Thank you for all your wonderful comments. My prayers go out to everyone during these tough times with covid-19 and lockdowns, unemployment, financial stress. Health concerns and fears. Remember to love and be kind to all. Be grateful for what you have and have not lost. Be good to yourself and tell yourself good things.
Blessings, Jamxxx
Garrett said no one would love her and he told her he knew her better than anyone. He said she couldn't survive without him. He said she was bad. Horrid. Evil. Unkind. Undeserving. Unlovable.
She had no reason to doubt him, no stories to use to disagree with him.
But right now, someone is comforting her, protecting her, sheltering her, and it isn't him. And the things he says are far away somewhere like the hug is a shield against them.
She can just enjoy the moment.
She never had a hug like that before. It makes her fear and thoughts vanish and warms her up. She moves from not liking being touched to being completely lost in it.
She has never been held like this before. So tenderly and so delicately...soft but not in a fragile way. It's awkward and welcoming. Uncomfortable and life altering. Her heart feels heavy in a good kind of way. Her fingers tangle in messy curls and she can feel Jane's chin nuzzle slightly into her own hair. The heartbeat of the body pressed against hers thuds slower than hers. Slow and sturdy and strong like on it's own it may be relied upon. Trusted.
Safe.
She thinks on Jane's words, 'you might be my reason to get up in the morning with a smile on my face'.
She had never been anyone's reason before. Not in a good way at least. Only in bad ways. She was often the reason people were angry and disappointed and frustrated and unhappy. She had been called all sorts of things and blamed for many many more. She had never been a good thing to anyone.
She felt like she was unnecessary.
And maybe...even for a little while...she might be Jane's reason.
She might be a good thing to someone who was kind and caring. To someone who mattered.
To this someone.
And that made her smile.
And after the hug is interrupted and ends, she can still feel it pressed against her chest and warm on her cheek. She had never been hugged long enough to feel that before. It still tingles like needles on her skin...almost as if I didn't end at all.
Jane's whispered promise that she won't be alone again plays through her mind as Angela is introduced to her and she receives another Rizzoli hug. As soft as the one before but not as long. And then Tommy hugs her when he is sent to bed. Short sticky arms and a huge grin. Frankie Jr doesn't hug her goodnight, probably because of the suspicious look she gives him. Not so much suspicious as puzzled. He looks so similar to Jane, less hair and shorter but the smirk and the features are so similar. He shows Maura how to fist bump instead.
And she isn't alone now. Barely a moment to herself. Only alone when she sleeps, and only because Jane didn't want her to feel pressured in any way. Angela didn't understand why Jane moved into Tommy's room. It wasn't like Jane had never had friends over before, or sleepovers, girls sleeping in her bed with her.
And Maura was grateful because it showed her that Jane wasn't just trying to get something in return.
Only that first night that Jane had heard her crying and came to check on her, and stayed, innocently. Only to hold her hand, nothing more. Because Maura had asked her to stay. The first night was the scariest because she would forget where she was, because Garrett could walk in and be angry at her for leaving. He could punish her. But once that first night passed without Garrett she would now be fine.
He hadn't got to her, wouldn't.
And even though the house was only silent at night, Maura knew she wasn't alone anymore. She knew that Jane was just next door. And the fear of waking with a man sitting on top of her demanding things of her seemed like a distant dream. She no longer had to sleep near the edge of the bed so she could quickly slip off the side and hide if she heard him coming.
He wasn't here. He didn't know where she was. Couldn't find her.
Sleep was now peaceful and she had no idea how deprived she had become of it. How much she needed it.
Sleep made the world a brighter place.
She had only planned to stay a day or two while she planned her new life, found a place, planned her divorce, and how to break the news to her own family.
But between Angela begging her to stay a bit longer and Jane's warm smiles, she felt like her heart had been somehow kidnapped and was being held hostage in this house filled of...something...something strange...unexpected...inviting.
She could go to a motel but she knows Garrett will keep looking for her.
She could hire security but then she will feel like a prisoner.
She has already changed her number. She has changed her schedule. She has changed her hairdo as well.
She could call her mother for help but she is afraid the mere disappointment will reach through the phone and strangle her. The shame her mother will have to deal with at the country club when the truth eventually comes out.
She could jump on a plane and fly to a remote third world country and work with her father...but if she ran away then the smile that continues to greet her will be too far away from her to see.
The smile that makes her feel like she might be ok. Might be good enough.
She will be too far away to feel that smile.
She can't explain how you can feel a smile but yet she does. It is impossible in medical terms. But yet it wasn't impossible. She had never felt a smile before from anyone. It somehow wrapped around her body and hugged her heart...sometimes it squeezed a little too tight. Sometimes she would even forget to breathe.
It was like the light in a dark room.
The smile could find her everywhere. Across the counter, through the window, sleepy and ruffled in the kitchen in the morning, sparkling and awake at the end of the day saying goodnight in the doorway. Pulling her out of her silent and dangerous thoughts. Holding her up when fear or sadness tried to drag her back down.
"Why do you look at me like that Jane?"
The answer would be a smile.
"Why do you smile at me like that Jane?"
She wanted to understand, needed to make sense of this.
"Cause I like you." Jane would reply casually as if it was the easiest thing in the world.
"Why?"
The question would always dampen that smile just for a moment. She knew it was sadness but she couldn't understand that either. It was a logical question in her mind, why would Jane be sad about that. But if she questioned every new thing in this new environment she was sure she would make herself into a nuisance.
"Why wouldn't I?" Was the reply and then a smile again.
Bright like the sun.
Blinding.
Angela surprised her by giving her the answers she needed. Angela who treated her like one of her own without question.
Maura had placed the envelope of cash in Angela's hand one day after Jane had left for work. She felt it would be less awkward that way.
"What's this?"
"I don't expect to live here without assisting. It is room and board for my time so far and for another week."
Angela chews her lip for a moment, "Is that how long you're staying?"
"I'm not sure. I don't know how long I'm welcome for."
"Sweetheart, you can stay as long as you need." Angela offers as she hands the envelope back to Maura.
"I won't charge you to live here. You help out enough. And you're Jane's guest."
"It wouldn't be right to take advantage of you. You've been so good to me. And I can easily afford it."
"I'm sure you can. I'm also sure my daughter would feel uncomfortable about taking money from you."
Maura shakes her head, "Then don't tell her. You all need it. I want to contribute."
Angela eyes Maura up till the point she feels uncomfortable.
"What did Jane tell you about staying here?"
"Uh...nothing was agreed upon."
"Did she tell you we needed it?"
Maura shakes her head no, "But I can tell and I want to help, and Jane...then she can work less. She won't be so tired..."
"She won't accept this."
Maura sighs, "I don't understand. Is it not enough?"
"This is what people do for each other. Friends. Family. Loved ones."
Maura stares at her blankly.
"Caring for and loving others."
"So it's charity?"
Angela smiles weakly, "Quite the opposite. You don't need charity, you need love."
Love.
A word she had heard many times. It was even in her wedding vows. Her mother said it the day she was shipped off to boarding school. Her father said it once a month when she saw him. But she had never related it to something akin to this.
She needed more information on it.
She needed to understand why it couldn't be brought. Paid for. Where it came from. How someone got it or earned it. Could you control it, keep it. What was it for. What did it do.
Love.
Jane whispered in her ear that Angela used food to show love, Italian food cooked in a kitchen of laughter, made to bring joy, to show goodness, so people felt good and happy. Angela showed her how to do it too, told her how.
"For those we love" she had said as she mixed in spices and smiled at the aroma. The secret ingredient was love. Always love.
But not everyone cooked with love. And she had never gone hungry but most of her life she had eaten alone, fancy food that didn't make her feel better.
But she had always been starving, starving for food that said 'for you because you are you'.
Love served up on a chipped plate on a shabby tablecloth surrounded by two loud happy hungry boys and a beautiful girl whose smile bore through any exhaustion.
Love that gave Angela strength to face her battles. That made Maura feel fulfilled before she even took a bite. The food, or perhaps the love, always gave Jane strength near the end of the day, strength to put the dishes away, to joke and laugh and then to dance around the table with the last Cannoli over her head so no one else could have it. Shorter arms had no chance to reach hers. She was tall and lean and agile and laughing.
Connoli's Angela made because she knew Jane adored them more than anything else.
But love wasn't just found in food.
The bedroom door closed that night with a click with them both on the inside and then Jane presented that last Cannoli to her like it was a prized possession claimed in a war. Like food was love or love was food. It came with a broad smile and deep dimples and eyes that sparkled with excitement and tenderness. She had to at least taste it because Jane had fought for it after dinner. Because it represented something deeper than she knew how to understand or decipher. It was amazing, sweet, and it tasted like something she had never tried before. It was given without expectation. It asked for nothing in return. It was sacrifice and warmth. A gift.
And she couldn't take it all at once, not all alone, not yet. It was too much. Too overwhelming. It hurt her somewhere inside. And so she offered the uneaten half to Jane. Jane accepted it with surprise but without hesitation, and it vanished quickly with a groan.
And suddenly she missed it, the offering gone and her heart somehow empty. And Jane watched her as she worked through her thoughts. Jane watched her intently and then had chewed her bottom lip. Jane's dark soft eyes glanced lower and paused on her lips. Maura's heart stopped as she thought about what might be about to happen.
Her mind raced and palms sweated.
She wanted this. She wanted Jane. She was sure she did. Even in her fear and confusion she wanted so desperately to be wanted, to be loved physically. Why else had she allowed this stranger to free her from her prison. Why else had she been drawn to her. Why else would every flex of those muscles and flick of dark hair cause knees to feel weak. Even after only a few days she wouldn't run, she could even imagine holding Jane and her touching her, feeling soft warm skin and feeling loved.
That was the only love she had been taught.
Jane's hand reached up to Maura's lip and she flinched. Love and danger crossed paths in her memory. She didn't mean to flinch. Didn't want to. Instantly hating herself for not being in control of herself. For ruining the moment. For not accepting the love. She wanted to cry. She was afraid of Jane hating her. Of feeling rejected.
"Sorry Jane."
"S-okay" Jane whispered back softly unaffected by the actions or perhaps intentionally ignoring them. The long tender fingers reach out and touch her lip to gently wipe the smudge of cream off the corner of Maura's mouth. Maura is frozen as she watches Jane lick it off her finger.
Then another smile as if it was not unusual. As if everything is ok and will be ok.
And maybe that smile somehow can mend a broken person.
Maybe it's mending her because she starts to smile back.
And then her mind attacks her, reminding her of her place in the world. That no one but Garrett wanted her...wants her...
Maura is frozen in confusion.
Jane studies her. So gently. It's a different kind of love. It's unassuming, it's patient, it's not offended or angry or impatient.
It has no expectations.
She doesn't think she is good enough, she doesn't deserve this care, this tenderness, this...love?
She doesn't deserve anything good.
She isn't sure she ever did. It's always came at a cost.
Garretts words plague her brain.
You're nothing, no one but me would even have you.
He never said it in the beginning. He would say 'he' liked her. And when other people were unkind he would say 'I like you and only what I think matters'. Later though, things changed. And by that point she had no one else to ask. He was her only input. And he said no one else would ever want her.
He said she was not desirable.
Why would Jane want her...or even like her.
She wants to run.
But the same bravery that took her back to 'topless' that day is the only reason she can even speak now, "I thought you...um...did you want to kiss me?"
How can she sound so desperate, the Isles family is never desperate.
It is another layer of low. The same as when Garrett compared the Fairfield's to the Isle's. Even he was able to convince her that his family was superior.
But a kiss is the only love she knows...has known before. It's the only love she understood before. It would be given to her if she was good enough when it suited him. It kept her from hitting the lowest of lows. It meant she was something to someone.
"God yes." Jane whispers weakly, but she doesn't move closer, doesn't lean in, take advantage.
Her heart skips anyway.
"But not until you are ready Maur."
The silence isn't scary. It's not her fault. She isn't in trouble. It is ok.
While it confuses her it isn't her foremost thought.
"I thought..."
"Tell me." Jane begs softly.
Maura closes her eyes, the thoughts tumbling through her mind in a mess. Love, deserve, bad, kiss.
Jane takes her hands holding them between her own.
It scares her. It's foreign. Touch.
"I just...you...you're too much."
Jane looks surprised and the smile is replaced by a frown, "I'm too much?"
"No", Maura shakes her head, "Yes. All of this...it's...I don't understand it. You're perfect and I am so...broken."
"You're not broken Maur. And I'm not perfect."
"I can't explain it Jane. I want to but I can't. Please don't be mad. I'm just confused. I haven't ever had this before..."
Jane shakes her head and the smile returns along with a chuckle, "I'm not mad. Take as long as you need. There's no pressure Maur."
Maura takes a breath and Jane squeezes her hand comfortingly.
The thoughts tumble slower now, the panic is absent. Except that this might end, that she might be turfed back into the unknown or into his arms only to be hurt and afraid again.
"Are you afraid?" Jane asks.
She wants to run. Instinct says run.
Instead she nods and bites back the guilt.
"What are you afraid of?"
"I'm scared you'll change your mind."
"Change my mind about what?"
Maura looks down at her hands, fully enveloped in Jane's hands, "About...about me."
She is scared to look up. She is scared she will see what she expects to see.
That of course she is not enough and undeserving. That she is just a toy for someone else or a charity case.
"I'm not gonna change my mind."
She never felt like she belonged at home, she couldn't understand why her parents even had her. So when Garrett came along she accepted because she wanted to belong. To be loved and accepted. But he had changed his mind. Before the marriage he cared, to him she was valuable and deserving, but after...he taught her she didn't deserve it after all. She wasn't worthy of it. She was faulty. She was terrible and unloveable. And she needed him.
"In whatever sense you mean Maura, this won't stop unless you want it to."
"You're wasting your time."
She doesn't even have to look up to know her comment has caused Jane pain. The atmosphere changes around her, Jane's grip on her hands tightens.
"Look at me Maur."
Firm words in a small gravely voice.
She looks up slowly to eyes that are warm and tender, unchanged.
"Remember what I told you about believing bad things about yourself."
She has to think back, to Janes story, she hadn't forgotten it. She just didn't know the story was for her. Meant for her.
"Tell yourself something nice. Something truthful."
She has to focus, because truthful and nice don't sound like they belong together. She doesn't deserve this...to be treated so nicely. Does she?
"And if you think you deserve bad things and unkindness and hurt and rejection...think about why you might deserve it...what you did to deserve it."
She can't answer because of the sobs that fill her throat.
Jane wraps her in a hug and strokes her back in circles. The exhausted girl who worked all day still has time for her. The girl with the golden smile that wants to give it to her so often. How could she get so lucky. Except she has never believed in luck.
"Shhhhh." Jane coos softly against her ear making her only want to cry harder, "You deserve good things. You just do. Its all ok. It's all going to be ok."
