Kenshin made a very considerable effort to keep his eyes down and concentrate on breakfast.
Don't look.
His focus and discipline seemed to be dissipating by the moment. He didn't remember struggling this much.
Does this happen when you get older?
That didn't seem right. Hiko was obviously older than him and seemed to have no trouble with his focus when he'd literally and figuratively beat Kenshin to a pulp the last time they trained.
All he knew was that Kaoru-dono was extremely alluring at the moment and that he, no matter what, couldn't let his attention or his eyes stray from his task. If he did she would see. She'd know everything and he couldn't let that happen.
Eventually he finished preparing the meal, and then he was presented with a new and equally difficult challenge: find something else to think about besides the (even now) awe-inspiring graceful movements of her hands as she set the table.
Kenshin, who was not easily taken by surprise, had had his preconceptions of her startlingly disproven, one by one, as their friendship grew.
At their first meeting, when she bravely and stupidly confronted a man who she knew for a fact was not only capable of murder but more than willing to commit it, his impression of her was that she must have been raised to fulfill the role of a son and must be uninterested in more feminine pursuits, that she was indelicate and too quick to anger. She had to be putting on a show that she was protecting her family's honor and their social status but would probably back down quickly when the danger she was in really became apparent. Though he knew he was no threat to her, she didn't know that, and if she had confronted the man she was really after her life would be forfeit. He was ashamed to admit that his very first thought upon their meeting was that she was beautiful, immediately followed by a second thought that she was either an idiot or certifiably insane.
His prejudices, unbeknownst to her (he promised himself he would never admit these embarrassingly ignorant, somewhat chauvinistic, and hurtful biases to her as long as he lived) had been systematically struck down.
She was an enigma. Stubborn, but able to back down when proven wrong. Sharp-tongued, but her actions were unerringly kind and caring. She was sometimes impulsive but more often she was thoughtful. She was wise and naive. She was a strict instructor to Yahiko when she needed to be yet she was indulgent to her favorite student. She had rough, calloused hands that moved elegantly when holding either a bokken or a teapot. She had been envious of Megumi-dono and yet she had quickly jumped to her defense and (albeit grudgingly at first) welcomed the wayward doctor to her home.
Kaoru-dono, only a teenager when forced to take on such a monumental task, ran her father's dojo efficiently, economically, lovingly, and with great care. For all of these things she was more beautiful than any other woman he knew and falling in love with her had been the easiest thing he'd ever done.
Ah. He'd done exactly what he had been trying all morning to avoid. Thinking about her and how lovely she was and all of his bothersome feelings.
"Kenshin, do you-" at the sound of her voice he unconsciously turned to look at her and answer an unequivocal yes to whatever question she might ask or request she might make of him and she stopped mid-sentence, seemingly startled at his sudden gaze. He nearly laughed when her open mouth audibly and comically snapped shut. Before either of them could gather their wits Yahiko made his usual noisy entrance, commanding the room as he always did.
"Mornin'. Food's ready?" He asked sleepily, flopping onto a nearby cushion and rubbing at his eye with his fist. He didn't bother to look at either of them as he grabbed his chopsticks and started filling his bowl. Only after he nearly inhaled his first serving and started reaching for seconds did he look up and notice Kaoru-dono.
"What the hell happened to you?" He demanded rudely. Kaoru-dono flushed bright red and Kenshin couldn't tell if it was from embarrassment or from anger. Before she could answer Yahiko laughed boisterously.
"What's with the ridiculous get-up? You look like a boy dressing up like a woman! An ugly boy!"
Kenshin, more aware than anyone of her slightest movements, saw her knuckles turn white as she tightened her grip on her chopsticks. He thought she might snap them in half. Yahiko continued to laugh meanly as Kaoru-dono's eyes appeared to glisten and Kenshin quickly realized that they were tears. Kaoru-dono fought them bravely, for not a single one fell. Instead she stood so suddenly that Yahiko startled, dropping his bowl. It fell on the table at an angle, spun, and miraculously came to rest right side up. His laughter and the long list of jokes that Kenshin was sure Yahiko had up his sleeve was cut short and the two of them stared in silence at her back as she briskly walked away, toward her room. Expecting her anger and that she would slam the shoji shut so hard that it would break, Kenshin was a bit taken aback when she calmly stepped out of her zori, methodically placed them side-by-side, and slid her shoji behind her with ease.
"What-" Yahiko started but was interrupted by a show of anger and emotion from Kenshin that was thus far unheard of within the confines of the Kamiya dojo.
Kenshin's right fist met the poor, battered table with a loud slam and the dishes sitting on it rattled in protest. He raised himself onto his knees and leaned over their forgotten meal until his face was mere inches away from Yahiko's. The boy froze, eyes wide and staring. For the first time, Kenshin knew that Yahiko was afraid of him, finally aware of the reality of just how dangerous he had always been. Kenshin was furious, so much so that at the moment he was unable to acknowledge the pang of guilt in his gut that Yahiko's fear caused.
He would worry and obsess over that later.
He was seething but under control when he spoke. Kenshin had learned early on that rage was expressed far more efficiently with calm disdain than with loud, needless shouting. A man who could control himself even in his ire was far more effective than an undisciplined one who struck out irrationally. The latter was predictable. He was ruled by his primal instinct to lash out at whoever was near, guaranteed to become violent. The former's actions couldn't be anticipated.
"Listen to me very carefully, because I will only say these words once. I won't tolerate your disrespect and utter lack of civility toward Kaoru-dono anymore. Your insults aren't funny to anyone but you and everyone you meet, including me, will see you as nothing but a child pretending to be a man if you continue. It was my mistake and failure to allow your behavior up until now. Why Kaoru-dono has put up with it for this long is beyond my understanding and only due to her love for you. Any other master would have long beaten and turned out such an arrogant, uncouth pupil and the only reason I've remained silent until now is because I know of the genuine affection you feel for her, which you desperately try and fail to hide.
"Kaoru-dono has done nothing but care for you since you came here. Housed you, fed you, clothed you, and painstakingly instructed you in her father's beloved school, a school that you initially derided, all at her expense. Only for you to insult and belittle at nearly every turn. Let me remind you, because you seem to have forgotten, that both of us would be nothing without Kaoru-dono.
"So, do you understand what I've said?"
Kenshin silently stared into Yahiko's eyes, daring him to argue or deny the truth of his words. For a second Yahiko stared back defiantly, then he paled and cast his eyes down to his lap.
"I understand."
Kenshin eased back into his former position, sitting as relaxed as he had been before. He picked up his chopsticks and after filling his bowl ate in silence. The air was tense, Yahiko sat awkwardly and his bowl remained untouched, the idea of a second helping of breakfast abandoned. When Yahiko spoke again, his voice shook, all of that false bravado was gone only a child sat before Kenshin. Yahiko had been thoroughly and painfully admonished.
"Sorry." He said this one word so low that anyone without Kenshin's finely honed sense of hearing would have had to ask him to repeat himself, and Kenshin felt all of Yahiko's shame. Perhaps Yahiko had known all along that his behavior wasn't really acceptable... but the boy did not know how else to act, had probably never learned how to be part of a family. Kenshin felt the knot in his gut tangle further. That was the guilt- his oldest and closest companion. He wondered if he had gone too far.
Kenshin nodded in acknowledgement of Yahiko's apology.
"I'm not the one in need of an apology."
Yahiko said nothing to this, and for a long time continued to sit silently, seemingly thinking through what he would say next, or perhaps gathering his courage.
"You're right that the things I've said to Kaoru were thoughtless and hurtful and it's true that I would be nothing without her. I'd still be a thief, dreaming about restoring my family's honor but too useless and weak to actually do anything about it, and there'd be nobody around to care about what happens to me, just like before. But I want you to understand this. I'm not the one who hurts her the most. You are."
Yahiko stood and bowed. "Thank you for the meal," he said stiffly, and left.
Kenshin stared at the empty spot that Yahiko had vacated, so still that he could be mistaken for a statue.
You are. I am.
I'm the one who hurts her more than anyone else.
I do. It's me.
Kenshin, finally breaking free from his frozen state, stared at Kaoru-dono's shoji, as if he could see through it if he just looked hard enough.
He loved her, and pitied her because she loved him, for what could be worse than caring for someone like him? How terrible and unfair.
Better that she should love someone like Ikeda-san. With enough time, with the love and attention of a caring husband, her feelings for him could fade. He would have to step aside, make way for a man that could provide her with something clean and untainted. Would Ikeda-san ever hurt her? Kenshin didn't think so. If he could be sure of this, he would concede without a trace of bitterness or envy. He would only feel deep, excruciating longing. That would be a small price to pay for her happiness.
If he was worthy he could do it.
I don't think I am. I don't think I can.
Kenshin would watch him. He had to be sure. He had to be confident that Ikeda-san would be all that she deserved. That he could measure up to her and be her equal and protect her.
He'd make sure, and then he would go if that's what she wanted.
Kenshin didn't know where Yahiko had gone. The hours passed and there was no sign that he was home. Kenshin assumed he had gone somewhere to be alone, like Kenshin had done when his master had admonished him. If Yahiko was anything like Kenshin had been at that age, he was at this moment taking out his frustration on some innocent tree and imagining it was Kenshin's face.
Kaoru-dono did not emerge until Ikeda-san arrived. When she did her face was scrubbed clean, her hair pulled back into it's usual style. Kenshin was conflicted. He was disappointed that the novelty had been so short-lived and relieved that Ikeda-san wouldn't see it.
It was as if nothing had happened. Kaoru-dono was behaving like her normal self. She smiled at Ikeda-san, waved and bade Kenshin a cheerful goodbye. But as she walked out the gate Kenshin noticed a very slight, almost undetectable stiffness in her gait.
It was good that Yahiko had made himself scarce.
The afternoon wore on so slowly it was painful. Kenshin was fidgety and nervous. He resolved to follow several times, until his sense and reasoning returned. This cycle repeated itself, first it was forty minutes, then thirty, then fifteen. By three o'clock he was pacing the courtyard. Toward the gate, to the laundry basin, back to the gate, to the laundry, to the gate until Yahiko finally returned and Kenshin, trying very hard to look as nonchalant as possible, settled down to start the long neglected laundry. Yahiko, in a rare show of restraint, pretended not to notice. Yahiko said nothing to Kenshin and quickly busied himself in the dojo. Dusting the Kamiya placard then sweeping.
When he ran out of things to do, Yahiko came to stand before Kenshin, looking anywhere but at his face.
"I followed them. They didn't see me. Don't worry, he didn't try anything funny. Sano coincidentally met up with them in town, so nothing will happen. She's probably heading back now."
Before Kenshin could reply Yahiko had already turned on his heel and ensconced himself in his room.
"Thank you," Kenshin mumbled to an empty courtyard.
Author's Note: sorry for the long wait. I struggled a lot with this chapter for some reason, got frustrated, and set the story aside for a little while. Then life happened. I'm hoping that the wait between chapters won't be nearly as long in the future! I do want to continue this story, and I have a few chapters already nearly done. I like to skip around with my chapters when I get stuck on one. I definitely have not abandoned this story! Thanks for reading!
