I'm having surgery in just over a week. I've done my best to get as much out for you before I am unable, it's probably not my best work or at least i'm personally not super happy with it but it's something at least. Supposedly, all going well, I will be laid up for 4-6 weeks, so after the bitchy groggy first week in hospital, I might get a bunch of writing done. :)
Finger crossed anyway. Also...My trackpad on my mac has decided to do it's own thing, and by that i mean it closes things by itself, opens things, makes new folders, new tabs, uses 'back' button, zooms in, selects sections of texts, and DELETES THEM...anyhow...i will have to backup onto a pen drive as I have no idea what it will decide to do next...which is another good reason to post things now. I've named my laptop 'chucky' now since it's menacing and slightly crazy possessed. Sometimes it behaves perfectly which luls me into a false sense of security and then BAM. I'm really hoping it hasn't deleted stuff chapter already as i woke up to almost every APP and document open and the cursor jumping all over the screen like a possessed thing attempting to press every button it could. I have even heard that nasty sound of things going in the trash bin a few times lately but can't figure out what it actually did. At least I wasn't hacked and it isn't a virus...but i'm so untechnical that i'll just keep screaming at it for a week and hope it manages resolves itself, because i have no idea what to do otherwise lol.
This time of year is the time to be grateful for what you have, even if its a possessed laptop, to thank God for family and support and friends and acquaintances, and especially to love each other as deeply as you can...because what else is there really? What else is there in the end?
Remember that 'Christmas' is a demonstration of love itself...the sending of a son for the sole purpose of his death so we could get to choose life eternal if we wanted.
I can guarantee you, that when this life is over, without Jesus there isn't much.
Blessings and love to you all.
Jam xxx
She watched Jane light up when she saw her.
Like a Christmas Tree.
CHAPTER 2
She was only 22. Many called her young. Independant. Creative. Energetic. Many said she had her whole life ahead of her.
But there were those moments that she felt like her life was already over.
Like it was one pointless moment followed by an another.
Days that it felt like an endless rut. Blurring into another day.
An endless battle till tomorrow...to do it all over again.
Over again.
Over again.
Sometimes whole weeks passed but nothing much appeared to change.
Sometimes often wonders what the point was.
Is.
She smiles a slightly grimacing fake smile at the man who wants to put his hand on her ass, there is a glimmer of annoyance in her face that she cannot hide. He has tried the same thing twice already...today.
She stopped him. Again. But sometimes she wonders why. What's the point in caring anymore. Where is she headed anyway.
Wherever it is she could probably get there a lot faster, and easier, f she flirted, showed more skin, let them touch her, followed the examples of the other girls. Why can't she be more like them. Why can't she like this.
The thought of allowing it alone made her want to retch.
It was day in day out. Existing. Or surviving. They seemed to be the same thing.
Jane watches the other girls, they seemed happy, happy working here as well as at life in general. Perhaps they had their future mapped out, the possibilities of tomorrow. Or perhaps thay just didn't need a plan, a purpose.
But Jane did. She knew she did.
Ever since she was in nappies she had a plan. She was all plans. How to get extra ice-cream. How to stay up past her bedtime. How to earn pocket money. How to get out of trouble. How to beat her brother at basketball.
Maybe her unhappiness is because this isn't what she expected life to be like. It wasn't her plan. It didn't even feel like her life.
Three years ago she was enrolled in Boston College. She hid her acceptance letter because she knew her Pa couldn't afford it. But she had a plan. She would work, save up, and put herself through college. She would be a cop. She would be the best cop. Then a detective. She would give 150%. She would do it in half the time it took everyone else. And she would help people. She wold combine her street smarts, her gut feelings and her ability to read people into a storm of stellar-ness.
She would be an unstoppable force.
She didn't expect that a year later her father would leave, that she would be a daughter comforting her grieving mother, a second mother to her younger brothers, that she might attempt to be the provider and father figure in his absence.
She got a full time job to pay back her fathers debt and feed her family. Her plan went out the window. All her plans did.
She was left to deal with a misbehaving Tommy, a young boy feeling abandoned, temporarily fatherless, and in his young mind he was the only kid in the world suffering a loss...a rejection...a change in plans.
She would comfort him and be firm with him. She would promise she understood him and it would all be alright in the end. She pleaded with him to not misbehave, to not upset their mother further, to not create a financial burden. She asked him what would help him. But she couldn't give him what he needed. Security, a home and a father.
She might save their home if she was lucky.
Could she even tell him it would it be alright in the end? Could she if she wasn't convinced herself.
What was alright? When is the end? At what point will she have a plan that is more tangible that is merely surviving the day.
Her father had been gone almost a year now...could she even be sure he woud keep his promise to come back.
Her fill-in plan was to get out of this mess in one piece and then go back to her original plan...if she had the strength.
She wanted to be free of these burdens, she wanted to have a job that she didn't cringe when she told people about it. She really wanted to help people. She wanted to be surprised about what tomorrow might bring. She wanted romance or fun or anything that wasn't a reminder of everything she was losing. She wanted to do something that wasn't suffocating her.
She wanted to survive.
She wanted to live.
She sighs loudly into her staffroom locker, a tiny hope sparking inside that someone nearby will hear her subtle cry for help, but the room is completely empty.
She sighs again because she is regrettably and completely alone in this situation, there is no one to talk to, no hero coming to save her, no easy way out.
She wanted to vent, desperately, to scream of injustice and yell at her father. But she was alone. She had been for months now, Unable to talk to her Ma without dumping more stuff on someone that was already suffering badly. Her brother to young. Her co-workers didn't care.
Her facade of brute strength and impassivity felt like is was cracked and crumbling, falling apart at the seams.
Like sinking sand.
Today though, like every other day, she would just have to push through like she always did..because there was a family that needed her, that depended on her. She would just have to keep fighting one more hour, one more day...until he strength was gone. Until she couldn't stand anymore. Some days that felt closer than others...days she though that perhaps she couldn't take it anymore. But somehow she managed. By a small miracle.
She pulled off her sweater and adjusted her top. Pushing one sleeve off her shoulder and making sure the material completely hid her bra.
It was just another day she told herself as if that could make it ok.
It wasn't ok.
Her days were long. At 6 am helping her brothers get ready for high school. At 7am she arrived at her first job, loading and packaging at a warehouse. She was the only woman there but the men were all married and she didn't feel uncomfortable around them. Sometimes they let her drive the forklift when the boss wasn't around, it always cheered her up, it always gave her an extra few days. A spark of strength.
And then at 12pm she starts her five hour shift at topless. She gets to dress how she likes, the tips are good, and the hours work. It's around a very different group of men, but they are boys and she can handle them.
At 5:30pm she will go home and help her Ma with dinner and her brothers with their homework. She had even promised them extra Christmas presents if they got all 'B's' or higher. She had been putting aside whatever she could save for them in secret...because if Christmas was empty stockings...then she felt they might just be lost completely. But at least Tommy was incapable of B's so perhaps it would only cost her a few extra dollars to put a massive smile on Frankie jr's face.
She would help them get to bed and help her mother with the dishes. They would chat together merrily about their days as if they were the easiest things on earth. Jane would lie about her feelings and the men attempting to fondle her, and Angela wouldn't mention that she wore out another pair of shoes at the only job she could manage to get. Basket sales.
And then she would climb into bed and pray like she always does, firstly thanking God for her family, then thanking God she survived the day and finally asking for an extra bit of help for tomorrow if he could spare it for her.
And tomorrow she would very nearly almost do the same over again.
Tomorrow would probably be the same.
And the day after.
And the day after.
And the day after.
She sighs again and forces a smile, preparing herself for her shift.
Smiles get her tips and so she forces it until it stays in place.
She stares at herself in the mirror. Everyday it feels like a little piece of herself is left behind...lost.
And she sums up all the strength she can and walks out into the busy cafe.
It's almost immediately that she knows something is different. The blonde woman catches her eye. It simultaneously wipes the smile off her face and puts it back again.
She isn't even sure why, but perhaps it's because the woman looks like on the outside how she feels on the inside. Or perhaps it because the woman is classy and refined and doesn't fit in a degrading place like this. Or perhaps it's because she is beautiful. Beautiful and soft and in desperate need. Perhaps it's just the promise of something new...adventure.
Jane sees the ring on the blonde woman's finger as she passes, she sees the nails on one hand chewed heavily, the slight bags under her eyes, clenched jaw and eyes glassy.
A beautiful mess.
It pulls at her heartstrings.
She wonders if the depressed can comfort the depressed.
But this woman needed a word, a kindness, something...right now. And she could give it. She was here. She was willing.
She takes a deep breath and puts on her "I am totally and brilliantly fine and ok and...fine" face, forcing a cheery grin, because perhaps this woman needs more of a rescue than she does.
She hopes she doesn't put her foot in it, or worse...get yelled at.
She walks toward the other side of the room, she walks behind the woman so she will be heard over the usual clatter of cutlery and chatter. She wants to reach out and touch the slightly trembling shoulder but remembers that not everyone likes to be touched.
"Whoever he is he ain't worth your love sweetheart."
And the woman turns quizzically.
Her hazel intense eyes and confused frown meeting Jane's brown ones. It makes her stomach somersault. It pulls at her but she resists. She must resist. The woman may not want her advice, her comfort, and so she forces herself to get to work.
And she can feel the woman's eyes on her, following her. Eyes and irises and lashes she can already recall even without looking.
She is scared to look up and meet those eyes, she is afraid to see anger from those eyes, annoyance, expectation. Anything unkind.
But after a while, after Todd tries to grope her yet again, after someone asks to see her tits, after she wonders if she could throw a beer on a lap while making it look like an accident, then she wonders if the woman is still watching her or if she is now just imagining it now. Curiosity gets her and she has to look.
And her heart is in her throat, then it is gone, lighter than air like it isn't inside her anymore.
She might be the most beautiful woman on the entire planet and she is looking right at me.
She smiles brightly, she can't help it, she has no control over herself. It's like her face has a mind of it's own.
She wonders if there wasn't several tables between them, if she would just float across the room towards her.
The spell is broken as someone calls for her. Some guy ordering another beer. They sound underwater but she can hear them.
It takes a moment before she can look away, and she fights herself to not look back straightaway...because it would be too easy to get distracted, to get lost in those eyes...forever.
It is almost painful but she busies herself with work, she can't afford to loose her job, she can't afford to get in trouble.
And then moments later, she sees a flurry of movement. She looks up quickly, in time to catch the back of the woman as she walks out the door.
Her heart beats faster in panic.
She watches the door for a moment hoping the woman will return. She just left something in her car. She saw someone on the sidewalk she knew. She had to put money in the meter.
When she doesn't return, Jane considers running after her, but she knows she already waited too long. The woman was gone. A woman whose name she doesn't know that managed, with a single look to turn her inside out.
The woman was like adrenaline, like energy. She wanted more...she needed more. If she could have that again...how could she find her.
But the surge is still inside her, running through her veins, promising her good things. She feels she can survive again. Like it's not all hopeless after all. Like there is a point to life.
Maybe, just maybe, there IS more out there for her, she just has to be brave. A few more days, weeks.
It would be ok.
That night she lies in bed picturing the woman. That blonde hair and those endless hazel eyes.
Her red coat with black cuffs that fitted her perfectly. A red handbag. White blouse, black skirt and heels. She looked like she belonged in a Paris fashion magazine. She was perhaps a little older that Jane but soft and delicate. Jane wondered why she ran off. Wonders if she could find her somehow. Perhaps work out what store the woman shopped at. Or search through the receipts for her credit card details. There had to be a way.
In the end she doesn't have to track the stranger down, the woman comes back again a few days later.
Jane bites her lip when she see's her walk through the door, the same surge of energy through her veins. She wants to go over and talk to her immediately, at least get her name, but her boss is watching her, and it isn't in her section. The waitress, Cindy, serving the woman would literally beat Jane up if she thought she would loose any tips. Cindy had a temper. Cindy was vile. Maybe even a little bit crazy.
Jane discreetly watches the woman drink half her smoothie then pushes it to the side and orders another.
Jane can sense the woman watching her, she likes it. Because maybe someone cares. Someone will care. Someone sees her.
It's the fastest shift she ever had, two hours is over in moments, and she looks at the woman who is completely distracted, no longer looking at her, for her.
Jane walks out the back and stands in the staffroom again and she sighs. Like a reverse of last time.
Only this time the sigh isn't a cry for help.
She isn't sure if the woman wants to talk to her. She doesn't want to assume the woman was there for her. Came back for her. But then here she was, watching Jane again. Maybe the woman knew her, or wanted something. Why else would she be being observed.
The least she could do is ask.
Because even if she's disappointed...she feels happier anyway. A smudge of hope in a cruel world.
Hope was maybe all she needed. And the least she can do is give it back, away, to everyone, without even loosing it.
It's not exhausting or draining anymore.
It's just life.
She doesn't change into her jeans and tee-shirt to leave, she doesn't want to miss again, wait a moment too long. She walks back out of the staff-room into the main area, across the busy room, past Cindy who gives her daggers and clenches her fists...straight towards the woman.
What's the worst that could happen, she asks herself. She can only say No.
She clears her throat gently, "Mind if I join you?"
Sure.
'Sure' was the sweetest word.
'Sure' made her smile again.
And 'sure' lead to more words...to the promise of more time...to more hope and more excitement and an abundance of energy!
Energy was her joy.
Just being around Suzie or Maura made everything feel ok.
And she knew she couldn't stop smiling.
Her jaw would hurt later but right now she didn't care.
Her smile also seemed to help Suzie Maura, and that was more than enough to sustain her...perhaps forever.
She felt so good.
Life had more in it than part time jobs, packing, cleaning, waiting tables, and helping raise her brothers.
She might not have two cents to rub together but she had someone to talk to, maybe even someone who cared.
And so she skipped to their next meeting. She hadn't skipped since she was 12.
As she skipped, she thought about it all, that this feeling wasn't from anything Maura had said.
Jane thought maybe it was the way Maura looked at her, like she was capable of doing anything she wanted to do.
Maura looked at her like she was important.
Like she mattered.
Like it would be ok.
She wouldn't have cared where they met but only that they did.
She could tell Maura had been nervous about meeting again, particularly the location, who would see them. Maura seemed nervous over a lot of things that she hoped to one day understand. Wanted to understand.
And when she saw Maura she couldn't control her face again, she smiled, and Maura smiled back at her. The smile didn't quite reach her eyes. Eyes which were covered with far too large sunglasses that didn't match her cute little matching two piece. She carried herself a little more stiffly too. Tense. Perhaps tired. Perhaps something else. Jane could tell she was hiding something.
"Hi. How are you?" Jane asks wondering if the answer would be completely honest.
"I...ok. Happy to see you."
Maura feigns a smile to go along with her deference.
Jane feels panic. It's as if she already knows her well enough to know that the woman is in trouble, even if she shouldn't know that yet.
She swallows to hide her panic. She tells herself it's just her protective instinct. It's a part of her DNA.
Everything will be ok. She will make sure it is.
She keeps smiling, because if she loses that smile she fears she might loose Maura too. That perhaps her smile is going to keep them both sane.
"How are you Jane?"
"I'm good, Maur. Really great. Thank you for coming."
At least it sounds sincere, because right now she wants to hurt whatever is causing her new friend anxiety.
That silence...the pause after...it says everything.
Jane struggles... because they don't know each other well enough for her to know what's safe to ask, but she wants to.
Jane nods up the path to indicate they start walking. Anything is better than staring and silence.
And Maura walks beside her head slightly down, almost dragging her feet.
"You can tell me absolutely anything you want." Jane starts keeping her voice light, perhaps even a little playful. It's safe and it's non specific. It always works on her brothers anyway.
Maura doesn't reply, she wraps her arms around herself a little more.
"Or I can blab about myself?" She tries to look cheeky. To lighten the mood.
Maura feigns a smile.
Jane pushes her hands into her pockets, because all they want to do is grab Maura, hold her or maybe shake her...something. Something to fix the something that's somehow broken.
And then she changes her mind, she reaches out her arm and slips it through Maura's arm. She is gentle because she is a little scared herself. And Maura seems to accept it. Hugging it tighter to herself. Her pace seems to get a nicer beat to it.
It feels foreign and familiar all at once. Walking side be side, arm in arm, like best friends would. As if they have done it before.
And Jane just enjoys it for a moment as Maura presses closer into her.
Jane draws her strength from it.
"So theres a restaurant opening downtown next week. They are friends and well...I wondered if you would...you know...like to come with me...for it?
Maura is silent, distracted, non-responsive.
She clenches her jaw. It's the only way she knows to control herself in moments like these.
"Talk to me Maur." Her voice comes out low and broken.
Maura stops walking and turns looks at Jane, "I'm ruining this. Aren't I?"
Jane shakes her head no. 'This' hasn't been established therefore cannot yet be ruined.
Maura continues, "I want to enjoy this. Being with you now. I really do. I want to be carefree and just be with you. It's almost all I've thought about since the other day... I want to forget about everything else in the world. But now I'm here with you...I am so confused. But I don't want to talk about it and ruin this. I want this. I'm disappointing you aren't I?"
Jane understands. She has watched the conflict in Maura, even the other day making these arrangements, and of course she'd like to make her forget all the bad stuff. She would love to erase it from Maura's mind. But she also knows from experience that some things are better out than bottled up.
"I am not disappointed Maura, I could never be. It's fine. Don't worry. I'm happy to be here with you regardless of what you're going through."
But she wants to push further, she doesn't know what pushing could do, but it has to be better than this.
Pushing has to be better than watching this silent suffering. Even if Maura turns and walks away at least she knows she tried.
"I should go home. I'm sorry." Maura offers.
Jane watches as Maura's lip quivers slightly.
She shakes her head no.
"Absolutely not. Just talk to me...get it off your chest Maur. Forget about what I'll think. Just tell me what's bothering you. Then we can work out how to move forward. Together even. I'd really like that. I care about you and I'm a good listener."
At least once it's out in the open it can be moved past.
Maura does react, Jane can sense it but she can't see it. She needs to know what's going on behind those glasses, so she reaches over to pull them away, slow and deliberate as if approaching an untamed animal.
Maura doesn't move except that she clenches her jaw, a hint of fear at Jane's movements. Or perhaps at being seen.
"I won't hurt you Maura." Jane can't help the quiver in her own voice as the glasses come away in her hand.
Maura squints a little at the light, her eyes still puffy and slightly red.
Jane just smiles softly, she wouldn't comment on something so tragic, beautifully tragic. At least not without knowing why. What good would it do saying how bad Maura looked.
What good would pointing out the obvious do.
"Better." She promises Maura giving her the brightest smile she can summon, "Much better.". Even puffy eyed Maura still looks amazing and Jane has to swallow the lump in her throat.
Maura finally looks up into those warm eyes, and Jane senses another change in her.
More trusting, more relaxed, more open.
"I promise it will be ok. Just talk to me."
Maura studies her slowly. Jane keeps herself calm, open, ready. However long it takes.
"I'm really scared."
It's a million reasons rolled into one. Jane can sense that.
"What are you scared of?"
Maura chews her lip before looking up again. Her eyes like windows into an expanse of a dark space.
"Us? This?" Jane feels her heart tighten even as she says it. How horrible for this to end before it's even begun. But she knows it is somehow linked...Maura met her again...why...
Maura shakes her head that it isn't that.
"Then what?" Jane asks, trying to keep her broken voice sounding soft and not relieved.
"It's...it's Garrett. I'm scared that even being here...and you."
Jane takes in a deep breath, if only to calm herself so she can be calm for Maura.
She figures Garrett is the husband, the ring, the reason for the tears.
"What did he do Maura." She asks gently but not quite showing the sympathy she would like to.
Maura's shoulders slump impossibly further and Jane can feel the anger inside herself growing. Now she knows it's something big.
"What did he do?" Her voice sounds like shattered glass to herself and she hates it.
It causes Maura to look up, her eyes wider, less fear, more concern, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring you into this Jane." And she turns to walk away, or maybe run away.
Jane can't let her go that easily, she can't loose the person that makes her feel that life is still worth living. The person that perhaps needs her now more than ever. Not perhaps...definitely.
Her long arm easily reaches across the distance to Maura before she can get too far away, sliding down her forearm and clutching gently at her wrist. Turning her so they are facing. Maura doesn't pull away. Maura doesn't even try.
So she reaches her other arm, and puts it on Maura's bicep.
Maura hisses softly.
"You're hurt?"
Maura shakes her head weakly. But keeps her face low and turned to the side. Jane isn't buying the lie. She reaches her hand out to touch Maura's cheek and the touch causes the nerve endings in her fingers to dance.
Maura freezes like a child caught in the act as Jane gently pushes blonde hair off her face and tucks it behind her ear.
It gives her a good look at the bruise. It's fresh. Perhaps two days. Not dark but shaped almost like the palm of a hand.
"He hits you."
She can't believe how calm she sounds.
It wasn't a question.
It was a reality.
A bad one.
"I deserved it." Maura concedes weakly.
Jane grabs Maura's shoulders, "No you didn't. You don't. No one deserves that ever. Ever."
Maura shakes her head and tries to turn away again. Jane doesn't let go.
"He...he only did it once."
Jane watches as Maura looks guilty, she was a terrible liar. Then Maura squirms slightly as if it was physically painful for her.
"I'm...I don't even know why you're here...no one would want me."
Jane clenches her free hand. She wonders if saying her opinion of Maura would have any effect of Maura. They barely know each other. Why would Maura believe a statement from a poor blue collar stranger anyway. What would saying 'I want you' do to Maura, to them.
"Maura. You're coming with me." Jane speaks louder and harsher than usual, its desperation.
Then she cringes as Maura cowers slightly away from her heavy voice.
"I'm sorry Maur..." Jane lowers her tone and speaks softly, letting her hand slip down Maura's arm to her hand, grabbing hold again. "I'm not letting you go back there. Back to him."
Maura sobs softly and Jane puts her arms around her letting her sobs be buried against her chest.
Every shudder ripples across Jane's shoulders and she can only hold Maura tighter.
"Maur. I'm so sorry. You're coming home with me. Ok. And you're coming now. I will keep you safe."
"I can't." Maura sobs, "It'll make him so angry."
"Well he can get angry by himself on his own."
Jane pulls away and cups Maura's cheeks with her palm, "He is never going to hurt you again. Never again. Do you understand?"
Tears stream down Maura's cheeks as she looks back at Jane, "I have to go back."
"Do you?"
"Yes...because he might hurt you."
Jane can see the fear growing inside this realization, "Stop worrying about me, I can look after myself. I have brothers...friends. He doesn't know me...And I am going to look after you."
Maura drops her head against Jane's shoulder blade. Jane can't decide if it's because she is embarrassed or ashamed or relieved.
Or maybe Maura actually believes her.
Fear. She had felt it clawing towards her.
The day her Pa ran off...fear tried to dig its claws in. When her Ma relied on her pay checks...fear clawed at her, scratching her, leaving an itch that reminded her of it. Of how vulnerable she was...of what would happen if she failed.
She had experienced fear and love on equal scales. But she wasn't sure Maura had. The fear yes...deeply. But the woman seemed to be unsure of love, or caring, of kindness. Where was the love...the tenderness and care one needed to survive.
Love had always balanced that fear for Jane...but she wondered how Maura had managed without it. She had never heard of a relationship so empty of love.
Of a life so full of neglect.
Absent parents.
A loneliness so vast and consuming that Jane could sense it every time she made a physical gesture or said a kind word.
They talked for a long time. Maura had spilled almost the entire story within minutes of Jane locking the front door of her home.
Not every detail, but many. Some things she described with a look. Some things with a sigh. And some with words.
And as Jane listened and watched, her own worries and chaotic thoughts seemed so small. So minuscule.
And with every word spoken Maura became calmer. Unburdened. Trusting.
For every fear that pulls her away. A smile, a touch, concern, care, love...they bring her back.
And now, hours later, third cup of calming tea and a cushion on her lap, several hugs and whispered promises, the tears have dried up.
Jane has joked and Maura has laughed, just moments to break up the tension.
Moments Jane truly loves.
Because she is in love with Maura's laugh.
The biggest fears behind her and an unknown future, and Jane knows exactly how she feels.
What happens if you get what you plan for and it's the worst thing in the world. It was a thing Jane had never considered could happen.
Telling a complete stranger all your mountain of problems knowing it could cause them to run away. It was what worried Jane but her mountain was only a hill compared to Maura's mountain.
But with the mountain revealed and Maura not ready to think about making new plans right now, Jane distracts Maura from the fear of the unknown path before her.
"You know..." Jane starts, her voice low and gravely, "...When I was seven I almost died. While it was happening it seemed like a dream but then it was like a mountain of fear."
Maura stops sniffing and turns to watch Jane, to listen.
"I don't remember it exactly. It was the day before my seventh birthday. Ma and Pop had been fighting so much, over money. That's what they always fought over. My little brother Frankie was only a few weeks old. I thought I was just tired cause he would keep us all up screaming. I went to bed when I got home from school cause I felt to tired to do any homework. Ma and Pop were fighting that day too. That's why I didn't tell them I felt sick. It wasn't until Frankie started crying that my parents stopped. I think because I usually looked after him when they fought...but that day I didn't. My Pop found my in bed and he asked if I was ok. I couldn't even answer. It felt like I was on fire and I couldn't move. I remember him carrying me to the car because I could feel his heart racing. He took me to the hospital. I only remember that everything was blurry and they kept moving me every time I got comfortable. I'd get hot and then cold and then hot over and over. And I was so scared."
Maura is lost in the story and Jane can tell.
"They told me after that I had a fever they couldn't bring down. That they used ice baths and cooling pads. And eventually something worked and I was allowed to go home. It took over a week and I know if my Pop hadn't got me there when he did I would never have gotten home."
"That's...wow."
"I missed my birthday. But that wasn't the worst. I had lost my voice for several weeks. Somehow it damaged my vocal chords."
Maura's eyes cross between Jane's eyes as she talks.
"I did get my voice back...well this voice. I didn't sound like mine. I mean...I don't sound like I used too. I don't sound like I did before."
"I like your voice." Maura quips softly causing Jane to pause her story and smile before continuing.
"The scariest part was all the things I told myself while I was sick. Untrue things. Like that it was a punishment...a birthday present I deserved. And my parents didn't care about me or they'd notice I was sick in bed. That I should have died because I was so alone and no one wanted me around. And afterwards, when I went back to school, the kids picked on me cause I sounded different, I thought no one would ever care about me. I thought I'd failed and I wasn't good enough. That things could never be ok again."
Maura nods, hopefully understanding in part. Relating it to the lies she told herself, like that she deserved to be hurt or that things couldn't get better.
"What I learnt was that there was always going to be someone around to pick me up when I needed them. Always. That what some people thought of me didn't matter, it only mattered if those people mattered to me. And that what seems to fill up the entire space...the entire world, shrinking it all into badness...that it is just fear and that it will go...and when it goes then the world will be bigger and brighter. You'll see it the way it is."
Maura smiles softly.
"And I am gonna be right here until that fear is gone, until you get to where you need to be. And the bad news for you is that my Ma is gonna be all over you too, probably baby codling you, and I doubt you'll get even a moments rest from it."
And Maura smiles for real making her eyes twinkle, lighting up again like when she talked about being a doctor. It causes Jane to feel like her insides are all electrified.
"Sooo. You will stay as long as you want. You'll have to share my room...I'll have to tidy it before you step foot in there."
Maura almost snorts a laugh as she shakes her head.
"I'm so far from even joking Maur." Jane says pushing her loose hair over her shoulder and grinning, "It looks like a bomb went off in there."
A hint of a frown joins the smile, "What happened to your room?"
Jane laughs, "I'm usually really messy...but I promise to be good while you're here."
Maura reaches over grabbing Jane's hand as if it's a lifeline.
"I won't inconvenience you?"
Jane chuckles, "On the contrary. You might just be my reason to get up in the morning with a smile on my face."
Maura raises her eyebrows slightly "You...you don't always smile?"
She doesn't want to talk about it, but at least it's a distraction for Maura.
"I haven't been happy so much. But...since meeting you...everything feels...like it might be going to be better."
Maura draws Jane's hands towards her resting it on her lap, "I feel...exactly the same."
Jane's heart feels like it thuds in her ears and she squeezes her hand around Maura's.
"You're never gonna be alone again. You're never going to have to face anything by yourself again."
And Jane is surprised by Maura throwing her body against Jane's, burying her face in Jane's neck. Jane can make out the whispered thank you. She smiles into golden locks. She feels like the brightest light in the sky.
She holds Maura like her life depends on it. She holds Maura like Maura depends on it. And that's how they stay until they hear a key in the door as Ma arrives home.
Life is good. Life has just gotten a little better, a little less lonely. A lot less painful. She has a friend and she will be a friend.
She has a plan.
Together it will be ok.
