After the Battle of Hogwarts June exams were cancelled. This meant the previous seventh years had the option to redo the year or simply take their C.H.A.R.M.S. at the end of this one. Luna, who was kidnapped, chose to redo her entire seventh year, as did Neville, who may have simply just wanted to come back. Ginny however, may have came back for the sole intention of being with Harry, which scared him as he was not ready to continue an intimate relationship at the moment. Dean and Justin were on the run last year and chose to come back too. Draco was under so much stress last year he needed to retake the year completely. Goyle simply failed, Zabini's mother pulled him out during the war to keep him safe, and he wasn't sure why Pansy was here at all. She was a decent student, or at least he vaguely remembered her being one. It felt weird traveling class to class with them, the 'unofficial eighth years' pooling together under the shaky truce of sharing Hermione, all accepting help save Pansy.
With Ron gone, Harry was stuck with Neville and Hermione in Herbology, easily feeling like the thickest of the three. They worked circles around him, talking animatedly while he did grunt work like shoveling, cutting, pruning, or replanting at their instruction. Thankfully they didn't give him a hard time for not doing any of the thinking.
"Harry…" Neville whispered to him on their way up from the greenhouse. "Why didn't Ron come back this year? Ginny said he wanted to start work right away to impress his dad, but I can't imagine he'd miss out on all of us together again like this."
"Well," Harry said, looking away and then back at Neville, wondering how much tact he should use. "Ron's not book-smart enough to pass the C.H.A.R.M.S. easily, but he's smart enough not to take them if he doesn't have to."
"Oh, that makes sense," Neville said immediately, giving another long look at Hermione. "Can't believe he left his girlfriend at Hogwarts though."
"Why?" Harry asked.
"Well, doesn't he want to be with her? A little weird."
"I don't think it's weird. He'll 'll see her throughout the year."
"Oh, well… if I had a girlfriend, I would have come back." Even as he said this several girls watched him from behind. Maybe like Harry, Neville had to be told he was 'fanciable' now. No, he would leave that task to someone else. "Did you see the workshops list?"
"What workshops?"
"The seventh year workshops, next to the hourglasses. Seventh years can sign up for workshops, advanced magic not taught in normal classes. Transfiguration, Charms, Herbology, Ancient Runes, Divination, Defense Against the Dark Arts- they start on the Patronus but we already know how to do those. Half a day intensive workshops- advanced magic demonstrations. There's even a healing one for first aid as healing isn't taught at Hogwarts. Sprout asked me to help with hers."
"Really? Surprised Hermione hasn't told me about them yet."
"Notices just got put up this morning. Professor Sprout told me they were going up so I had a look at them."
Shuffling into Potions, Harry knew he was going to disappoint Slughorn just as much as he did at the end of sixth year. Slughorn positively gushed seeing him in his classroom again and boomed his excuses for Harry, which he appreciated, but dreaded an entire year of skirting by when Slughorn was so smitten with him just being 'Harry Potter.' He stuck close to Hermione who whispered instructions at him, but it was no use. Even Goyle's potion wasn't as bad as his, and Pansy's unorthodox aggressive stirring brought hers to the perfect color. Draco kept to himself, not really talking to anyone, he just measured and re-measured his ingredients before adding them.
Ginny, realizing Harry still wanted nothing to do with her, sat at a table with Luna, Justin, and Dean.
"Harry, my boy, no, don't add that yet!" Slughorn laughed, making his rounds, stopping Harry from adding his roots too early. "You don't add that until the end, my my, too many responsibilities for a wizard so young!" He shook his head softly. "But be careful, Aurors routinely have to brew potions, you want to pay closer attention to Miss Granger." He winked and continued his rounds.
The Slytherins packed up and left, Draco the last to go. Dean and Justin left next. Ginny packed up quickly, eyeing Harry fervently. Seeing her zero in on him, he started tossing things in his bag to get away from her, refusing to be cornered.
"NOW that we're alone…" Slughorn stepped in, blocking Harry's path with his substantial body. "I have an invitation for you all... just a little party…" Harry looked at him, mortified. The last thing he wanted to do this entire year was to go to a party. "No, don't give me that look, Harry, this is important," he waived a finger at him. "You'll be starting at the Ministry soon, and if your potions continue to look like that one, you'll need the connections my dear boy. I do insist you come. And of course, Miss Granger, Miss Lovegood, and... Miss Weasley must come. And please extend this invitation to Mr. Longbottom."
"What about Malfoy?" He didn't know what made him say it, it just tumbled out of his mouth.
"Malfoy?" Slughorn blinked thoughtfully. "Well, I'm sure he's busy with his studies…"
"I was at his hearing. He didn't deserve to be there and his dad's in Azkaban. I think he could use a party to get his mind off things."
"Harry… you're always surprising me. My word, coming into my potions class, conjuring up poison, then asking for favors," the laugh did not match his eyes.
"Sir, I think Draco should be there. Narcissa saved my life and helped end the war." He stared at him expectantly, daring him to say no. And he didn't.
"Well, then," he laughed jovially again. "I will extend an invitation to Mr. Malfoy then. Yes, yes, I think I will," and his eyes looked thoughtful like maybe this was a good idea after all. "So, does that mean you will attend then?"
No. "Of course, sir." Hermione looked at him, shocked. "It wouldn't hurt to meet some new people."
"Oh HO! Harry Potter, future Auror. And your friend, Westly, he is at the Ministry as we speak, is that right?"
"Weasley, remember sir? And yes. Already placed with Dawlish."
"Well, my boy, and ladies. I look forward to having you at my little party... I will send invitations out officially after the 1st Hogsmeade weekend. And that wand, Miss Lovegood! One of Ollivander's new creations, I must see it! Magical craft does change after a dramatic event in one's life. Tell me now, how does it handle?"
While Slughorn was eyeing Luna's new wand, Harry took the opportunity to make himself scarce, Hermione rushing to keep up. As he slipped out the door Ginny looked thunderstruck he would run away from her like a child.
"Harry, that was a nice thing you did back there."
"Was it?" he scoffed. "Not sure why I did it. He's at least going to pass potions this year, unlike me."
"You just have to study more," she reminded him, readjusting the contents of her bag while they walked. "It's lovely today, why don't we study out in the grounds?"
"It's all rubbish, I should go straight to McGonagall and drop out now. It's the first week, I still could do it."
"No… don't… Harry…" she begged, eyeing him reproachfully for even suggesting it.
They pivoted and veered down a hallway to escape the group of third years looking to talk to Harry despite McGonagall's warnings. It was second year all over again with the whispers, the muttering, and the stares. Dark Grimmauld Place was starting to feel like a luxurious private paradise amongst all the attention. Before he could lament this out loud, he caught vibrant long hair up ahead whipping around looking for him. He caught Hermione's arm and dragged her down yet another hallway.
"Harry!" she yelled at him as she was tugged like a child.
Ginny no longer seemed hurt that he wasn't talking to her, she seemed downright furious. And according to history she wasn't above hexing an ex-boyfriend. He couldn't even look at her now, as she looked like the angriest of the Slytherins and equally as fierce. This hurt him to his core. He didn't want her to hate him, not to mention Mrs. Weasley or the rest of the family for hurting her. It felt like an impossible situation.
He must have looked extra depressed because Hermione was studying him on their way outside. "Harry, everyone understands… you don't need to do anything right now…"
"She hates me." The nice weather hit them- sunny and warm, but it did nothing for his mood.
"She doesn't hate you, Harry. She's upset you won't talk to her."
Ginny's hair whipping around flashed in his memory and felt sick by the look of revulsion she gave him as he dashed out of Potions.
"Why don't we visit Hagrid? He's been wondering when we'd stop down," she said brightly.
"No… not today… maybe later."
"…You can't avoid everyone forever. The students maybe, but… why don't we set a date to see Hagrid? Next week?"
"I'll go and see him, I promise," he said unconvincingly.
"Harry," she clutched her book to her chest, preparing herself for this speech. "I don't think you realize you're setting me up to make excuses for you."
"Then stop! I never asked you to do that!"
"Of course I have to! We're all worried about you and you're ignoring everyone! Harry, I get it, you need time, and you deserve time, and I CAN reassure everyone, but… seeing Hagrid is the ONLY thing I've asked for. AND I think it will cheer you up!"
"No," he said firmly, not looking at her. "I don't think it will, thanks. And I don't need cheering up. I will see him. Some other day."
Hermione went quiet, frustrated. Angry.
"So, I'm scaring everyone, am I? And I have to pretend everything's okay, do I?"
"No! But you do have to speak to people yourself, instead of using me as a social shield."
"You're the only person I can stand to be around without being pressured. Thought you'd be flattered."
"And I am. But I think you're misunderstanding Ginny. She is completely ready to be in your presence, without discussing anything. Just don't avoid her."
"Hermione, please…" Harry begged. He didn't know what he was asking for.
"If you just talk to her and tell her you need more time…"
"I DON'T need more time!" Harry yelled.
"… Oh." Hermione's shoulders stiffened and she didn't talk until they got down to the lake. "Well, if you're going to break up with her, you need to do it then," she said matter-of-factly, though cold.
"I can't!" Harry threw down his bag on the grass.
"OH yes you CAN!" Hermione snapped, opening hers. "It's the right thing to do if you're no longer interested. "
"Interested? It's more complicated than that!" Why didn't she understand? Hermione was usually so good at these things.
"I think I understand perfectly." She pulled out a quill. "You are stressed and drained and you don't want to do anything. Everything is a hassle, everything causes you discomfort, and you want to avoid all stress until you feel better."
Harry stared at the lake, frowning.
"And you believe you will feel better eventually. But you can't not do anything or people will realize how bad things have gotten for you. You don't want people to worry about you, or badger you, and you certainly don't want to miss out on all the great opportunities that were promised to you. So now you've come to Hogwarts to give yourself time, because you're not in a good place right now, and you think you can pull yourself together in the meantime."
"…Right," Harry said reluctantly.
"And now you discovered you don't want to date Ginny, and you don't know how to break up with her."
"NO!" Harry said firmly, rustling his hair. "I like her just fine! Hermione, I'm… look. It's like, I'm over here, and she's … way over there. There's this giant… tear in the earth, like we're on top of two big cliffs. I'm on one side, and she's on the other…. and I don't know how to get over there."
"You could talk to her."
"If I talk to her I'm going to make everything worse!" Why didn't she understand? All of his decisions right now were bad decisions. He didn't trust himself with anything important.
"Harry, I think it's fine that you don't want to date her anymore." She didn't sound fine. "BUT- not talking to her is not an option. I thought you were better than that."
Harry felt terrible. He didn't deserve this. Or... maybe he did deserve this. Maybe Hermione understood just fine and he was the one being a coward. She saw Grimmauld Place, she must understand.
"I know, I know, I need to talk to her," Harry said slowly, "but breaking up was not what I had in mind. I need to get where she's at, and I'm not there. And I don't know how to get there."
"Yes, but you're making it worse by keeping her in the dark."
"I know! Please, can we drop this?" he begged.
"Of course," she said coolly and started on their Potions homework. And despite the perfect weather he didn't feel like he could be tempted into writing.
"I'm going for a walk," Harry said abruptly, getting up and throwing his bag over his shoulder.
"Oh." Hermione looked hurt at this departure.
"I'll see you later." He didn't give her a backwards glance but he felt her eyes following him as he left her there.
Walking around the lake turned out to be exactly what he needed. The sun and the warm air bristling the trees made him feel… peaceful. The fact was, he DID feel better. Seeing Hogwarts again was as good as it was terrible. He was getting regular exercise walking to and from classes. And in those classes he 'felt the music' again by practicing familiar spells, his body performing automatically when his brain couldn't, stirring him awake from some stupor. The structure of his schedule helped him function, feeling the 'normalcy' in the clockwork (despite homework still being an impossible chore.) As he circled the lake he stared at Dumbledore's tomb- a fixed point in the distance. Would you be disappointed I came back to Hogwarts instead of getting on with my life? Do you think I'm a coward?
When he got to the opposite end of the lake he picked out the perfect tree and sat down under it, closing his eyes and doing nothing, feeling the warm wind and listening to the sounds of tree leaves. Sitting turned into lying, placing his backpack under his head to rest. This…. this was peace.
"Ya'll right, Harry?"
Harry opened his eyes to Hagrid's soft voice, concerned.
"Do yeh want me te come back later? I was jus' passin' through."
"No." Harry sat up, looking around at the beautiful grounds but not at Hagrid. "Nice day, isn't it."
"Yeaahhh, yeeeah. Beautiful day."
"Look," Harry said curtly. "Thank you for the birthday present. And whatever Hermione says, we're not too busy to come see you. It's me, I haven't been feeling well and…"
"I know tha' Harry. I know you've been gettin' eatin' up alive at those trials. It never ends fer yeh, does it?"
"Yeah…" Harry almost choked, "it never does."
They sat in silence.
"I just… I just wish I had some time, you know? But why do I get to ask that, when so many people are de-"
"Yeah, Harry, everyone's feelin' it. Even Grawpy's not doin' well. Hasn't been doin' well fer a month now."
"Really?" Harry said, turning, looking at Hagrid for the first time, imagining the Battle of Hogwarts and Grawp taking on giants many times his size. "Is he okay?"
"Physically, he's fine! But…. he's havin' nightmares. Sometimes he wakes up an he can't think. Seems confused like."
Harry pictured a giant having nightmares, thrashing around, shaking the ground and the trees. "That sounds awful."
"Knew you'd say that," Hagrid smiled through his beard. "It's been bad, but we'll be okay. Madam Pomfrey dosen' know what ter give him. He's a giant, fer one, an whatever she does give 'em dosen' work."
"…What are you going to do?"
"Wait... Nothin' else we can do. …Maybe with a little time he'll feel better."
"Yeah…" Harry said softly, looking back at the lake. "I'm disappointing everyone," Harry said out loud at last, desperate.
"No yer not! Yer not disappointin' anyone, Harry. Anyone who knows yeh knows that you'll be ready when it matters. You'll be there when it counts. Everything else will fall by the wayside."
Harry's eyes welled up and he nodded. And they sat together by the lake in silence watching the water.
