Author's Note: Bitches, I'm back with this piping hot new chapter. Hope y'all like it!
Warning: feelings ahead. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Disclaimer: I'm not the owner of anything. If anything, I'm sure Meyer would not approve of all the dirty things I have planned for her lovely characters.
It wasn't an easy fight.
The massive black wolf pounced with the type of expertise that could only be achieved with time, legs bent and sharp eyes. He had the undisputable advantage of level-headedness — seeing as Paul was the instigator and furious part in their brawl — which forced Paul to use twice as much force behind his attacks, although he couldn't find it in himself to care too much. He was beyond pissed and Sam was the perfect target for his aggression. Fighting someone who was inside your head was something Paul couldn't get used to, no matter how often it happened to him. It was almost like punching and being punched at the same time; like thinking about a move and seeing your body preparing itself for the stance; like watching the whole thing from an outsider perspective and wondering what exactly was going on. It was insane. Madness.
There he was, trying to protect his thoughts while bitting a chunk of Sam's middle so that his alpha couldn't see past his anger, but at the same time, knowing that it was an impossible task. There was no real privacy — not even a credible illusion of it. After years of being a pack member, Paul knew how useless his efforts would be. And yet, somehow, he couldn't find it in himself to give in. To give up.
Perhaps Sam did know why Paul was fuming at the world, or why it was so easy to direct such anger to him as opposed to anybody else; however, if he chose to acknowledge that, if he did not keep up the pretense of holding on to a superficial hate, then things were bound to get deep. Emotional. And Paul tried as had as possible to evade deeper conversation.
Slowly, as if it were running through mud, the nagging question began to emerge into his mind: why was Sam entertaining him? As an alpha, he could end the fight with a single command that Paul would have no choice but to obey. Not only that, but Sam wasn't a particularly violent individual — he was much more inclined to talk and listen than to exchange punches and bites. There wasn't a rational reasoning for him to be rolling around the woods with Paul, getting more hurt by the minute.
'Perhaps that's the way I found to talk to you,' his alpha thoughts responded to his internal questions instantly, almost instinctively.
'Fuck off,' Paul responded; glad to be in a perfect position to give him an answering shove that pushed him a few meters away.
He could feel Sam's self-satisfaction at being proven correct by his answer — Paul did answer better to physical acts than he ever did to words. As the pack's alpha, it was Sam's duty to know each and every member and the way they worked — it would be impossible to coordinate them otherwise.
It irked Paul to be so predictable, but it wasn't like he could change the way he functioned just to annoy Sam. Besides, he was too busy to care about any of that; or, at least, that's what he told himself. He also strongly considered shifting back only to punch Sam's smug face.
'I know you're angry that we didn't catch the leech,' Sam cut through his thoughts. 'You know I want to kill her, but I cannot put the pack in danger to do so faster. As the alpha, my priority is the pack — always.'
'Your priority should be to protect the people in these lands. We heal,' Paul protested, feeling his anger resurge harder as he finally allowed the thoughts to run freely around his head.
'We can't heal from death.'
'It was one leech, for fuck's sake. One fucking leech, Sam! There were enough of you to catch her if you had done your goddamn job properly.'
'We believe she has a gift for evasion, Paul. The way she toes the border… it's almost as if she knows they are there. She jumped into the water when we got too close — you've seen it.'
'I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!' he lost it, jumping on top of his alpha and growling loudly. 'Bella is in danger as long as that bitch is still alive. I trusted you to lead the pack to her and get the job done, these apologies mean nothing.'
'I'm not apologizing. I did what I had to do to protect the pack,' he explained calmly, not submitting but not moving to shake Paul off him either. It was a show of control on his part — he either trusted his abilities enough to be able to protect himself even if Paul did decide to attack him or didn't believe Paul to be capable of challenging his dominance. 'Bella is an imprint — I'll do whatever I can to protect her, Paul, even lay my life for her if necessary, but I won't put the whole pack in danger just to kill a leech faster. That's my decision as the alpha.'
'Bella could be killed. Bella could die. Bella could get hurt. Bella could leave him.' The thoughts went through his mind quickly in succession, leaving Paul dizzy as he considered the possibility of losing his mate. He wouldn't be able to stand that. Losing Bella would be too much.
'She's not going to die,' Sam interrupted his cycle of despair, nudging his muzzle with his in a surprisingly affectionate act. 'Bella is alive and she's not going anywhere. We'll catch the leech, Paul.'
Paul thought about Bella. It was difficult not to feel unbalanced with her around — it didn't even matter if she was physically near or not, her mere existence was what shifted all of his previous paradigms. She was the owner of all the scenarios running through his mind.
It had been almost a week since he had had the brilliant idea of taking Bella to watch his class while the boys went after the bloodsucker. Having his mate there, watching his every move as he taught a whole class how to fight was an experience Paul hadn't been ready for. He had wanted to drop the persona of the serious teacher and fight every person in the room just to establish his dominance to her; he had wanted her eyes to stay glued to him — and only him; he had wanted to shield her from the appreciative looks of the men in his class; he had wanted to look good for her. Since when did Paul feel insecure when it came to his body?
The urge to whine was huge. Sam's words alongside his own confusing feelings left Paul feeling raw inside in a way that was still so damn new to him. Since the day he had laid his eyes on Bella Swan, Paul's life had become a roller-coaster of feelings, where one day he would be fine and the next he would be on top of Sam, fighting off the urge to whine and accept comfort like a pup.
Before he could act on those urges, Paul got off of Sam, pacing around in circles as he tried to calm himself down enough to go inside the house, where he could hear his mate talking to the boys quietly. Thankfully, she came alone, straight from Forks, thinking Jake would be at Emily's house already. Paul didn't need any more annoyances in his life at the moment.
'Go,' Sam suggested — not ordered. 'Go see Bella. You'll feel much better once you do so.'
Paul wanted to but at the same time…
'You know, fighting the imprint is a terrible choice,' his alpha added, after a moment of silence.
'I'm sick and tired of people telling me how to handle the imprint. It's my imprint; I'll handle it.'
'You've seen the imprints happening around you, Paul, and you've also seen how useless it is to pretend to ignore it. This is for life — it won't go away.'
'I've seen Jared and Kim, who both jumped into bed as soon as Jared finally learned she existed, and Quil with his infant. That's it.' Paul said, quite bitter.
'Well, there's Emily and me.'
'When I shifted you were together already,' Paul protested, even though it was a crappy ass excuse and he was aware of it. He had seen the whole dark story of Sam's bond going through his mind a couple of times — when his walls had been down for a reason or the other. Even if he had lived it alongside his alpha, he wouldn't have been able to understand his pain as thoroughly as he did by being inside his mind.
'I was a fool, trying to fight the bond for as long as I did,' Sam admitted, his thoughts tinged with the same old sadness it always had when the subject was his early imprint. 'I should've just explained to Emily what it meant to be part of an imprint earlier… maybe shifted in front of her or something. Anything other than the groveling I did at her door in hopes she would notice me the ordinary way.'
'You were her cousin's fiancée,' Paul tried to joke, but the words fell flat as he choked a little with the feelings bleeding from Sam.
'Ex fiancée,' he corrected bitterly. 'I'm not saying she didn't have the motives to hate me — she did. And by trying to respect and protect her I only succeeded in hurting her beyond my wildest imagination. Emily could've left me — should've left me, perhaps – but somehow she chose to stay, and I couldn't be more grateful to her than I am, but I also know that she wishes I had done things differently. I had no one to teach me, no one to tell me how it should be done, it was all terribly confusing and overwhelming… being a wolf, ending a relationship, falling in love, imprinting.'
It was all showing: the pain, the rejection, the fear, the confusion, the anger, the shift, the pain, the blood, the scars…
'Please, stop,' Paul pleaded, closing his eyes in hopes that it would also stop the flow of images running through his mind. Sam's pain and regret were a never-ending pit where one could get lost for eternity if they didn't have a strong enough line connecting them to the tangible world. And even though Paul did, indeed, have a titanium line connecting him, it was still more than he was prepared to bear when he already carried all the weight from his own unresolved bond.
Like a switch, Sam's walls went up instantly, protecting Paul's mind from the darkness of his memories and guilt. Paul breathed deeply — as if tasting the clean air for the first time.
'I'm sorry,' Sam sounded more than a little broken. 'I hadn't meant to… It wasn't my intention to show so much.'
'How can you live with yourself?' Paul wondered.
'Emily wants me still, she needs me. I couldn't leave her even if I wanted to,' he explained. 'That's what I'm trying to tell you: It's not about you. Forget about being in charge and focus on Bella. Your life will only be miserable if you keep trying to decide for her without actually telling her anything.'
'Jacob-'
'Jacob's feelings will begin to fade with time; it's useless to deny it. He already knows it, even though he's being an idiot about the whole thing. You're using him as an excuse to keep your distance, but it won't help for much longer — the sooner you realize it, the better.'
Had Paul been using Jacob's feelings for Bella as an excuse to avoid spending more time with her? Was it easier to pretend Jacob would be able to make her happy than to face his own demons and try to step up and be the one to make her happy?
'Go be with your mate, Paul. I'll wait for my gashes to close before going in.'
Paul finally noticed the damage he had done to Sam's form. Blood was running from more than one place in his body, and his shoulders looked somewhat bent to the side. He had lost it bad.
'Sam, I-'
'Forget about it,' he interrupted, although the feeling leaked through the bond nevertheless. 'It's how you operate, we all know it. I'll be fine in a couple of minutes. Don't tell Emily about it and we'll be cool.'
Paul smiled a wolf grin. That he could do.
'Fine,' he agreed, preparing himself to shift back. 'Not promising anything about the food, though, so hurry the fuck up.'
'It's okay,' he confessed. 'Emily always keeps some for me.'
It was sick, but the confession made Paul's ache for someone who would do the same for him.
When Paul entered the room, he realized his mate had all the boys hooked in a conversation about the pack. They all turned to look at him as he walked into the room, instantly going to sit in the empty chair beside Bella, leaning close to her.
"Look who graced us with his presence," Embry mocked.
"The furry Hulk himself," Quil added, like the asshole he was.
He ignored them all, only watching his mate with attention — still burning from his previous conversation with Sam and needing to be connected to his imprint.
"Best part of being a wolf," Bella asked him, smiling in anticipation. Resting her chin on her hand, she looked like the picture of the attentive listener.
"Easy, the speed," his brother began, opening his arms to welcome Kim into his lap when she came back with a huge platter of sandwiches.
Paul wasted no time and grabbed two before the boys devoured them all. He paused to give one to Bella, shoving the thing into her surprised hands and giving her a stern look as an incentive for her to eat it. When she tried to give it back, Paul turned away and promptly ignored her.
"The strength," he took the chance to answer before busying his mouth with food.
"No way, Jared's right in this one, man, it's the speed," Embry said with his mouth around the sandwich in a frankly disgusting manner.
"Ugh, that's gross," Kim said, frowning her nose in disgust.
Embry shrugged, not fazed by the reproof written in Emily's face as she also moved to sit on the table. Like Kim, she arranged a big plate of food on the table before getting comfortable.
"Getting hot is not so bad," Quil leered, flexing his bicep.
"You're still an ugly ass," Embry deadpanned. "Good try, though."
"Like you're one to say. You goddamn ugly vase."
"At least I'm not still a goddamn virgin," Embry teased, raising his eyebrows.
Paul didn't bother holding back the laughter as Quil stuttered in protest.
"It's so unfair that such gorgeousness is wasted in idiots like you," Kim complained, shaking her head in fake disappointment. "What I wouldn't do with those muscles..."
"What would you do? Lazy even harder on the couch as you watch Netflix?" Jared questioned incredulous, poking her ribs.
Kim narrowed her eyes in betrayal.
"You-"
"Drag your feet even more as you get up to grab ice cream?"
"I'll have you know-"
"Procrastinate two times as much to get up from the bed in the mornings?"
"You are a horrible human being," she proclaimed, trying to get up from his lap but failing to escape from his tight grip around her middle.
"Yet you love me. What does that say about you, my love?"
"Pretty sure she hit her head quite hard as a child," Paul said. "It would explain quite a lot."
"Oh, shut up, you asshole," she complained, pouting at Jared. "See what you did?"
Jared instantly turned to face him with a serious look, "Don't mock her. Only I can do that."
"Not really what I was going for, but I'll take it," Kim laughed as Paul rolled his eyes at his brother.
"Man, you're pathetic," Paul proclaimed, leaning forward to grab Quil's sandwich from his hands as the fucker paid attention to their banter.
Paul figured it was only fair he stole from Quil of all people. He was more annoying than any of the others, with his constant bad porn stash and lazy dirty jokes.
"Give me back my sandwich!" he demanded, squeaking in surprise. "I mean it, man, if you don't I'll sell your firstborn. Don't try me."
Paul heard Bella's quiet laughter beside him and decided to tease his pack mate a little longer — if only to draw out more of those sounds from her. It was so rare to see his mate allowing herself to enjoy the moment without it being ruined by some memory from the disgusting leeches.
"You're going to sell my kid over a sandwich? That's just not right," Paul said, shaking his head before taking a slow bite of the bread next to his mouth. "Where's the brotherhood, bro?
"No!" Quil cried. "Clearly you lack boundaries, so I must use the weapons I have. Now give it back."
Taking pity on the guy, Paul decided to give it back. Not before he pretended to throw it at him, though. It was only fair to tease him a little more — Quil certainly deserved it.
"You're trying my patience, Lahote."
"Can we go back to my question?" Bella asked, in between bites of her own sandwich. Paul kept checking to see how much of it she would eat. How much was enough to feed a girl as small as Bella?
"Ohh, bossy. Good luck, Paul," Quil teased, instantly making Paul regret being fair to him before. Making that type of joke in front of Bella was a big sick move even for him.
Paul glared at the idiot, not turning to meet the questioning stare Bella sure had aimed his way. He wasn't ignoring her, just refusing to explain, but damn if the bond didn't tug a little harder in punishment straight away. It wasn't nearly enough to change his mind but paired with his need to give Bella anything she wanted, it made his head spin a little at the feeling.
"Shut up, you inbred fucker."
"I don't get what more can be said about it. I've already said that the best part is the looks — and if one of the boys pretends it's anything other than the easiness of getting laid, they're lying." Quil continued, ignoring the murderous looks Paul kept throwing his way but scooting his chair a little further away nevertheless as he stretched his body.
"Not everyone was an ugly motherfucker before the change, Quil. Some of us actually got pussy without the added help."
"I'm sure you were attractive before, honey; don't pay attention to what Embry says, he's just a mean little man," Emily cooed, rubbing his arm in comfort.
She should've known better than to think one could shake Quil's self-confidence so easily.
"Nothing little about me, babe," He said, wagging his eyebrows suggestively.
"Sam will burst your ass," Jared warned.
Paul took the opportunity to kick the leg of his chair with enough force to knock it down, forcing Quil to jump back as to not fall on his ass on the floor.
"Hey!" Emily called out, pursing her lips in reproof at Embry's uncontrolled laughter. "I'll kick you out of my house, I mean it. I've already said that I don't want none of that in my kitchen — last week you guys broke my ceramic bowl."
"Goddamn ugly bowl anyway," Embry whispered.
"What did you say?" Emily asked, deceivingly calm.
"Me? Nothing, nothing," he quickly denied, shying away at Emily's unusual serious expression. Paul didn't blame him — Emily was weird with her kitchen stuff.
"Okay, but what about the mental bond you guys share? How does that work?" his mate tried again, making Paul wonder what was it that made her so curious about the pack.
"What about it?" he asked, ready to give her an answer but unsure about the best way to do so.
"It's shit," Quil summed up.
"Yes, it's shit, especially when you have to share it with an idiot like Quil," Paul confirmed, smirking at the asshole.
"Well, now I'm gonna have to defend my buddy here. His porn is top shit," Embry said, shrugging at Paul's incredulous stare. He had to be fucking with them.
"Oh, shut up Embry. No one can stand Quil's fucked up kinks anymore. And that thing with the car wasn't such a big deal, grow up," he said, grabbing a cookie and eating it in a single perfect bite.
"What do you mean, it wasn't a big deal? It was epic! Man, that girl opened her legs almost one-hundred and eighty-"
"So what? Some girls so that and it's not that big of a deal-"
"Not that big of a deal? Are you kidding-" The kid cried out in protest, waving his arms in demonstration like an idiot.
"Guys, not this again," Kim pleaded, sighing in defeat.
"-me? It was amazing! I could almost see-"
Emily groaned heavily in her seat.
"Whatever, man," Paul dismissed, not willing to continue that conversation any longer. It was enough that he was forced to see it every time he shifted with Quil, he shouldn't have to suffer through discussions of it when he was in human form.
Paul saw Bella's puzzled face and had to contain a laugh from bursting from his lips. Apparently, baby Jake was shielding Bella from the pack's dynamics, so, instead, she got the full-on crash course with them.
"They sometimes forget that not everyone knows what they're talking about all the time," Kim explained, beyond used to all of it.
Jared shrugged in response, looking unrepentant about the whole business.
"It's weird," he admitted. "We get so used to knowing each other's thoughts that it gets irrelevant to repeat or explain some things."
"You really hear all that the others are thinking?" Bella asked, holding Paul's gaze in hers.
"We don't hear; we see," Paul explained, trying not to wince at how creepy it sounded. "Our minds become a collective thing. We see what the others are seeing and go through their thoughts as if it was our own. Sam has a little more autonomy, as the alpha, but the rest of us are afforded very little privacy."
She seemed contemplative at that, her eyes wandering behind his head as she digested his words.
"I can see how that would be complicated sometimes," was all she said.
"You have no idea," Paul stated darkly, forcing himself not to glare at her as his thoughts began to wander away to his personal life, which he still struggled so damn hard to hide from the others.
When her eyes connected with his once again, Paul had to force himself not to react to the amount of compassion swimming in those perfect chocolate eyes. She seemed to understand all he wanted to say, even though it wasn't clear in his own mind what he could ever say to her in order for her to grasp the big ol' mess that was his life.
Deciding that maybe he should be focusing more on the actions and less on the words, he said:
"There are some good parts. Wanna see?"
AN2: Don't forget to leave a review! Xoxo
