WARNING: IMPLIED SA
Big shout out to Calleigh, who gave me this chapter on a silver platter!! They gave me this awesome idea for the plot, and helped me edit Rosalie's beginning part till it was AMAZING!!! also, they agreed to be my beta!! So down with my poor grammar and inability to spell!!! Yay!!!
Okay… it's been a… while. I have writer's block, fun fun… but I've seen one too many stories where the author let writer's block stop the story and never came back to it… so I'll just keep pushing. Now that I think about it, I think I've had writer's block for months now, with other stories. Further, I've been… dealing with some things, probably coping in very VERY unhealthy ways, but it's not like I have much as far as emotional support goes. Don't worry about me. Anyways.
(How's this for a 'longer chapter'? My thingy legit says "can't detect grammar errors, text is too long.")
Predictions cuz I don't have enough energy to think!!! Or really do anything, but predictions!!!! Or ideas, anyhow, you get my point.
—
ROSALIE POV
I never liked the human girl. She was callously throwing away her humanity and all of the possibilities the human girl has. It's made me livid to no end! How could this girl not see! All I could think about was how mine was stolen from me and here she is, not even thinking twice about what she might lose. Emmet and the others tried restlessly to get me to like her and not be so cold towards the girl, but I just couldn't. I couldn't bear to see her with the life I dreamt of having. To see her try- to want to just throw it all away like nothing.
Jasper's small gasp of pain broke me from my musings, and although little could phase the military Vampire, I still worried for my adopted brother. I ran out of my room to the top of the stairs to see if all was well, and there Jasper is, behind the girl, mimicking how she was sitting. I started to make a snide comment about her being so… but before it could leave my lips, my eyes traveled to the sitting girl, I stilled and was somewhat shocked by the scene in front of me. There was something about how she wrapped her arms around her waist, shrinking into the sofa, like she was trying to be as small as possible. Like she was feeling so… small and insignificant.
I felt strange. Was this sympathy I was feeling toward the girl? It was unexplainable, and yet I tried nevertheless. Right now she looked so.. so.. broken. Sad. Really, wasn't it foolish to be so rude to her under the pretext of her losing everything I had ever wanted by being with us when, it seemed, she already had lost it all?
Was I… beginning to like the girl? Maybe. Probably. I couldn't help but think there was something else she was hiding… but no the gir- Bella- I suppose I should start calling her that- was an open person. I should talk to Jasper about it. But as I look closer her eyes met mine briefly, i gasped, too quietly for th- for Bella to hear, Jasper looked up regaining his composure and looked quizzically at me, he felt my shock and followed closely after, my utter and absolute horror. I knew that look that Bella wore, I knew it, all too well.
But, I reminded myself, it was wrong to make assumptions. I'd try to see if I could get her trust. See if I could learn anything.
—
JASPER POV
Rose… had mentioned she thought Bella was hiding something… I frowned, focusing on her emotions. Yes, there was… something, buried. Deep. It was making a steady effort to come to the surface, I realized. Suddenly, Bella somehow pushed it down. Deep. Deeper than I could see.
Still. She was hiding something. Something important.
But what was it?
—
BELLA'S POV
The looming feelings. Things I wasn't supposed to think about. Things I wasn't supposed to remember. It had come for me again. I stuffed it down, deep enough that I wouldn't notice. Hoping no one else would notice. Because if they did… what would they think? What would they do? They'd leave again! And-
I cut myself off there. No. I couldn't think. I wouldn't think.
—
The days dragged by. I had no idea what the cullens did about school, but no one said anything about it, so I didn't either.
It was barely a week… (only a week?!?) When Alice insisted we go shopping.
"Bella!! Your clothes and closet are in DESPERATE need of a re-do! We have to go shopping NOW!"
I chuckled. "Where to?"
"Hm, I heard a new mall opened in Port Angeles."
I froze, heart going a million miles per hour.
Don't Think, don't think, don't think…
I let out a shaky breath, trying to regain my composure. "Oh r-really? I wouldn't know." I did know. I knew VERY well. I could show you the exact spot where…
No. No thinking allowed. Especially not for me.
"Is something wrong?" Alice asked innocently.
Innocent. Something-
No. No thinking. Not now, not ever.
"N-no, I'm fine."
I felt light headed, my breaths were uneven, jumbled gasped, and my heart was skipping beats all over the place, thumping out an uneven, random rhythm. Just like when-
No. No thinking. Not now, not ever.
With some effort, I forced the unwanted parts of me back down from where they had resurfaced. Edward, of course sensing my distress, knowing something was amiss, came rushing in. "What's wrong? Bella? Are you okay?" He demanded.
"I'm- fine-" I gasped out, still hyperventilating. He shot me a skeptical look, but left it at that.
I just really, REALLY, hoped Jasper wasn't paying attention.
He was a vampire, however, and I was almost positive he was.
Well, back to old tactics. They couldn't MAKE me tell them. So-
Deny, deny, deny.
—
JASPER POV
It had barely been long until the buried part resurfaced. Stronger. Worse. Emotions assaulted me.
Worthlessness. Guilt. Worry. Pain. Disgust. Self-loathing. Fear. And so much more.
The same things that Rosalie was still dealing with after I'd met her. She'd gotten over it, but… the memories of her remained. I had a sinking feeling about this, but I refused to think about my worries. My guesses. Instead, I called out to Edward: Edward, Bella needs you.
I heard him rush into Alice's room, well… technically our room, but originally Alice's. Either way, I was in the living room playing chess with Emmet. I tried to focus on the game. It was fertile. My mind was distracted by what was going on upstairs.
"I'll be right back, Emmet," I murmured, getting up and running to Edward Alice and Bella.
—
ROSALIE POV
I couldn't help but listen. Bella brought out the protective side in all of us, it seemed, and I viewed her more as a sister now.
I listened to her, as she stumbled over her words, and I heard the fear shot though her voice at the mentioning on Port Angeles… something must've happened.
I listened more intently.
"What's wrong? Bella? Are you Okay?" Edward said harshly. If I was being honest, he needed to tone it down. He sounded more angry than worried, though I knew he meant good.
"I'm… Fine…" Bella said between quickly calming hyperventilating breaths. I didn't believe her for a second. I was sure Edward didn't either.
"Bella, something is wrong. I can feel it." I heard Jasper's voice from the room. His voice came along with calming sensations. I realized he was using his gift to help calm Bella down.
"No, nothing is wrong- you're wrong." Bella inisited.
Edward made a noise so quiet I doubted Bella heard. I was like a groan mixed squeak of irritation and frustration. My anger flared. If he DARE pushed her… I knew the signs. I had my suspicions. I wasn't stupid. "Bella, tell me what's wrong." My hand balled into a fist. He was being pushy and demanding.
"No, Edward. Nothing is wrong." Bella insisted. Ever persistent. Ever resilient.
"Bella…" Edward warned, his voice dripping with anger and warning. My anger flared again. It wouldn't take much to set me off.
"Bella, my senses don't lie. You're hiding something…" Jasper said uncertainly.
Bella said nothing, but he was getting close to panic. Closer than was wise to let slip for Edward in particular.
Bella's breaths were panicked again- and even without seeing her I could tell she was distressed. Edward spoke up, "why can't you just trust me! Why can't you tell me what's wrong!" He yelled, obviously irritated and annoyed. His protective side was too protective. "We just want to help!!" Bella gave a soft squeak. Inaudible to human ears.
That was the last straw. I ran downstairs, ripping the door off. I winced for Esme's sake.
"IMBECILES!" I shouted. "YOU'RE SCARING HER!" I mentally shouted it too, for Edward's benefit, making an effort to project my anger at Jasper. They stared at me, shocked at my defensive outburst. "LOOK AT HER!" I snapped. When they continued to stare, I repeated myself. "Look. At. Her." I growled, leaving no question as to whether or not I'd willingly fight them right here, right now. Edward stared at th- Bella for a moment. Something about his gaze suddenly seemed sad and guilty.
I wanted to say 'good, be guilty, look at what you've caused' but it also hurt me to hurt my adopted… forget all that, my brother hurting so much. Even Jasper looked mortified at the amount of fear even I could feel radiating off her. She was shaking, skin somehow paler than it was before. Tears streamed down her eyes, and her lips were slightly parted.
None of us moved for a whole minute. Everyone was frozen. Edward spoke first. "Bella… I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have pushed it, I…" he looked down, unable to meet her eyes.
Jasper nodded in agreement. "I'm sorry too, Bella. My reaction was… highly uncalled for."
Alice shifted slightly. Edward, Jasper and I jumped. We'd all forgotten she was there.
This caused Bella to start laughing, breaking the high tension in the room. Pointing at the three of us, she managed to choke out between laughs, "you… jump like… those cats do… in the funny…. Cat videos…" the room started to laugh as well. Of course, the laugh was tense, and not free and easy going, but with Jasper's help, everyone felt at ease.
We were leaving the room, when Edward spoke to me quietly, "Rose?" He asked, curiosity and sadness morphing his features. "What… happened? To Bella? You seem to… know, or, at least have a guess." I shot him a murderous glare.
"She will tell you later. When, and if she is ready. We were the ones that left. Don't forget that." I turned and left, leaving a very confused Edward frozen.
I wanted desperately to talk to Bella, but I just couldn't. She probably hated me for hating her. How could I just go up to her and say 'hey, I know I treated you like crap before, but wanna trust me with your deepest darkest secrets?' I mentally scoffed. Like that would go over well. No, I'd have to befriend her slowly and carefully. Don't give any hints that I know, er, strongly suspect what happened. Simply tell her I understand.
Still. I longed for an immediate close relationship.
Time. I reminded myself. Time.
—
I heard Alice talking to Edward about how she'd seen that I would help tremendously with Bella, making everything a lot better. She didn't know how or why- just that he had to help me build a relationship. I smiled. So she saw a relationship. Huh? Well, that was good. I was glad it- at the very least- was a foreseeable future.
Edward seemed to understand this, because he agreed to help me get closer to Bella. I sighed- not happy but… content, and went downstairs to see Bella watching a movie with Jasper. I hurt to see her curled in on herself, eyes constantly flickering to the doors and windows. She noticed me, of course, standing by the door unsure. Slowly, I crept over and sat down beside her. I internally noted that she seemed fine with us getting close. Relief and dread fought inside me. Either she trusted us, or it had happened… a while ago.
At some point Bella fell asleep, and me and Jasper retreated into our respective rooms. Emmet, Carlisle, and Esme were all out hunting today, so I brainstormed things to do together.
—-
EDWARD POV
Rose was careful not to directly think about what was going on with Bella. All she said was 'let her tell you in her own time'. And it bothered me to no end. I wanted- no- needed to know. Because I needed to be there for her. Logically, I knew that rose would help. That letting Bella have the space she needed had to be helping. That it had to be the right thing. But why, when I knew it was the right thing, could it possibly feel so much like the wrong thing? It was like dating Bella all over again: Being with her was the wrong thing to do, so why had it felt like the right thing? Once again, the battle between what I knew to be the right and what I felt to be the wrong- vice versa sometimes too- battled between me, pulling me in two opposite directions. On top of that, I had- of course- the question…. No. It was not questions that constantly nagged me every waking moment. Well, just every moment. These two questions plus the divide in me made it nearly impossible to think clearly. My two questions required time to think through.
So here I sat, on my sofa, at near midnight, ready to finally think it all out after a long day of stress and questions. I made a little inner… report.
Question 1 of 2: I've had this question since I left Bella. How- no, why did she accept my lies so easily? I had cleared the entire day to have to rip myself apart and lie through my teeth, but she just- believed it. I could see that she truly, really, believed it. Why? Had I not told her time after time that I loved her? That I couldn't live without her? Hadn't I told her about how I planned to die whenever she did? If she did? I grimaced at the thought. The mere thought of Bella with red eyes, pale skin and stone cold marble skin…. Soulless, sent shudders up at me. No, I wouldn't think about that now. I redirected my thinking to the other problem. Why had she believed me? How could she? Did she truly think I didn't love her? That everything I ever did and thought about was for her benefit? How could she? No, how could I allow her to believe such things. How could I have not made sure she knew just how much I loved her. How could I have not ensured my only love… my life, if I happened to have one, knew that she was my only love. My life, or maybe lack thereof. With that, I simply left the issue. I hadn't shown her enough. I'd asked her more about it later.
Question 2 of 2: What could possibly be wrong with Bella? I'd considered this at least, somewhat, earlier, searching my family's minds for…. Well, anything. Everyone else was just as in the dark as I was… except Rose. Rose, however, was careful not to think… pretty much anything. Not only was it infuriating, it made me feel like she thought she couldn't trust me. Another question came to mind. Another… thought. Was it possible that whatever it was was so horrible Bella might not want me to know? I thought about Rose's curious actions the other day- protecting and defending Bella when in the past she'd shown her distaste and jealousy. I thought about Rose's reasons for disliking Bella: that Bella would willingly throw away her human life for us monsters. Throw away what Rose had always wanted. So what, I asked, could be so horrible that Bella wouldn't want to tell me? The most recent… incident came to mind. Bella's cutting. Had she done it again? I pushed the thought aside. I'd have smelt the blood from miles away. And her house was miles away. Maybe there was some kind of other problem? Something else she was afraid I'd leave her over? But it all came back to the same question, didn't it.
But what could that 'something' be?
BELLA'S POV
Edward wasn't sleeping with me tonight. The others said he was hunting, but it seemed unlikely. Hadn't he just hunted? I thought back to the last time I saw him- what color had his eyes been? A mix between topaz and black. A sort of… hazel. Maybe he was hunting. Maybe. The days seemed to blur by in a jumbled mess. I couldn't tell what was what, and well, anything anymore.
—
Time passes… even when it still hurts. Even when the pain makes every hour of every day of every week blue together.
Even when some pains don't fade.
—-
Sure, the pain of losing Edward, the pain of being unwanted faded. Slowly, but it faded until the memory of him leaving only caused a few tears.
Some pains didn't fade. Mental scars that I'd keep forever. It hurts constantly. Trust me, I want to tell Edward- he deserves to know. I just… Can't. I think he's figured it out by now. The small fact that I wake up screaming things best left out of my conscious mind every night says enough. Quite literally. I refused to think of it too much, though. Rose has been hanging out around me lately. It's been… nice. Her silent support helps me feel a bit more… wanted. As if the most beautiful thing to walk the earth's approval made me less… dirty.
Still. Everything kept blurring together and I couldn't tell one moment from the next.
Everything kept…
"Bella?" I snapped out of my daze, to see Rose walking to me. I looked at her for a moment. I still wasn't good at being pulled from my thoughts.
Finally, I managed a small, "yeah?" I wanted to add, 'What do you want' to it, but it was both rude and unnecessary. She'd tell me in a moment anyways.
"Do you want to see Charlie?" A wave of guilt passed through me. I hadn't even thought about Charlie.
I hadn't been to school, or home in… a long time. A… week? More? Less? I didn't know. Dread came soon after.
What had the Cullens told him about me?
—
insert evil grin*
(I think that's a good spot to leave off, yall. You're welcome:)
