CHAPTER 1
Maura sits at a different table today. She hopes to be noticed by a certain girl that works there. She hoped to sit in her section but she gets it wrong again. She watches the girl as she works the tables a few away. She orders a drink anyway.
Maybe it's for the best, maybe she wouldn't know what to say anyway, maybe she would bore the girl. She needs more time to think what she could say. She has to fight off that pang of guilt anyway.
Maybe tomorrow she will come again, she will sit over at that corner table, she find a way to strike up a conversation. She isn't even sure why she desires to be noticed by this stranger.
The girls are all gorgeous here, always showing off more skin than anywhere else on this block. They have beer. They have food. They have sports. They have pretty young girls serving tables. High heels and bare legs that stop at short shorts or mini skirts. Belly buttons and Maura could number off most of the exposed rib bones. The place could easily be described as a more PG version of hooters. And the place is always full of men. Day and night.
Single men, married men, nasty men, students, bikers and business men.
Most of the girls flirt for tips, some even lift their tops. Young, ditzy girls talking like they don't have much in between their ears.
But then there is this one brunette who stands out, who turned Maura's head and made her heart beat faster when no woman should have been able.
How funny it should be that she came to this place on the words of her husband.
"Those girls at that topless cafe on tenth are so hot."
He had said it during a fight, he had said it to put her down, he had only said it the once.
She came out of rage the first time. She wanted to see where her husband went instead of spending time with her, to see how she fell short of pleasing him. To see what he wanted instead of her. Could she look ten years younger for him. Would he treat her better if she did.
The girls weren't 'topless' as the name suggested but the clothing didn't leave much to the imagination.
How ironic that she would also find herself attracted to one the girls that worked there. She was gorgeous, and she didn't feel that way just to spite him. She was 'hot'.
She could have lost even more clothes without coming across as slutty.
She looked like a breath of fresh air.
She had loved Garrett once. But now he made her feel like she wasn't good enough. She had aged of course, they had been together since college, five years, but he had aged too.
The second time she went to 'Topless' was because she had to decide something. Would she leave Garrett before he left her for some young attractive under 20, big breasted woman that probably had a name like candy or trixie.
And she had pondered this that second time she came over a sweet fruit smoothie, almost ready to cry into it, when the curly haired brunette came on shift. Maura didn't see her arrive, but she heard her speak, she was passing between the bar and where Maura sat alone at a table, and she had said in a voice that sounded like butter and gravel, "Whoever he is he ain't worth your love sweetheart."
Maura turned and caught the side of her face, dimples and a caring smile, and the woman walked away from her to work. It took some time to realise that statement was meant for her, but wouldn't it be strange to thank the woman a half hour later...would it. And while she was debating if she should start a conversation, the same woman caught her eye again and it was like a magnet to her heart, drawing it across the room. Not literally but almost knocking her out of her seat. Maura grasped her chest as her heart heaved against her ribs as if was trying to get out.
Her brain was a mess as it scrambled to console her feelings with the fact she was in fact married.
How could a person do this to her, cause feelings she had never felt before.
It was too much, too new and confusing, she felt too vulnerable in too many ways. She wondered where her strong facade had gone.
She never said a word as she left and took herself home. Because she couldn't think of a thing to say and was terrified of making a scene.
Garrett always got into her for making a scene, for saying smart things people couldn't understand, for trying to stand up for herself. He had hit her before because she had corrected his vocabulary in front of his friends.
It wasn't the only time he hit her, but is was the one time she didn't feel she deserved it.
And maybe he had slapped her confidence away. Being married to him had definitely changed her...even she could see it. But could she leave him. Both their reputations would survive eventually, but her mother would never approve. Her social circles would self implode. Her life would change.
Their home would be sold.
Maura had waited a week to go back to 'Topless', she had tried to ignore the pulling of her memories towards that strangers smile, to get lost in those twinkling eyes.
She would buy a hundred smoothies and sit at a different table every day just to hear that voice again. To hear the way the word sweetheart rolled off her tongue in that sexy texan way.
So she went...but the woman wasn't working. She asked after her. Melody they called her but the name didn't fit, she would be working tomorrow from 2pm till 6pm. And so Maura skipped her yoga class. She sat in the corner and she watched the woman. Melody stayed busy, perhaps intentionally so she didn't have to spend too long talking to the sleezy guys hitting on her at table five. Maura watched as Melody walked back and forth, glancing around the room occasionally. She didn't seem to notice Maura even though she sat at the same table from 4pm till 6pm ordering the same disgusting healthy drink but never finishing it before getting another.
Melody was perhaps older than the rest of the other girls and she didn't seem ditzy like they were. She was tender and warm with her customers. Always so busy, always smiling, confident. She didn't try to flirt with the males for extra tips, she didn't seem remotely interested in them.
And after two hours Maura feels confident enough to talk to Melody, she is debating moving tables to one the woman just cleared. But there is that shyness that causes her to pause...Her mother's voice rolls through the back of her mind 'what would everyone think of you' and 'you don't want to seem desperate'.
But perhaps she was desperate, for attention, for someone to care, for a friend, for love. Why else would she endure these watery, almost tasteless, far too sugary, glasses of gunk.
When Maura looked up from idly stirring the colourful gunk...the girl was gone. Maura checked the room over and waited before she saw the clock. Two minutes past 6. Melodys shift had ended while Maura had been distracted.
She sighs a sad sigh as she poked at a berry with the tip of the straw feeling more and more like a failure in every way.
She doesn't want to go home yet...perhaps ever.
"Mind if I join you?" A sultry, soft and gravely voice asks sending little bolts of lightening down her spine.
"Sh-Sh-Sh-sure." Maura stutters, surprise and something else causing her brain to misfire.
Her palms start to sweat and all the smoothies turn in her stomach.
She turns to face the voice and those dark liquid eyes are all she can see. Melody is more gorgeous close up.
Her eyes soft and warm, soft dimples and firm delicate eyebrows.
"Thanks." Melody says as she sits down and clasps her hands together gently.
"I'm sorry." Maura says weakly trying to sound confident, "I noticed you."
The woman's lips curl up at the corner, slightly amused but a hint of gratitude, "I noticed you noticing me."
There's no judgement in her words, no expectation. Her eyes glance off the wedding ring on Maura's hand as if it wasn't important.
Maura can't remember ever being this quiet before, this shy.
"My name tag says I'm Melody. But you can call me Jane if you want."
"Jane." Maura repeats as if she can keep the connection forever with just a name.
Jane smiles again, dimples like stars appear and vanish again.
"They give us the names with the job. I don't hate it at least."
"I'm...I'm...you can call me Suzie." Maura says. Somehow she feels a false name will mean she isn't betraying her husband, that it somehow protects her marriage.
Jane looks her up and down quizzically, or perhaps gently, like she knows the name doesn't fit. But she smiles anyway.
"So...you like the smoothies?"
Maura presses her lips together to hold back...everything.
"I'm not here for what's on the menu."
"Oh really." Jane smirks, "something you like that's not on the menu?"
Maura blushes a dark red and tries to hide it with a laugh.
"I didn't think you'd notice me."
"I'd have to be blind to not notice you, Suzie."
Maura frowns, "Notice I was watching you?"
Jane smirks again, it makes her dimples pop in a very sweet way, "No. Notice you."
"Why?" It comes out more desperate than she'd like. But her brain tells her she's an idiot to ask because it's obvious, she's practically the only woman patron in the place and she's been sitting there for two hours.
"You're pretty noticeable. Sophisticated, and hot, you're like one of those photoshopped models in a magazine." Jane replies in a way that sounds like it's an everyday comment she gives.
"I'm none of those things." Maura replies looking down into her smoothie.
"Wow. Humble and cute. That's a combination I could get used too."
Maura flushes and feels guilty at once, "I...I'm married." she confesses as if that would balance some imaginary scale.
Maura hadn't taken her ring off, she wasn't hiding the fact. And she had seen Jane glance at it when she sat down anyway.
"Wanna get out of here Suzie?"
Maura can only nod.
They walk side by side through Bostons gardens and park, few words have passed between them yet but they both have hundreds of questions they each want to ask.
But the silence is as sweet as talking, neither minds it.
A small dog runs towards them barking, dragging its leash behind, and Maura watches as Jane steps quickly ahead of her and greets the wee creature, "Hello there little one. Are you lost?"
She rubs the dog all over and scratches behind its ears while looking around for the owner.
The dog loves the attention and ends up on its back for a belly rub.
Maura smiles at the sight, the most beautiful woman in the world, wearing a three quarter black tee shirt that shows off toned abs and three quarter black tights that show off muscled olive calves, bent over a small brown dog. Her dark hair falls over her shoulders and down her back, covers the sides of her face, it's practically everywhere. And when Jane looks up at her, head tilted back, a huge grin on her pretty face, sparkling eyes, Maura thinks she might just be in love with her. Or at least a very strong physical attraction. Jane notices that Maura is not moving or reacting to the dog.
"You don't like dogs?"
Maura shakes her head no, "I am not opposed to dogs, I just prefer other pets."
"Cat person?" Jane asks grabbing the leash and standing up to face Maura.
"I like Reptilia's."
"Like snakes?"
"Like snakes, but I'm more enthusiastic about testudines."
"What are they?" Jane asks with the tiniest frown but full interest.
"Turtles, tortoises and terrapins mainly. "
Jane smirks, "You like turtles?"
"Tortoise's."
"There's a difference?"
"Most definitely."
Jane brushes her hair away from her face and over her shoulder as she turns to continue up the path with the small dog in tow and Maura starts to walk with her as well.
"Do you always talk like that Suzie?"
"Like what?"
"Uh...scientifically, big words and stuff?"
"I...no...yes...I mean I used to." Maura replies honestly, knowing she won't be forced to explain why. "Is that wrong should I stop?"
Jane turns quickly, "Wrong? Not at all. I just thought you might be nervous or something. I kinda like it."
Maura feels relief. How awful to scare of this gentle and gorgeous creature by accident.
"I don't feel afraid of being myself around you."
Crap...that honesty is going to get her in a lot of trouble if she isn't careful.
"Good." Jane replies with another grin, "So what do you do to occupy yourself Suzie?"
Maura smiles, "I'm...I'm studying to be a doctor." She loves this about herself. Despite marrying young and being expected to be a housewife and a aristocrat, she wants something more, to be doing something for others. She hates the country club drinks and golf, she hates the ladies nights all dressed fit for a king, she hates the Sundays on a yacht with Garrets friends while they talk about nothing important. She got sick of the elite lifestyle and spending money endlessly.
"Wow. Neat." Jane says with a soft grin as if she is proud of her new friend, "You must really like that."
"I do. How did you know?"
"You lit up."
"Lit up?"
"Yeah. You know. Like a Christmas tree? It's a saying. You practically started to glow and you looked happier than I've ever seen you."
Maura smiles recalling that the first time Jane saw her she was having a marriage crisis of sorts, adding salt-water to her smoothie.
"Everyone said I shouldn't...that I should have kids and keep Gar- my husband happy by staying at home."
Jane nods, "If it's any consolation, I think you should always do what makes you happy."
"Thank you. What about you Jane? Does working at Topless make you happy." Jane laughs cynically and then sighs, the brightness she always carries fading away like a dark approaching storm, "I'm only working there to make ends meet. I hope you don't think less of me because of it."
"I don't."
"It's just a job that has the hours I want. It's disgusting...but it's work."
"If you weren't working there then we wouldn't have met, Jane."
Jane smiles again like she just discovered that the consolation prize is better that the first place prize.
She sees a park bench and tugs the little dog off the path towards it and sits motioning for Maura to sit beside her.
Maura eyes the bench up first checking there is nothing offensive on it to ruin her skirt.
"I keep it clean, guys get a little handsy sometimes but that's as far as I'll allow."
Maura had already noticed that, "What do you want to be doing? What would make you happy?"
Jane shrugs softly, like her dreams are already somehow defeated, "I'd really like to have been a police officer, or a detective. But I can't...I can't afford college. I can't afford to not work. I can't afford much right now. I..."
Maura realises the pause hasn't ended and Jane is looking at her with a sort of strange protection, or devotion.
"What is it?"
"I'd like to ask if I could take you out for ice-cream...or a smoothie...but I can't even afford that."
Her face darkens as if the revelation is more shameful than a crime.
"It doesn't matter...I promise." Maura offers trying to find a way to bring that smile back, "I will get us ice-creams...I will buy them..."
Jane's face stays dark, eyes ever so slightly damp.
Maura feels desperate now, she just found a thing...whatever this thing is...and she doesn't want to loose it over some pocket change, over someone's misfortunes in life, she wouldn't care if the woman was homeless living in a box and wearing a rubbish bag as a dress, "Jane. Would it be too much to tell a total stranger why you don't think you could reach your goals?"
Jane is looking off into the distance, the look on her face makes Maura wish more than anything she could read her new friend, that she had already known Jane a lifetime so an explanation wouldn't be necessary.
"My papa...he's a plumber. Doesn't make much. Worked hard tho. But he took off for a bit, kinda hiding cause he messed up his taxes. So my Ma, she hasn't worked since I was born, is trying to make ends meet with my two little brothers." Jane sighs, "So here I am."
"That's terrible Jane."
"Wouldn't happened at some point I guess, probably better now than later. But we almost have it sorted and when we do my Pa will come back. He promised."
"In the meantime you're picking up the pieces?"
"Yeah," Jane whispers, "I had to."
Maura doesn't know what comes over her but she reaches out and puts her hand over Jane's to comfort her. And it feels like fireworks under her fingertips.
Jane turns to her and smiles softly, its laced with sadness but also something else Maura hasn't yet learnt to read. At least the tormentous cloud has receded.
"Thanks." Jane offers before she looks down at their hands. Her eyes linger on the wedding ring and Maura watches Jane's features change.
"He doesn't love me." Maura says softly.
"I wasn't asking. You don't have to tell me."
"I know. I want to."
Jane nods and waits.
"He is a Fairfield. It was like an arranged marriage that his parents and mine wanted. I never loved him...I just hoped I would eventually fall in love with him. But he is...not gentle...not kind. And he cheats on me."
Jane's mouth drops open and she looks at Maura, "How could he. Why would he?"
Maura shrugs.
"He's a fool." Jane whispers, "Anybody would be lucky to have you in their life."
Maura smiles and then frowns, "You don't know me."
"I am exceptional at reading people. It's actually the only thing I'm good at."
"Hush." Maura objects, "That's not true."
Jane smirks again, "You don't know me that well."
Maura doesn't smile, "I want to leave him, but I'm afraid. I want to be with someone who cares about me, who I feel safe with..."
Maura looks down at their hands, hers still on Jane's.
She pulls it away wondering why Jane didn't object.
Jane bites her lip in thought.
"Don't say anything," Maura whispers, "Because if you say the right thing it will affect my decision. You already make we feel like I could leave him. That it would be ok too. That I wouldn't be completely alone in the world."
"You wouldn't be alone." Jane says in a breathless way.
"Don't." Maura whispers back, letting their eyes lock. Maura would leave Garrett this second for her if she asked, but god she couldn't put that burden on an almost stranger. She didn't want to rebound on her, or use her. She wasn't even sure she way gay...but she didn't want to have an affair..or a thing. She just wanted someone to love her. Selfishly so. Without breaking someone's heart in the process...without breaking Jane's. Her heart strings felt like they were bending out of shape all by themselves, and it hurt in a good way, a way that reminded her she was alive.
But she would have to tune them, because without that fear of how life could change, she might be reckless.
Jane respects Maura's wishes, pushing her hand through her thick dark mane as if she could store all the things she needed to say there for now.
"I want to tell you something. And it's not about...us."
Jane pauses to wait, respectfully checking Maura approves of her continuing.
Maura presses her lips together. She dumped on Jane...she can't just expect the girl to drop the topic entirely. And so she nods.
"This guy...your husband...he doesn't sound like a very good man. And it would be wrong of me to not say anything...because I don't approve. Because you don't deserve someone that doesn't treat you right. And you don't need to be afraid...he shouldn't make you afraid...but there are places, places and people that will help you."
Maura can tell Jane wants to say she would help and be there herself, but thankfully she doesn't.
"I'm no expert, but a bad relationship is not good for anyone, Suzie."
Maura sighs, the woman is right, she already knew that. She had already noticed her hair thinning and her appetite diminishing even if she didn't admit the cause. The fact she couldn't get pregnant was probably also related to the stress she was enduring.
"Maura." Maura whispers.
Jane raises one eyebrow and manages to push the other eyebrow down which has a charming effect on her features, "What?"
Maura nods, "I wanted you to know my name. I don't want..."
the end of the sentence would have been 'I don't want to keep anything from you and It's my way of saying I trust you with everything I am.'
She doesn't say it, she can't, because she doesn't know if Jane would want to hear it, or be ready to hear it.
"Maura." Jane repeats letting the name roll off her tongue, "Maura." It sounds like honey and thunder and Maura shudders hearing her name spoken with something akin to love.
"Maur-" Jane says, it's almost the same as Maura but it's hers, it's there's, it's special, and Maura falls a little bit more for her.
"It suits you." She adds with a grin.
And Maura is lost for words.
"I like it. And...I like you Maura. I find you unique and very interesting...and I would like to spend more time with you if that's ok?"
Maura nods because she is on the verge of losing control of her secretory ducts.
Jane smiles and reaches down to scratch between the dogs ears.
Maura, takes a moment to get control and let the words sink in. Then she grins widely, she feels lighter than air, she feels invincible.
"Guess we should get this wee guy home." Jane comments standing and reaching her hand out to help Maura to her feet.
Maura takes the outstretched hand, feeling tingling again, and wonders what signals she would send if she refused to let go of it.
Jane doesn't seem fussed as she turns and heads back the way they came, Maura and the dog in tow.
Jane doesn't let go of her hand, it's like she could read her mind. And Maura squeezes tighter.
They walk back up the path hand in hand, steps not quite in time as Jane's legs are far longer than Maura's.
But she doesn't care, she feels like a schoolgirl, butterflies in her stomach, tingling in her hand, heart beating just that much faster than usual.
Finally they spot a small family having a picnic to the side of the path, "I think the dog is theirs."
"How can you tell?" Maura asks curiously.
Jane steps closer to Maura so their eyelines are similar and points to their station wagon with the boot open, "Dog toys and dog crate in the back there."
Maura welcomes the closeness slowing down, and Jane senses it, without letting go of Maura's hand she gently putts her other arm around Maura's shoulders. Jane looks for a negative reaction, but Maura can only smile wider. She feels wanted even if it is by an almost complete stranger.
She feels desirable.
She feels special.
The family is surprised to see their dog as they were unaware it had escaped and they were both thanked repeatedly for returning Scooby to them.
And then Jane turns to Maura, "Can I take you out again Maura?"
Those eyes burn into her and she says yes without thinking.
And Jane's full smile is brighter than the sunshine.
Garret asks where she's been. He looks angry that she is happy. And her world shrinks before she has even got her shoes off in the foyer.
"I met someone." Maura offers innocently.
And he is a foot in front of her spitting in her face a "Who?" that feels like it cuts her in half.
She feels small. She feels afraid.
"Just a girl." She pleads her hands clasps together like she is begging for something.
"What girl?" He demands.
Maura tries to think up a truth that hides the parts he would be angry about, "She...she works at a cafe and we j-just talked."
"About what?"
How is it that him leaning over her is scarier than when he raises his hand to hit her.
"Um..."
If only she could lie.
He hits her because she hesitates, she should know he hates that. It's not hard. Only surprising.
"What did you talk about?"
"Animals. Her job. My degree. Um...Food."
And it stops him. Because it wasn't a threat to him. And he steps away and she can breath again. Small shallow breaths. Watching his small micro expressions.
He backs off and then looks amused.
She does everything she can to not fall on her knees in front of him.
Fear crippled her. Relief drained anything that was left.
'Just a girl.' She thinks. 'Just a girl that is as beautiful and caring as you are cruel and spiteful.' She thinks silently, letting that thought give her the confidence she needs to get to the bedroom.
To sit at her makeup table.
To stare at herself using her mantra...'I'm ok. He can't break me. I'm ok.'
Her hands finally stop shaking and her heart beats normally.
"I have to leave." She whispers to herself, "I need to leave."
She hears Garrett shut the front door. He has gone, left her...and she is grateful. He has a night with his mates and she can peacefully relive her memories of her day with Jane.
She can focus on positive things, good happy things...
The future.
They met again a few days later. Maura hiding the bruise near her temple behind her bangs, sunglasses to hide the bags under her eyes from sleepless nights and crying.
Jane didn't know, would never know. Not if Maura could help it.
Maura would not let Garrett destroy her week...her time with Jane.
She watched Jane light up when she saw her.
Like a Christmas Tree
