Virginia Astley - Futility


October 06, 1781

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...Once, giant birds lived on this earth. Think about chocobos, but three times higher, and faster! And menacing too! Not that a chocobo isn't all these things, but... well, their peck hurts. It's like a nip brought to a skinny arm. These chocobos, at least, don't share any fondness for meat. Only grass. I wear green to this day. Maybe Doyle thought that I was a moving grass.

Grass doesn't scream, although I heard once about Mandragoras, and if you pull them out of the earth, well, they scream at you. Very loud. My throat and these ears don't like screaming. Daddy says that a person only screams to be heard by another. A dog howls at the moon, but the moon won't hear him, or howl back. Now, what I was talking about...

Oh, giant birds, that's right. Sorry. I got lost, so many things happened when I was crossing Gizamaluke's Grotto. I also got lost there.

I'm not lost, ya see. Well, about the giant birds... Daddy only showed me their bones. They are all dead. Extinction only comes for those who are big enough to this world. That's why diseases still exist, daddy said...

Fratley... I miss him. He was a funny guy.

Years passed, and the last time I heard of him was, like, three years ago. His family must be living outside these lands, since his father is a traveler. How time passes... Guess we won't be able to recognize each other. I still recognize the place where I live, but to feel the same rain is something else. Now it's time for snow to pour at the ceilings, at the leaves, atop us. White, thick snow. It's so cold that my skin burns, so I won't leave home.

Stay near the fireplace, mom said. Careful for not letting your sister play with fire, she said it too. Why would I let Freya leave a burnt mark into one of her hands, I thought to myself. I would never step at her tail, never again. Fur can unfold what lies beneath the skin and the many marks left. To tighten a fierce belt is Freya's only solution for not letting her pants fall out. My pants. How shameful for this to happen near the relatives... My legs used to be so fat back then.

Only in case I disobeyed or didn't accomplish what mom told me to do and not to, she brought Otterley to take care of us. She is the nursemaid that brought us to this world. Guess she is part of the family, kinda. A bit younger than mom, older and taller than me. I heard from mom that Otterley was born and raised at Cleyra. Fratley once went there with his father.

It's a tradition that those who were born at that trunk may return there someday. I asked Otterley if she ever came back to her home. Only once, she said. Do you miss Cleyra? I asked too. Maybe Ottis does. She doesn't even look like a Cleyran. I heard that they wear peachy and flowery dresses. Not that a dress makes any difference, because Ottis looks beautiful on each way for me.

The only thing that remained of her home, besides memories, was that hair. Also found upon that head. Face, I mean. A beautiful face, as well. Why am I drooling, if the lunch has not been prepared already? I feel like I am sweating, but the heat doesn't come out of me. Instead, it grows, and the fireplace isn't lit yet. It's hard to describe what I do feel for Ottis. I like her, and that's weird enough, coming from a kid that used to spit on those walking below a tree.

I am not a kid anymore, same for Ottis, and that pretty long, and well combed hair. The girls who grew long hair are qualified to realize the ritual dance back at Cleyra. To sustain the strength of the sandstorm, or so that's what I've understood. The storm is so big and strong that I have gotten sand inside my pants, Fratley told me as well. He even brought some sand from that place, which became a pile of mud when back at Burmecia. A sand soft as a pillow of clouds that even my feet sunk into a dune... I heard nothing coming out of Ottis, only from my sister.

I'm hungry, Freya said. She is always hungry, and always heard. This ain't normal, only if you have a vermin inside you. Her skin doesn't look any pale, so that's just a guess. Expectations hardly surpass reality. In fact, I thought that I would never address Ottis in this way, like mom, or dad, who are always here, and they are part of me too. She was just a caretaker, like any other. All I could do was to behave, to bear random people into this house.

To put a finger on the nose, no way! To be fair, I'm also getting sick of it. Just like lil' sis used to be crawling around, before her knees began to hurt. At least, Freya can stand on her feet. This means that she can kick my butt instead of biting my tail. To think it all of this seemed to have happened yesterday, and only I and mom and dad remembered... Geez, when have I gotten so sentimental? Guess I always had been.

Don't know where to stock grief. I don't need to, only at the moment. Only a fist to be delivered right at their faces. Then, I feel bad. At least, I feel something other than satisfaction. I know already that I'll be punished too, soon or later. I do not bear Ottis presence, but I just accepted it. Same for Freya. I also accepted that mom won't be back at home soon, and that dad will be tired, just like mom. Same can't be said for Freya.

She's still young, although a bit taller than someone with that age. Five, like her fingers. Fingers, claws, feet, pawns, fur, skin... so many words, for a few things. Ottis is taking care of us, but for what reason? Mom and dad are willing to pay her, because nobody works for free. Dad works everywhere, and gets tired anyway. I do not work, I only offer help. And I thought I would never clean any dishes, just because of Ottis... I like her. Freya too.

My sis, she once called Ottis by 'mom'. It must had been a reflex act. You get so familiar with someone that it happens. I mean, Freya's writing is a bit ugly, but she knows how to write. Her thoughts are quick, so are many of her words. Sometimes, Freya reminds me of when I was young, but I wasn't a girl. And my mom ain't that kind of person to be feared, only by the dragons.

To think I once have gotten so unfamiliar with mom that I didn't even call her by, but I knew Lenneth was here. There, by now, wearing that Dragoon Knight outfit as usual. Dad once brought and cut a pumpkin, and those eyes he made on its shell reminded sis of the holes belonging to a Dragoon's helmet. They are pretty heavy, unlike an empty pumpkin. Freya used to wear it upon her head, until it began to rotten, and fruit flies lied and hovered around it.

Mom smells worse, Freya said. Mom is always here to give us a goodnight kiss, though.

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