Clairebear97: thank you for reviewing!! I certainly think so. Especially since Carsile is a doctor and the oldest and most experienced among them. Cool. I'll try to keep it up.
This is a bit more general, but related to what I just said- I'll try my best to keep updates often and close together, but in the past I've gone weeks without posting anything- mainly because of life. Anyhow, I'll try my best!!
For any of you who are confused, Alice cannot see Bella's future because she isn't making any decisions. She's going through steps robotically without much thought. Further, when she is cutting, Bella doesn't decide "I'm going to cut" rather, it's more, "okay, here's the pain, here's the solution" by now it's become more of an impulse. Or, a quick second decision. Hope that makes sense (if not lemme know, and tell me why)
—
I finally came to my senses, hearing Charlie get up from the sofa downstairs. I hurriedly yanked my sleeve down and rushed into my bed to pretend to be asleep.
As soon as he passed I got up and went straight back into the bathroom. I had to cut away the memories. Because Edward couldn't be here. A life where Edward was there but not mine…. I didn't want to live like that… no, I refused to live like that.
—
EDWARD POV
I rushed to Carsile's office, half panicked.
"Carsile!" I cried, bursting through his door. He looked up skeptically from his desk. "You're a doctor. Help- Bella!" I wasn't making much sense, but frankly, I didn't care. At all. Something was wrong with Bella.
"Slow down Edward, what's wrong with Bella?"
"I don't know! That's the problem! Something is just wrong but I can't tell what!"
Carsile sighed. "We'll have her visit in the morning."
To Edward, it wasn't perfect. Not even close. But it was something. One night wouldn't hurt… right?
Wrong.
BELLA POV
I smiled watching the blood flow down my arm, the edges of my vision going fuzzy. I grabbed the blade.
Cut my ties to life.
But my hand was slippery and my arm was too. And it went deeper than I wanted. The sudden pain jolted me back to reality. I snatched a towel and wrapped it tightly around my mutilated arm. How was I going to explain this? I shook my head. I'd worry about that later. I carefully wrapped my arm in bandages. Tight. I pulled my bloody sleeve down. Right. I'd need to wash that. I threw it aside along with the towel and changed shirts. Closing the door, I got into bed and tried to sleep. Right in time too, as Edward appeared at my side, the window open.
The pain returned.
EDWARD POV
I finished telling Carsile all I observed about Bella. Something flashed through his mind, but he was thinking determinedly about what carpet color would best match his office so quickly after that I didn't catch it in my distracted state. I sighed. I had promised Bella I'd go back and see her, but first I wanted to check in with Alice and see if she'd seen anything.
"Alice?" I asked, knocking on her door.
"Yeah. Come in." She called.
I walked inside, unsurprised that she's already gotten around to changing practically the whole entire room's decor. "Have you seen anything… Bella, recently?" I asked innocently.
She frowned, "No, I can't say I have… why?"
I shrugged, "I don't know, she's been….off lately. Anyways, I need to go back. I promised her I'd return."
Alice nodded, "I can look if you want."
I hesitated, "No, she'll be sleeping now anyways. I want to let things get settled. I suspect she hasn't decided on anything yet, especially with my sudden return… but let me know if you see something in the next couple weeks."
"Alright."
With that I ran back to Bella's house, swiftly opening her window and jumping down silently next to her. I smiled slightly at her sleeping form and closed the window.
—
I was startled out of my thoughts, mainly about what may/may noy be wrong with Bella, but a small whimper. From Bella. I peered at her curiously, wondering what her dreams entailed now… especially after what she had said about me being a dream, and waking up screaming.
"No…" she whimpered. I frowned. This didn't seem like a pleasant dream. "NO! DONT! COME BACK!" She yelled. A pang of guilt stabbed me. I was pretty sure I knew what this was about. I opened the window and perched myself on the tree outside, not wanting the first person she saw after waking up to be me. I forced myself not to wake her up, telling myself I had to know what happened. Suddenly she outright screamed. She screamed and screamed and then bolted upright, tumbling off her bed onto the floor.
Guilt was strangling me, making it hard to breathe… not that I had to, luckily. Nevertheless, I ran as fast as I could into her rocking chair, and waited for her to notice me.
She began sobbing, rocking herself back and forth. I couldn't stand it anymore. I got up and walked slowly, cautiously, over.
I gently hugged her against my chest, pecking her lightly on the back of her neck.
After a while, she faced me. "I've decided you're real." She said, still emotionless, despite her outburst. "But don't feel guilty and stay…" she- surprisingly gently- pushed me towards the window. "A clean break… remember? You don't have to stay for me. I'm not worth it. Don't feel compelled to check on me. I'm fine." Her voice had a slight waver in it- my only indication that she wasn't a robot "I know you don't…" she crossed her arms firmly. Okay… so that was new. "I know you don't really care."
BELLA POV
"I know you don't …" I crossed my arms, gripping my throbbing arm tightly. It gave me the numbness I needed. "I know you don't really care." Edward looked crestfallen.
"Bella…" he said, "I… how can I ever make this up to you?" He sounded like he was about to cry… he probably would be if he could. "Leaving you was the worst mistake I ever made, if you don't want me, that's okay, but… if you can ever find it either yourself to forgive me, take me back- which you shouldn't but- if you ever do, I'll always love you. I'll always have you… I don't deserve you though."
—
At some point during our discussion last night, I fell asleep. And now, here I am. It was 4am and I had 2 and a half hours to get ready for school. Edward was frowning because I got up so early, and if I was being completely honest with him, I'd tell him I couldn't sleep because my arm hurt so bad.
I… didn't fully believe Edward, despite what he said. The pain of being unwanted hadn't gone away, and maybe, somewhere deep down, I ravished in the pain. I thought I deserved it. It was sick. It was unnatural, but at the same time, it felt right. I liked the numbness I brought, too. It took away the pain, the emotion, the need to constantly think. I didn't tell him any of that. "I'm just not tired." I lied, "Plus, this gives us more time together." I was a horrible liar, but my tone was no different from the other words I spoke, dulled into a hazy of unfeeling robotic movements.
Somehow, I had the feeling he saw straight through me… But how could he?
He insisted on taking me to see Alice again, "It's been so long, let's go visit my family." He had said.
Pain be forgotten, I couldn't say no to that smile.
Pain be remembered, I couldn't forget what happened last time…
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give me your predictions!!!
