Sighs* My head hurts. Everything hurts. My life hurts.

--

Drifting... I was drifting in an ocean... if this was the end, then I was glad. I swam deeper, hoping I could reach the end faster.

"Bella, no, please, stay with me..."

Ah. So the hilluciations were back. the second time I drown. Ironic. I wouldn't stay. I couldn't stay. Reality meant pain. endless pain. was that want Ed- he wanted me to endure? to suffer, though.

"Carlisle?" Velvet. It was so... I wanted both velvet and this ocean.

"We have to change her. It should be you, Edward." Edward. No pain. I must already be dead.

Yes, the pain was gone. I had to be dead.

They say angels are in heaven. I carefully reminded myself that Edward, therefore, must be in heaven. Unless I go to hell.

Even hell would be better than... what I just escaled. No, it would only improve from here.

"Is there nothing else to be done?"

"She hit her heart. Venom won't work- We have to take her to the hospital, and fast."

I dimly wondered why the voices acted as though I were alive.

I refused to believe the possibiliy that I might be alive. It just couldnt be true. not after all I'd been through.


"Bella, love, please come back to me..."

Voices drifted around me, mostly asking for me to come back. I... strongly suspected a long time had passed. But still, I swam deeper.

Eventually, the voices faded along with me.


EDWARD POV

She was dying. The mere possibilty tore at me. Anxious and sick with worry, I spent most of my days at her bedside, begging her to come back to fight.

But I knew she wouldn't fight. She'd tried to - to kill herself, and I knew that if she wanted to die, she wouldn't try to stay alive.

Machines kept her heart beating until it had healed enough to do it on its own. Ventalators kept air going in and out of her body, as the puncture mark in her left lung healed.

I could change her. Force her to come back to us.

Carlisle says I shouldn't. He says that there is a chance the Bella inside of her body might already be gone. That it might just be her body being kept alive.

I can't believe that. I refuse to. If I believe that, then the bane of my existence no longer exists. I can't live without Bella. I won't.

But long stressful hours drag into days.

Long tiring days drag into months.

And before I know it, they're talking about killing her. Er, "Putting her to sleep" Permanently.

I think I finally understand what Bella meant by a "Walking Nightmare," where the only way to wake yourself up is to die.

Understand is different than believe.

Carlisle and the rest of my family tell me to hunt, but i ignore them. What if she takes her final breath while I'm away? What if she can hear me and thinks I've abandoned her? What if she wakes up while I'm away, sees I'm gone, and goes again?

No. My place is here, and I won't move until she's fully dead or alive.

Charlie visits often, too... though I know from his thoughts he doesn't truly think she will ever wake up.

He's seen the marks on her arms, the doctors report on her reason for her stay. He knows everything that's wrong with her.

He also knows she was getting better before she... tried.

It's tried because she didn't succeed.

If she was successful... I'd take a trip to Italy.

I can also understand why she was so afraid to hope. Hope meant it could be crushed.

I had to hope... but it was a dangerous game.

Yes, she was right. This world is a Walking Nightmare.

The... Revelation she gave me before... trying hasnt gone unoticed. I told Carlisle. He found out it was the same men we imprisoned. Escaped from prison. This time, he killed rather than arrest. The police wanted "Dead or Alive" And we delivered "Dead"

Months too late.

I pace the room, almost never stopping. I murmur words of encouragement and plead for her to return.

I don't touch her. It's not... entirely because those men... what those men did. Part of it is because of how this all started. One mistake. One rule broken. One brush of her hand, and we spiraled down a pit kf darkness and Nightmares.

Look but don't touch.

Comfort, but don't fix.

Smell but don't drink.

Its been a month and a few weeks since I've last hunted. It doesn't matter. Her sent still burns.

Just like my dead heart does. Burns with pain.


I walk past her still form. Still. Like me. Like my family. It's wrong... unatural.

Just like It's wrong of me to be so near. My throat aches for her blood. My heart aches to kiss her. My mind tries to hold them both back.

Look, but don't touch.

Comfort, but don't fix.

Smell, but don't drink.

The priorities are revesed... The order of priorites should be...

Don't kill her.

Don't change her.

Don't kiss her.

I had to be good. I had to master self control. I would be good. I could master self control. All for my Bella.

The ac kicked in at the wrong moment, wafting her strong scent to me. I froze, battling myself.

Smell, but don't drink.

Smell, but dont drink.

Comfort, but don't fix.

I forgot about the last one. Before I could stop myself, I was kissing her.

Her heart rate accelerated dramatically, skipping beats and stuttering. Carlisle rushed in at a human pace, and I quickly pulled away.

"What happened?" He demanded, though not rudely.

"I kissed her." I stated, scared I had done some irriversable damage. Carlisle relaxed, and it happened again-

My world seemed to go in slow motion, yet so fast.

Her deep brown eyes that could capture me away for days stared right back at me.