the master sensed it (and of course he did) he must have been pleased by Akaza's acquiescence. He released Akaza's head, and, turning his back, he began to walk away. He called back over his shoulder in a tone like a whip, "Now get up and get out of my sight."

Akaza was allowed to leave the Infinity Castle at last, and the first thing he did was rip down a stand of trees and demolish a rock formation that housed a cave he once frequented to wait out the day, such was his rage and frustration. Akaza had always excelled at breaking things.

(He had only created one thing during his time as a demon, and look at where that had gotten him!)

His recollection of his time in the Infinity Castle was fractured, but he was haunted by what seemed to be human memories and he no longer trusted his own mind. Had he repressed these memories or had they been taken? Perhaps forgetting he'd ever been human was easier, because, well… it made eating them easier. That and they were so terribly weak. It was probably better to believe that he'd always been a demon. He wondered how he could have achieved this level of self delusion, for had he not made Tomioka from a man? He had been arrogant to think he was any different.

what a fool

Akaza tried not to think too much about the things he'd been made to see, even as they dogged his every step. What was real and what wasn't, he couldn't know, but it all plagued him. He also tried not to think about the fact that his appetite was completely gone, as he did not want the master to notice. Self preservation and getting stronger had been his priorities for the entirety of his demonic life. Now he merely wanted to complete his mission and be done with it all. What happened after… he did not care.

So for now, he put all of his energy and focus on finding the demon Tomioka.

to protect–NO!–to capture

But, curiously, when Akaza finally did find him, it was because Tomioka was looking for him.