After consulting the Maurders map for Luna Lovegood's location, Harry walked into an almost empty classroom to find Luna bent over a long parchment, her quill scratching neatly. Luna's observations and comments often drove people's perceptions of her but Harry had always known that Luna Lovegood was definitely well-sorted into Ravenclaw. Luna easily saw things others missed and she was never unkind about her knowledge.
Luna's look of serious concentration as she wrote her paper contrasted with her unkempt appearance and long, tangled hair. Her Ravenclaw patterned robe shifted with her arm movements and Harry could see the occasional gleam of the badge declaring her a prefect of her house.
"Most people do homework in the library, you know," Harry finally said letting Luna know of his presence.
Luna gave a small laugh, her quill not pausing scratching at her parchment. "It's too loud there, it's much nicer in here isn't it?"
Harry thought of Madam Pince's war on noise. He responded doubtfully, "Hmm. I suppose."
Luna dipped her quill back into her ink pot and turned to face him, not smiling exactly, but there was a subtle happiness about her. Harry envied that a little bit. Even though terrible things had happened to her, Luna seemed to skate on the surface of things, never falling into the dark depths that Harry frequently found himself trapped in.
"Did you look for me for a long time?" She paused after asking as if hearing his response even though he didn't speak. "I see, well that's good anyway."
Luna was so normally abnormal, hearing an answer he hadn't given. How could she manage to be so unaffected? Harry couldn't stop himself from starting to ask, "Why are you…" He stopped, the words escaping him.
Luna's silvery blue eyes crinkled a little and she stood up to approach him in the middle of the empty classroom her eyes inspecting the air above his head. "You look like you're getting a little better I think, Harry."
Harry looked away from her strangely knowing eyes and his gaze went to the tall windows on the far side of the classroom that looked out onto the black lake. "How could you bear to touch Malfoy after everything?"
Luna followed his impulsive question without a pause, accustomed from her own thoughts to following nonsequiturs. Her hand reached out and touched his chest lightly, "Our history makes us who we are, but it does not define us."
Harry gently knocked her hand away. "Malfoy had you in a bloody dungeon Luna."
"We all make mistakes."
Harry could feel the tension making his jaw clench. She seemed so flippant about what had to have been horrifying. He responded sharply despite his efforts to keep his voice even. "What mistakes have you made?"
Her bright gaze darkened and Harry opened his mouth to apologize, but Luna spoke before he could. "I let my mother die."
"Luna—"
"Don't ask questions if you don't want the answers, Harry Potter." Luna cut him off continuing. "I was watching her do her experiment when I was nine, you see. There was a voice inside me saying I should stop her in here." Luna brought her hand to her sternum, pressing hard. "But she told me to stay back and not to interrupt and so I didn't listen. I obeyed my mother."
"I'm sorry, Luna."
"Now, I listen." Her eyes inspected the air around him again. "Don't be sorry, Harry, I forgave myself. I know I will see my mother again and I want to be joyful when I see her. Not full of blame and regret."
Harry shook his head at Luna. "You did nothing wrong, you were a little kid listening to your parent."
Luna smiled at him and Harry could practically hear the words whispered in her voice.
Malfoy was a little kid listening to his parents.
"You're wrong," Harry told her flatly. There has to be some accountability. Malfoy hadn't been a nine-year-old.
"Sometimes," Luna admitted easily. "And when I am, I learn from it."
"You're as difficult to argue with as Hermione."
Luna's eyes widened, giving her a slightly crazed look. "You argue with Hermione?"
"You're impossible," Harry muttered to himself sticking his hands into his pockets to find a piece of parchment that contained the schedule he had meant to discuss with Luna before they had gotten off track into this bizarre conversation.
Luna practically blushed, as if he had given her a compliment. "Thank you."
Harry ignored that. "Have there been any other problems we need to know about for scheduling? Or any students we need to follow up with?"
"Not anything that the prefects can't handle themselves in their own houses."
"Not even with—"
"Not even with Slytherin."
Harry unfolded the parchment carefully smoothing out the edges and revealing Hermione's neatly organized writing of the schedule of patrols for the next month. He fiddled with the paper for a long minute in silence before handing it to Luna.
Luna wasn't as close to him as Ron or Hermione. Harry thought Luna did care for him as a friend, but not in the same way that bound Hermione and Ron to him. And so it was strangely easy to admit what he thought to Luna, unlike Healer Purvis, unlike even Hermione or Ron. "I blame myself for – for —" Harry paused thinking. "For everything."
Luna reached out for the parchment, turning away from him and laying it carefully by her half-written essay. "You know what I've always admired about you?"
"What?"
"That you let yourself change your mind instead of staying stuck in the same thinking." Luna reached for her satchel that was on the floor by the desk she had been writing on. She rummaged around in it for a moment before turning to Harry with a small gold-wrapped offering. "Would you like a chocolate? You'll feel better."
Harry took the small bit of chocolate, unwrapped it, and popped it into his mouth while regarding Luna. She smiled at him and unwrapped her own piece of chocolate. "Professor Lupin used to do this, remember?"
"Yeah." Despite disagreeing with Luna, despite still blaming himself, a feeling of peace slowly crept into Harry as he ate his chocolate. Luna smiled cheerfully at him, rocking back on her heels, humming under her breath.
"You know what I've always admired about you?" Harry asked.
Luna stopped intrigued. "What?"
"You're always you, no matter what."
"It's hard sometimes."
Harry crumbled the tiny wrapper into a ball and spied a rubbish bin in the front corner. With a snap of his hand, he sent the small bit of rubbish flying toward the bin. Score. "Yeah, it is."
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The corridors were quiet as Hermione walked slowly down them, not looking right or left just straight ahead. She knew there was no one out and about as curfew approached, the map was tucked securely in her pocket but she still went on her patrols. A part of her felt like using the map was cheating, and she just couldn't bring herself to shirk her duties.
Her feet made no sound as she walked down the wide dark stone corridors of Hogwarts. The people in the pictures on the walls shifted watching her go past, some of them whispering amongst themselves but none speaking to her. Her robes moved softly, the same as her footfalls. Hermione remembered trying to sneak through these corridors as a twelve-year-old girl, and how hard it had seemed to keep quiet.
Age and war guided Hermione now. Her steps were effortlessly silent, only the barest whisper of sound as she passed due to the rustle of her robes. There was no big-eared Mrs. Norris, with an angry Mr. Filch on her arse now.
Hermione thought she could hear the echo of her own breathing, a bit too loud, and the subtle thumps of her heart. The quiet started to unnerve her and it felt like she was completely alone in the castle even though she knew that was false. All she had to do was pull out the map and see everyone all nice and tucked in their common rooms for the night.
Still, a frisson of fear at the thought of being alone went up her back and her hand twitched against her side. She tried to shake the panicky feeling off and started silently mouthing the protection charms she had been reading.
Protego Ugente.
Protego Diabolica.
Protego—
A phantom cackle echoed along the dark corridor and a pain ran up her forearm from where Bellatrix had cut her at Malfoy Manor. Hermione shook her head determinedly, that had been her imagination. Her muscles tensed as she tried to throw off the intrusive thoughts but the tension made her scars pull like they were yanking against her skin. Hermione's throat tightened, and her steps quickened.
I'm not alone.
I'm not alone.
Everyone's here. Her eyes darted around the dark corridor noticing that all the portraits were disturbingly empty, there were not even their low whispers to alleviate the threatening silence. Her heart skipped a beat and she struggled to draw in a breath. But her chest was too tight to allow any air in and her gasps echoed eerily along the corridor.
Her footfalls quicked and made light sounds against the stone floor as she broke into a run toward the headrooms. A painful spasm clutched her side, a burning sensation radiating outward from the strange red slash that marked the impact of the curse from Dolohov in fifth year.
"It's not real." She gasped to herself in a strangled voice as she reached the door. The phantom pains made her fumble awkwardly to get the door open. As the door swung inward Crookshanks practically smashed into her chest as the cat tried to launch himself into her arms sensing her agitation. Hermione lost her balance from the impact and stumbled.
"Hermione, Crookshanks—" Harry cut off jumping off the sofa and rushing toward where Hermione looked to be teetering backward. Her face was pale and her eyes were wide as she gasped for air. Harry grabbed Hermione steadying her and Crookshanks rumbled with a purring that sounded like a blender on the blitz against her chest. Hermione clutched her cat with a white-knuckled grip.
"What's wrong? What happened?" Harry asked his grasp firm and reassuring on her upper arms.
I'm not alone.
Harry's here. The phantom pains from her wounds faded, but her head felt like it was being squeezed like a lemon. Her skin was too tight for her skull. Hermione brought up a shaky hand to her temple, trying to give Harry a reassuring smile.
Hermione wished the headaches were as easy to deal with as the phantom pains. "Just have a headache, that's all."
Harry wrapped her and Crookshanks in his arms, ignoring the cat's disgruntled mew. Harry could feel the slight tremble of her body and her head tilted forward slightly, into the curve of his neck. "Did someone bother you? Say something to you?"
Tension gathered in his muscles as he thought of anyone upsetting her. He would walk with her on patrols from now on just in case. He should have done that in the first place, Harry berated himself as Hermione slowly calmed down in his arms.
"No, I just…" Her voice was muffled, her lips moving against his neck when she didn't lift her head to respond to him.
Harry tried to ignore the sensation that streaked through him. Focus. "Hermione-"
Crookshanks gave a warning growl to both of them letting them know he was not going to put up with getting squished between them for much longer.
"Sorry, Crookshanks." Hermione pulled back from him letting her cat jump to the floor, satisfied that his owner no longer need him.
Harry inspected her face, and she was still too pale, her cheeks reddening a little bit as she stared at him. "What happened Hermione?"
She cleared her throat, her hand still tight on her wand. "I'm a bit thirsty maybe–"
"I'll get you some pumpkin juice and a headache potion," Harry said walking towards the small area to the back of their common room with cabinets.
Hermione moved towards the sofa. "Oh but really I don't need any–"
"Yes, you do." Harry cut her off firmly handing her the potion first. "Please."
Hermione grimaced and tipped up the dry bitter brew. It acted faster than a muggle pill but Hermione swore it tasted like liquified aspirin with a sprinkling of chalk. She didn't want to worry Harry further though so she drank it without complaint, and then accepted the pumpkin juice gratefully to wash away the taste.
"Thank you," Harry said taking away the potion and putting it on the coffee table in front of the couch. "Now. Tell me what happened."
Hermione shrugged, rubbing her palms on her thighs to get rid of the dampness. "Nothing."
Harry pointed at Crookshanks who yowled at him. "Even Crookshanks knew something was wrong."
Hermione looked at Crookshanks who walked over and leaped back into her lap. "I just— I just— I don't like it when it's too quiet." Crookshanks started purring, his eyes half-slitted as he stared at Harry from Hermione's lap.
Harry gazed at her thoughtfully trying to figure out what had happened. "Your favorite place is still the library."
Hermione's shoulders hunched a little bit as she explained further quietly her fingers running through Crookshanks fur. "I'm okay with other people, it's when I think I'm alone. Without anyone and it's like I told you before, I get scared and then I get headaches."
"I'm always here for you."
"I know but I can't depend on—"
"Hermoine." He couldn't let her finish that sentence. He'd have to kick his own arse. "Look at me."
Her eyes were a little glazed from the pain-relief properties of the headache potion, but he could still see the fear lurking in her expression. Harry sat next to her and leaned toward her, his hand coming up to cup the back of her head so she didn't look away. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm here for you and I'm never, never leaving you alone again, no matter what."
Hermione shrugged staring up at him a little sadly. "That's not really fair of me to put that burden on you. I'll handle it."
Harry leaned closer, their noses almost touching as he continued to cradle the back of her head. "You're not a burden. You're my best friend."
"You're my best friend too."
"I won't mess up again, Hermione. You can trust me."
Hermione closed the small distance between them, resting her forehead against his, and closed her eyes with a small sigh. "You didn't mess up. You had your own things to handle."
"I want to handle your things."
Hermione pulled back and they looked at each other before snickering. "Dork." She joked, trying to lighten the mood.
"You know what I mean." Harry pulled back, slouched against the back of the sofa, not taking his eyes off Hermione.
Hermione sighed and also turned to her side so she was leaning against the couch too, facing Harry. "This isn't something you need to rescue me from, Harry."
"I got an O in rescuing. I'm pretty good at it."
"I'm not in need of rescuing."
"Then what about needing a friend?"
Hermione stared at his determined eyes and knew that arguing with him was pointless. She didn't even want to argue with him, so that made it even more impossible. She wanted Harry with her to keep the loneliness away. It had hurt when Harry hadn't responded to her letters. When he had bailed on the picnic and then not shown up at the platform the first day back.
"I'm sleepy." She said instead ignoring his question.
Harry kept her gaze for a tense moment before he let out a slow breath and stood up, holding his hand out to her. "Let's go to bed then."
The routine of getting ready for bed with Harry was immensely soothing, and Hermione climbed into bed next to him scooting into the curve of his arms.
"I don't think I could fall asleep without you now," Hermione whispered into the darkness.
Harry shifted curling a bit closer, his face against the back of her neck, feeling the soft skin under his lips. "You won't have to."
Hermione squeezed her eyes shut, preventing herself from asking more from him than she should. Promise?
As if he heard her unspoken plea Harry cuddled her closer, his voice low and husky with approaching sleep. "I promise."
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It didn't matter how much Hermione lectured herself not lean on Harry. It didn't matter because he made it irresistibly impossible.
He walked with her on patrols, he sat next to her at lunch, his arm brushing hers as they talked with their friends. He grabbed her book bag from the table before she could touch it like it was the snitch in a quidditch finals match.
Ron had been making deranged faces at her every time Harry did something to show her he could "handle her things." He wiggled his eyebrows at her like he wanted her to hex them off again. Ron didn't understand though, she thought grumpily, looking over at where Harry sat next to her on the floor of their common room reading a medical text on various diagnostic charms.
Ron was a teaspoon. In fact, they all were teaspoons - including Theo Nott with his obvious innuendos. They all thought Harry liked her — they didn't understand he just wanted to take care of her.
"What are you thinking about?" Harry asked not looking up from his text as they sat in their common room after the school day studying. Harry was on the floor leaning against the back of the sofa while she was sitting crossed-legged on it.
Hermione held up her text. "Arithmancy."
"You don't make that face when you're thinking of arithmancy."
Hermione looked at him curiously. "What face do I make when I think of Arithmancy?"
"Like this." Harry scrunched up his nose, looking like he was about to sneeze.
"Don't be a git."
Harry laughed turning back to his text. "So what were thinking about then?"
"Christmas." Hermione offered, not wanting to tell the truth.
"Oh." Harry paused. "You aren't going to the Burrow?"
Hermione spoke slowly because she hadn't really expected the question and had managed to keep from thinking about Christmas mostly. Last Christmas had been fairly horrifying with Harry recovering from his injuries and both of them alone in the forest of Dean. She wasn't looking forward to this Christmas either with her parents still missing. "Yes. Of course, I'll visit the Burrow but…only for a visit. I don't think I'll stay all day."
"Where will you stay during winter break?"
"At home I suppose."
Harry fiddled with the edge of the page in his book. "You could stay with me at Grimmauld. Kreacher and Andy helped me renovate it, it's not all creepy and dreary anymore. I'll probably have Teddy too for some of the time. Andy trusts me to take care of him." At Hermione's silence, Harry finally looked up to see her gazing at him with her lips slightly parted.
"I mean you don't have to, I know a baby- I mean he's a good baby - I know–"
"I'd love to." Hermione cut him off as the door to the headroom opened and Ron walked in.
"You'd love to what?" Ron asked he came and sat down next to her on the sofa, accidentally kicking Harry where he sat on the floor.
"Stay with Harry over winter break."
"Oh," Ron said, making his deranged face at her.
"You wiggle your eyebrows like that at me again and I will hex them off permanently." Hermione threatened.
"Sheesh," Ron muttered covering his eyebrows with his hand. "I need these things. And are you sure you want to stay with Harry? I mean it's great that you're staying with Harry but you could stay at the Burrow too."
Harry elbowed him in his shin and Ron yelped. "Look I approve of you two doing whatever you're doing here in your own special way and all but not everyone wants to put up with a screaming pooping toddler, mate."
Hermione poked Ron's cheek with her wand. "Did you just insult me?"
"Of course not, I think it's very uh –" Ron paused thinking, his hand still covering his eyebrows. "The bee's knees, y'know."
Hermione's brow wrinkled and she had an annoyed glint in her eye. "What?"
"We'll visit the Burrow, Ron. And I'll bring Teddy so your mum can see him." Harry quickly interjected as the two looked like they were going to start squabbling and he didn't want to put up with it.
"Oh, she'll love that." Ron agreed. "But uh, actually I came to ask your advice."
"Whose?" Harry and Hermione chimed almost in unison.
"Well Harry's really but I suppose you've got an opinion too."
Hermione narrowed her eyes at Ron. "Yes, I've got loads of them."
"Ah. Yes. Well. I was right then." Ron cleared his throat. "So."
Silence descended as they both looked at Ron who was turning redder as he sat there on the sofa.
"So?" Both Harry and Hermione managed to say in unison again, looking at each other with a small laugh before turning back to Ron.
Ron looked between the two of them. "Ugh. That's so … fluffy and disturbing."
"Ron," Harry said threateningly. "Get on with it. What did you want to ask?"
"Well." Ron cleared his throat again, for a longer period of time, and finally lowered his hand from protecting his eyebrows. "Um. Daphne invited me to her parents' Christmas Party."
Harry and Hermione stared at him mutely before Harry finally spoke. "Mate, you really want to go to a Slytherin Christmas Party?"
"She's not-" Ron stopped. "She wasn't-" He stopped again, shifting uncomfortably. Of the three of them, Ron had always been the one most likely to distrust someone on the basis of their being sorted into Slytherin. "They aren't all a bad sort." Ron finished finally.
Harry pointed his wand at Ron, "Inmedicos."
"What's that!" Ron yelped as the strands of Harry's magic wrapped around him and words started scrolling past his head and body too fast for him to read.
Harry looked at Hermione. "Well, he hasn't been poisoned with a love potion this time."
"Of course, I haven't!" Ron said indignantly. "I wouldn't eat anything a girl gave you even if you paid me."
Hermione bit her lip, thinking. "Well… I suppose it would actually be good for you to go."
"Really?" Ron turned to her eagerly.
Hermione nodded slowly. "The Greengrasses are part of the so-called sacred twenty-eight. No matter how small this party is - and considering most of the twenty-eight are obscenely rich – your presence would be noted. It might be a way to get people to start moving forward."
Ron hadn't considered much aside from if it would be bloody awkward if he showed up at the Greengrass Christmas party. "What do you mean– moving forward?"
Hermione looked at Harry questioningly and he shook his head at her. "I haven't told him about any of the stuff we've been getting reports on."
"What stuff?" Ron asked.
"Bullying," Hermione answered bluntly. "Majority of prefects have reported that their members are bullying Slytherins, and not just the ones that were in the war on the wrong side. The first years are getting bullied too. You becoming better friends with Daphne might help stop that behavior."
"I'm not going to her party for any of those kind of reasons. Look I don't think anyone should be bullying eleven-year-olds but some of them–" Ron cut off as he realized his voice was raising. He continued quieter. "Some of them deserve it."
There was a queer feeling moving through Harry's chest as he heard Ron say those words and saw the inflexible belief in his best mate's eyes. Luna's words to him ran through his mind.
"You know what I've always admired about you?"
"What?"
"That you let yourself change your mind instead of staying stuck in the same thinking."
"They deserve it?" Harry questioned softly. Looking at Ron, he saw his own intractability with Luna. Could they all really just move on?
"You can't just hurt people and say you're sorry and then — and then that's it!"
Harry looked away from Ron, bracing himself. "Like when you abandon your best mates in the middle of a forest?"
The room was dead silent, and Harry thought he could hear his own heartbeat. He had never before called out any wrong done to him by someone he loved. A part of him had always been afraid to test it, to risk losing them.
Ron stood up carefully and Harry still couldn't bring himself to look at him, half afraid of seeing hate in Ron's eyes.
"I was wrong when I left and I've apologized to you both. But you're fucking wrong for comparing that to what they've done– to what —to —" Ron's voice trembled and he stopped. "I'm not going about picking fights with all the people who deserve it, but you can be damn sure I'm not sorry they're suffering now!"
"When will it be enough for you?" Harry asked finally looking at him, but Ron avoided his eyes half turned away.
"Is this the shite you're learning from that mind healer? Forgive everybody? Pretend it's all okay?"
"Actually it was from speaking to Luna."
Ron sputtered for a moment, then threw his hands up in the air and stormed out, slamming the door shut.
Hermione put her arithmancy book aside and slid off the sofa to sit next to Harry on the floor, sliding her arm comfortingly around him. The silence stretched as she tried to think of what to say to Harry after that. Harry and Ron had always had a different kind of friendship than they both had with her, and it shocked her to see Harry disagreeing with Ron. Especially with such a delicate topic. In the end, she didn't comment about it all and said instead, "Maybe me, you, and Teddy can go for walks in the park if it's not too cold for him."
"Warming charms," Harry murmured absently still caught up in the confrontation with Ron.
"I always forget about those. You know I cleaned my whole house by hand when we got back because I forgot to look up cleaning spells?"
"Liar," Harry said a faint smile on his face. Crookshanks padded over to them and settled himself in Harry's lap on top of his medical book giving Harry a regal look demanding pets.
Hermione used her wand to start the small fireplace in front of them and then extinguished the brighter lights they had been using to read by. The fire crackled and Harry petted Crookshanks as Hermione stayed cuddled up to his side.
They both listened to the low sound of the fire and Crookshanks purring for a long while before Hermione asked Harry, "Do you forgive them?"
Harry stopped petting Crookshanks who gave a displeased grumble so he could reach for Hermione's hand, squeezing it lightly. "I'm trying to."
