Archibald didn't have to walk very far to find Audrey. The weed was waiting in a nearby alley, her stalk casually leaning against the brick wall of an abandoned business, and she was patiently filing her leaf with a nail file, although mostly that was for the casual appearance.

"Audrey! It's been forever, hasn't it?" Archibald called out.

"Better watch it, Archibald." The weed said in her familiarly rough-around-the-edges voice. "I don't want any more of your hugs, got that?"

"Well, somebody better soon, because otherwise that defeats the entire point of my quest."

"Tough shit."

"I came to hear a rumor."

Audrey looked up at him now, pursing her cherry-red lips and readjusting her glasses. "It's not a party trick, y'know."

"I'm sure you could use it," Archibald said, noting the weed's frailness. She seemed as though a strong wind might break her stalk, and that might explain her choice of location, where the buildings could shield her from the weather.

"You aren't wrong."

"So?"

"Okay. Fine. Ya heard the one about that Madame Blueberry? I hear she's been skimming funds from her election campaign."

"No, not about - wait, really?" Archibald looked at her for a long moment. "Is this one of those true rumors, or one of those ones like... when you told everybody I was a robot?"

"Arch, a rumor is a rumor regardless of how much truth is in it. And I don't deal in truth; I deal in rumors."

"Well, that's all very fascinating, anyway, but that's not what I'm here for."

"You wanted a rumor."

"I wanted a specific rumor."

"You didn't ask."

"Well, frustratingly, you are correct. I didn't."

The weed smirked. "Okay, now tell me, what is it your sickly, greasy heart desires?"

"Um... that was rude."

"No, that was a reference."

"Doesn't make it less hurtful." Archibald pouted. He sat beside the weed on the ground, and she flinched.

"Hey, hey, I didn't say ya could sit there."

"Oh, can it. I'm very tired, Audrey. I'm not getting anywhere with my quest. I've been rejected a few times now, and I had been under the impression everybody would want to get back together with me."

"That's tough titties, Arch. Ya know, I don't really care. Now, before I tell ya to scram, why don't ya tell me what rumors I'm s'posed to be tellin' ya?"

"Oh. Right. Well... you were at the infamous Nezzer and Lunt wedding last fall, and -"

"You need to know who you slept with, huh?"

"Brilliant! You could be a real detective, Audrey."

"Actually, rumor's gotten around already about your hotlist. I wouldn't call it a rumor, actually. I'd say it was more of a warning."

"Why does everybody hate me so much?" Archibald bemoaned, giving a heavy and deep sigh. "I'm just a sexy vegetable daddy who wants to decide on who the sexiest vegetable besides me is! Is that so wrong?"

"It's pretty creepy, actually, so yeah. Anyway, if it gets ya out of my hair, I'll tell ya this. Rumor is, you slept with half the weddin' party. That half being mostly rebounds and emotional mistakes. Most of 'em are probably not gonna be happy to see ya, but try your luck and see. I know for a fact I saw ya walkin' Jimmy back to his hotel room and I know ya didn't come back for half an hour. I know you were seein' Fib at the time. He said you were the best he ever had."

"Really? The best sex?"

"No, mostly the fibbing thing. He really powered up."

"Oh. Uh... well... did he mention, the...?"

"No."

"Darn. Who else?"

"Rumor is you at least slept with Junior's dad, Bob the Tomato, Scooter, Jimmy, and uh... that weird caterpillar."

"His name is Coolhil now. He's very cool."

"Yeah, well, good for him."

"Anyone else?"

"God, do you think all anyone ever talks about is you?"

"I am the main character, so..."

"What a weird thing to say. Okay, well, that's all the patience I've got for ya, so scram."

"Do you have any rumors you... you'd like me to help you spread?"

"I'll manage myself, thanks."

Archibald shrugged and got up. "Lovely reconnecting with you. I'll try to visit again soon."

"Prefer ya don't, thanks."

"Jimmy lives around here, right?"

"He does. Round the corner, the apartment complex."

"Perfect." Archibald left without another word, Jimmy Gourd on his mind. He wasted no time in calling up, "Jimmy! It's me! Archibald Asparagus!"

Jimmy opened his window and popped his head out. "Archie?" He said in a hopeful voice. An innocent, hopeful voice, one that very much was about to probably regret his following words, "Come on up! I just ordered a pizza, but uh, I can order a second one!"

"Oh, that's quite all right! I'll be right there!"

It was no surprise when Jimmy opened the door to his apartment and kissed him. "I knew you'd change your mind! I knew you'd finally read my letters!"

Archibald happily accepted the kiss, a pleasant change of pace, but he was very confused. He in fact had not gotten the letters, but it explained why Jimmy would keep handing him letters and saying: "Special delivery!" and "Sealed with a kiss, y'know?" and "For the love of god would you fucking open one of the goddamn letters, why am I even writing them?" It hardly made sense when Jimmy delivered his mail, but it was even more confusing when he would deliver the letters along with the pizza he was delivering to his house, and further confusing when he would hand him his mail when he was ordering at the diner Jimmy owned and ran. It might've made more sense if he had ever read the letters, instead of ritually burning every single one in case he received bad news he didn't want to hear.

"Of course, J...James."

"Why'd you say that all weirdly?"

"Huh? Oh. I've just... Jimmy seems so informal. But uh, we'll go with it."

"You're being weird, but uh... that's okay. I'm just happy you're here! I wish you'd called first, I - I'm dressed all sloppy."

"Actually, you're naked."

"Well, it's... yeah, but... why'd you have to point that out? Now it's just awkward."

"Frankly, Jimmy, I've never seen you wear clothes outside of work uniforms. Aren't you a nudist?"

"I... I mean, not officially." Jimmy said, and he pulled away. "I don't go around calling myself that. I just think clothes are restrictive!"

Archibald nodded. "Should we, uh, pick up where we left off?"

"When I threatened to kill you for breaking my heart because you said you just slept with me at the wedding because you were drunk?"

"Oh, dear. Well, if it makes you feel better, I don't remember that, and also, I was probably drunk when I said that too."

"Y'know, it really doesn't make me feel better."

"Let bygones be bygones, right? I think we could reconnect before the pizza guy gets here."

Jimmy hesitated. Archibald meanwhile considered Jimmy's attractiveness. Jimmy had voluptuous curves, ginger-auburn skin that was smooth and unblemished, and Bambi-like eyes that were frankly a little unsettling at times, because they really stared into the soul. It almost made Archibald feel bad, but then Archibald remembered that he had burned his morals along with the letters Jimmy gave him, and he no longer felt that familiar sting of regret. The only emotion he was feeling now was lust for the naked gourd.

"Jimmy," he said, "I think you have a heart as fat as your ass, an ass and heart that equally will not quit."

"That's... kind of sweet, I think," Jimmy said, deciding if it was a compliment. "But uh, you wouldn't just be saying that because of that whole... hotlist rumor I've been hearing about, right?"

"Oh. Oh, heavens, what? No! I... what is a hotlist, even?"

Jimmy seemed relieved, and he sexily wiped imaginary sweat off his forehead with an imaginary arm. "I'm glad. Ya know, I said some stuff in the last letter that was... a little cold."

Archibald forced a smile. "Right. Yes, the letters."

"And like, they were kinda... I don't know... they came from a place of hurt."

"Jimmy. I don't care about that. I just want you to take me right now, right on that..." he dragged his gaze to the couch. It was a covered in pizza boxes and discarded letters. "On the floor near the couch."

"We could do it in the bedroom."

"Sounds good."