January is a month known for lots and lots of snow. It's certainly not a time you expect to see someone wearing just boxing trunks and boots. But when you work with the WVBA, you see some strange things.

"...Soda Popinski?"

"Да, это мое имя," said the very tall man. (Yes, that's my name.) He took a photo out of hammerspace and showed it to Pierce. "Это моя жена, Ивана Кикюрассис. А это наша собака, Миттен." (This is my wife, Ivana Kycurassis. And that is our dog, Mitten.)

Pierce looked at the photo. It was of Soda Pop, a woman with wavy blonde hair, and a Samoyed dog. "Okay…well, whatever, we can get you in for your first fight tonight. 'Round here, everyone starts with ol' Joseph Beaufort."

And right on cue, Joe entered the arena, with Katrina trailing behind him. Katrina could not go to kindergarten that day because there was too much snow, so instead she was going to hang out at the arena that day. She stared up at this strange man. "Are you a giant?"

"Нет. Я просто очень высокий мужчина." (No. I am just a very tall man.) Soda Pop then turned to Joe, who was also very intimidated by his height. "Вы Джозеф?" (Are you Joseph?)

"O-oui," stammered Joe, shaking in his boots.

"Великий. Нам предстоит драться сегодня." (Great. We are going to fight today.) Soda Pop then marched off to get fitted into his gloves. Joe was certainly not looking forward to this class.


"In this corner, we have the WVBA's trooper, our unrelenting jobber, Joseph Beaufort! And in this corner, we have the fizziest of fighters, a fierce force from Moscow, Soda Popinski! Fight!"

Joe and Soda Pop began their match. The two men threw punches, dodged, and got the wind knocked out of them, like any other boxing match. However, before Joe could try and knock him down, Soda Pop hopped back and pulled from hammerspace, a green soda bottle.

"Видите ли, это секретное оружие великого Сода Попински!" (You see, this is the secret weapon of the great Soda Popinski!) He chugged the bottle's contents, and then went in for a harsh flurry of uppercuts. And down went Joe.

From there on, Joe could hardly get a punch in edgewise, because Soda Pop would either block, dodge, or just heal with his magic soda bottle. It was a long and brutal TKO.


Ты хороший противник, Джозеф," said Soda Pop upon emerging from the locker room. "Я с нетерпением жду следующей встречи на ринге." (You are a good opponent, Joseph. I look forward to our next meeting in the ring.)

Joe, still a bit uneasy from the beating, nodded and gave Soda Pop a weak "mmhmm" in response.

As the two men (and little girl) were heading out to hopefully get home before too much snow piled up, there were a trio of teenage girls gabbing about the match. One of the three, a blonde girl with twin braids, approached them. "¡Dios mío, ustedes eran tan buenos!" (Oh my god, you guys were so good!)

Joe, feeling flustered, stepped back a bit. "C'est une vie." (It's a living.)

"¿Tienes tiempo para una selfie?" (Do you have time for a selfie?) The girl gathered everyone and snapped a selfie with her smartphone.

"Oh meu Deus, Carmen, você é tão viciada em selfie," another girl laughed. (Oh my god, Carmen, you're such a selfie addict.) The three of them crowded around to make sure they all looked good in the picture.

Joe shrugged and turned to Soda Pop. "Eh bien, je suppose que je vais te voir demain." (Well, I suppose I'll see you tomorrow.)

"Я увижу тебя тогда." (I will see you then.) The two men shook hands, Joe picked Katrina up, and the three of them parted ways for the day.


Not many Punch-Out fics that introduce Carmen before Don, eh?